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Women site, - Criteria for Choosing a Spouse

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Religion
Among the many criteria in selecting a life partner, the foremost is religion. Islam has established the importance of choosing a religious wife for it is faith which protects a woman from committing anything that is prohibited. A religious woman always keeps away from whatever enrages Allaah The Almighty or dishonors her husband. On the other hand, a corrupt woman, particularly one who takes extreme pride in her beauty and wealth, does not adhere to the teachings of Islam and is certainly prone to the devil’s insinuations, who may trick her into not adequately safeguarding her chastity or honor. Hence, Islam urges men to prefer the religious woman and be meticulous in their search for her in every Muslim household.
The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, pointed out the decisive factors on which basis people choose a wife and guided us to what the best is in that regard, when he said:“A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her noble ancestry, her beauty and her religion. So win the religious woman; )otherwise( you will be a loser.”]Al-Bukhaari[ This stresses that if we overlook the religious aspect and pursue only attractiveness, riches or noble lineage, we would lose out, indicating we did not aim high enough.
The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, even commanded us, saying:“Do not marry women for their good looks, as their beauty might destroy them; and do not marry them for their wealth as their riches might lead them to be overbearing. Marry them for their religion; and a black and unattractive maid who is religious, is better ]than them both[.”]Ibn Maajah[ Islam has not set a criterion that decides a beauty queen, for even all men have not collectively agreed on the beauty of a single woman. It has, however, stated that beauty in a wife is indeed in the eye of her beholder husband. Hence, one must not merely focus on a woman’s looks, affluence or family, at the expense of religion; indeed, as someone once said, beauty with an evil soul is like a lantern on a Magi’s grave.
However, if a pious woman also possesses good looks, wealth or a noble lineage, then that is the most preferable, but even in that, religion must be the decisive factor.
Our righteous predecessors were keen on selecting religious wives, regardless of their looks and social or financial status. The Commander of the Believers, ‘Umar ibn Al-Khattaab, may Allaah be pleased with him, was once so impressed by the pious daughter of a woman who was a milk vendor, that he recommended his son ‘Aasim, may Allaah be pleased with him, to marry her. According to reliable historians, ‘Umar, may Allaah be pleased with him, mentioned that had he wanted to marry someone himself, it would have been her, as Imaam Ibn Al-Jawzi, may Allaah have mercy upon him, narrates:“Ibn Zayd narrated on the authority of the grandfather of Aslam that he said, ‘Once I went with ‘Umar, may Allaah be pleased with him, while he was on one of his night walks in Madeenah. He felt tired, so he leaned against a wall and heard a woman telling her daughter to mix the milk with water before selling it. The daughter told her that ‘Umar, the Commander of the believers, forbade that, but the mother insisted, saying that she was in a place where ‘Umar and his deputy could not see her. However, the girl said, ‘]I swear[ by Allaah, I will not obey him publicly and disobey him secretly.’ The Commander of the Believers, meanwhile, was hearing all this; he then looked at me and instructed: ‘O Aslam, mark this door.’’ He continued on in his walk and in the morning, he called me, and said, “O Aslam! Go to the house that you marked and find out who the speakers were and see if there is a man ]in the house[.” I went there and discovered that they were an unmarried girl and her mother, and that they lived together without anyone else. I returned and told ‘Umar, may Allaah be pleased with him. He called his sons and said to them, “Does any of you need a wife? Had your father been capable of getting married, he would have hastened to marry this woman. I wish that one of you would marry her.’ So, ‘Aasim said, “O father! As you know, I have no wife, so ]I believe[ I am more entitled to marry her.” ‘Umar sent someone to propose to the milk seller’s daughter on behalf of his son and the two soon married. The young woman gave birth to a daughter who later married ‘Abdul-‘Azeez ibn Marawaan; and this girl gave birth to the fifth Rightly-Guided Caliph, ‘Umar ibn ‘Abdul-‘Azeez, may Allaah have mercy upon him.”
Hence, the fruit of this noble marriage was the birth of a Caliph, who was unprecedented in his justice and asceticism, and in popularity among his subjects.
As for the particular characteristics of a righteous marriage prospect, the best of mankind, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said, in a Hadeeth on the authority of Ibn ‘Abbaas, may Allaah be pleased with him:“Would you like me to tell you about the best treasure a man could have? ]She is[ a righteous woman, who pleases him when he looks at her, preserves his honor when he is away from her and acts in accordance with what he asks of her.”In another Hadeeth on the authority of Abu Umaamah, may Allaah be pleased with him, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“The best that benefits a believer, after ]possessing[ the fear of Allaah The Almighty, is a pious wife who minds what he bids her, pleases him when he looks at her, helps him fulfill his oath and protects her chastity and his property in his absence.”]Ibn Maajah[
Such a righteous, religious woman certainly exists. If the father head of the household is pious himself, his daughters will be chaste and religious, too.
Morals
The second criterion in selecting a wife, which is closely tied to the first, is that she must possess good morals. Indeed, a truly religious woman would have a good character, as her faith would prevent her from evil in speech, whether through hurtful words or gossip, and actions. Having good morals is a basic characteristic when in looking for a wife, as the wise man Luqmaan rightly advised his son:“O son! Seek refuge with Allaah The Almighty from an immoral woman, as she would age you before your time. O son! Ask Allaah The Almighty to protect you from the evil of women and to grant you the best of them. Endeavor to find a righteous woman, so you can be happy for life.”
Virginity
While not a requirement per se, Islam urges a Muslim to marry a virgin only because men naturally prefer a woman who has never been with anyone else before. Knowing their nature, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, asked Jaabir ibn ‘Abdullaah, may Allaah be pleased with him, after his marriage to a non-virgin woman:“Why did you not marry a virgin who would play with you and you would play with her?”Jaabir, may Allaah be pleased with him, told the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, that it was only because his father had died and left his young sisters in his care, and that an older, mature woman would be more capable of taking care of the house. There is no doubt that a bride who is a virgin devotes all her love to the one man who chose her from among countless women; and indeed, the first love is true love. Also, since a virgin does not have experience with men, she will devote all her affection to the only man who married her.
Fertility
Once again, as a matter of a better )and not only( choice, Islam urges the Muslim to marry fertile women, who are free from any disease that prevents pregnancy, as may be determined by pre-marital checkups and through consultation with specialist doctors. Further, if a potential bride’s mother, relatives and married sisters have children, then, it is most likely that she is genetically predisposed to bearing offspring, as well.
The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, forbade Muslims from celibacy and ordered them to look for fertile women as spouses, saying:“Marry affectionate and fertile women, as I will be proud of your great number, among the Prophets on the Day of Judgment.”]Abu Daawood and An-Nasaa’i[ In another instance, a man came to the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, seeking his advice on whether he should marry a woman who is beautiful but infertile. The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“No.”Then, he came to ask the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, a second time, and he forbade him again. After he came a third time, he,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said,“Marry the affectionate and fertile women as I shall outnumber people by you )on the Day of Judgment(.”]Abu Daawood and An-Nasaa’i[
Closeness in culture and age
Homogeneity in marriage, according to Islamic jurisprudence, is in choosing a wife that is close to the man in age, culture and family background. This is because due to similar standards, the harmony of marital life may be maintained in a like-minded couple.
However, scholars have different opinions in this regard; some of them say that this is necessary, basing their stance on some Hadeeth of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, such as the one where he said:“Choose for your semen )i.e., children(; marry suitable people ]to each other[ and get married to suitable partners.”]Ibn Maajah[
However, some scholars disagree, saying this cannot stand as proof, as all Muslims are competent for each other. There are Hadeeths that support this opinion, such as the one narrated by Al-Bukhaari, may Allaah have mercy upon him, in which Sahl, may Allaah be pleased with him, relates that the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallamasked them about a man that passed by them. The people said:“He is worthy of being accepted when he proposes for marriage, of his intercession being given consideration and being listened to when he speaks.” After that, one of the poor Muslims passed by them and the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, asked them about him, whereupon they remarked: “He is not worthy of being accepted when he proposes or intercedes, or of being listened to when he speaks.” The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, then stated:“The latter is better than many men like the former”, apparently on the basis of his religion and morals.

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Women site, - A Hidden Treasure: An Insightful and Bashful Wife

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Ibn Mas‘ood, may Allaah be pleased with him, said,“The most insightful of people were three persons: the companion of Yoosuf )Joseph(, may Allaah exalt his mention, when he said to his wife:}Make his residence comfortable.{]Quran 12:21[;the wife of Moosa )Moses(, may Allaah exalt his mention, when she said:}O my father, hire him.{]Quran 28:26[;and Abu Bakr, may Allaah be pleased with him, when he assigned ‘Umar, may Allaah be pleased with him, as his successor.”
What made Moosa, may Allaah exalt his mention, move from Egypt to Madyan in the south of Palestine to marry the daughter of the righteous man and to look after his sheep for ten years?
Moosa, may Allaah exalt his mention, lived in Egypt, and one day while he was walking down a street, he saw two men fighting each other -- one of them was from his own people, namely the Children of Israel; and the other belonged to the family of Pharaoh. The Egyptian man wanted to force the Israeli man to do some work for him. As the latter sought help from Moosa, he )Moosa(, may Allaah exalt his mention, pushed the Egyptian man who died on the spot. Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And he entered the city at a time of inattention by its people and found therein two men fighting: one from his faction and one from among his enemy. And the one from his faction called for help to him against the one from his enemy, so Moosa )Moses( struck him and ]unintentionally[ killed him. ]Moses[ said, “This is from the work of Satan. Indeed, he is a manifest, misleading enemy.”{]Quran 28:15[
On the following day, the Israeli man quarreled with another man and sought help from Moosa, may Allaah exalt his mention, once again, who said to him,“Indeed, you are a persistent deviator.”Therefore, the man from Bani Israa'eel feared him and disclosed the secret by saying,“Do you intend to kill me as you killed a man yesterday?”Thus, Pharaoh and his soldiers knew that it was Moosa, may Allaah exalt his mention, who had killed the Egyptian man. However, a man came from the farthest end of the city and warned Moosa, may Allaah exalt his mention, who left Egypt immediately and invoked forgiveness from Allaah The Almighty, saying,}“My Lord, indeed I have wronged myself, so forgive me,” and He forgave him. Indeed, He is The Forgiving, The Merciful.{]Quran 28:16[
Moosa, may Allaah exalt his mention, left Egypt and moved from one place to another until he arrived at Madyan in the south of Palestine. He sat next to a well and saw something that did not appeal to him. While the shepherds were busy watering their cattle from the well, two women stood nearby and were prevented from approaching the well with their sheep, since they were too shy to join the throng of men. Moosa, may Allaah exalt his mention, was impressed by the scene, for he thought that the two women should have been allowed to water their sheep first, given access and helped by the men.
Hence, he went over to the spot and asked them what the matter was, and they told him that they could not water their sheep until the men had finished watering their cattle first. They said their father was so old that he could not water the sheep himself. With the chivalry that is expected on the part of righteous men, Moosa, may Allaah exalt his mention, stepped forward and joined the crowd of shepherds to water the women’s sheep for them. Then he moved to seek shelter under a shady tree and privately addressed his Lord,}“My Lord, indeed I am, for whatever good You would send down to me, in need.”{]Quran 28:24[
The two young women returned to their father, who was amazed at their speedy return, since they used to stay for a long time to water their sheep. When he asked them how they had come back so quickly, they told him the story of the strong man who had watered the sheep for them and did them that favor without knowing who they were or charging them a wage for his service; doing so out of chivalry and graciousness.
The father asked one of his daughters to summon that man. Hence, one of them went to him, walking shyly, to convey to him the invitation of her father,}Indeed, my father invites you that he may reward you for having watered for us.{]Quran 28:25[Moosa, may Allaah exalt his mention, accepted the invitation and when he reached the old man and narrated his story to him, the old man reassured him by saying,}Fear not. You have escaped from the wrongdoing people.{]Quran 28:25[
At which time, one of the two young women, driven by her good insight and sound disposition, proposed to her father something that was useful for them and for Moosa, may Allaah exalt his mention, by saying,}O my father, hire him. Indeed, the best one you can hire is the strong and the trustworthy.{]Quran 28:26[She and her sister had to do a tiresome job grazing the sheep, and they sought concealment by avoiding strange men in pastures and over the well, for women who have chaste souls are not pleased with gathering with men. Also, Moosa, may Allaah exalt his mention, was powerful and honest enough to be qualified to undertake the task. The young woman offered her point of view with full clarity, fearing nothing, for she was innocent in the spirit and delicate in her senses.
The old man was convinced of the reasons that his daughter provided regarding the suitability of Moosa, may Allaah exalt his mention, to work for them and to become related to the man through marriage, so he said to him,}“Indeed, I wish to wed you one of these, my two daughters, on ]the condition[ that you serve me for eight years; but if you complete ten, it will be ]as a favor[ from you. And I do not wish to put you in difficulty. You will find me, if Allaah wills, from among the righteous.” Moosa ]Moses[ said, “That is ]established[ between me and you. Whichever of the two terms I complete, there is no injustice to me, and Allaah, over what we say, is witness.”{]Quran 28:27-28[
When Moosa, may Allaah exalt his mention, fulfilled the term by having worked ten years for his father-in-law, he wanted to leave to Egypt, and the old man agreed to that and wished him the best. Hence, he left with his wife and took with him the sheep that the old man gave him, and walked from Madyan to Egypt.
Thus, Moosa’s wife, may Allaah be pleased with her, was a good example of a believer who was insightful and bashful and a role model in choosing an honest and chaste husband.

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Women site, - Obeying the Husband is the Key to Paradise

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The IslamicSharee'ahstresses that the wife is under the obligation of obeying her husband. This remains unless he commands her to disobey Allaah The Exalted. She is required to obey him and exert her utmost effort to fulfill his needs in a way that makes him satisfied and thankful. This is supported by theHadeethwhere the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“If the woman performs the five daily prayers, fasts the month of Ramadan, maintains her chastity and obeys her husband, she will enter the Paradise of her Lord.”Likewise, Allaah The Exalted Says )what means(:}But if they obey you ]once more[, seek no means against them.{]Quran 4:34[ Moreover, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Were I to order anyone to prostrate himself before anyone else, I would have ordered the woman to prostrate herself before her husband.”
Obedience is the first right that Islam acknowledges for the husband over his wife. She is required to obey him in everything unless he commands her to do an act of disobedience. The Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“No creature should be obeyed when it comes to disobeying the Creator.”
Consequently, she is required to obey him when he commands, fulfill his request when he orders, abstain when he forbids and respond when he advises. If he commands her not to allow a certain person, whether he is a relative or not, aMahramor non-Mahram, to enter his home when he is absent, she is required to obey him. The Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Indeed, you have a right over your wives, and your wives have a right over you. As for the right that you have over them, it is to disallow anyone whom you dislike to enter your houses.”
Obeying the Husband is Equal to Jihaad
There are manySharee'ahtexts indicating the greatness of the husband's right over his wife. In aHadeethon the authority of Ibn ‘Abbaas, may Allaah be pleased with him, it was mentioned that a woman came to the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and said, “O Messenger of Allaah, I am a delegate ]from a group of[ women and there are none of them, whether she knows or does not know that I would come to you, except she would want me to come to you. Allaah The Almighty is the Lord of both men and women and their God, and you are the Messenger of Allaah, for both men and women. Allaah has prescribed Jihaad for men only; if they are victorious, their reward is great, and if they die as martyrs, they are alive with their Lord, receiving sustenance. ]For women[, which act of obedience is equal in reward to this?”The Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, replied:“Obeying their husbands and )being aware of and( fulfilling their rights; and few of you do that.”]At-Tabaraani and ‘Abdul-Raaziq[ Here, the Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, equated the reward of makingJihaadto that of the wife obeying her husband.
Obedient Wives
The wife who knows her religious duties towards her husband is fully aware of the importance of obeying her husband. Mrs. Maha Jaabir says, “In order to provide the family with an atmosphere of security, protection, stability and affection, the wife is required to obey her husband in everything that is useful and beneficial. This would help to create sound humans who would go through life far removed from disturbances or imbalances. In return, Islam gave the woman her full right and made it obligatory on the husband to honor his wife, safeguard her rights and provide an honorable life for her in order to be obedient and loving."
Mrs. Muna Al-Mu’aththin says,
If it is obligatory on the wife to obey her husband, this is only because he bears the responsibility and she is subordinate to him. He is a caretaker of his home and responsible for those who are under his charge. Moreover, he is supposed to be more insightful and more open-minded, and to know things that the wife does not know because of his wide circle of acquaintances and his wide experience that enables him to see what his wife does not. The wise wife is the one who obeys her husband, fulfills his commands and responds to his opinions and advice willingly and sincerely. If she finds something wrong in him, from her point of view, she exchanges views with him and guides him to his mistake with leniency, kindness and conviction. Calmness and soft words work like magic.
The disease of conceit and arrogance may cripple a woman's heart. In this respect, Mrs. ‘Abeer Murshid says, "If such a disease reaches the heart of the woman, it would be a great disaster. The marital relationship would be threatened with the most dangerous type of disputes and quarrels. The man is in charge of the family by virtue of the role that Allaah The Almighty has granted him. If the wife tries to change the Creation of Allaah and His norms, this would afflict her with the most harmful consequences.”
Describing the way that she treats her husband, Mrs. Leena Al-Ghadhbaan says,
If my husband calls me to obey Allaah The Exalted and the Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, I respond to his call without annoyance because this is the way to salvation and forgiveness. If he asks me to wear decent clothes and adhere toHijaab, I obey his command because this is the way to attain success and the satisfaction of Allaah The Almighty. I do not care about the customs of the community as Allaah The Exalted Says )what means(:}And if you obey most of those upon the earth, they will mislead you from the Way of Allaah.{]Quran 6:116[ If he asks me to be moderate regarding home expenses, I respond with my heart and with love and faithfulness. These are the foundations of marital life that Allaah The Exalted Has established on affection and mercy. I know that when my husband gets angry at anything I might have done after advising and directing me, this may entails the Anger of Allaah The Exalted.
Mrs. Khadeejah Hijaazi says,
One may find obedience a heavy burden; however, the wife is rewarded according to the extent of her readiness to be obedient and her sincerity in fulfilling the obligations of such obedience. The Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, praised women and clarified that the services they perform and the sacrifices they make in terms of their emotions and energies can be made by no one else. They were created to perform a sublime and important duty, and in return Allaah The Exalted Has prepared a great reward for them. This reward would not be completed except with the wife’s obedience to her husband, satisfying him and avoiding what he dislikes.
Mrs. Hanaa‘ As-Saalih says, “The man is in charge of the family. He takes care of it and observes the morals of its members and its affairs. Hence, all the members of the family are required to obey him. He is charged with the burdens of the family and working to provide for it and fulfill its needs. In this way, the family is organized on the basis that there is a caretaker and a commander, on one hand, and subjects who listen and obey on the other.”
Limits of Obedience
However, the obedience that is obligatory on the wife to her husband is not blind obedience or obedience without restrictions, conditions or limits. Rather, it is the obedience of the righteous wife to the righteous and pious husband whose personality she trusts and believes in his sincerity and righteousness. Obedience that is based on consultation and mutual understanding promotes the entity of the family and its conditions and reinforces its foundations and strength.
The spouses are advised to consult each other with regard to all family affairs. Indeed, there is no consultant better than a faithful and truthful wife. She supports her husband, guides him with her emotions, protects him with her instinct and provides him with her opinion. The Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, would consult his wives and follow their opinion in important matters. He consulted his wife, Umm Salamah, may Allaah be pleased with her, in a most critical situation. Her consultation and wise opinion were important in putting an end to that crisis and returning matters to normality.
Finally, we find that Islam has organized the rights of spouses in such a way that if each of them perfectly fulfills the other's rights, he, as well as those around him, will live in a state of happiness. However, if one of them misuses this right, the marital life will fail as it is a partnership between the spouses. Islam acknowledges the rights of the wife over her husband just as it acknowledges the husband’s rights over his wife. Additionally, it has clarified the duties of each. If both of them follow the instructions and each of them knows his Islamic rights and duties, the family will live happily and will be encompassed by tranquility and the mercy of Allaah The Almighty.

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