Soul Purification, - Indeed, It Was the First Night in My Life!

I was moving restlessly on my bed that night; I could not sleep as I
was extremely terrified for no obvious reason. It was four in the
morning and I was overwhelmed with fear and everything was dim and
dark in my eyes. I started reciting the Surahs of the Noble Quran that
I had to memorize. I have memorized many of them, yet I have forgotten
most of them as I did not revise them continually. I closed my eyes
and started recalling what I memorize from the verses of the Noble
Quran; I felt a little bit calm, yet fear was still in the air.
Strangely enough, I started seeing my whole life flash before my eyes.
I recalled my childhood, my sins while I was growing up, and the
prayers that I have often, and maybe always, performed lazily.
Moreover, I started remembering my friend and how we used to meet,
play, and have fun together, never thinking of death! I recalled how
my friend left her house one day, but never came back. She passed away
in a car accident! Then, I started thinking of what I would say to the
Angel of death when he comes to claim my soul; am I ready for death?
Am I ready to meet my Lord? Have I done enough good deeds to enter
Paradise? Would I be among the dwellers of Paradise or the residents
of Hellfire? No, I will definitely, be among the inhabitants of
Paradise, Allaah willing, but what did I do to earn that honor? Are my
deeds enough to get me into Paradise? What did I do to be among the
dwellers of Paradise? Would yelling and shouting at my mother get me
into Paradise? Are backbiting and tale-bearing the kind of deeds that
would get me into Paradise? Am I going to be granted Paradise for not
adhering to the due Hijaab or for my impermissible exposure of my
adornments and beauty? Is Paradise the abode of those who watch
impermissible films and listen to immoral songs? I have always felt
shy to let people sit with me while watching such immoral movies and
songs, yet I have never felt bashful of Allaah The Almighty!
I was silent for some seconds, and then continued my monologue. I
started thinking that I was still, certainly, better than many other
impious people. Then,I started recalling those devout young girls whom
I used to meet in the mosque and how each of them was willing to fight
the whole universe and sacrifice her life and not expose a single lock
of her hair before strangers! Who am I compared to them? Have I made
an agreement with Allaah The Exalted to grant me the chance to repent
before death? Have I made an accord with Allaah The Exalted that I
would not die now or tomorrow? Has Allaah The Almighty promised to
forgive me and admit me to Paradise?
Frightened as I was at these moments, I stood up, shaking out of fear
with frozen tears in my eyes. I headed towards the bathroom, preformed
ablution and stood to perform prayers. I was literally shivering and
shaking all over.
Strangely enough, I found myself shedding tears and crying out of fear
for the first time in my life. It was the first time in my life to cry
like that for something other than the usual worldly affairs and
insignificant trivialities. In fact, I used to cry my eyes out for
missing the chance to commit a sin! Moreover, I also used to cry my
heart out when hearing a love song that moves me, yet it is a mere
Satanic whispering. Alas, I have cried for the most trivial reasons,
yet I have never cried while pondering over the Noble Quran, being
moved with the Words of Allaah that He rendered a remedy and mercy for
us!
Indeed, I have gone astray; I have been inattentive, my feelings have
been numbed and I have been swimming against the tide, yet, here I am
sobbing ad crying my heart out, because of fear of Allaah The
Almighty, lamenting and bemoaning my past sins that I committed
carelessly thinking that they were not that grave. Allaah The Exalted
Says )what means(:}…and thought it was insignificant while it was, in
the Sight of Allaah, tremendous."{]Quran 24:15[
What a great difference between those tears!
No one would believe how much I was moved by the meanings of the
verses that I read that night. It was as if I was reciting them for
the first time in my life, although I used to recite them often in my
prayers! I prostrated myself before Allaah The Exalted for a very long
time. I did not feel the passage of time then, yet the only feeling
that was haunting and absorbing me was the sense of humbleness and
grandeur of being in the Presence of Allaah The Almighty, my Lord and
Creator. I kept supplicating, imploring Allaah The Exalted to forgive
my sins and pardon my misdeeds, thanking and praising Him that I
literally felt the grandeur of His presence. I could not believe what
I was saying back then; I was beseeching Him with supplications that I
never knew I had memorized. I felt as if my heart was imploring Allaah
The Exalted! I finished the prayer and then started remembering my
past sins; then, I started contemplating my own body; how do my hands
move? How does my heart throb? How do my eyes, ears and feet function?
Then, I started pondering over everything around me; how can a tiny
seed grow and become a huge tree? I started thinking; where I have
been all those past years? Have I been inattentive and heedless for
all this time? Have I not felt the grandeur of His presence, although
He was so close to me?
I really felt the Grandeur of Allaah The Exalted at that moment. How
could one overlook and fail to notice such Grandeur? How can a human
being be that ungrateful to his Lord? His Creator bestows upon him so
many blessings and grants him sustenance, in spite of man's continuous
misdeeds and sins, while the human neglects to be grateful, and praise
and pray to Him. In fact, Allaah The Exalted does not deprive the
sinners of sustenance and blessings because of their sins.
Moreover, Allaah The Exalted increases one's sustenance, while this
ungrateful creature increases his sins! How strange this is! Allaah
The Exalted asks His slaves to repent to Him, promising to Pardon all
their misdeeds, and replace them with good deeds, yet man would not
settle for that great deal! How is it that one refuses such a golden
opportunity? How can he say no to such a proposal? Does this creature
not know that he would die one day? Does he not remember that death is
his inescapable fate? How many years could he possibly live? Seventy,
eighty, even one hundred years; and then what? Indeed, he would die
and be buried beneath the ground ]in the dust[. Who would keep company
with him in the darkness of his grave? Who would reassure him and
relieve his worry and fear then? Who would be there for him? Who would
shield him against the punishment in the grave? Where will be his
formative actors and singers then? Where will be his friends with whom
he spent his good times in this life? Where will be his family who has
neglected him? Who would be with him on that day?
I heard the call for the Fajr Prayer; I performed the payer and sat
down to recite the Noble Quran for the first time after the last month
of Ramadan or the one before it! I kept reciting the verses of the
Noble Quran until sunrise of shortly after; and then, I went to bed.
My heart was filled with bliss and tranquility; I was happy and calm
as I wiped away my tears as if I was wiping away my sins. I felt that
my sins were washed with my tears; those tears were washing my heart
from all the stains, relieving my worries and fear. By Allaah, I have
never felt this way before; it was a unique bliss that I have never
experienced before in my entire life. I kept repeating the verse that
reads )what means(:}Those who have believed and whose hearts are
assured by the Remembrance of Allaah.
Unquestionably, by the Remembrance of Allaah hearts are assured.{]Quran 13:28[
At last, I closed my eyes, and fell into a deep sleep. I slept like a
baby and relished the sweetness of deep sleep for the first time in my
life; as if I had not slept for the past nineteen years of my life!