Family, - Our Children and the Battle of the Supermarket - I

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Every time four-year-old Khaalid goes to the supermarket with his mother, he asks for a box of candy, and his mother refuses right away. However, a few minutes later, he starts insisting on buying candy, and the mother persists in her refusal, saying to him, "No." At the mother's refusal of the child's request for the third time, Khaalid becomes furious, and his request takes on the form of an order, but the mother continues to refuse. On that Khaalid's face turns red, he stamps his feet and shakes the shopping cart. The mother threatens to punish him if he does not stop, but he does not give in. Upon asking for candy for the fifth time and the mother's refusal, Khaalid bursts into anger. The mother looks for a place to hide but she finds herself in the ice-cream section, while he is weeping, shouting, kicking and striking everything around him. Everybody is staring at them, and the mother cannot take it anymore, so she submits to his will and buys him a box of candy.
Both mother and child learn from each other:
Dear educator, both you and your children teach each other something of the affairs of family life every day. The things you and your child learn from each other later determine the way you deal with each other and form the basis of the relationship between children and parents.
From a father who is firm in all situations with his child, the child learns, from each situation, that his father is firm and does not accept half-solutions, and thus, he will deal with him on that basis.
From a father who is lax in all situations with his child, the child learns, from each situation, that his father is lax, and even if he grows angry once, with the first tear that flows down the child's cheek, he will forget everything and forgive all mistakes, and thus, the child will deal with his father on that basis.
Analysis of Khaalid's scene:
When you reflect on the example of Khaalid and his mother, which is almost typical in our society, you find that both the mother and the child learned from each other.
What did the mother teach her child? At first, she was persistent that she would not buy candy. However, after a lot of nagging from Khaalid, she submitted and responded to his request. But )unfortunately( the mother does not know that at the very moment that she lost control over her decisiveness, she taught Khaalid a set of rules which will embitter her throughout her life if she does not change her submissive ways.
What did Khaalid's mother teach her child?
Khaalid's mother taught her child three rules:
• The first rule: The word "No" is of no significance.
The mother's reactions went as follows: No, No, No, No, Yes. What the child learnt here is that when his mother says "No", it does not mean refusal, but it means "Ask again and again, and nag more than once. When your behavior becomes unbearable, I will change my refusal into acceptance." This resembles magic: that refusal turns into acceptance. In this way, the mother taught her child to persist in his negative behavior.
You should know, dear parent, that your children have to know that when you say "No", it means "No" and nothing else. When you say "No" to your children, you indeed want them to stop doing something. The word "No" should not be subject to discussion. However, as a lot of fathers and mothers are susceptible to changing their mind often, the children have learnt to wail, implore and throw a tantrum until they get what they want. When the word is changeable, the child's mind records that, while it is supposed to be placed in the part of the brain that responds without thinking.
According to Dr. Michele Borba, )a pediatrician(, parents should not give in if their child resorts to screaming and nagging, or asks for something illogical, or tells you to do something )unacceptable(. You should stop the discussion immediately and tell him decisively that by no means would you accept that behavior, and ask him to be polite and set another time for a logical discussion about the demand. When the child realizes that you mean what you say, you will have made a drastic change in behavior.
• The second rule: Good utilization of his moments of anger
Certainly, the mother did not do so intentionally, but this is what actually took place. Khaalid learnt that shouting and nagging give very effective results. If you cry and shout at the top of your voice for a sufficient amount of time, you will have the box of candy. The candy is the prize you get for shouting.
• The third rule: She does not mean what she says
The mother taught her child that she never means what she says. Although she threatens )to punish(, she never carries out her threat. She ordered him to keep quiet otherwise she would punish him severely, but what did she do? Instead of punishing him severely, she rewarded him by buying him candy.
)To be continued(







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Family, - Our Children and the Battle of the Supermarket - II

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In the previous article, what did the child teach his mother?
The mother learnt from her child that the means to have peace and quiet, and not to get involved in embarrassing situations is to execute the child's orders: i.e. to buy the box of candy.
Thus, the child has established a new behavioral type, and it is on this basis that the relationship between the mother and child will continue. The behavior of the mother along with the behavior of the child form and outline the nature of their relationship. If the child repeats the same behavior, the mother will repeat the same behavior she has previously done with him.
A fatal error!
This is the way many fathers behave when they face the anger of their children with submission, compliance and, subsequently, reward )the candy(. This is because this way teaches the child to increase his display of anger in order to receive the reward.
Additionally, anger is among the blameworthy attributes a man can have. When many sociologists and educationalists regard anger among the despicable vices and blameworthy habits, they mean the blameworthy anger which produces the most negative effects and leads to the most critical consequences -- particularly at the time of excitement and anger for personal interests and selfish motives. It is known that this anger disbands unity, breaks up the group, and exterminates the meanings of brotherhood, love, and purity in the community.
Another fatal error is made by fathers when they respond to the child's anger. It is called pampering, which is to be lax in dealing with the child in such a way as to satisfy the child's needs in the very time and manner he likes, and hasten to do all that he demands, no matter how unacceptable it might be. In other words, everyone around him does their best to obey him and be at his disposal, and never refuse any of his demands whatever they may be.
On the other hand, pampering makes the child unable to bear the responsibilities or burdens that are appropriate to his stage of life. This results in the child's slow emotional and social maturity. Such a child cannot easily undertake any matter, nor have the feeling of responsibility, nor appreciate it, nor resist the problems of life, nor confront the states of frustration. He is always vulnerable to psychological disorders when there is an obstacle or a problem standing in his way. More often, he inclines to be dependent on others rather than self-reliant. He also resorts to the method of avoiding, deferring or neglecting risks and problems.
A successful plan to tackle the supermarket battle:
To put an end to the supermarket battle with your child, and eradicate the roots of this problem peacefully, parents should do the following:
• Sit with the child before going to the supermarket.
• Clarify where you would go with him and what you would buy.
• Brief him on the shopping list.
• Ask him about what he would like to buy before going to the supermarket.
• Ask him to include what he would like to buy in the shopping list.
• Ask him to do something helpful and take charge of the shopping list. For example, he may be asked to hold it while shopping and tick the items that have been purchased to take it out of the list.
• Promise the child that if he does his part well, you will buy him the candy he likes, and if he falls short in his task, he will not have any candy.
• Parents should encourage the child by saying to him, "You are doing a good job following the list. Thank you and we appreciate your help. You are a co-operative child.”
• The mother rewards the child for his good behavior with candy.
At this very moment, the child learns three rules:
The first rule: Anger brings about nothing but loss:
That is because if he grows angry or raises his voice, he will get nothing: on the contrary, he will lose the candy because the mother will not surrender to his anger.
The second rule: Good behavior brings rewards:
When the child plays his role successfully and keeps quiet, he will have the candy he wanted.
The third rule: His parents mean what they say:
For example, if the mother threatens to deprive him of candy if he gets angry, the child will find that she is steadfast in implementing her decision.
At that very moment too, the mother will learn the following:
That the optimum means to have peace and quiet, and not to get involved in embarrassing situations is not to execute Khaalid's orders by buying the box of candy, but it is to teach Khaalid how to change his behavior; that punishment is the inevitable outcome of bad behavior, whereas reward is the pleasant outcome of good behavior.
In this way, the mother learns that to hush her child's cries, the solution is neither to surrender to him nor to beat him, in so much as to co-operate with the child to change his behavior.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Family, - Mutual Rights - Good Companionship - II

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4- In disputes and arguments. Living in kindness implies that when a dispute arises between the spouses, the husband should define the points of dispute and explain her mistake to her, if she is the one who is mistaken. This should be done in a way that involves no reproof or scolding, particularly if he wants her to admit something. When she admits, he has the choice to either reproach or forgive her. Attacking her hastily before explaining her mistakes would end the love and intimacy and hinder the process of living equitably, because she would feel that she has been wronged. Therefore, it is best that the husband explains to his wife her mistake kindly.
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, knew when his wife 'Aa‘ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, was pleased or displeased with him. When she was pleased with him, she, may Allaah be pleased with her, would say, “By the Lord of Muhammad”; otherwise, she, may Allaah be pleased with her, would say, “By The Lord of Ibraaheem ]Abraham, may Allaah exalt his mention[.” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, knew that she would not swear by the Lord of Ibraaheem, may Allaah exalt his mention, unless there was something wrong. In both cases, she, may Allaah be pleased with her, swore by Allaah, who is of course the Lord of Muhammad sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and the Lord of Ibraaheem, may Allaah exalt his mention, but she would use the latter to show that she was upset. This practice was the perfect politeness that only a noble and honorable lady would practice. Such a lady neither attacks nor scolds her husband for his mistakes, but rather behaves patiently and bashfully. Surely, no woman behaves patiently and bashfully, but Allaah will grant her success and a good end.
Also, no man encounters harm from his wife patiently and without saying hurtful or unpleasant words to her but Allaah The Almighty will grant him a good end in this life and a great Hereafter. It is reported that one day a student visited a scholar and saw his son serving him and showing him dutifulness in an amazing way. When the son left, the scholar asked his student, “Are you amazed at his dutifulness?” The student replied in the affirmative and said that he was very amazed at the dutifulness of the son. The scholar explained, “I lived with his mother for more than twenty years and she never smiled at me, but I reacted patiently. Thus, Allaah The Almighty compensated me with what you have seen.”
When a man encounters the harm of his wife with abuse, revilement and curses, she disdains and disparages him. As a result, she will not speak of his love or affection in his absence. People say that man becomes a subject of discussion after his death, so he should choose for himself the best speech. It means that all people who dealt with him will talk about him after his death. They will mention what he said and did.
The perfection of man appears in the flame of his anger when he controls himself and does not say anything but good. May Allaah endow His mercy upon a husband who abstains from saying unpleasant words to his wife!
Living equitably through speech is an important element in the reformation of Muslim homes, and Allaah The Almighty increases the reward of His slave according to the degree of his patience. Allaah The Almighty favored men over women and endowed upon them patience and wisdom that are not granted to others. Thus, the husband should show patience regardless of whatever he hears or sees from his wife. Also, the righteous woman should patiently endure any hurtful and harsh words of her husband, for Allaah The Almighty will make these words a cause for elevating her degrees, multiplying her good deeds and forgiving her sins. Indeed, when Allaah The Almighty loves a people, He tests them.
So Allaah may test a woman by giving her a husband who harms her and whom she hears unpleasant words from.
Kind treatment:
Living in kindness also entails kind treatment, which emanates from being an ideal husband, concord and mutual faithfulness of the spouses. Muslim homes will not be reformed except through righteous deeds and good companionship that reflect a person’s good nature, high morals and virtue. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, testified that the best of men are those who treat their wives kindly and become superior with their good deeds, manners and noble qualities.
It is not enough for the man to claim these qualities; he should translate them into action. When Allaah The Almighty wants to complete His favors over His slave and shower him with His blessings, He beautifies him with good conduct. So, a Muslim who adheres to Islam and follows the way of Allaah The Almighty should, after obeying Him, be keen to maintain noble morals and Islamic etiquettes whereby Allaah The Almighty would increase His reward. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Shall I inform you of those among you who will be closest to me in position on the Day of Resurrection? ]They are[ those of you who have the best morals”]At-Tirmithi[
The Companions, may Allaah be pleased with them, eagerly asked the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, about what causes men and women to enter Paradise, saying, “What are the deeds that cause man to enter Paradise the most?” The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, replied:“Fearing Allaah and ]having[ high morals.”]At-Tirmithi[ Words and actions are required for the spouses to live equitably, and the best person is the one who has the best and most perfect manners. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“The most perfect believers in faith are those among them with high morals.”]At-Tirmithi[
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, made man's wife and relatives the most entitled to his good manners. Therefore, he ordered dutifulness to one's parents due to their closeness. A man asked, “O Messenger of Allaah, who is the most deserving person of my good companionship?” The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, replied:“Your mother.”The man again, “Then who?”“Your mother,”The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, replied. The man asked again, “Then who?” He said:“Your mother.”He then asked, “Then who?” Thereupon, the Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said:“Your father.”]Al-Bukhaari & Muslim[
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, made the greatest share of man's good manners for his relatives, so the first thing we look for in the man whom Allaah has beautified and enhanced in his manners is his good manners with his family. This is because a man might behave in a kind and gentle way in front of people, but once he enters his own house, he behaves badly – this is the most evil creation even if he is kind with people. His kindness in this case is pretentious and hypocritical, but if he were to behave peacefully, kindly, mercifully and gently with his weak wife and children who are under his authority and power, it would be considered a sure sign that he is truthful in his good manners.
For this reason, the man who wants to behave in a good way should begin with his family. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, led the Muslim Ummah )nation( and stood on the pulpit, permitting what Allaah The Almighty made lawful, prohibiting what Allaah The Almighty made unlawful, explaining the Sharee‘ah of Allaah and guiding to His way. He, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, led the armies to make the religion of Allaah The Almighty dominant and His word reign supreme. Yet, when he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, entered his house, he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would enter with compassion, mercy, gentleness and kindness.
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was the best man in treating his wives; the first thing he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would do was to use a Siwaak )toothstick( so that his wife would not find a bad odor. This indicates that the husband, through living equitably with his wife, should take care of his appearance. Ibn ‘Abbaas, may Allaah be pleased with him, would bring a Kohl container and apply Kohl before the mirror, saying, “I like adorning myself for my wife, as I like my wife adorning herself for me.” This is the perfection of Islam.
A Muslim man adopts certain practices and perfections with people when he goes out of his house. Once he returns to his family and wife, he treats each of them properly. The first thing the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would do upon entering his house was to use the Siwaak. When he was alone with his wives, he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would be kind, use the best speech and act in the best way. When 'Aa‘ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, was asked about the manners of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, at home, she said, “He was in the service of his family.” Sometimes he would stitch his clothes and had no feeling of belittlement; it was an honor and perfection as he was the most perfect, most honored and the highest in rank and status in the sight of Allaah The Almighty.
Seeing one’s family should be featured with modesty and humbleness. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Shall I inform you of those among you who are closest to me in position on the Day of Resurrection? ]They are[ those of you who have the best morals, and are the most humble.”]At-Tirmithi[ The wife is most entitled to this humbleness. When the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, visited his wives, he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was keen to bring them happiness, so that they would feel his love, fidelity and the bond with him after his departure. To help strengthen this feeling, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would kiss his wives before he left, not out of sexual desire because once he heard the Athaan )call to prayer( he, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would be busied by that, but rather because the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would kiss his wife out of affection and mercy so that she would realize her place in his heart and sentiment. A guided Muslim, who wishes to abide by the Sharee‘ah of Allaah regarding living equitably, should treat his family in an honorable manner. Moreover, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was keen to bring happiness to his wives when sitting with them, being sad on the sad occasions and being happy on the happy occasions. Nevertheless, he would never say anything but the truth.
)To be continued(

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M