Psychological and emotional abuse of children

How is psychological and emotional abuse defined in Islam? What
constitutes these emotional scars that cannot be seen on the skin?
Emotional abuse is similar to verbal abuse but sometimes it can be
alittle more twisted and suddenly alarming. It reaches into each fiber
ofthe self esteem, leaving the victim in deep emotional pain about his
or herself regarding the world around him/her. Usually these children
who have been so severely abused either grow up to be unable to set
normal functioning boundaries or become anemotionally abusive
themselves.
All thanks and gratitude are due to Allaah, Who has set standards that
guide us in how to behave with one another. And yes that also includes
our children.
Everything boils down the heart. It is the most important part of our body.
The Prophet Muhammad said: "Indeed there is a piece of flesh in your
body which,if it be sound, then the whole body will be sound and if it
be corrupt then the whole body will be corrupt. Indeed it is the
heart." [Al-Bukhaari]
All of our actions stem from this part. If we havebeen raised in a
negativeemotionally abusive home, we may be carrying this excessive
baggage into our hearts and homes without even knowing it. But first
we must know what emotional/psychotically abuse means in order to
look, not only, into the past but how it is affecting us now.
Allaah looks into the heart of the each one of us, not at our outward
appearance. Therefore when we viciously attack our children
emotionally by demeaning them, calling them names, telling them they
are ugly, a failure, letting them feel worthless we have started an
arsenal attack on the heart. We have made them feel as though they are
worthless and rejected. We are going deep into an area that we have no
right to tread. Since Allaah "scans" our hearts what are we doing to
our children's? The Prophet said: "Allaah doesnot look at your bodies
or your faces but He looks at your hearts and actions." [Muslim]
The tongue is a great indicator of what is in the heart. When a
parent's heart is good you can see it in their wording. Yes we all get
upset with our children, but the parents who have a good heart will
becareful and Allaah-fearing. Since we know that if the tongue is used
correctly it will be blessed, so what about people not using their
tongue correctly? Or, if the tongue is a hypocrite,speaking nicely
only to the people outside the home but abusing their children inside
the home.
For some reason many parents believe they can say whatever they would
like to their children, without ever thinking of the consequences.
These consequences can be even more far-reaching than just the child
because the parent himself will be accountable to Allaah for
emotional/psychological abuse. Allaah Says (what means): "Successful
indeed are the believers. Those who offer their prayers with all
solemnity and full submissiveness. And those who turn away from
Al-Laghw (dirty, false, evil vain talk, falsehood, and all that Allaah
has forbidden.)" [Quran; 23:1-2]
Each and every act that we communicate, be it verbally or
non-verbally, will be recorded. Just because we are in the confines of
our four wallsdoes not mean that we are "truly alone". Not only does
Allaah see and hear everything, Allaah has also sent angels to record
everything we sayand do. So even if we do not use foul destructive
language to our children,if we withhold love and care, favoring one
child over the others, etc. or doing anything that goesoutside of the
boundaries of Islam, it is all being recorded. AllaahSays (what
means): "Not a word does he (or she) utter, but there is a watcher by
him ready (to record it)" [Quran; 50:18]
Allaah will call us to account with His Almighty Justice not with
oppression. Yet what are we doing to our children inside the home.
Like the perished nations before us justified not believing in Allaah
Alone because their parents worshiped others than Allaah. Is it right
to abuse and ignorethe emotional needs of our children because our
mothers and father's raised us that way? Are we so unattached to our
feelings that we forgot how bad it felt when our feelings were
discountedand we were emotionallyscared on a daily bases? The Prophet
said: "Whoever believes in Allah and the last day should speak good
orkeep silent." [Al-Bukhaari]
Or do we only reserve this narration to those we want to "show" that
we are good Muslims? Where on the outside wepretending to "look" like
our hearts are clean but on the inside we are abusing our children on
a daily basis. If our behavior with those outside is good, warm and
loving but in our homes it is full of"emotional and verbal" filth, we
have to look deep inside our hearts. If this is the case, not only are
we harming our children but are teachingthem to be two-faced or
hypocritical with their heart and tongue.
Imaam Ash-Shaafi'i said: "If you wish to speak then it is your
responsibility to think before you speak. If you think there is good
in it then you should speak and if not then do not speak. "
This saying is from someone who is searching for salvation. Obviously
we need to discipline our children and reprehend them when they do
something wrong, but how we do it,what is our real intentionbehind it.
Are we doing itas sincere advice becausewe love them for the sake of
Allaah or are we doing it for other intentions like; to humiliate
them, to let off steam, to feel more powerful and to feel in control?
For Allaah's sake we must look into our intention for each and every
move we make. Do we really believe that all these rules about manners
and speech are only for those outside our homes? Do we really deep
down inside live in a fantasy world that we are "kings and queens" of
our home and we can do as we like?
We should ask ourselves before we speak:
What is our intention?
Will this saying of mine please Allaah?
Will this saying of mine bring me closer to Allaah?
Does this saying earn with it obedience to Allaah?
If so, then speak, otherwise one should keep quiet.
Our children are Muslims and the following saying of the Prophet
applies to them: "A Muslim is one who does not harm the Muslims with
his tongue or hands." [Al-Bukhaari]
We know from the section on physical abusethat we are not allowed to
harm our children with our hands. Now we know that we are not allowed
to oppress ourselves and our children with our tongue. This abuse of
thetongue can actually harden the heart. This is obviously a very
serious matter. May Allaah protect us from this!
The Prophet said: "Whoever guarantees me what isbetween his jaws and
what is between his legs will enter paradise." [Ahmad and At-Tirmithi]
If we don't take the time to reflect and think abouthow we are acting
towards our children, wecould be piling up sins and not even know it.
It is not enough just to put a roof over our children'shead and feed
them. We are raising the future Islamic nation, and they need to be
functional active members. If we repress them emotionallyand
psychologically, what kind of nation will they be? Do we really think
that we can follow our own desires within the home and get away with
it from The One WhoKnows and Sees everything? One day those children
may be changing our "dippers" and feeding us by hand. How would we
like to be treated? Do we really believe we can abuse and expect them
to care for us with deep love anddevotion? Do we want them to only
fear us or respect and love us? Do we believe it is enough to force
them to parrot the Prophetic narration regarding obeying their
parents.
If we find all of this hard to do, we need to soften our hearts and
ask Allaah to forgive us.