Where are you, my love?

I have thought of writingand sharing my pain for a long time. This has
been torturing me for months and I decided to finally share it with
you.
I know a lot of you wouldblame me and say that I am guilty, that if I
want I can end it all, but I am so deeply in love and I would do
everything I can to keep the man nextto me, even if I am
self-destroying myself.
I have a boyfriend for already half a year, it all started
unexpectedly, simply one introduction, one date, one conversation and
I totallygot lost in his spider-web.
Love caught me unexpectedly; I know youthink this can't be real, that
for half a year you can't be certain of the love. But I am so aware of
my feelings, this is a love you don't notice at first, it touches
gently thecoldness of your everyday life. It changes it fully if you
allow it.
There is another love thatcomes as a tornado and leaves only
unfulfilled dreams and remains of your living behind.
There is love that you wait for days, weeks, months and years…and it
doesn't come, and is doomed to fail to exist.
There is love that is uncertain to pass by the threshold of present,
sometimes does it, and sometimes stays in futureforever. But there is
also this love, in which I truly believe and feel, which even if it
doesn't happen changes minds, demolishes walls, does miracles after
miracles. It can be very painful at times; it makes you gasp for
breath, sometimes leads you ahead, but sometimes is blind. Sometimes
kills you in order to revive or get rid of you forever.
This last love you can't look for, ignore, nor challenge. When it
happens you know it is the LOVE... your life starts in another
direction, everything changes, evenyou are different. Well, that is
the true love.
I never loved anybody tillnow, there was love, I can't deny. I had
everything I wanted, but that great feeling of love was missing.
As I already told you, six months ago I met the man I fell in love
with. The problem is that our feelings are not mutual, I haven't
received as muchfrom him, something thatwould make me love him,no,
love just came over me.
I can say I have plenty of problems with him; he had a girlfriend
before me, whom he was 4 yearswith, his first love. But hewas cheated
on and buried and found it difficult to deal with it all, that's why
he doesn't trust anybody now.
Sometimes he treats me real bad, he had humiliated me to an extend
where all I wanted was the earth to open up below and swallow me, in
order not to feel anything and if I may sleep my eternal sleep. I
would never forget my last St. Valentine's day with him. I was
watching all my friends happy with their loved ones and I was hoping
for an attention from him, but he hurt meagain as usual.
I would never forget howwe were home and a friend of mine came and
said – Happy St. Valentine's day – I smiled and thanked her and he
turned and said – Happy to all but not to us.
I knew it, I've always known it, he didn't keep it a secret from me,
he told me he can't return my feelings, but I felt so hurt and sad by
his attitude. He can say everything when we are alone, but it hurt to
hear it being said before a friend. He humiliated me once more.
On this Valentine's day I didn't receive anything, no present, not
even a nice word. He always talks about his ex-girlfriend – his first
love – what it was with her. This makes me so sadand tells me again
that he cannot love anymore; he is incapable of loving anyone like
her. Not to mention that he always leaves me on third place, after his
parents and friends.
Frequently he would be mad at someone else, no matter who, and would
come and take it out on me and we would fight and I would have to
suffer for someone else's mistake. If he had problems with someone
Iwas to blame.
And I always endure everything in the name of my love. He hurt me and
he still is hurting me,but I learnt how to accept things as they are.I
forgive him every time, but I get nothing in return. There were times
when we would argue and it is his entire fault, but in order to get
thingsback to normal I would admit it was my mistake, I would
apologize, when in reality there is nothingto apologize for.
I have always treated everyone well. I don't mean to say I am special,
but I would think before doing something that would hurt someone,
thisis so egoistical.
I don't know where I did wrong, but now when I met the man I fell in
love with, the man I breathe for and love… And he treats me so bad and
humiliates me so meanly. Whose mistakes am I redeeming, I don't
know,what I know is that I am destroying myself, and still I continue
doing it. I know today he is with me and tomorrow- he might be gone. I
don't want much of him, simplyto respect me, to be kind to me. This
much I need to be happy.
I have one more problem; I am not well with my nerves, I have a weak
nervous system. It all started with how much I was hurt in the past
and I continue to be.I am quite dependant on sedatives, I can't
functionwithout them. I cry, I suffer, it hurts, I am humiliated, I
drink my pills – that is what my lifeis. I wait every single day that
my love would remember I am there, he would be with me, I wait to see
his false smile or even a mean lie, but told by him, I wait to be
humiliated once more, but to be with him, I am so afraid to lose him.
It hurts me, but I am telling myself, it is once in a lifetime that a
person experiences this love, and it's worth it. Every sacrifice,
every possible or impossible price, every breath and every moment of
our fragile existence. Even if this love devastates our hearts
forever....

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