Women site, - Mutual Rights-Good Companionship - I

The mutual rights that Allaah The Almighty has enjoined on both the
spouses represent His utmost justice. There are two major rights.
There are two main rights: the right to good companionship, and the
right to overnight stay and equal distribution. In this series we will
address the first of these rights.
First: The right to good companionship
Muslims will never find happiness or tranquility in their homes unless
they live together in a kind manner. Allaah The Almighty enjoined the
right of good companionship because it helps maintain the affairs of
the spouses and brings them happiness. Moreover, it was set to serve
as a real test for the spouses. Allaah The Almighty Says )what
means(:}And live with them in kindness.{]Quran 4:19[ This is a command
from Allaah The Almighty, which implies a sense of obligation.
Scholars said that living in kindness is an obligatory right whose
violator bears a sin while the one who fulfils it deserves reward.
Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}Either retain them in kindness
or part with them kindness.{]Quran 65:2[
Good companionship requires essential matters that appear in a
person's heart, which is only known to Allaah The Almighty, in his
speech and words and in his behavior and actions.
Intention:
Good companionship has three aspects, the first and foremost of which
is the intention and what is hidden in the hearts of the spouses. The
husband cannot live in kindness with his wife, nor can she live in
kindness with him unless each has a good intention towards the other.
This is what Allaah The Almighty means by his Saying )what means(:}And
do not keep them, intending harm, to transgress ]against them[.{]Quran
2:231[ If the husband wants to keep his wife, he should have a good
intention towards her. Therefore, scholars have said that Allaah The
Almighty reveals whatever man conceals in his heart, good or bad, in
the slips of his tongue. For the man who intends good when marrying a
woman or bringing her into wedlock with the intention to treat her
kindly and live with her in kindness, Allaah will guide him and grant
him success in his life. Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}If
Allaah Knows ]any[ good in your hearts, He Will Give you ]something[
better.{]Quran 8:70[
When Allaah The Almighty finds good intentions in the hearts of the
spouses, He will grant them success in their apparent behavior and
actions and bring about goodness through them.
Thus, the first advice given to the person who wants to live in
kindness is to have good intention. Some scholars said that the
husband has to renew his intention every day so that Allaah The
Almighty would increase his reward, particularly when his wife is
righteous or has an extra right over him, such as being his relative.
He should have in his heart a good intention towards her, and in this
case, Allaah The Almighty would reveal this intention through his
sayings and actions. Similarly, the woman should have in her heart
good intention towards her husband. Once this intention changes,
Allaah The Almighty will change the conditions of the spouses. Allaah
The Almighty Says )what means(:}Indeed, Allaah will not change the
condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.{]Quran
13:11[
When the spouses change their good intentions, Allaah The Almighty
will consequently change their conditions from good to evil, and from
better to worse. Thus, every husband should consider his intention and
look into his heart when he suffers troubles with his wife. In
principle, good companionship emanates from good and righteous
intention, and from a heart that harbors goodness. The effects of
these things are reflected on a person's actions. The Prophet,
sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said:"Indeed, there is a piece of flesh
in the body which, if it is sound, the whole body is sound, and if it
is corrupt, the whole body is corrupt. Indeed, that is the heart."
Speech:
The second point related to good companionship in one's speech is that
just as man should have good intention in his heart in order to live
in kindness, his speech should also be in accordance with the Pleasure
of Allaah The Almighty. Some scholars said regarding}And live with
them in kindness{that kindness is everything that is in accordance
with the Sharee'ah of Allaah The Almighty, and that evil is everything
that contradicts the Sharee'ah of Allaah The Almighty. Thus, the
husband, who wants to live on good terms with his wife, should fear
Allaah The Almighty regarding what he say, and likewise for wife. The
principle that the Book of Allaah and Sunnah of the Prophet,
sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, have affirmed is that every believing
man and woman should preserve his/her tongue and utter good words. The
Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said:"Whoever believes in
Allaah and the Last Day, let him say something good or keep silent."
The signs of belief in Allaah The Almighty include controlling one's
tongue from saying anything but good to people in general and the
family in particular. Allaah The Almighty enjoined the believers in
the past, addressing us as well, Saying )what means(:}And speak to
people good ]words[.{]Quran 2:83[ Allaah The Almighty ordered us to
say good words that please Him, because good words benefit the person
who says them both in this world and in the Hereafter. On the other
hand, bad words harm the speaker in this life and in the Hereafter.
When words emerge from the tongue, they never return, and when hurtful
and harsh words are uttered, they break hearts, ruin them and alter
affection and love to an extent that only Allaah Knows. Allaah The
Almighty therefore enjoined preserving the tongue in the Quran and
through the words of His Messenger, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam.
Scholars listed the situations in which living in kindness through
speech occurs between the spouses:
1- When the spouses call one another.
2- When they request something from one another.
3- During discussion, conversation and jesting.
4- In disputes and arguments.
1- When the woman calls her husband or when he calls her, it should be
done in a nice manner. The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam,
would call 'Aa'ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, saying: "O
'Aa'ish, O 'Aa'ish." Scholars said that this manner of calling his
wife showed how the Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, honored,
jested and fulfilled his role as a good husband to his wives. This is
a method for Muslim husbands - to use words of love and kindness when
calling their wives. Harsh and coarse addressing, which involves a
coercive and forceful style on the part of the husband or mockery and
sarcasm on the part of the wife, ruins love and severs ties of
intimacy between the spouses. Thus, the wife should call her husband
by the best names and so should her husband.
'Umar, may Allaah be pleased with him, said that affection and love
increases when a Muslim calls his Muslim brother with the best of his
names. This is one of the three factors that strengthen intimacy among
Muslims, so what would be its effect on the spouses? It is a mistake
when the husband chooses for his wife a name that embarrasses her or
exposes her to ridicule or belittlement. The same thing applies to the
wife with her husband. Some scholars would say that it is preferable
that the spouses do not call one other by their names; it is most
honorable that they call each other by their nicknames )i.e. father of
so and so or mother of so and so(. This is the best manner to adopt.
Scholars have also said that when a husband is used to calling his
wife affectionately, she does the same or even better since women were
created inclined to affection and love for gentleness, mercy and
intimacy. So, when the husband treats his wife on that basis, she
would react with him in a better way.
2- When the man requests something from his wife, he should ask her in
a manner that does not give her the feeling of servitude, humiliation,
contempt or belittlement. Similarly, when the woman requests something
from her husband, she should not overburden, hurt or harm him, nor
should she use troublesome words. This behavior helps to preserve
one's tongue and fulfill living equitably through speech. The Prophet,
sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, once asked 'Aa'ishah, may Allaah be
pleased with her, while he, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, was in the
mosque )Masjid(:"Give me the straw mat."She, may Allaah be pleased
with her, said, "I am menstruating." The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi
wa sallam, said:"Your menstruation is not in your hands."]Muslim[.
Just look at how the Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, asked a
Mother of the Believers for something, and when she declined, she
mentioned her Sharee'ah-based excuse. She, may Allaah be pleased with
her, did not say no or that she could not without a justification;
rather, she, may Allaah be pleased with her, said that she was in her
menstruation, awaiting instructions on what to do. The Prophet,
sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, replied:"Your menstruation is not in
your hands,"meaning that she could simply hand it over since entering
a hand into the mosque is not like entering the whole body.
The lesson we learn here is kindness in calling or requesting
something. Marital problems may arise due to frequent requests.
Scholars mentioned that when a man burdens his wife with many demands
and his manner of demanding is bothersome, this would be one of the
major reasons that ruin affection and love. A woman in this case feels
as if she is a humiliated servant in her husband's house.
Wise men, with the Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, before
them, advised giving reward upon request, at least with kind words.
For example, when the husband asks his wife to do something, and she
does it, he should say kind words to her, such as supplicating to
Allaah The Almighty to grant her goodness and bless her. Once the wife
realizes that her favor and goodness are appreciated, thanked and not
denied, she will appreciate this from her husband and will actively do
good to him and fulfill his needs. This will greatly help them live
equitably together.
3- In conversations and jesting. The spouses should not talk to one
another at inappropriate times. Some scholars said that it is harmful
that a woman talks to her husband when he is tired and exhausted or
that a man talks to his wife when she is tired and exhausted. This
entails boredom and contradicts living in the kindness that Allaah The
Almighty enjoined. They added that when a man jests with his wife, he
should use the best words, and when he relates something to her, he
should select the best event that positively and fruitfully affects
her.
)To be continued(