Entering the marital bond - I: Finding a suitable spouse

Marriage is one of the most serious and important commitments an
individual will make in his lifetime. It is a bond that once
established, cannot be easily broken. It is one of the most important
relationships in asociety, as it is the building stoneof the overall
structure. Marriage is so important in Islam that the
Prophetsaid:"Whoever marries has completed half of hisfaith. So let
him have fear of Allaah in the remaining half."]At-Tabaraani[
As an act of worship, Muslims should make the intention to please
Allaah, Almighty, during this process and act in accordance with His
laws.
Unfortunately, in this time, more and more Muslim marriages are
crumbling, primarily due to the fact that they were not in conformity
with the laws established by Allaah. The intention to please Allaah
was not there from the beginning.
As this is a rather immense topic,it will be spread out over several
issues. Some of the initial components in the process are considered
in the following, with the focus on women who are entering the marital
bond.
The presence and guidance of a Wali )guardian - father or whoever
takes his place( is one ofthe conditions required for soundness of a
marriage contract. The Prophetsaid:"There is no marriage except with a
Wali."]Ahmad, Abu Daawood and At-Tirmithi[ Healso said:"If any woman
marries herself without the permission ofher Wali, then her marriage
is void, then her marriage is void, then her marriage is void."]Ahmad,
Abu Daawood and others[
The Wali is the one who will be responsible for finding a suitable
spouse for his ward, one who is religious and an appropriate match.
The Wali must be male, mature, of good moral character,and of the same
religion as the woman.
In the ideal situation, the Wali should be the closest male relative
of the woman, so first it has to be the father, if not then itpasses
to the closest male relative on the father side, her grandfather, then
her son, then her full brother, then her half brother, then his sons,
then paternal uncles, then their sons, then the father paternal
uncles, then the Muslim Judge. For women who have entered Islam from
another religion, however, it is not acceptable for her non-Muslim
father or other non-Muslim relative to act as her Wali. In this case,
the responsibility falls upon the leader of the community. A woman
cannot choose any person for her Wali. The Prophetsaid:"There is no
marriage but with a Wali. And the ruler is the Wali for one who does
not have a wali."]Ahmad and others[
A woman should never be forced to accept a marriage proposal. This is
very clear in Islam. If a woman is forced to accept a marriage
proposed against her will, she would have the right either to annul
the marriage or accept and remain in it.
Ibn 'Abbaasnarrated that a young virgin woman came to the Prophetand
stated that her father had married her and she disliked it. So the
Prophetgave her the option )to annul the marriage or remain in it(.
]Abu Daawood and Ahmad[
The relationship between the woman and her Wali is ideally one of
cooperation involving mutual respect and consideration.
Finding a Spouse with Faith and Piety:
The Prophetsaid: "If someone whose religion and character you are
pleased with comes to you )to marry your daughter or ward( then
marry)her off to( him. If you do not do so, there will be commotion on
the earth, and a great deal of evil." ]At-Tirmithi and Ibn Maajah[
The Wali should assist the woman in finding a spouse who has strong
faith and piety, which is reflected in behavior.
The happiness of the marriage often rests upon this important element.
One of the goals of marriage is to find comfort, repose, and security
in the relationship. This goal is more likely to be achieved if each
spouse has fear of Allaah and adheres to Islam.
Unfortunately, women often lookfor a man who has wealth and letters
behind his name )M.D., Ph.D., etc.( assuming that this will bring them
happiness. Although there is no harm in considering these things, yet
it should not be given first priority. How helpful will that wealth
and those letters be when the personis being disrespectful and
uncaring towards his wife? How beneficial will he be in helping her to
fulfill her obligations to Allaah?
Women should carefully arrange their priorities when it comes to
selecting a spouse, for the success and happiness of the marriage may
depend on this.
Payment of Mahr )dowry(:
Payment of the Mahr is also a necessary condition for soundness of a
marriage contract. It is given to the wife asa way of honoring and
respectingher and as a symbol of the husband's commitment to provide
for and take care of his wife.
Allaah Says )what means(:"And give the women )upon marriage( their
bridal gifts graciously."]Quran; 4:4[
This verse and others establish the obligatory nature of the Mahr.
There is no minimum or maximum amount of Mahr statedexplicitly in
either the Quran or Hadeeth.
Anything of value is acceptable asMahr, regardless of whether it is
something material or something non-material )if the person lacks
wealth(. The prophetsaid:"Search for something, even if it just be a
ring made from iron."]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[ In fact, the Mahr could
be knowledge of the Quran as related in a popular narration. The
Prophetaccepted the dower of a person'sknowledge of Quran. He said:"Go
for I have put her under your charge )in marriage( due to what you
have of the Quran."]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[
There is no maximum amount of dower as Allaah Says )what means(:"But
if you want to replace one wife with another and you have given one of
them aQintaar )great amount of gold( in gift, do not take )back( form
it anything."]Quran; 4:20[
A Qintaar is a very large amount of gold, which implies that it is
allowed to give such large amounts. The Caliph Umarhowever, did advise
the people atone time not to be excessive withregard to a woman's
dower. The Prophetalso encouraged people to be easy in this area.
Hesaid:"The best Mahr is the one which is easiest )to be
paid(."]Al-Haakim and Ibn Maajah[
Some women request enormous amounts of money, jewelry, and goods from
their prospective husbands, oftentimes making it impossible for the
men to fulfill these requests. Men are actually foregoing or
postponing marriage because they are unableto pay the "going rate" or
to find a woman who is willing to accepta lesser amount.
This creates a great deal of corruption, trial and temptation not only
for individuals, but also for society as a whole. Women should look
beyond their own personal desires and interests and consider loftier
values and benefits.