A Day on the Tennis Courts

This is a funny short story about a tennis match in a competitive
tennis league... although I am not sure how funny it was at the time.
Our next opponent in the tennis league, Richmond, came into the match
witha dreadful record of 0 wins, 5 losses. The interesting thing about
Richmond was their captain. Every captain hasa different personality
in this league, but I have been warned about Mikhail being a"handful".
We hosted Richmond on Saturday. Some of their players, who had paid
large dues to be a member of their club, seemed annoyed that they had
to play on our public courts, a far cry from the quality of the
typical private club. As their players took the court, Mikhail grabbed
a measuring tape out of hisbag and measured the height of the net. He
complained that the net was a ½ inch too high and demanded that we
drop it. I felt like saying,"Look, your team is 0-5, does it really
matter?", but instead I lowered the net to his satisfaction. Then,
when he opened a can of balls that we supplied, he complained that the
balls were too fuzzy.
When I tested the ball, it bounced fine and I realized the only thing
fuzzy was his logic."You're welcome to open another can of your own if
you like." He muttered something under his breath before he found
something new to complain about, a few cracks on our public courts.
Due to Mikhail's shenanigans, we started the match about fifteen
minutes late. After my partner and I won a hard fought first set in
doublesagainst Mikhail and his partner, we had our next controversy.
For background, Mikhail is the kind of guy who would argue with a sign
post. He spent the next five minutes disputing (incorrectly) whose
serve and on what side the server should start in the next set.
This is exactly why every league captain should bring to each match
The Code, which lists all the league rules and regulations. It's not
enough to know the rules. When you have to deal with guys like
Mikhail, you have to actually show him the rules in black and white.
After showing Mikhail therelevant section of The Code, he mumbled,
"They must have changed the rule recently." Yeah, right.
Later in the match, four points into a game, Mikhail called out the
score "40-15."
"No, no. The score is 30 all," I said, approaching the net. My partner
nodded in agreement.
"No, it's 40-15," Mikhail said adamantly.
After a long argument and attempt to recall all the points in the
game, we could only remember three points, two, they won and one we
won. I said, "The rule in this caseis that we play from 30-15, the
specific points in the game we all agree on."
"No," Mikhail said, shaking his head. "As server, it's my call and I
say the score is 40-15. That's the rule."
I respectfully asked him what he had been smoking and was it for
medicinal purposes before pulling out the rule book again. After
showing him the relevantsite proving my point, Mikhail grumbled under
his breath that it should be the server's decision because he's the
one thatknows the score.
Mikhail went on to win his service game. Then, I started my next
service game by shouting the score "40 love". When Mikhail put both
hands on his hips in clear protest, I said, "As server, it's my call."
And the congeniality went down from there.
We went on to win the match. Afterwards, I learned Mikhail is one of
those league players whoalways had an excuse for a loss. Here is a
list of my favorite excuses (three of which Mikhail used) that all
start with the quote, "Iwould've won if it wasn't for the..."
(1) Bad line calls
(2) Blinding sun (didn't your opponent have to deal with this too?)
(3) Wind (didn't your opponent have to... nevermind)
(4) New racket (you believed the ad saying it would make you a better player)
(5) Play of my partner (Some people have never lost a doubles match...
but their partners have)
(6) Heat, if temperatures were greater than 75 degrees
(7) Cold, if temperatures were less than 75 degrees
(8) Crowd noise (because you play your best tennis in libraries)
(9) Fact that your opponent simply played better than you. The real
reason for almost all defeats in tennis.