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Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Women Site, * Nurturing ourselves

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- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M. MD, IRI (Managing Director, Islamic Research Institution)

In our fast-paced lives, it is difficult to place a priority on nurturing ourselves. Women are particularly prone to ignoring their own needs and neglecting themselves as they give much of their time and energy to others.
Women are natural caretakers who instinctively focus on the well-being of other people. We tend to think that nurturing ourselves will not complete a project, care for a loved one, make money, or get dinner on the table. With work, home, and other responsibilities, nurturing ourselves often moves to the bottom of the to-do list, if it makes it to the list at all.
The meaning of nurture
Nurture means to take care of self, to give time to self, to nourish, to cherish and cultivate. Just as we nourish and feed our physical body, we also need to nourish others aspects of ourselves. Just as we cherish others, we need to cherish ourselves. The opposite would be to disregard, ignore, or neglect the self. Nurturance and nourishment of self is important for various reasons.
Why is it important to nurture ourselves?
The following story was once told:
“Suppose you were to come upon someone in the woods working feverishly to saw down a tree. ‘What are you doing?’ you ask. ‘Can’t you see?’ comes the impatient reply. ‘I’m sawing down this tree.’ ‘You look exhausted!’ you exclaim. ‘How long have you been at it?’ ‘Over 5 hours,’ he returns, ‘and I’m beat! This is hard work.’ ‘Well, why don’t you take a break for a few minutes and sharpen the saw?’ you inquire. ‘I’m sure it would go a lot faster.’ ‘I don’t have time to sharpen the saw the man says emphatically. ‘I’m too busy sawing!”
We are too busy working and taking care of others to nurture ourselves. Over time, this leads to depletion of our energy, patience, creativity and relationship skills. Over time, our saws become dull because we are too busy sawing away to take a break. We find that we have little to give to others because we have not taken the time to take care of ourselves.
The solution is to learn how to nurture ourselves so that we can refill the depleted energy, compassion, and kindness. Nurturing ourselves increases our chances of success in all of our relationships. It makes us happier, more fulfilled, and more effective in our lives.
Areas of nurturance
As humans, we need to nurture ourselves in the following areas: 1( physical, 2( psychological/emotional, 3( social, and 4( spiritual. This means that we need to find ways to fulfill ourselves in each of these aspects. Of course, these elements are interrelated and impact upon each other. Islam is a religion of balance, wholeness, and moderation. If we balance our lies in such a way as to take care of each of our needs, we will experience wholeness and serenity. We must also do this in a way that is moderate and conscientious.
Case analysis
To get an idea of what all of this means, read through the following cases and try to determine which area of nurturance is most needed in each case. In other words, in which aspect is there imbalance or lack of fulfillment? Focus on the weakest aspect in each case since more than one may be represented.
Case 1: Maysoon
Maysoon is a young mother of a 4- month old infant. She and her husband recently moved to the United Arab Emirates from America. The baby was born in the UAE. Maysoon’s husband works from 8:00 am until 6:00 pm each day and Maysoon is alone in the house during that time with the baby. She has no social contact and misses her family back home. She comes from a large family of 6 siblings. Lately, she has been feeling more and more depressed due to her situation. She cries often and feels that she has no desire to take care of the baby. She is not able to sleep at night and has no appetite. She wishes that they had never come to this country.
Case 2: Maryam
Maryam is the mother of three small children––Zakariyyah, age 4; Salma, age 2_; and Sumayyah, age 9 months. Since the birth of her first baby, Maryam has been concerned about her weight and figure. She gained 20 kilos with Zakariyyah, and although she lost some of it over time, others remained. With each pregnancy her weight only seemed to increase. She feels tired and sluggish much of the time and does not feel that she is able to fully give what she needs to her children. Her husband has also commented on her weight and tells her that she needs to get slim again like she was when she first married.
Case 3: Zainab
Zainab is a 35 year-old woman with 4 children and a full-time job as a teacher. Her work and home responsibilities take much of her time, but she somehow manages. Lately, Zainab has felt a spiritual distancing from Allaah. She does not feel that she has the time to strengthen her relationship with Him. Her salah is often completed hurriedly and she struggles to find sometime to read the Qur’an each day. Her desire is to study more about Islam so that she can acquire more knowledge. This would enable her to teach her children as well as the sisters in her community. She wishes to come closer to Allaah, but the demands of daily life seem to be in the way.
Case 4: Reema
Reema is an energetic, educated, and intelligent woman. She works full-time in a company as an accountant, but does not really enjoy her work. She has been with the company for almost 5 years. She also has a husband and two children—Yacoub, age 7 and Zainab, age 5. Although Reema is very resourceful, she struggles with balancing the demands of both work and home. Her time is spent go back and forth between these two demands. By the end of the
day, she feels emotionally drained and unfulfilled due to the stresses of her job. She feels that she has no emotional energy left to give to her family. She is concerned about how this will impact her children.
How do we nurtureourselves?
There is no right way or one perfect solution to nurturing the self. Nurturing is specific to each person and each season of life. It is personal and intimate. The ways that we are nurtured reflect our deepest wants and needs. We begin by asking ourselves, “What feels nurturing to me?” You can try to remember times in which you felt nurtured arid loved and create a list of those times )or places or people(. Spend time writing in a journal about what feels nurturing to you. To gather more ideas, ask friends what they do to nurture themselves. Gradually, accumulate a list of events, people, and things that feel nurturing.
To get some practice, go through each of the scenarios above and try to come up with ways that each of the women can nurture themselves. It may be a good idea to do this with a friend or group of friends. The outcome may surprise you.
The importance of spirituality
At the foundation of the human experience is spirituality. While all elements are important and we attempt to balance them, the aspect that cannot be eliminated or ignored is one’s relationship with the Creator. This will impact a person’s life more than any other aspect. The soul is at the center of the human being. Allaah Almighty Says what means:"Then He fashioned him in due proportion and breathed into him the soul )created by Allaah for that person( and made for you hearing and vision and hearts )i.e., intellect(; little are you grateful."]Quran 32: 9[
We also understand that our purpose in life is to worship Allaah Almighty. Allaah Says what means:“And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.”]Quran 51:56[. It is through this worship that we obtain the greatest fulfillment and nourishment because it brings us closer to our Source. We find peace and contentment simply in the remembrance of Allaah Almighty. Allaah Says what means:“Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allaah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allaah hearts are assured.”]Quran 3:28[
When we focus on nourishing our spirituality it will flow into the other areas of our life. The guidelines that are provided by the religion will become methods of nurturance themselves. Maintaining the ties of family is an example of nurturing the social aspect. Eating healthy food is part of taking care of the physical self. When we understand that the concept of worship in Islam is broad and includes any actions that are acceptable to Allaah and done for His sake, the matter becomes clear. In the end, we begin to realize that nurturance can be found in the hugs and care given to a child, in the completion of a project for work, or even in the cooking of a dinner meal. Remembrance of Allaah in all that we do will bring much of the nurturance that we need in this life.

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Engagment, - Dought & clear, - * Annulling engagement because of a dream

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- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M. MD, IRI (Managing Director, Islamic Research Institution)
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is it permissible to annul an engagement after two years because of the fiancé seeing a bad dream after praying istikhaarah?
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Praise be to Allah.
With regard to rulings and his understanding of life and circumstances, and his evaluation of the experiences he goes through, the Muslim bases all of that on the reasoning, wisdom and measures that Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, has enjoined us to pay attention to and follow. This is what Islam teaches us; it instructs us to examine, contemplate and weigh up reason and experience, then to make our decisions after that regarding people and actions.
Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Thus Allah makes clear His Ayat (Laws) to you, in order that you may understand”
[al-Baqarah 2:242].
There is nothing in our religion to suggest that we should rely on dreams and visions, either with regard to worldly matters or religious rulings. Knowledge that is obtained via dreams is subjective, is not reliable and there is no certainty about it. rather it is subject to doubt, and it is not possible that Islam would instruct people to refer for knowledge to sources that are imaginary and cannot meet the least academic standards.
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: Dreams are of three types: a good dream which is glad tidings from Allah, a dream from the Shaytaan which causes distress, and a dream that comes from what a man is thinking of to himself…”
Narrated by Muslim (2263).
the Shaytaan plays a role in what people see in their dreams, just as a person's own self does, and it is difficult for one to be certain of the source of his dream at all times. So how can a Muslim feel comfortable with a dream that he has seen and base his decisions on it, when he knows that the Shaytaan may have played the greatest role in producing it?
That also applies to the case of marriage. The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) has set out for us the characteristics on which we should base our decision of accepting or rejecting a suitor, as he said:
“If there comes to you one with whose character and religious commitment you are pleased, then marry (your female relative under your guardianship) to him, for if you do not do so, there will be tribulation and great mischief on earth.” They said: O Messenger of Allah, even if there are some reservations concerning him?? He said: “If there comes to you one with whose character and religious commitment you are pleased, then marry (your female relative under your guardianship) to him,” three times Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (1085); he said: It is hasan ghareeb. Classed as hasan by al-Albaani inSaheeh al-Tirmidhi.
So he defined character and religious commitment as the standards on which people should base their decisions when rejecting or accepting a suitor. Hence the questioner should not pay attention to anything else or respond to whatever she sees in her dreams of things in which the Shaytaan may have played a part, seeking to divide spouses and cause division and conflict.
Shaykh Ibn 'Uthaymeen (may Allah have mercy on him) was asked the following question inLiqa' al-Baab al-Maftooh(no. 5/question no. 17):
A man proposed marriage to a woman, and in a dream she saw him clean-shaven. Should she agree to marry him or not? In real life he appears to be good, and he does not shave his beard; he is religiously-committed, but Allah knows best about him.
He (may Allah have mercy on him) replied:
If a woman sees a man who has proposed to her as clean-shaven in a dream, when in reality he does not shave his beard, what she sees in her dream does not matter, and that should not prevent her from marrying him, so long as he is upright in his religious commitment and character. End quote.
Moreover, we should point out that istikhaarah has nothing to do with seeing dreams – as many people think – because the purpose of istikhaarah is to ask Allah, may He be exalted, to make easier the better of two options, and turning to Him, may He be glorified, for guidance to the best of affairs. Istikhaarah is a du'aa' (supplication) and when Allah answers it, He makes easy the thing that the person has chosen, after thinking and reflecting. The du'aa' has nothing whatsoever to do with dreams.
Our advice to the sister is to think again, and not try to ruin her marital ties just because of a dream. Rather she should let religion and reason govern the issue of her engagement, then take an appropriate stance after that.
And Allah knows best.





















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