Kind Treatment of Spouses, - Dought & clear, - * Dealing With a Cheating Husband

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I have been hurt very badly; I have not been married for long but my husband started speaking to a woman from the past a few months after our marriage. I did not get to know him very well before marriage because I chose to follow the rules of Islam and not get to know my partner. My husband had intention of marrying another woman so he got to know her for a while before our marriage and before we met; that woman has now got in contact with him and they have been having conversations via e-mail and by phone. I discovered proof and I lost my temper as I loved my husband very much but now he said to me that he had feelings for her and he wanted to marry her but before we got married I had asked him if he wished to marry again and he said no very clearly and that he had no intention of going down that path. I feel like I've been cheated on and hurt. Now I cannot trust my husband and always think about how they must have interacted and how they must have made jokes and in their e-mail they talked about their past when they were talking which is haram (impermissible) unless you talk to a mehrem (close relative whom one cannot marry). He now promised he won’t get in contact with her and that he has ended it, but in my heart there is so much hurt and at times I cry and get depressed and feel like I am not enough for him. We have a child and at times I feel like I cannot live with him and that I don’t want to be with him because he has betrayed and used me and made me feel like we are ok when we were not. He always went to her to talk about his worries and emotions and not to me and I was pregnant at the time which makes me hurt even more. What is the punishment for a man when he does this to his pregnant wife? I want advice from you on how to take control of this situation in a halaal (lawful) way. I feel unhappy at times and like I’m stuck with someone who doesn’t love me or have feelings for me.
Praise be to Allah.
1.
What the man is doing of having a haraam (an unlawful) relationship with a woman who is not his mahram is a betrayal of the rights of Allah before it is a betrayal of the rights of his wife. The Muslim is bound by a covenant with his Lord, may He be exalted, and what he is required to do is to fulfil that covenant and not break it. Moreover, this is not what the individual is enjoined to do in response to the blessings that his Lord has bestowed upon him. Allah, may He be glorified, has blessed him with good health, well-being and a wife and children, either now or soon, in sha Allah. The way to show gratitude for these blessings is not to waste this good health and well-being in haraam relationships with non-mahram women, and the way to show gratitude for the blessing of the wife and children is not by neglecting them and breaking ties with them. Allah, may He be exalted, has promised to those who give thanks increased blessings and He warns those who are ungrateful for blessings of a severe punishment, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And (remember) when your Lord proclaimed: If you give thanks (by accepting Faith and worshipping none but Allah), I will give you more (of My Blessings), but if you are thankless (i.e. disbelievers), verily! My Punishment is indeed severe”
[Ibraaheem 14:7].
2.
What appears to be the case in your situation with your husband is that you have a place in his heart; were it not for that he would have hastened to end the marital relationship between you after he found out that you are aware of his haraam relationship with that woman. This is something that should be used to put pressure on him to give up this sin and end that haraam relationship. We think that you should treat him very kindly and do not fall short in treating him kindly; you should also adorn yourself for him, wear your best clothes and create a pleasant atmosphere for him in the house, because he may be missing that altogether or in part. You should also advise him and admonish him, and warn him against continuing to commit haraam actions. You should explain to him what his punishment will be with Allah in the Hereafter, or in the Hereafter and this world; indeed you should warn him that Allah may punish him for such sin with regard to his family, as he may be tested with marriage to a woman, or with having a daughter, who does with men what he is doing with women – what will his reaction be in that case?
3.
We advise you not to let many people know about what your husband is doing, because the basic principle is to conceal sins that are unknown. What we want is that which will help mend his ways, not that which may be taken as a means to continue what he is doing of committing sin.
4.
Fill his time with useful and beneficial things, and do not leave him time when he is alone with his shaytaan! His daily schedule should be full, either with acts of worship such as upholding ties of kinship or attending Islamic study circles, or he should be busy with worldly matters that are beneficial and permissible, such as exercise.
5.
Offer a lot of du‘aa (supplication) for him to be guided and set straight, for the best weapon of the believer is du‘aa’. Strive hard to offer du‘aa’ in the last third of the night and when prostrating.
6.
Finally, if what is mentioned above does not succeed in putting a stop to that haraam relationship of his with that woman, then you have two options:
(i) you can advise him to marry her in accordance with the laws of Allah, may He be exalted, so as to save him and her from this haraam relationship, on condition that his relationship with her has not reached the level of zina (adultery) – Allah forbid – because it is not permissible to advise someone to do something that is haraam, as their getting married will not be permissible until after they repent (from zina).
(ii) Or you can ask for a divorce (talaaq), but start by threatening to ask for it, then if he remains as he is you have the right to seek a way out of the calamity you are faced with by asking for a divorce. The final resort in medical treatment is cautery, as it is said, and despite the pain of this cautery (divorce), it will give you a way out from the distress and anger you are feeling, and it will protect you and your children from the possibility of fitnah (tribulation) because of your husband’s misbehaviour and his haraam relationship, whether that protection has to do with your religious commitment, honour or health.
This is what we can give you by way of advice. May Allah guide your husband and set his affairs straight; we ask Allah to reconcile between you when he is adhering to righteousness and obedience towards Allah.
And Allah knows best.

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Kind Treatment of Spouses, - Dought & clear, - * He is not attracted to his wife and has not been near her for years, and he cannot take a second wife

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I have a major problem that is causing me great mental and physical pains and I pray you can advise me.
I have been married for nearly 8 years and of the last 4 years I have not had sexual intercourse with my wife.
In the past I have fulfiled my needs through actions that are not permited in Islam but in the last 2 years and with the guidance of Allah I have been guided to the right path.
I pray my salat 5 times a day and never miss my prayer.
The problem I have is that I am a very sexual person and I do not have any way of solving this problem. My wife is not interested in intimacy and I have no attraction to her. We do not even share the same bed.
I always think of getting divorced from her but for the sake of my children I stay with her. I live in a non-muslim country and for my daughter not to have a father figure would easily corrupt her.
I fear Allah and I do not want to go towards evil to solve my problems as I have done so in the past. I think of taking a second wife but I am not financialy capable of doing so. I do masturbate occasionaly when I can not control my urges but I feel great guilt and become depressed because of my actions. This is causing me great problems in my life and I have restless nights.
Praise be to Allah.
There is no doubt that what you have mentioned is a problem for which you must examine the causes and look for ways of dealing with it. It seems to us that the essence of the problem is clear from your saying, “My wife is not interested in intimacy and I have no attraction to her. We do not even share the same bed.”
How can two spouses live under the same roof for four years, without any intimacy taking place between them?
What problem in the marital relationship is clearer than that?
How can you not be attracted to her for this length of time?
How can the woman do without this natural need for this length of time, no matter how weak her libido is?
The first step in remedying the problem is for you both to understand that one of the aims and purposes of marriage is to attain chastity, fulfil desire, and establish tranquillity and love. With this behaviour you cannot establish a successful marital relationship.
You should both focus on seeking a remedy to this problem in an atmosphere of openness and mutual understanding. There is no shame in the husband telling his wife of his natural need for intimacy and finding out the reasons why she is not interested in him.
It is not only a matter of fulfilling your desires and needs; rather it is important to keep your wife chaste too, and you are responsible for that; the fact that you are not attracted to her does not absolve you of this responsibility.
The marital relationship is based on fulfilling rights and duties more than it is based on emotions and inclinations. If we assume that you do not feel attracted to your wife, you are still responsible for maintaining her chastity and you have to do address the issue of your not being attracted to her and her not being interested in you. Perhaps there are barriers preventing you becoming closer to one another, such as bad treatment, being too busy, or other reasons.
Moreover, this failing relationship that is devoid of connection and intimacy is surrounded by crises on all sides; indeed it is causing crises. It is essential to examine its effects on daily interaction, because that poses a threat to the children that cannot be ignored.
Our advice to you is to sit down with your wife, try to draw closer to her, and fear Allah, may He be exalted, with regard to her. You should both understand the wisdom behind marriage and its purposes, and correct your relationship with Allah, then He will set your affairs straight, for Allah has promised a good life to those who believe and do righteous deeds, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Whoever works righteousness, whether male or female, while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)”
[an-Nahl 16:97].
So try hard to do something about these causes and you will find that things will fall into place, in sha Allah. We believe that if you sleep together in the same bed, that will close a great deal of the distance between you and will generate compassion and love between you.
And Allah knows best.

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Commentary on Hadeeth, - Dought & clear, - * Commentary on the hadeeth“No one over burdens himself in his religion but hewill be unable to continue in that way”

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What is the meaning of the hadeeth of the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “No one overburdens himself in his religion but he will be unable to continue in that way”?.
Praise be to Allaah.
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“Religion is easy, and no one overburdens himself in his religion but he will be unable to continue in that way. So do not be extremists, but try to be near perfection and receive the good tidings that you will be rewarded. Gain strength by worshipping in the mornings and afternoons and during the last hours of the night.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (39) and Muslim (2816).
Al-Haafiz Ibn Rajab (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
The meaning of this hadeeth is that it is not allowed to go to extremes in religion, by overburdening oneself with acts of worship that one cannot do except with extreme hardship. This is what is meant by the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “No one overburdens himself in his religion but he will be unable to continue in that way”, i.e., religion is not to be approached in an extreme manner, and whoever does that will be defeated.
InMusnad al-Imam Ahmad(5/32), in a report which was classed as hasan by the commentators on theMusnad, it is narrated that Mihjan ibn al-Adra’ said: I came with the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and when we were at the door of the mosque, we saw a man who was praying. He said: “Do you think he is sincere?” I said: “O Prophet of Allaah, this is So and so, he is one of the best of the people of Madeenah, or one of those who pray the most of the people of Madeenah.” He said: “Do let hm hear you lest you be doomed” – two or three times – “you are an ummah for whom I want ease.”
According to another report: “The best of your religion is that which is easiest, the best of your religion is that which is easiest.”Musnad Ahmad(3/479). It was classed as hasan by the commentators.
According to a marfoo’ report narrated by ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas:
“This religion is very profound so approach it in a gentle manner and do not make yourself hate the worship of Allaah because the traveller who does not let his mount rest will not reach his destination and his mount will not be able to keep going.”
al-Sunan al-Kubraby al-Bayhaqi (3/19); classed as da’eef by al-Albaani inal-Silsilah al-Da’eefah(1/64).
The one who does not let his mount rest will not reach his destination and he will become like one who is cut off, because his mount is no longer able to continue, so he is close to doom. Had he been kind to his mount and taken it easy during his journey, his mount would have been able to travel the distance with him and get him to his destination. End quote.Fath al-Baariby Ibn Rajab (1/136-139).
Al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
What is meant is that no one goes to extremes in religious deeds and forsakes the easy approach but he will become incapable and will be unable to continue in that way.
Ibn al-Muneer said: This hadeeth is one of the signs of Prophethood. We have seen and the people before us saw that everyone who goes to extremes in religious matters will be cut off and doomed.
It does not mean that we should not seek to be more perfect in worship, for that is something praiseworthy. Rather what is forbidden is the kind of extremism that leads to getting bored with it, or going to such extremes in doing voluntary acts that one ends up forsaking that which is better, or it leads to delaying the obligatory act until the time for it is past, like one who stays up and prays all night, until sleep overcomes him at the end of the night and he sleeps and misses offering Fajr prayer in congregation, or until the preferred time for it is over, or until the sun rises and the time for the obligatory prayer ends. End quote.
Fath al-Baariby Ibn Hajar (1/94).
Al-‘Allaamah ‘Abd al-Rahmaan al-Sa’di (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
How great this hadeeth is and how concise and good is its beneficial advice and comprehensive principles. At the beginning of it the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) established this important principle, and said: “Religion is easy” i.e., it is easy and simple in its beliefs, morals and deeds, in its actions and abstentions.
The beliefs that have to do with belief in Allaah, His angels, His Books, His Messengers, the last Day, the divine decree both good and bad – these are sound beliefs in which hearts find rest and which will bring the one who believes in them to the best end.
Its morals and deeds are the most perfect of morals and the most righteous of deeds, in which are the best interests of religion, this world and the Hereafter. By missing out on them, nothing good can be achieved. They are all easy and simple; everyone who is accountable sees himself as able to do them and does not find any hardship or difficulty in doing so.
Its beliefs are sound and simple, acceptable to the sound mind and sound human nature.
Its obligations are the easiest thing.
The five prayers are repeated five times every day and night, at the appropriate times. The All-Knowing, All-Aware has made them more easy making it obligatory to offer them in congregation and gathering to offer them, because gathering to perform acts of worship makes them easier, and decreed that there should be a great deal of goodness in religious commitment and soundness of faith, and that there should be both immediate and deferred rewards, which makes the believer find comfort in doing them and praise Allaah for enjoining them on His slaves, for they cannot do without them.
Zakaah is not required of any poor person who does not have wealth that reaches the nisaab or minimum threshold at which zakaah becomes due. Rather it is required of the rich so as to complete their religion and their Islam, to purify their wealth and their hearts, to ward off calamities from them and their wealth, to cleanse them of their sins, to offer comfort to the needy and to bring about harmony in society. But despite that it is a very small amount when compared with what Allaah has given them of wealth and provision.
As for fasting, it is obligatory for one month of the year, in which all the Muslims come together and forsake their basic desires – for food, drink and physical relations – during the day, and Allaah compensates them for that by His grace and kindness, completing their religious commitment and faith and increasing their perfection, with His great reward, and many other good things that come as the consequence of fasting. It is also a means of attaining piety (taqwa) which is the basis of doing all kinds of good deeds and avoiding evil things.
With regard to Hajj, Allaah has only enjoined it on the one who is able to do it, and only once in a lifetime. There are many religious and worldly benefits in it, more than can be counted. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):“That they may witness things that are of benefit to them” [al-Hajj 22:28], i.e., in both religious and worldly terms.
Then after that there are all the rituals of Islam which are very easy and have to do with the rights of Allaah and the rights of His slaves. They are easy in and of themselves. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):“Allaah intends for you ease, and He does not want to make things difficult for you” [al-Baqarah 2:185]. Nevertheless, if something prevents a person from doing things, such as sickness, travel and the like, Allaah has granted some concessions, and waived some duties, or allowed doing them in a different way, as is well known.
Moreover, if a person looks at the various things that people do day and night, both obligatory and naafil, prayer, fasting, charity and so on, and wants to follow the example of the most perfect of mankind and their leader, Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), in doing them, he will find that it is not too difficult for him, and it will not keep him from attending to his worldly interests, rather by doing that he will be able to do all his duties, his duties towards Allaah, his duty towards himself, his duty towards his family and friends, and his duty towards everyone who has a right over him, quite easily.
But the one who overburdens himself and is not content with that with which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was content or that which he taught to his ummah, rather he goes to extremes and overburdens himself with acts of worship, will be overwhelmed and in the end he will be unable to continue and will stop doing it. Hence he said: “and no one overburdens himself in his religion but he will be unable to continue in that way.”
So the one who overburdens himself with regard to religious matters and is not moderate will be overwhelmed by it and will lose steam and will find himself going backwards.
Hence the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) enjoined and encouraged moderation, and said: “I urge you to be moderate and you will reach your goal.”
Then he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) enjoined avoiding extremism and trying to be near perfection, and encouraged people to be hopeful and not to yield to despair.
Avoiding extremism means saying and doing the right thing, and following a wise path; it means saying and doing the right thing in all senses. If he cannot do that in every situation, then let him fear Allaah as much as he can, and draw near to the goal, because if a person cannot manage to get things completely right, let him come close, and if he cannot do all that then let him do as much as he can.
From this may be taken a useful principle which is also indicated in the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“So keep your duty to Allaah and fear Him as much as you can”
[al-Taghaabun 64:16]
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When I tell you to do something, do as much of it as you can.” The issues that are based on this principle are innumerable.
In another hadeeth it says: “Make things easy (for people) and do not make things difficult, give glad tidings and do not put people off.”
Then the hadeeth ends with advice that is easy for people, but is extremely beneficial, which is: “Gain strength by worshipping in the mornings and afternoons and during the last hours of the night.”
These three times are times when, if the traveller travels at these times, he will be able to reach his destination, whether it is far or near, and he and his mount will both still be in good shape. Also these three times could help a person to reach his destination in the Hereafter and travel the straight path and reach Allaah in an easy manner. So if a person occupy himself with good and righteous deeds that are suited to the time – at the beginning and end of the day and part of the night, especially at the end of the night, that will bring him a greater share of good and he will attain happiness, victory and prosperity, and he will be successful in finding ease and rest, as well as attaining his worldly and psychological goals.
This is one of the greatest signs of Allaah’s mercy towards His slaves in this religion which is the means of eternal happiness, as Allaah sent it as guidance to His slaves and explained it on the lips of His Messengers, and has made it easy, and helped with it in all ways, and show kindness to those who strive hard and protected them from obstacles and impediments.
Thus it is known that a number of principles may be derived from this great hadeeth:
1. Islam is easy in general
2. Hardship opens the door to relief
3. If I tell you to do something, do as much of it as you can.
4. It encourages those who strive hard and gives them glad tidings of goodness and reward that stem from their actions.
5. Comprehensive advice on how to reach Allaah, advice which may be sufficient on its own and no other advice could take its place.
May the blessings and peace of Allaah be upon the one who was given the power and benefit of concise speech. End quote.
Bahjat Quloob al-Abraar wa Qurrat ‘Ayn al-Akhyaar fi Sharh Jawaami’ al-Akhbaar(p. 77-80).
And Allaah knows best.
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Commentary on Hadeeth, - Dought & clear, - * Seeking worldly characteristics in the fiancé and fiancée

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I'm Inshallah planning to get married soon, and the person of interest to me has come back to me stating the below two hadiths apply to both men & women when choosing their spouses. However i see it differently with men given more options in attributes to look for in a wife. According to one hadith, "The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said that a woman may be married for her wealth, her beauty, her lineage or her religious commitment, and he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) encouraged marrying the one who is religiously-committed." but are women allowed to marry for the same reasons? If so why would the prophet ( PBUH) mention this hadith in a context that's being addressed to men. now concerning how a women can choose her partner i have read a hadith where the prophet ( peace & blessings of Allah be upon him) mentioned "If there comes to you one whose religious commitment and attitude pleases you, then marry [your female relative who is under your care] to him, for if you do not do that, there will be tribulation on earth and much corruption.” Looking at the hadiths above howcome the prophet( peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) did not mention other attributes to look for in a man from a women's point of view? or is it safe to assume that the first hadith i mentioned above applies to men and women? But then again I'm confused as to why its addressed to men?.
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly we should clarify that Islamic sharee’ah only encourages seeking a righteous wife who is religiously committed, and a righteous husband who is religious and good. Religious commitment is the first and foremost aim, and other characteristics such as beauty, wealth, high position and good lineage and so on are secondary matters. They are not blameworthy in and of themselves, but they are not the basic aims, rather they are complementary qualities. If they are present, then that is ideal, otherwise religious commitment is the basis of all goodness.
This is indicated by what is mentioned in the Sunnah of praise for some of these qualities in the wife. For example, it was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: It was said: O Messenger of Allaah, which of women is best? He said: “The one who when he looks at her he is happy and she obeys him when he commands her, and does not go against his wishes with regard to herself or his wealth by doing what he dislikes.”
Narrated by Ahmad (2/251); classed as hasan by al-Albaani inal-Silsilah al-Saheehah(1838).
The same applies to the husband: the basic principle is to seek marriage to a righteous, pious man, as described in the hadeeth in which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “with whose religious commitment and good character you are pleased.” If that is accompanied by good looks, wealth and high position, that is a blessing from Allaah. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) regarded a man’s wasting his money and not being able to spend on his wife as a reason for not getting married to him. That appears in the hadeeth of Faatimah bint Qays (may Allaah be pleased with her) who said: When my ‘iddah ended, I told him – meaning the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) – that Mu’aawiyah ibn Abi Sufyaan and Abu Jahm had proposed marriage to me. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “As for Abu Jahm, his stick never leaves his shoulder. As for Mu’aawiyah, he is very poor and has no wealth. Marry Usaamah ibn Zayd.” Narrated by Muslim (1480).
Al-‘Allaamah al-Sa’di (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
If there are other (good qualities) as well as religious commitment, that is good, otherwise religious commitment is the greatest of qualities to be sought. End quote.
Bahjat Quloob al-Abraar wa Qurrat ‘Uyoon al-Akhyaar fi Sharh Jawaami’ al-Akhbaar(p. 120)
Once the above is clear, we will know the answer to the question that was asked. We know that wealth, good lineage and good looks are things that are desirable in both spouses in most people’s view, both believers and kaafirs. Wanting these things is something that is natural in human beings. Islam does not object to that, rather they are not pointed out because people – by their nature – pay attention to these matters and seek them; they even exaggerate about that and neglect other important things. So Islam came to confirm what people neglect or ignore, even though this is the most desirable quality according to the standards of sharee’ah. This, also, is what distinguishes the attitude of the righteous believer from the attitude of anyone else.
Hence the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said, in the famous hadeeth:
“Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5090), Muslim (1466)
Imam al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
The correct meaning of this hadeeth is that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was speaking of what people usually do; they seek these four qualities, and the last of them is their view is the one who is religiously committed, so seek, O you who are guided, the one who is religiously committed. End quote.
Sharh Muslim(10/51-52)
And he (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
What that means is that people usually seek these four qualities in a woman, but you should seek the one who is religiously committed. End quote.
Riyadh al-Saaliheen(p. 454)
Al-Qurtubi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
These four qualities are those that are sought when marrying a woman. They are the qualities that men seek in women. So this is speaking of what happens; it is not a command to that effect. The apparent meaning is that it is permissible to seek all of these qualities when marrying, or one of them, but seeking religious commitment is best and most important. End quote.
Al-Mufhim lima ashkala min Talkhees Saheeh Muslim(4/215).
Shaykh Sulaymaan ibn Mansoor al-‘Ujayli al-Jamal – who is one of the Shaafa’i fuqaha’ – says:
Some of them quoted this hadeeth as evidence that it is mustahabb for the woman to be beautiful, and al-Zarkashi disagreed with this understanding by saying that quoting it as evidence that she should be beautiful is strange, because this is a statement of what is usual among people, and it is not a command to marry beautiful women. This is a valid objection. Similarly it is not a command to marry the one who is wealthy, beautiful and of good lineage. End quote.
Futoohaat al-Wahhaab bi Tawdeeh Sharh Manhaj al-Tullaab al-Ma’roof bi Haashiyat al-Jamal(4/118).
See also the answer to question no. 34170
Some scholars are of the view that these qualities are desirable according to sharee’ah, and that it is mustahabb for the suitor to seek them in the woman to whom he proposes, but it is stipulated that religious commitment should be the basis – also – and that none of the other qualities mentioned should supersede it. If there is any conflict, then religious commitment should always take precedence.
Ibn Hajar (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
It may also be understood from it – i.e., from this hadeeth – that it is mustahabb for a man of noble descent to marry a woman who is his equal, but if there is a conflict: a woman of noble descent who is not religiously committed, or a religiously committed woman who is not of noble descent, then religious commitment should be given precedence, and so on with all the other characteristics.
From the word “her beauty” it may be understood that it is mustahabb to marry a beautiful woman, but if there is a conflict: a beautiful woman who is not religiously committed, or a woman who is not beautiful but is religiously committed, yes, if they [the two women] are equal in terms of religious commitment then the beautiful one is better. It We may add to this the one who is beautiful in terms of physical appearance and attitude and the one who asks for a low dowry.
The words “Choose the one who is religiously committed” – what this means is that what is fitting for the man who is religiously-committed and decent is that religion should be his focus in all things, especially in matters that will be long-term. So the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) enjoined him to find a woman who is religiously committed, which is the ultimate goal. In the hadeeth of ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Amr, which is narrated by Ibn Majaah in a marfoo’ report [in which there is some weakness] it says: “Do not marry women for their beauty, for perhaps their beauty may lead to their doom. And do not marry them for their wealth, for perhaps their wealth may make them fall into sin; rather marry them for their religious commitment, and a black slave woman who is religiously committed is better.” End quote.
Fath al-Baari(9/135-136).
Many Shaafa’i books quote this hadeeth as evidence that it is mustahabb to marry a beautiful woman.
It says inSharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat(2/623), which is a Hanbali book: It is also Sunnah to choose a beautiful woman because of this hadeeth [meaning the hadeeth quoted above]. End quote.
The matter is broad in scope, in sha Allaah, so long as the primary goal of both spouses is agreed upon, which is religious commitment, and so long as the other, worldly characteristics are not blameworthy, rather they are praiseworthy.
With regard to the desirable qualities in men for marriage not being mentioned as they are in the case of women, that is not due to any differentiation between them, rather it is because usually it is the man who looks for a wife and seeks in her the qualities he chooses, and the woman usually thinks of the qualities of the man who proposes to her. So it is more appropriate that the words in the hadeeth “Women may be married for four things…” should be addressed in terms of what usually happens and is customary, not in terms of the rare exception.
Moreover, shar’i matters are usually addressed to men, and the scholars of usool have stated that whatever is addressed to men is also addressed to women, unless there is evidence to the contrary, but it is not essential for there to be one text for men and another for women with regard to every shar’i ruling. The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Women are the twin halves of men.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (113) and others, classed as saheeh by al-Albaani inSaheeh al-Jaami’.
And Allaah knows best.

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