Advice to women regarding marriage – II

What to do upon receiving a proposal:
The young woman should pray Istikhaarah (i.e., the Prayer of Guidance)
and not to ask others to pray it on her behalf, as some women do, as
this is a baseless act and an innovation in the religion. Furthermore,
she shouldseek the advice of trustworthy people and inquire about the
person.
Imaam Ahmad reported the story of Julaybeeb who was sent by the
Prophet to one of the families of the Ansaar (i.e., the residents of
Madeenah) to give him their daughter in marriage. Julaybeeb was very
impoverished and so the young woman's mother reused the offer, but the
young woman spoke out and agreed to marry him because he was sent to
her by the Prophet himself. The result was that she never suffered in
any way, and that there was no other woman of the Ansaar who was
wealthier than her. This is because Julaybeeb was killed in the very
next battle that occurred after his marriage, having killed seven
disbelievers in it. Upon finding his body, the Prophet carried him and
buried him with his own hands. He also supplicated for the widow,
saying: "O Allaah! Pour Your blessings upon her and do not make her
suffer in life." It was due to this supplication that she never
suffered, in any way, and that there was no woman from the Ansaar
wealthier than her.
If the man proposing wishes thathis future wife give up her studies or
job after marriage, andhe is a suitable man, then this should not
hamper the marriage.Also, if the man finds such a young woman to be a
suitable one, he should not reconsider marrying her due to this, as he
could marry her and then convince her after marriage to give it up.
Similarly, the family and the young woman should not refuse a proposal
from a man due to him having children from a previous marriage.
Some young women overlook certain matters, such as the man's looks and
wealth, only to have misgivings and regret their decision later.
Therefore, the young woman should be absolutely sure before giving her
approval and be honest with herself when she makes her decision.
Moreover, she should becontent with him based on religious
convictions. Some women always advise their friends regarding the
matter of being a second wife, stating that it is an integral part of
Islaam and that they should not refuse aman simply because he is
already married; however, when they themselves get married as second
wives, they act very differently to the advice they gaveothers, due to
their covetousness.
The young woman should be a facilitating factor in her marriage;she
should, for example, refuse to set unbearable conditions or a high
dowry, but if her family insists, then she should nominally agree and
then relieve her husband of such difficulties later on.
Some women behave arrogantly towards their husbands due to holding
advanced degrees, having a noble lineage, the wealth of their
families, or their beauty. The result of this arrogance is that they
act rebelliously towards their husbands and thus acquire sin.
Fears of some young women in the process of marriage:
Some young women fear the imminent loss of their close friends and
sisters due to their impending marriage. This may cause them to hate
the future husband, perhaps causing them, prior to the wedding night,
to goas far as to seek to annul the marriage contract.
This could happen for many reasons, such as:
Improperly assessing the consequences of such actions.
Having an irresponsible and reckless attitude.
Favouring the joy of the short term over the long term one of having
children and the establishment of a happy marital life.
Also, the husband should not deprive his wife of her female friends
and relatives. The Prophet would allow the female friends of 'Aa'ishah
to visit her.
When a young woman is being proposed to, she should educate herself
about the rulings of marriage, the rights of the husband, the rights
of the wife, and how to live in kindness and harmony with her spouse.
On theother hand, she should not concern herself with studying
thesexual aspects of marital life untilthe marriage contract is
completed.
The wife's role in her home :
This is to serve her husband, bear, nurse, and nurture his children,
and be a housewife.
If a woman is used to being immersed in the study and propagation of
Islaam, and then marries whilst not clearly having in mind a role as a
wife, she may begin feeling, very shortly after marriage, that her new
role as a wife is a trivial one. This may cause her to begin leaving
her house to resume her former lifestyle. It is vital, however, that
she understand her role and obligation as a wife and the reward of
fulfilling them. Anas reported that the Prophet said : "If a woman
prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month(i.e. the month of
Ramadhaan), guards her private parts and obeys her husband, she will
enterParadise from any of its gates that she wishes." [Abu Nu'aym]
The married woman must persevere through the hardships of pregnancy,
pre-delivery contractions and the agony of the delivery itself. Some
women refuse to go through such hardships and take birth control pills
to prevent pregnancy, or, if they do get pregnant, prefer a caesarean
section over a normal delivery.
'Amr Ibn Hijr married Kindah Bint 'Awf Ash-Shaybaani . On her wedding
night, her mother, Umaamah Bint Al-Haarith took her aside and advised
her: "Dear daughter! You are leaving the environment which you are
accustomed to and departing from the place you grew up in to a partner
whom you are unfamiliar with. If a woman had no need of a husband due
to her parents sufficing her, then you would be the last person to
require a husband, but women were created to be the partners of men,
and men were created to be the partners of women. Act like his slave,
and he will become like your slave. Uphold the following ten matters
and you will find them to be provisions: The first and second are to
be content with what he provides and to listen to and obey him. The
third and the fourth are to make sure that all he sees and smells from
you are pleasing to him, so he should not see you in a displeasing
appearance, nor smell anything but a fine fragrance from you. The
fifth and the sixth are to comfort him in his sleep and food, because
repeated hunger and lack of sleep will enflame his anger. The seventh
and the eighth are to protect his wealth and take care of his
children; the focal point regarding wealth is to have good judgement
in spending it, and that regarding the children is to properly nurture
them. The ninth and the tenth are to not disobey his commands or
disclose his secrets, because when you disobey him you intimidate him,
and if you disclose his secrets youwould not know what he may doto
you. Do not be joyful in front of him when he is upset, or express
sadness if he is happy."
'Abdullaah Ibn Ja'far addressed his daughter saying: "Avoid jealousy,
as it is the key to your divorce; avoid complaint, as it instigates
anger; adorn yourselffor him, and make sure you washaway any bad
odours by frequentbathing."
Pre-marital errors on the part of women:
Freely talking to males on the telephone and being open with male relatives.
Being over confident and rejecting many of those who propose.
Not differentiating between wisdom and fast rejection.
Not having the criterion by whichto judge the proposing person clearly in mind.
Finally, many young women wish to get married but they waste their
time daydreaming and wishfully thinking about the idealhusband. This
is all fruitless; the best way for them to attain a good husband would
be to busy themselves in supplicating to Allaah to provide such a
person.