Family Issues, - Guidance for the Muslim Wife - Complete book. (Part 4)

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ETIQUETTE OF A GATHERING
Good manners and habits are the best jewels. Whichever woman adorns herself with them will be regarded as the most beloved by all. Whoever you meet, meet them with respect and speak gently. Do not clean your nose in the presence of others. If the need arises, move away from there. If you want to yawn or sneeze, place your hand over your mouth and lower your voice. Do not crack your fingers nor look at someone every now and then unnecessarily. Remain sitting in your place with respect. Do not speak too much nor take an oath for trivial things. Whenever possible do not begin speaking. When someone else speaks, listen attentively so as not to hurt their feelings. However, do not listen if it is something sinful. It will be better to prevent her, or to move away from there. Until a person has finished speaking, do not interrupt. When someone arrives and there is no place in the gathering, move slightly from your place. Sit close together so that there is sufficient place. When meeting someone or departing greet with Assalamu-Alaikum and in answer say Waalaikumus-Salaam. Avoid using words like "hello" and "bye" which are in vogue nowadays.
THE ETIQUETTE WITH THE HUSBAND'S FAMILY
Understand from the outset that noble girls arrive in the bridal car and depart in the funeral bier, i.e. they love the in-laws. To achieve this you have to consider these factors: Respect your mother-in-law in all conditions as you respect your own mother. Always give preference to her pleasure whether you are in difficulty or ease. Do not say something that may distress or displease her. When addressing her, use words that are used for elders. If she admonishes you, heed her advice with silence. Do not back- answer her even though it is something unpleasant and bitter. Serve her as you would serve your mother. If she assigns a task to someone else, go ahead and do it yourself.
Respect your father-in-law as your own father. The same etiquette applies to your father-in-law as we have explained above with regards to the mother-in-law. As far as possible try and comfort him and serve him. If you intend going to some function, take the husband's or father-in-law's or mother-in-law's permission. Proceed only if permission is granted. Treat your husband's brothers wives and his sisters like your own sisters. If they are young treat them like your young sisters, because they will treat you as you treat them. Be patient if the sisters-in-law annoy you. In exchange of harsh treatment react with kindness. Do not mention anyone's faults to others nor speak ill of anyone in his/her absence as this is backbiting which is a major sin. Back-biting is the cause of grief and mutual quarrels. Some women say that we are not lying because this fault is found in that person. Remember that ghibat (backbiting) is to mention someones faults behind his back and if that fault is not in him, it constitutes slander, which is a more serious crime than back-biting. Regarding back-biting there is an incident of a woman who kept on back-biting while she was fasting. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam did not permit her to break her fast saying that she is not fasting (in reality). When she was ordered to vomit by Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, a clot of blood fell from her mouth. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam remarked that she had been back-biting all day long and drinking the blood of people.
Treat the children of your father-in-law or those related to him with extreme compassion. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: "The person who does not respect the elders nor treats the young with kindness is not of us". As far as possible treat children kindly and elders with respect according to their status. If there is a maid in the house, do not burden her with tasks beyond her ability. If a certain task is difficult assist her with it. Do not speak harshly to her. If she is ill or in some difficulty, help and serve her.

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Family Issues, - Guidance for the Muslim Wife - Complete book. (Part 3)

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THE UPBRINGING OF CHILDREN
The nature of children is like a plain paper. Whatever is imprinted on it initially will remain forever. Therefore it is important to create good images on this clean and pure page. Whatever habit, good or evil is inculcated in childhood remains for life. Hereunder a few points relating to the upbringing of children will be mentioned.
1. The first nourishment of a child is the mother's milk. She should partake of halaal and pure food so that the milk which is formed from it is pure. Milk has a great effect on the life of children.
2. Muslim children have to carry the banner of bravery during their lives. They should be taught to be courageous. Women have a habit of frightening children, sometimes from the police and sometimes from some other fearful thing. This is an abominable habit and creates cowardice.
3. Just as a weak plant rots due to excessive water, so are children spoilt when given excessive food and at improper times. Appoint a time for feeding the child so that he remains healthy. Do not overfeed him.
4. Do not decorate them excessively. Yes, do consider their cleanliness and bathe them daily in summer.
5. Do not inculcate a habit in boys of wearing expensive clothing and in girls of wearing jewellery, etc. from the beginning. It is not a commendable habit of having vanity and pride from childhood.
6. Children are covetous by nature. Therefore make an attempt to discard this habit of theirs by teaching them to give food, clothing, money etc. to the poor. In the same manner teach them to distribute food etc. to their brothers and sisters in order to learn the habit of generosity.
7. Children can learn well by means of examples. Explain the evils of eating excessively to them, but do not mention anyone's name.
8. Do not give children so much that they develop the habit of asking nor frustrate them so much that they lose hope. Do not fulfil all their wishes as this spoils their nature.
9. Friends have a great effect. Keep your children away from those who have evil habits, or escape from studies or are used to ceremonious food and clothing.
10. Anger, speaking lies, to be envious of others, stealing, back-biting, defending ones statement, to speak of futile things excessively, to laugh unnecessarily and to deceive are all dangerous characteristics. If the child commits any of them, admonish him immediately.
11. Just as a child is spoilt by impoliteness similarly is he spoilt by excessive affection and love. If he breaks anything or hits someone, punish him accordingly so that he does not repeat the act. If love and affection is shown at such an occasion, it will permanently spoil the child.
12. Encourage acts of piety and inculcate the habit of salaah from the age of seven.
13. When the child is capable of going to Madrasah, make him first learn the Quran. Do not let him abscond.
14. Occasionaly read the stories of the pious to him.
15. Books that besmirch the character are very common. Do not allow him to read books that contain love stories, subject matter that is contrary to the shariat or useless stories and poems etc. Instead, teach him to read books of deen and good morals.
16. Moderation is praiseworthy in every act. Do not bind him to studies all the time. When he returns from madressa, permit him to play for a while so that he becomes active, but the entertainment should not be spiritually or physically harmful.
17. Besides deeni (religious) education, also teach him a trade or profession. Learning a skill will enable him to earn at the time of need and difficulty and support himself and his family.
18. Educate girls, the minimum being such that they can write letters and be able to calculate the expenses of the house.
19. Inculcate in children the habit of doing their work themselves.
20. Remember that when a child does a praiseworthy act he should be congratulated and shown love, in fact he should be rewarded as an encouragement. When he commits a wrong act, he should be reprimanded in privacy and warned not to repeat the crime. If he repeats the act, punish him accordingly.
21. Teach them to respect elders in general and the fathers in particular. The mother should make the child fear the father so that he is respected.
22. Do not allow the child to do any act in secret, whether it is playing, eating, or any other work. Remember that if he does anything in secret he regards it as unlawful. If it is something wrong he should be taught to forget such a habit and if it is good like eating or drinking, he should be taught not to hide and do things suspiciously.
23. Teach the child to do menial tasks and to exercise for physical well-being e.g. calisthenics or walking for a kilometer.
24. Another way of pleasing the child is to give him a few cents occasionally so that he spends them according to his desire, but ensure that he does not buy something without your knowledge nor anything harmful.
25. Remind the child as often as possible of the following etiquettes when partaking of meals:
To begin by saying Bismillah, to eat with the right- hand, to eat from directly in front of himself, not to stare at the food as greedy people do, not to eat hastily, to chew the food properly, not to take another morsel before swallowing the first one, to take the morsel properly so that gravy does not spill onto the clothing and the fingers do not mess unnecessarily, not to move the face when chewing a morsel, not to be bare-headed whilst eating, to wash the hands before and after meals, to drink water with the right hand and in 3 breaths and to praise Allah after eating.

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Family Issues, - Guidance for the Muslim Wife - Complete book. (Part 2)

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SOCIAL CONDUCT
There are two guardians appointed for every home : the man and the woman. For the upkeeping of the home it cannot be said that one has less responsibility than the other. The responsibility of each one can be realised from the following points:
1. The gale that has blown from Europe today concerning the equality of men and women has ruined many Muslim homes. Both have their separate limits within which they must pass their lives. If these limits cease to exist, the home becomes an example of hell as is the occurrence in Europe. Those people who are inviting women to this destruction in the veil of good advice are not helpers of women but great enemies.
2. The relationship between husband and wife has to be endured throughout their entire lives.
If both their hearts are united, there can be no greater bounty, and if there is some difference between them, (may Allah forbid) there can be no greater calamity. As far as possible obey your husband. Bear the little difficulties of this world to achieve the bounties of the hereafter.
3. The tongue is a means of disgrace and honour for a human. Great virtue can be derived if it is protected. Some women utter certain statements due to lack of understanding and without contemplation. These can offend their husbands. They utter statements at unsuitable occasions, accuse or say something enraging in their anger which can hurt the man's feelings. This could have disastrous consequences. Remember well that once a man's heart has been injured due to some statement you made and you console and please him after a few days, then too the situation will not be as before. You can make a thousand excuses and apologize, but the love will not be as it was before. The human memory is very strong in remembering a past misery. It will continue to haunt his memory.
4. Women are said to be the garments of men. Just as a garment remains with a person during hot and cold weather, so should the husband and wife live together. Do not ask for more than what the husband can afford. Be satisfied with whatever you get even if it be bread. Do not look at a woman whose status is higher and become greedy. On the contrary, look at one who is lower than you and be thankful and patient. If at any time you like some jewellery or clothing and the husband cannot afford it, do not ask him for it nor grieve or express regret at not having it; in fact do not even mention it.
5. A woman should conceal her husband's secrets. If she is experiencing a difficult time she should not reveal this to anyone. She should always express joy so that the husband is not grieved. In this manner she will win him over and her respect will increase in his sight.
6. Also remember that if he brings anything for you, always express happiness whether you like the present or not. Do not criticize the present, for that will hurt his feelings and he will never want to bring anything for you, but if you praise it and take it happily it will please him and he will bring something better the next time. Do not be ungrateful to your husband because the one who is ungrateful to any person is ungrateful to Allah. This is the reason why more women will go to hell as mentioned in a hadeeth. Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said "I saw many women in hell." Someone asked: "O Prophet of Allah, why are there going to be more women in hell?" Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said " They curse others excessively and are very ungrateful to their husbands". From this, one can gather how sinful it is to be ungrateful to a husband.
7. A successful wife is one that recognizes the husband's nature. You should try and understand his temperament. If he is angry, do not utter something that will increase his anger. Always watch his mood before speaking. If he responds to jokes by expressing happiness then continue doing so, otherwise not. If he is displeased with you, do not sit with a sullen face. Instead plead with him for forgiveness and try to win him over whether it is your fault or not. This will result in his love increasing for you.
8. There are many etiquettes of love without which the claim to love is baseless. Understand well that the relationship between husband and wife cannot arise from a hollow love. With love the respect of the husband is also essential. It is totally wrong to regard the husband's status as your own.
9. The husband's status is more than your father's. Therefore do not ask him to serve you in any manner. If he, out of love begins serving you, do not let him do so. Ask yourself if your father were to do the same would you allow it?
10. Some women first search their husband's pockets when they return from a journey and ask them how much money and how many goods they have brought not realizing that the greatest treasure is the husband himself who has returned safely. Why not be happy and thankful for that? When the husband returns from a journey inquire about his health, his stay and if he experienced any difficulties. Firstly ask him if he is hungry so that you can feed him. When he lies down after having meals, massage his hands and feet. Fan him if it is hot. In short, make him as comfortable as possible.
11. The rights of the husband's parents are very great. When their rights over your husband are so great that without obeying them he cannot be forgiven, then what is your position? You have been commanded to obey your husband and he has been commanded to obey his parents. From this you can gauge how great their rights are upon you. The husband's other relatives also have rights upon you according to their stages.
12. Whatever impression you make in the beginning will be always remembered. From the outset have respect for the elders and mercy for the young. Do not leave any of your work for others nor let your possessions lie around.
13. You may have read the condition of Rasulullah's daughter who used to grind wheat on the mill-stone. Who is a greater princess than her? Therefore do not shy away from any hard work. Do not be hesitant in doing what your mother-in-law and sisters-in-law do. Do it yourself without them telling you. In this way the in-law's love for you will increase.
14. Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam has regarded an eavesdropper as a very evil person. Therefore if two persons are speaking softly to each other, separate from them and do not try to find out what they were speaking about. Also do not unnecessarily feel that they were speaking about you as this creates hatred in the heart which wipes out all good deeds.
15. Regard your husband's house as the centre of your hopes. Do not live with dissatisfaction even though the new home and new people cause uneasiness.
16. Every action of yours will be scrutinized. Therefore inculcate a habit of being moderate. Be careful when conversing. Do not chatter too much because it is an evil habit nor be so quiet because this is regarded as pride.
17. If you dislike something at the in-laws, do not backbite about it at home. To inform your mother of every minor thing about your in-laws and for the mother to find out about them is an extremely abominable act. It leads to mutual arguments and disputes and eventually leads to separation.
18. The adage "a slovenly woman's home is in darkness" is famous. Never be negligent in cleanliness. Keep the husband's possessions neat and tidy. Also keep the room clean. You should do all the work yourself. Safeguard all your belongings. Fold the clothes and keep them away. Do not make excuses in doing any task, nor lie because it removes trust and even when the truth is spoken there won't be certainty.
19. The love between husband and wife offends Shaytaan the most. He plans to sow hatred between them, causes doubt and suspicion. Bear this in mind and do not slander on minor doubts, for instance by saying: you joke too much with so and so (female), or you go there very often, or you always sit there. If the husband is innocent you can imagine how hurt he will feel. Added to this is the sin of the hereafter. Even if he has such an evil habit, it will not be remedied in this manner. To do this you will have to use wisdom. Discuss the matter with him in secret. If this method fails to make him realize the evil of the habit, be patient. Do not go around telling everyone and disgracing him. Do not become stern and harsh in order to suppress him as this will only make him adamant and you will eventually suffer. Remember that the simplest way of making him submit is to be loyal and obedient. To express anger and become enraged is a grave mistake and shows lack of intellect.
20. There are many instances to be found where a woman's gentleness and patience have changed the man. If the husband is so wicked that he reaches the extremes in oppressing her, then Allah Ta'ala has destroyed him. Women should not become impatient under any circumstances.

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Hajj & Umrah, - Encouragement to Perform Hajj - I

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O people, fear Allaah The Almighty and perform the obligations that Allaah The Almighty has enjoined upon you, one of the most important among which is performingHajjto His House whenever you can afford to do so. Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And ]due[ to Allaah from the people is a pilgrimage to the House - for whoever is able to find thereto a way. But whoever disbelieves - then indeed, Allaah is free from need of the Worlds.{]Quran 3:97[
The Prophet,, said:"Islam is to testify that none has the right to be worshipped but Allaah, and that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allaah; to observe prayer, pay Zakaah, observe fasting of Ramadan and perform Hajj of the House, provided you have the resources to make the journey to it."The Prophet,, told us that Islam is built on these five deeds, which means that the Islam of a person will not be complete or stand firm until he performsHajj.
‘Umar ibn Al-Khattabsaid,"I was about to send men to these regions to see who should pay Jizyah )meaning the rich people( who have not performed Hajj and to take Jizyah from them. They are not Muslims, they are not Muslims."The obligation ofHajjis established by the Quran, theSunnah)Prophetic tradition( of the Messenger of Allaah,, and the absolute consensus of Muslims. So, whoever denies the obligation ofHajjhas disbelieved, and whoever acknowledges it but abandons it out of negligence is at great risk.
Allaah The Almighty, after mentioning its obligation on people, Says )what means(:}But whoever disbelieves - then indeed, Allaah is free from need of the Worlds.{]Quran 3:97[ This is the reason why some scholars say that a person who can performHajjand does not do it is a disbeliever and an apostate from Islam although the majority of scholars hold otherwise, and this is the preponderant opinion. If a Muslim abandonsHajjwhile he is able to perform it, he is at great risk.
Dear Muslims, how can a believer leaveHajjwhile he is financially and physically able to perform it, knowing that it is one of the duties and chief acts of worship of Islam? How can he withhold money in order not to perform this duty while he spends a lot of money in what his soul desires? How can he spare himself the hardship involved inHajjwhereas he exhausts himself in pursuing his worldly affairs? How does he find the obligation ofHajjheavy although it is not obligatory except once in man's life? Why does he delay performing it, when he knows not whether he will have access to it again? So, fear Allaah, O slaves of Allaah, and performHajjthat Allaah has enjoined upon you as an act of worship to Him and an act of accepting His rule and obeying His order if you are believers. Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}It is not for a believing man or a believing woman, when Allaah and His Messenger have decided a matter, that they should ]thereafter[ have any choice about their affair. And whoever disobeys Allaah and His Messenger has certainly strayed into clear error.{]Quran 33:36[
O Muslims, when the believer performsHajjand‘Umrahonce after reaching the age of puberty, he has discharged himself of the obligation and completed one of the main obligations of Islam. After that, he is not required to performHajjor‘Umrahunless he vows to do so. Whoever vows to performHajjor‘Umrahmust fulfill his vow, because the Prophet,, said:"Whoever vows to obey Allaah, let him obey Him."
O Muslims, it is the very mercy of Allaah The Almighty and His profound wisdom that He has set limitations and conditions for the religious obligations so that they would be regulated and that responsibility can be defined. He made such limitations and conditions in a very appropriate manner including the time, the place and the person who should do the act.Hajjis one of these obligations. It has its limits and conditions that should be met before it becomes obligatory on the Muslim. These conditions include attaining the age of puberty.Hajjis not obligatory for Muslims who have not reached the age of maturity. The age of puberty in males occurs with one of three signs: the discharge of semen, the attainment of fifteen years or the growth of pubic hair. In females, puberty occurs with these three signs, in addition to a fourth one, which is menstruation.
Hajjis not obligatory on a Muslim who has not reached puberty, even if he is rich; but if he performsHajj, it would be valid voluntaryHajjfor which he is rewarded. When he reaches puberty, he must perform the obligatoryHajjbecause hisHajjbefore puberty does not discharge him of the obligation.Hajjdoes not become obligatory before the age of puberty; it is as if he gives away some money with the intention of payingZakaahbefore he owns the minimum amount on whichZakaahbecomes obligatory. Therefore, if a Muslim performsHajjwith his young sons and daughters, he would be rewarded and the children would have the reward ofHajj. If they did not performHajj, there would be no blame on them.
The opinion of Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih Al-Uthaymeenis that today, due to conditions like overcrowding and other hardship, a person should not take his young children to performHajjwith him. He should not allow them to enter the state ofIhraamforHajjor‘Umrahbecause of the hardship that he and they will undergo. Allaah The Almighty loves and wants to make matters easy for His slaves; He does not want to place hardship on them. If the matter is easy, the schedule is flexible, and people are few in Makkah, it would be fitting to take children along to performHajj. However, in times of congestion and seasons ofHajjand the days ofRamadan, young children should not be taken forHajjbecause of the hardship on them and on their parents as well.
In theSunnah, a woman asked the Prophet,, when she raised a young boy saying, "Is there Hajj for that boy?"He said:"Yes, and you will receive reward."There is no record in theSunnahthat the Prophet,, ever ordered his Companions to let their young children enter the state ofIhraam, but he approved of it.
Another condition ofHajjis that the Muslim is financially and physically able because Allaah The Almighty laid this condition for the obligation ofHajjSaying )what means(:}for whoever is able to find thereto a way.{]Quran 3:97[Hajjis not obligatory on the Muslim who is not able. Being financially able means that the Muslim owns enough money forHajjwhich is over and above the needs of his home and what he needs of provisions and clothing for him and his dependants, rental accommodation and settling immediate debts. If a person has money that he needs for what has been mentioned, he is not obliged to performHajj. Whoever owes an immediate debt, is not required to performHajjuntil he has paid it off.
Debt in this context includes loans, the price of a commodity, rent and others. The person who owes one dirham that must be settled now is considered an indebted person on whomHajjis not obligatory until he is discharged of it by paying it off or by forfeiting it. Settlement of debts is very serious in the sense that if a man is killed in the cause of Allaah The Almighty as a martyr, martyrdom remits everything except the debt. Also, if the indebted man dies, his soul is suspended by that debt until it is settled, as it was narrated from the Prophet,. Even when a man was brought to the Prophet,, to offer his funeral prayer, he would ask if the deceased was in debt. If they said that he has a debt that will not be settled, the Prophet,, would go back and not pray for him, saying,"You offer the funeral prayer of your companion."
It is amazing that some people today take the issue of debt lightly and borrow a lot of money without necessity or need at a time when the heirs no longer care for the debt of the deceased and do not pay it off immediately. Sometimes the deceased is heavily indebted and has real estate, but the heirs wait until this real estate commands higher prices. The heirs are indifferent to the deceased, who is more entitled to his money than them. Thus, it is not permissible for an heir to take one dirham until the debt of the deceased is paid off. As for deferred debts, if it is documented by mortgage enough to cover it, the obligation ofHajjis not waived. So, if the Muslim owes a debt for which he gave a mortgage that covers the debt and he has money and is able to performHajjprovided that the debt is deferred,Hajjbecomes obligatory because he is able to afford it. However, if the deferred debt is not documented by a mortgage that covers it,Hajjis not obligatory upon him until he pays

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