Protecting our children from sexual abuse - III

What should a parent do if he or she suspects abuse?
If you are worried that your child has been sexually abused, it is
important to put your trust in Allaah and stay calm. Children arevery
intuitive and can easily sensethere is something "up". Allaah Says
)what means(:"…Indeed, Allaah is with the patient."]Quran 2: 153[
It is imperative that you stay completely casual when you ask your
child the following question:
"I'm wondering if someone has been touching you in a way you don't
like or don't understand.")this question was taken from 'Protect Your
Child from Sexual Abuse'(.
Did anyone ask you to keep a secret?
Stay away from questions like:"Did anyone touch you in a place that
you didn't like?")A common question(.
Generally speaking, a child who has never been abused may just
complain about somebody tickling him or her. But for the child who has
been sexually abused, more than likely they willeither act
uncomfortable about the questions or avoid it completely. It is
important to understand that they are still in the cycle of violence.
They may have been possibly threatened or made promises that they
"feel" they should keep. The abuser has probably spent hours and hours
gaining the child's trust and being their "personal friend". This
makes it very difficult for thechild to say anything about the abuser.
It is important that you remain both relaxed and open. Try to pray
Salaat –ul-Istikhaarah )the prayer of seeking Allaah's Guidance( for
help before you start opening the communication. Allaah Says)what
means(:"And seek help through patience and prayer…"]Quran 2: 45[
It is natural for the parent to feel rage, anger, pain etc. But it is
essential that you remain calm. Mujaahidsaid: "Beautiful patience is
patience without any panic."'Amr Ibn Qayssaid: "Beautiful patience
means to be content with adversity and to surrender to the will of
Allaah."The child will probably think that you are angry with him or
her and not with the abuser. They may not even know that by talking to
you they had incriminated their "friend". Your reaction is very
important to keep the lines of communication open. It is important to
be reassuring and to let the child know that he had done nothing
wrong.
Once opening the "can of worms", the child might start feeling scared
and insecure. He orshe may need lots of hugs and reassuring words.
From the moment that the child opens up, everything after that will
affect him or her for the rest of the life. Your being stable and a
"rock" for him or her is impetrative.
Depending on what country you live in, you need to then follow
procedure in order to insure proper legal steps are taken. You can't
just leave the situation thinking "ok, I won't let him or her with­
again." This is not enough. Reread Characteristics ofthe Sexual Abuser
and see how many children they abuse in theirlife. Is this fair to
allow a criminalto go free, knowing very well that he will strike
again. I know itis very hard to do this, especially if it is a family
member. But thesepeople are very sick. Think about Prophet Lootewhen
hedealt with the homosexual issue.Left undone, the sickness spread
throughout the entire city. The same happens with innocent children,
many may have multitude of sexual issues when they grow up. The effect
of even just one incident can permanently damage them for the rest of
their lives. It is important to note that young boys who are sexually
abused caneither withdraw into theirselves or actually become sexual
abusers themselves as they grow up.
They are so mixed up and feeling shame and powerlessness that they may
end of repeating the same cycle. Like the man who is yelled at by his
boss, then comes home and yells at his wife, then the wife yells at
the kids and the kids kick and yell at the neighbor kids or guard dog.
It is a vicious cycle that will not go away.
One thing in Islamic communitiesis that they worry more about
protecting their girls than their boys. This is a big mistake! We need
to wake up and care about both our girls and boys the same.Just
because they are boys doesn't mean that they cannot be sexually
abused.
Please note that your child may feel very guilty for "causing" all the
problems in the family. It is of course worse if the offender is one
of the family members. Your child may have to repeat over andover to
different authorities whathappened. You do not want the child to close
down. It is important that you offer your unconditional love and
support for the child. Help the child understand that the move he
or she made, Allaah willing, will protect him or her and other
children from the offender. Read to children stories of those who
stood up to injustice no matter how hard it was. Let them know that it
is their right as Muslim children that they are protected and cared
for.
It is important not to let too many people know about what had
happened. Your child's privacy is very important. Also take care of
yourself and get the support you need. Remember! Allaah wrote
everything that was to happen, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for
this. We must believe that Allaah has Wisdom behind every incident.
Allaah Knows and Sees everything. With His infinite Wisdom call on
Allaah by His most beautiful Names and Attributes.
Allaah Says )what means(:"…But give good tidings to the patient, who,
when disaster strikes them,say, "Indeed we belong to Allaah,and indeed
to Him we will return.Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from
their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the ]rightly[
guided."]Quran 2: 155-7[