For children, - Power of Positive Talk or Avoiding Toxic Self-Talk (Negative Talking)

Allah (SWT) the Exalted says in Noble Qur'an: "O you who believe! Be
careful of (your duty to) Allah and speak the right word." (33:70)
I remember my dad teaching me the power of language at a very young
age. Not only did my dad understand that specific words affect our
mental pictures, but he understood words are a powerful programming
factor in lifelong success.
One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As a
kid, I was always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around
upside down from the rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no
surprise for my dad to find me at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging
back and forth. My little eight-year-old brain didn't realize the tree
could break or I could get hurt. I just thought it was fun to be up so
high.
My older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree. She was hanging on
the first big limb, about ten feet below me. Tammy's mother also
noticed us at the exact time my dad did. About that time a huge gust
of wind came over the tree. I could hear the leaves start to rattle
and the tree begin to sway. I remember my dad's voice over the wind
yell, "Bart, Hold on tightly." So I did.
The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming at the top of her
lungs, laying flat on the ground. She had fallen out of the tree.
I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why she fell
and I did not. Apparently, when Tammy's mother felt the gust of wind,
she yelled out, "Tammy, don't fall!" And Tammy did fall.
My dad then explained to me that the mind has a very difficult time
processing a negative image. In fact, people who rely on internal
pictures cannot see a negative at all. In order for Tammy to process
the command of not falling, her nine-year-old brain had to first
imagine falling, then try to tell the brain not to do what it just
imagined. Whereas, my eight-year-old brain instantly had an internal
image of me hanging on tightly.
This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to break a
habit or set a goal. You can't visualize not doing something. The only
way to properly visualize not doing something is to actually find a
word for what you want to do and visualize that. For example, when I
was thirteen years old, I played for my junior high school football
team. I tried so hard to be good, but I just couldn't get it together
at that age. I remember hearing the words run through my head as I was
running out for a pass, "Don't drop it!" Naturally, I dropped the
ball.
My coaches were not skilled enough to teach us proper "Self-Talk."
They just thought some kids could catch and others couldn't. I'll
never make it pro, but I'm now a pretty good Sunday afternoon football
player, because all my internal dialogue is positive and encourages me
to win. I wish my dad had coached me playing football instead of just
climbing trees. I might have had a longer football career.
Here is a very easy demonstration to teach your kids and your friends
the power of a toxic vocabulary. Ask them to hold a pen or pencil.
Hand it to them. Now, follow my instructions carefully. Say to them,
"Okay, try to drop the pencil." Observe what they do.
Most people release their hands and watch the pencil hit the floor.
You respond, "You weren't paying attention. I said TRY to drop the
pencil. Now please do it again." Most people then pick up the pencil
and pretend to be in excruciating pain while their hand tries but
fails to drop the pencil.
The point is made. If you tell your brain you will "give it a try,"
you are actually telling your brain to fail. I have a "no try" rule in
my house and with everyone I interact with. Either people will do it
or they won't. Either they will be at the party or they won't. I'm
brutal when people attempt to lie to me by using the word try. Do they
think I don't know they are really telegraphing to the world they have
no intention of doing it but they want me to give them brownie points
for pretended effort? You will never hear the words "I'll try" come
out of my mouth unless I'm teaching this concept in a seminar.
If you "try" and do something, your unconscious mind has permission
not to succeed. If I truly can't make a decision I will tell the
truth. "Sorry John. I'm not sure if I will be at your party or not.
I've got an outstanding commitment. If that falls through, I will be
here, Insha Allah. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks for the invite."
People respect honesty. So remove the word "try" from your vocabulary.
My dad also told me that psychologists claim it takes seventeen
positive statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea
if it is true, but the logic holds true. It might take up to seventeen
compliments to offset the emotional damage of one harsh criticism.
These are concepts that are especially useful when raising children.
Ask yourself how many compliments you give yourself daily versus how
many criticisms. Heck, I know you are talking to yourself all day
long. We all have internal voices that give us direction.
So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you short changing
yourself with toxic self-talk like, "I'm fat. Nobody will like me.
I'll try this diet. I'm not good enough. I'm so stupid. I'm broke,
etc. etc."
If our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong
statement, imagine the kind of programming you are doing on a daily
basis with your own internal dialogue. Here is a list of Toxic
Vocabulary words. Notice when you or other people use them.
*.BUT: Negates any words that are stated before it.
*.TRY: Presupposes failure.
*.IF: Presupposes that you may not.
*.MIGHT: It does nothing definite. It leaves options for your listener.
*.WOULD HAVE: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen.
*.SHOULD HAVE: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen (and implies guilt.)
*.COULD HAVE: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen but the person tries to take credit as if it did
happen.
*.CAN'T/DON'T: These words force the listener to focus on exactly the
opposite of what you want. This is a classic mistake that parents and
coaches make without knowing the damage of this linguistic error.
Examples:
*.Toxic phrase: "Don't drop the ball!"
*.Likely result: Drops the ball
*.Better language: "Catch the ball!"
*.Toxic phrase: "You shouldn't watch so much television."
*.Likely result: Watches more television.
*.Better language: "I read too much television makes people stupid.
You might find yourself turning that TV off and picking up one of
those books more often!"
Exercise:
*.Take a moment to write down all the phrases you use on a daily basis
or any Toxic Self-Talk that you have noticed yourself using. Write
these phrases down so you will begin to catch yourself as they occur
and change them.
Forge a positive relationship with the world around you and the world
will become a better place for you to live. And remember: Make
positive Self-Talk a daily practice.

Social System in Islam: The View of Man and Woman and the Human Sexual Instinct

"Woe to Humankind! What has made him reject God? From what thing did
He create him? > From a clot He Created him..."[Abasa: 17-19]
Thus, Allah (swt) has addressed Humankind with obligations and He
(swt) has made Humankind the subject of that speech and those
obligations. He (swt) has revealed the laws (Shar'a) to Humankind and
He (swt) will resurrect Humankind, account him/her and admit him/her
to Paradise or Hell. Therefore, He (swt) has made Humankind - not men
or women - the subject of the obligations.
Allah (swt) has created Humankind, whether male or female, with a
specific nature which is distinct from that of animals. The woman is a
human, as is the man, and they do not differ from each other in terms
of their humanity. Nor is one distinguished from the other in any
aspect of that humanity. Allah (swt) has prepared both of them, in
their capacity as humans, to enter the walks of life and inevitably
made them live in the same society. He also made the survival of the
human race dependent on their meeting together and their mutual
presence in every society.
It is not permitted to view one of them except as the other is viewed
because, as humans, they possess all human characteristics and the
essential requirements of life. Allah (swt) has created within each of
them a vital energy (Taqa Hayawiya), and it is the same vital energy
which He (swt) has created for the other. So He (swt) made in each of
them organic needs such as hunger, thirst and the need to relieve
nature and He (swt) made in each of them a survival instinct (Gharizat
al-Baq'a) and a procreation instinct (Gharizat al-Nau') and a
sanctification (Gharizat al-Tadayyun) instinct. They are the same
organic needs and instincts that are present in each other.
He (swt) has granted both of them the faculty of thought, and it is
the same faculty of thought that is present in the other. Thus,
intelligence is present in a man and it is the same intelligence that
is present in a woman, since Allah created an intellect for Humankind
and not exclusively for a man or a woman.
The procreation instinct can be satisfied illegitimately. However,
this will not serve the purpose for which the instinct has been
created in Humankind except in one case, that is if a man satisfies it
with a woman and a woman satisfies it with a man. Therefore, the
relationship of a man with a woman and vice versa from the angle of
instinctual sexuality is a natural relationship free from any
abnormality. It is the only genuine relationship by which Humankind
realises the purpose for which this instinct was created, that is the
survival of the human race. So when a relationship takes place between
them in terms of sexual intercourse, that is instinctive and natural,
and there is nothing strange or odd about that. Rather, it is a
necessary matter for the survival of the human species.
However, allowing this instinct to run loose is detrimental to
Humankind and his social life. The purpose of its existence is to
produce offspring for the survival of the species. Therefore,
Humankind's view of this instinct must be oriented towards the purpose
for which it is found in him, and that undoubtedly, is for the
survival of the species without distinction between men or women. As
for the pleasure and enjoyment which is obtained by satisfaction, that
is a natural and inevitable matter whether Humankind considers it or
not. Therefore it is not correct to say: pleasure and enjoyment should
be dissociated from the procreation instinct. Disassociation between
them is not attainable, this is because it is not possible. However,
Man's view stems from his concept about this satisfaction, and the
purpose of its existence. Consequently, Humankind must generate a
specific concept about this instinct and the purpose for which it
exists in him. This will form a distinct view concerning the
procreation instinct, so that he restricts it to the relationship of a
man with a woman, and a woman with a man. It will also form in him a
distinct view concerning the relationship between men and women in the
male-female sense, i.e. the sexual relationship, such that it is
directed according to the purpose for which it was created, i.e. the
survival of the human race. Through this view, the satisfaction of the
instinct is achieved, as is the purpose for which it was created.
The community which adopts this concept and possesses this distinct
view also achieves tranquillity (Tamannina). The view of the community
- any human community - concerning that which exists between men and
women in terms of the male-female relationship, (i.e. their sexual
relationship), must be changed from a view focused on pleasure and
enjoyment, to one of considering pleasure and enjoyment a natural and
necessary matter, but the view is orientated towards the purpose for
which this instinct exists. This view maintains and discharges the
procreation instinct according to the correct manner for which it was
created, and gives man the opportunity to carry out his other
activities and frees him to pursue the things that make him happy.
For this reason man must possess a concept concerning the satisfaction
of the procreation instinct and the purpose for which it exists. The
human community must have a system that ensures co-operation between
the man and the woman and eliminates from people's minds the dominance
of the notion of sex, making it the concern that overrides all other
concerns. This is because the community is of no worth (Salaah)
without the co-operation between men and women, considering them as
two siblings who support each other in mutual love and kindness. For
this reason, we must emphasise the importance of complete change in
the community's outlook towards the relationship between men and the
women, which will end the dominance of the concepts of sex, turning it
into a matter which is natural (marriage) and necessary for
satisfaction and ending the restriction of this relationship to
pleasure and enjoyment. Instead, it will produce a view which seeks
the good of the community, not a masculine or feminine one, and it
will be governed by the fear (Taqwaa) of Allah and not by enjoyment or
lust. It is a view which does not deny Man the enjoyment of sexual
pleasure, but makes it lawful (Mashru'), ensuring the survival of the
human race and agreeing with the ultimate goal of a Muslim, which is
to seek the pleasure of Allah.
Some verses in the Qur'an came to address the marital aspect, i.e. the
purpose for which the procreation instinct was created. Thus, there
are verses which make it clear that the creation of the procreation
instinct, in origin, is for the purpose of marriage, i.e. survival of
the human race. In other words, Allah (swt) has created the instinct
only for the purpose of marriage. The verses clarify this using
different styles and various meanings in order to ensure that the view
of the community towards the relationship between the man and woman,
is a view which is focused on marriage and not on sex.
"Oh Humankind! Be dutiful to your Lord, Who created you from a single
person, and from him created his wife, and from them both He created
many men and women."[An- Nisa: 1]
"It is He Who has created you from a single person, and He has created
from him his wife, in order that he might enjoy the pleasure of living
with her. When he had sexual relations with her, she became pregnant
and she carried it about lightly. Then when it became heavy, they both
invoked Allah, their Lord: If You give us a good child, indeed we
shall be amongst the grateful."[Al- Araf: 189]
"And Allah has made for you wives of your own kind, and has made for
you, from your wives, sons and grandsons."[An- Nahl: 72]
"The Creator of the heavens and earth. He has made for you mates from
yourselves."[Ash- Shura: 11]
The Impact of this view on the relationship between Man and Woman
Only when the instinct is excited, will it require satisfaction. Once
the instinct requires satisfaction, it will drive Humankind to acquire
it, and the human will experience anxiety as long as the instinct is
excited. Once it is calmed down, anxiety will no longer exist. The
non-satisfaction of this instinct will not result in death or any
physical, mental, or psychological harm. Harm will be merely through
anxiety and frustration. Consequently the satisfaction of this
instinct is not mandatory such as the satisfaction of the organic
needs (food, drink ,relieving), it is rather a matter to bring about
tranquillity and comfort.
Two matters excite the instinct:
1. The tangible reality and
2. Thought and association of ideas.
One of these matters at least, must be present for the instinct to be
excited. Meaning, it is not excited due to an internal motive (within
the human body), as is the case with the organic need, but rather from
an external incentive, namely the tangible reality or associated
thoughts. This holds true for all instincts, namely the instinct of
survival(for example to become rich...), sanctification (to worship..)
and procreation, with no difference between them.
Since the procreation instinct is similar to the other instincts in
that if it is excited it will require satisfaction, and since it is
not excited except by a tangible reality or associated thoughts, then
the human is able to control this satisfaction. As a matter of fact,
the human is able to initiate this satisfaction, or to prevent it from
taking place except in such a manner that it is geared towards
preserving the human race. Seeing the opposite sex or any tangible
reality related to the procreation instinct will excite the instinct
and cause it to require satisfaction. Consequently, reading sexual
stories and listening to sexual ideas will excite the procreation
instinct. Conversely, keeping away from the opposite sex (except blood
relatives), sexual ideas or anything related to the procreation
instinct will prevent the instinct from being excited. This is so
because the procreation instinct cannot be excited except by a
tangible reality or a sexual thought.
If the community's view of the relationship between men and woman is
focused on the male-female relations, i.e. the sexual relations, as is
the case in Western society, then it will be preoccupied with creating
exciting tangible realities and generating sexual thoughts necessary
to excite the procreation instinct, so as to require satisfaction, and
by its satisfaction, the relationship is achieved and comfort is
gained. Contrary to this, if the view of the community to the
relationship between man and woman is focused on the purpose
(marriage,protecting one's spouse,training the kids..) for which this
instinct was created, namely preserving the human race, then keeping
the tangible realities and sexual thoughts away from men and woman in
public life is a necessity. Otherwise, the instinct will be excited
and require a satisfaction that is not available, a matter which
causes anxiety and frustrations. Also, restricting exciting tangible
realities to the case of marriage is necessary to preserve the human
race, by producing tranquillity and comfort when satisfaction is
demanded within marriage.
This is a clear indication of the extent that the community's view of
man-woman relations has in directing public life in the community and
in the society. Both the Western and Eastern view of the man-woman
relationship is one that is sexual, not one geared to preserving the
human race. Hence, they purposely worked on finding tangible realities
and sexual thoughts for man and woman to excite this instinct, in
order to satisfy it. They claimed that if this instinct is not
satisfied, this will lead to suppression, which leads to physical,
psychological and mental harm. As a result, one finds in the Eastern
and Western communities and in the Western and Communist societies,
many sexual thoughts in writing, poetry, and literature in general. It
is normal in these societies to have unnecessary free mixing between
men and women in their homes, parks, roads, and swimming pools for
example. This is because they consider these things a necessity that
they purposely create. It is a part of organising their life and a
part of their life style.
Muslims who believe in the Aqeedah of Islam and the validity of its
rules, carry a different point of view. Meaning, Islam views the
man-woman relations as for preserving the human race. The Islamic
point of view does not focus on the sexual aspect of the relationship:
though considering it an inseparable part of satisfaction, its
satisfaction, however, is not the real motive. Consequently, Islam
views the presence of sexual ideas and the tangible realities that
excite the instinct as a cause of corruption and harm. Hence, it
forbade man and woman; to meet in seclusion (Khulwa), the woman from
showing her charms to strangers and the men and women from looking at
each other in a sexual fashion. Islam also has defined the
co-operation between men and women in public life and confined sexual
relations between men and women to marriage.
Therefore, Islam works to prevent the procreation instinct from being
excited by anything in the public life and works to confine sexual
relations to marriage. Contrary to Islam, Capitalism and Communism
work to create situations that excite this instinct in order to
satisfy it and to set it loose (to the level of animals) in
everything. Also, while Islam views the man-woman relations as only
for the purpose of preserving the human race, Capitalism and Communism
view the man-woman relations as a male-female one, i.e. a sexual view.
The wide difference between what Islam aims to achieve and what the
other two ideologies are designed to achieve becomes evident. This
reflects the Islamic point of view as being one of purity,
righteousness and chastity. It is a point of view for the tranquillity
of the human and the continuation of his race.
With regard to what the Westerners and the Communists claim that
suppressing the sexual instinct in men and women alike causes mental,
physical and psychological disorders to the human, this claim is wrong
and conflicts with reality. This is due to the fact that there is a
difference between the organic needs and the instincts in terms of the
necessity of satisfaction. The former, such as the need for food,
drink, and relieving the call of nature, must be satisfied or it will
result in physical harm that may lead to death. As for the instincts
of survival, sanctification and procreation, if not satisfied (outside
marriage) these will not lead to any physical, mental or psychological
harm, but merely lead to anxiety . This is proven by the fact that a
person might spend his entire life without satisfying some of the
instincts and no harm befalls him. Also their claim that physical,
mental and psychological illnesses occur when the procreation instinct
is not satisfied is false, since it only happens to some individuals,
not humans at large. This shows that such illnesses do not happen
naturally due to its non-satisfaction but rather due to other factors.
If such complications were a result of suppressing the instinct, it
would have happened in every case of non-satisfaction, according to
the laws of nature, a matter which has never occurred. And they admit
to the fact that it does not occur naturally due to non-satisfaction.
Therefore, such complications must be due to factors other than the
suppression of the instinct.
Furthermore, an organic need requires satisfaction naturally from
within. It does not require an external stimulant, though an external
stimulant incites it when the need is present. This is different from
the instinct which does not become excited naturally from within,
without the presence of an external stimulant. It is not stimulated
internally unless there exists an external stimulant which results
either from an exciting tangible reality or an exciting sexual
thought, part of which is the association of exciting thoughts. When
the external factor is absent, there will be no stimulation. This
holds true for all instincts with no difference between the instinct
of survival, sanctification or procreation and with all their external
aspects. Therefore, if a stimulant for any instinct is present, the
person will be excited and the instinct will require satisfaction.
Once the stimulant is kept at bay or the person becomes occupied in
something that is more important, the demand for satisfaction will
disappear and he will calm down. This is different from the organic
need where once excited, it will never go away until satisfied.
This clearly demonstrates that if the procreation instinct is not
satisfied, there will result no physical, mental or psychological
illness, since it is merely an instinct, and not an organic need. What
in fact happens is that once a person is confronted with an exciting
tangible reality or sexual thought, which stimulates the procreation
instinct, that person will be excited and demand satisfaction. If the
demand is not met with satisfaction, that person will experience
nothing more than anxiety. With repetition, anxiety will turn to pain
(also sexual problems later and abnormal behaviour). However, if the
stimulant is kept away or the person is kept occupied with something
that dominates the instinct, the anxiety disappears. Therefore,
suppressing the procreation instinct once aroused will result in
anxiety and pain, and if not excited, nothing will result, not even
anxiety or pain. Therefore, the proper solution is not to excite the
instinct. This is achieved by preventing anything from exciting it as
long as it can not be satisfied (until one gets married).
This shows the fallacy of the Western and Communist point of view,
which made the community's view to the relations between men and women
focused on the male-female relations(a sexual one). Consequently, it
shows the falsehood of the treatment produced by this point of view of
stimulating the instinct in the man and the woman via highlighting
things that stimulate it, such as free mixing, dancing, games,
stories, etc. It also shows the truthfulness of the Islamic point of
view which made the community's view to man-woman relations focused on
the purpose for which this instinct was created, namely preserving the
human race. Accordingly, it shows the correctness of the solution
produced by this view of keeping away any kind of stimulating tangible
reality or sexual thought when legal satisfaction through marriage .
Therefore, Islam alone is able to completely and correctly treat the
corruption caused by the procreation instinct in the society and among
the people. Such correct and complete treatment will result in piety,
tranquility and elevation in the society and among the people.

The Family & The SexualRevolution

Family is a Mutual Commitment
The Prophet Muhammad (Sall Allaho alaihe wasallam) said:"Women are the
other half of men."The unit of humanity is not a man or a woman. It is
a man and a woman in that unison that makes them a family (just like
the smallest part of water is not oxygen or hydrogen but both united).
Like Judaism, Christianity and many other religions, Islam decrees
that the pairing off of a man and a woman to make a family constitutes
a sacred bond that the Holy Qur'aan calls "a stout pledge", that has
to be documented and authenticated by the "marriage contract" or
wedlock.
It signifies the commitment of the spouses to one another and
establishes their mutual rights and responsibilities as well as those
vis-a-vis their children.
Children have the right to legitimacy (birth under a marriage contract
and having and knowing their father and mother), loving care as they
are raised, being nurtured and catered for both physically and
spiritually, and the right of education and getting them equipped to
face life and bear its responsibilities as mature and useful citizens.
As the parents attain old age or get incapacitated some way or
another, it is the children's religious duty to look after them and
cater to their comfort without feeling impatient or distressed about
it. It is a right towards Allah.
Of course, it is the perpetual insurance for the future of the
children as they themselves grow up and become parents and attain old
age. This solidarity of the family and strength of the family ties is
of paramount importance in Islam. It spreads even beyond the nuclear
family along the widening circles of blood ties. The Quran calls it
"the relation of the womb".
It is both a duty and a rewardable charity to be kind to those blood
kindred through friendly care or financial support if needed. Even
after parents have died, it remains one's duty to pray for them, and
even to maintain the ties with their friends, show them courtesy, and
offer help if needed.
Purpose of Marriage in Islam
In Islam, marriage subserves two functions, and it is only marriage
that lawfully subserves them. The one is to fulfil the yearning of the
one half to its other half and their becoming one, both physically and
spiritually. Says the Holy Qur'aan:"Amongst His signs is that He
created for you, from amongst you, consorts, with whom to dwell in
tranquility; and He laid love and compassion between you."(30:21)
The other function is to procreate and have a progeny. Says Allah
Almighty:"God made for you, from amongst you, consorts, and out of
your consorts made for you children and grandchildren; and bestowed on
you from His bounty; would they then believe in the vain things and
deny the blessings of God?"(16:72) Marriage is the only legitimate
venue for sex and reproduction. Trespassing outside marriage is a
grave sin. To satisfy these legal criteria must be a very rare event,
and it seems it was meant to be so.
It is noteworthly that the same moral principles used to prevail also
in America and the West, but with the slippage of more and more people
into atheism or microtheism, change was inevitable. Atheism is when
God is denied. Microtheism is when God is acknowledged but with
reduced Godliness. We worship Him but on our own terms. We visit the
houses of worship usually on weekends, but we do not allow God out to
tell us what to do with our private or public lives. This erosion of
faith set the stage for the "sexual revolution", as all religious
values became subject to radical revision.
Origin of the Sexual Revolution and the Immorality of the West
The sexual revolution did not start as recently as we think in the
sixties. Nor was it the outcome of a passive natural social change. It
was the result of intelligent planning, hard work and perseverance. It
all started with the extreme fascination with scsience and its
technological capabilities, in the wake of banishment of the church
from delving into public life.
The human mind became the Ultimate arbiter of all human affairs, and
all time-honoured values were subjected to its new rulings. In their
haste and superficiality, however, people missed the obvious fact that
the human mind itself, and by its own admission, is an imperfect
instrument, and that with its limitation it cannot pass such ultimate
judgments as those concerning the absolute moral standards.
To further replace God by man, a movement arose between the two world
wars called "Morality without Religion", accusing religion, and not
human error, of causing enmity and conflict between people. They
pretended the same moralities could be attained without necessarily
ascribing them to religion and called them "unattached moralities".
But as religion moved out of focus, God was dethroned, and new codes
of morality were issued wherein the immoralities of yesterday became
the normalities of today, and secular humanism could, at last, frankly
declare that human values must be made by human beings and without
relevance to any non-human or supernatural reference.
With the shift towards materialism, such values as honour, chastity
and purity became empty words and nonviable currency. A full range of
indoctrination worked to stretch the boundaries of freedom to include
licence, and in a society that emphasises individuality, every human
whim became a human right.
It was another setback when the tidal wave that hit society deluged
also many of the traditional custodians of religion and protectors of
its values. These were the Trojan horse, because instead of leaving
the religious camp to the libertarian camp, they started working on
religion itself by new re-interpretations and new exegesis of the
texts to render lawful and permissible what has been unlawful and
reprehensive along the whole history of those religions. Many of those
clergy themselves fell prey to the germs they were supposed to fend
off. Some even interpreted the institution of "celibacy" as refraining
from marriage but not from having sex.
The result, as expected, is this chaotic sexual conduct of whole
societies. Without the values of chastity outside marriage and
fidelity within it, came the desecration of sex as a very special bond
between a man and a woman, mass and promiscuous sex, spur posses,
rapes, unwanted pregnancies ending in abortion or unwanted children
stripped of their right of legitimate double parentage, and children
begetting children.
Further, family trust is eroded when even in stable families some 15
percent of the children are not having their fathers, added to all
this are health hazards due to the epidemic spread of sexually
transmitted diseases, whether new diseases or the recurrence of old
ones we thought have been conquered long ago. Their causative
organisms have acquired resistance to known antibiotic therapy, and
with rising promiscuity they are exacting a heavy toll on the
community, especially the youth.
No Confusion in Islam
We, Muslims, do not have any confusion or vagueness about what is
lawful in our religion and what is unlawful. The moralities and the
immoralities specified in the Holy Qur'aan will remain so forever, and
cannot be diluted or manipulated or rationalized according to anyone's
whim. There are no clergy or scholars who can claim to be endowed with
the right or ability of special interpretation. This does not mean
that all Muslims are, therefore, virtuous people who do not sin. Of
course, Muslims violate their own religion by committing sins and
abominations, but at least they know it is sin, and it will remain on
their conscience until they desist and repent to Allah.
The real challenge the Muslim citizens of the Western communities are
facing is that their children are raised under social and moral norms
that conflict with the teachings of Islam. But the Muslims are not
alone in this, because there are also Jews, Christians and others who
uphold the same divine moralities and make every effort to endow their
children with them.
Our way with our children follows an early introduction to Allah, and
that when we believe in Him it means we accept and abide by His rules.
If we follow His rules, we do not bother if the others do not, for
when one is on the side of Allah then one is in the majority. This
breeds the confidence that resists peer pressure and the vagaries of
temptation. "They all do it" ceases to be an excuse.
The vaccination approach aims at building up immunity long before the
child is exposed to disease: be it physical or moral. Just like a
soldier is prepared to battle before and not during the battle, future
hazards and catches are discussed with the child so that he/she would
decide in advance what position to take when the time comes whether
the offer is smoking, drink, drug or sex.
Fortunately, the preaching of premarital chastity entails more than an
order to obey (of course the teaching is that when Allah orders, we
hear and we obey). Discussions with Muslim and non-Muslim youth
presented the case equally powerfully even along purely intellectual
lines. "Who believes in equality of the sexes?", and it is an
unanimous vote. "Who believes in justice?", and again it is a
unanimous agreement. The proposition is then introduced that any
relationship between two partners, the consequences of which are not
equally shared by both, cannot constitute justice; and they all agree.
In a situation of liberal sex, the consequences are not equally
shared, because the female side is the loser all the way, whether she
is deserted, or gets pregnant and goes for abortion, or gives birth
and signs away her baby for adoption or ends with a fatherless baby to
support alone for the rest of her life. When we observe the
consequences and ask the question, "Can this be justice?" the general
shout is "No!".
Homesexuality and its Consequences
The homosexuality movement was a fairly late comer on the wagon of the
sexual revolution. Homosexuality, of course, is not a new invention as
it has always been there in practically all cultures and among all
people but, one would guess, in more limited proportions. It had its
lobby whose activities followed more or less subtle ways, but its
influence mushroomed only over the past decade or so.
A "Gay Bowel Syndrome" was described in the medical literature, and
later it was AIDS that made the news and its relation to homosexual
behaviour being established. Very soon the AIDS problem was pushed out
of the medical arena and its rules and regulations for handling
infectious diseases.
It became a political issue, and the homosexual lobby further grew
into a political power capable of intimidating office bearers and
political figures and gaining the support of many in the media, the
arts and the clergy. Instead of AIDS being contained, it spilled over
to blood recipients, drug addicts, the foetus in utero, heterosexual
contacts with wives and others and accidental infections.
It became a global epidemic that is spreading at a serious pace. To
the AIDS patient we have empathy and compassion and hopefully the best
available medical and nursing care. To those not infected, we
recommend the preventive approach. This is not the condom, for there
is no such a thing as safe sex. It is chastity until marriage, and
fidelity within marriage.
The debate about homosexuality is ravaging. "Be what you are" they
say, "and do not be ashamed of it". Many unsuspecting youth started to
experiment, to discover what they really are. Consent is a requisite,
and the lobbies in Scandinavia are trying to bring down the consent
age to four years. A 'Gay Pride Day' is annually observed in
California with media coverage, a 'Gay Pride Month' in some school
districts has been established to remove bigotry and prejudice, and
two-man or two-woman households are being presented as alternative
forms of family.
Recently, science began exploring a possible anatomical or genetic
basis for homosexual orientation. We Muslims are not impressed, and to
us the matter is that simple. We do not make our religion, but we
receive it and we obey it. We cannot impose anything on anyone, but to
us, the Holy Qur'aan and the teachings of Prophet Muhammad (Sall
Allaho alaihe wasallam) clearly and explicitly condemn homosexual
practices.
Whether you have the orientation or not, whether you harbour the gene
or not, your feelings and desires shall not dictate your behaviour.
You might be dying to do something (be it homosexual contact or
heterosexual with a partner who is not your wife or taking an
alcoholic drink or an urge for a violent action or a desire to steal
something that is not yours), what you feel need not be what you do.
Says Allah Almighty in the Holy Qur'aan:"It is not for a believing man
or woman if a matter has been decided by Allah and His Messenger, to
have a choice of their own. If anyone disobeys Allah and His
Messenger, he is indeed on a clearly wrong path."(33:36). Every human
being has an undisputed gene without which they cannot be a human
being: it is called the "gene of self-control"!

Sex in Islam Sex as Sadaqa

An excerpt from 'The Muslim Marriage Guide', By Ruqaiyyah Waris
Maqsood (Amana Publications).
"Women shall have rights similar to the rights upon them; according to
what is equitable and just; and men have a degree of advantage over
them."(Quran, 2:216)
They do indeed! This passage of the Holy Quran was revealed in
connection with the rights of women following a divorce, but it also
has a general sense. One basic right of every person taking on a
contract never to have sex other than with their own legitimate
partner is that each spouse should therefore provide sexual
fulfillment (imta') to the other, as part of the bargain.
Now, every man knows what sexual things please him--but some men,
particularly those who have not been married before and are therefore
lacking experience, don't seem to know much about how to give the same
pleasure to the woman; even worse, some men do know but they can't be
bothered to make the effort. Yet this is vital if a marriage is to
succeed and not just be a disappointing burden for the woman, and it
is a vital part of one's Islamic duty.
It is not acceptable for a Muslim man just to satisfy himself while
ignoring his wife's needs. Experts agree that the basic psychological
need of a man is respect, while that of a woman is love. Neither
respect nor love are things that can be forced--they have to be worked
for, and earned. The Prophet (s) stated that in one's sexual intimacy
with one's life partner there is sadaqa (worship through giving):
Allah's Messenger (pbuh) said:"In the sexual act of each of you there
is a sadaqa."The Companions replied: "O Messenger of Allah! When one
of us fulfils his sexual desire, will he be given a reward for that?"
And he said,"Do you not think that were he to act upon it unlawfully,
he would be sinning? Likewise, if he acts upon it lawfully he will be
rewarded."(Muslim)
This hadith only makes sense if the sexual act is raised above the
mere animal level.
What is the magic ingredient that turns sex into sadaqa, that makes it
a matter of reward or punishment from Allah? It is by making one's sex
life more than simple physical gratification; it is by thought for
pleasing Allah by unselfish care for one's partner. A husband that
cannot understand this will never be fully respected by his wife.
Neither spouse should ever act in a manner that would be injurious or
harmful to their conjugal life. Nikah is the sacred tie between
husband and wife, that sincere and devoted love without which they
cannot attain happiness and peace of mind.
"Of His signs is this: that He created for you spouses that you might
find rest in them, and He ordained between you love and mercy."(Quran,
30:21)
Now, every Muslim knows that a man has a right on his wife. However,
because nikah is a contract never to seek sexual satisfaction outside
the marriage bond, Islam commands not only the women but the men in
this respect, and makes it clear that if a husband is not aware of the
urges and needs of his wife, he will be committing a sin by depriving
her of her rights.
According to all four orthodox jurists, it is incumbent upon the
husband to keep his wife happy and pleased in this respect. Likewise,
it is essential for the wife to satisfy the desire of the husband.
Neither should reject the other, unless there is some lawful excuse.
Now, it is fairly easy for a woman to satisfy a man and make herself
available to him, even if she is not really in the mood. It is far
harder for a man to satisfy a woman if he is not in the mood, and this
is where an important aspect of male responsibility needs to be
brought to every Muslim man's attention, and stressed strongly.
The jurists believed that a woman's private parts needed "protecting"
(tahsin). What they meant was that it was important for a Muslim
husband to satisfy his wife's sexual needs so that she would not be
tempted to commit zina out of despair or frustration.
A Muslim wife is not merely a lump of flesh without emotions or
feelings, just there to satisfy a man's natural urges. On the
contrary, her body contains a soul no less important in God's sight
than her husband's. Her heart is very tender and delicate, and crude
or rough manners would hurt her feelings and drive away love. The
husband would be both foolish and immoral to act in any way
unpalatable to her natural temperament, and a man selfishly seeking
his own satisfaction without considering that of his wife is a selfish
boor. In fact, according to a hadith:
"Three things are counted as inadequacies in a man. Firstly, meeting
someone he would like to get to know, and taking leave of him before
learning his name and his family. Secondly, rebuffing the generosity
that another shows to him. And thirdly, going to his wife and having
intercourse with her before talking to her and gaining her intimacy,
satisfying his need from her before she has satisfied her need from
him."(Daylami)
This is another of the things implied by the saying that one's wife
is"a tilth unto you."(Quran, 2:223) The imagery is that of a farmer
taking care of his fields. According to Mawlana Abul-Ala Mawdudi:
"The farmer sows the seed in order to reap the harvest, but he does
not sow it out of season or cultivate it in a manner which will injure
or exhaust the soil. He is wise and considerate, and does not run
riot." (Afzalur Rahman, Quranic Sciences, London 1981, p.285)
Likewise, in the case of husband and wife, the husband should not just:
"Take hold of his wife and rub the seed and finish the business of
procreation. The damage in this case could sometimes be irreparable,
because a woman, unlike a farm, is very sensitive and has emotions,
feelings, and strong passions which need full satisfaction and
attention in a proper and appropriate manner." (Afzalur Rahman,
Quranic Sciences, London 1981, p. 286)
If this is not taken into consideration, and the wife is not properly
prepared to start lovemaking, or is unsatisfied when it is finished,
there could be many psychological and physiological complications
leading to frigidity and other abnormalities. Indeed, many husbands
eventually become disappointed with their wives, believing them to be
frigid or unable to respond to their activities (unlike the sirens on
the film or TV screen), and they wonder what is wrong with them. A
possible explanation will follow in a moment.
Allah created male and female from a single soul in order that man
might live with her in serenity (Quran, 7:189), and not in
unhappiness, frustration and strife. If your marriage is frankly
awful, then you must ask yourself how such a desperate and tragic
scenario could be regarded by anyone as "half the Faith." According to
a hadith:
"Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let
there first be a messenger between you.""And what is that messenger?"
they asked, and he replied:"Kisses and words."(Daylami)
These "kisses and words" do not just include foreplay once intimacy
has commenced. To set the right mood, little signals should begin well
in advance, so that the wife has a clue as to what is coming, and is
pleasantly expectant, and also has adequate time to make herself
clean, attractive and ready. As regards intimacy itself, all men know
that they cannot achieve sexual fulfillment if they are not aroused.
They should also realise that it is actually harmful and painful for
the female organs to be used for sex without proper preparation. In
simple biological terms, the woman's private parts need a kind of
natural lubrication before the sexual act takes place. For this, Allah
has created special glands, known to modern doctors as the Bartholin
glands, which provide the necessary "oils."
It is still possible to read old-fashioned advice to husbands that a
desirable wife should be "dry"--which is remarkable ignorance and
makes one really grieve for the poor wives of such inconsiderate men.
Just as no one would dream of trying to run an engine without the
correct lubricating fluids, it is the same, through the creative will
of Allah, with the parts of the female body designed for sexual
intimacy. A husband should know how to stimulate the production of
these "oils" in his wife, or at the very least allow her to use some
artificial "oils." This lack of knowledge or consideration is where so
many marital problems frequently arise.
As Imam al-Ghazali says: "Sex should begin with gentle words and
kissing," and Imam al-Zabidi adds: "This should include not only the
cheeks and lips; and then he should caress the breasts and nipples,
and every part of her body." (Zabidi, Ithaf al-Sada al Muttaqin, V
372) Most men will not need telling this; but it should be remembered
that failure to observe this Islamic practice is to neglect or deny
the way Allah has created women.
Insulting a wife with bad marital manners
Firstly, a husband must overcome his shyness enough to actually look
at his wife, and pay attention to her. If he cannot bring himself to
follow this sunna, it is an insult to her, and extremely hurtful.
Personal intimacy is a minefield of opportunities to hurt each
other--glancing at the watch, a yawn at the wrong moment, appearing
bored, and so on. A husband's duty is to convince his wife that he
does love her--and this can only be done by word (constantly repeated
word, I might add--such is the irritating nature of women!), and by
looking and touching.
Many people believe that the expression in the eyes reveals much of
the human soul. Certainly the lover's gaze is a most endearing and
treasured thing. Many wives yearn for that gaze of love, even after
they have been married for years. If you cannot bring yourself to look
at her while paying attention to her, she can only interpret this as a
sign that you do not really love her. And even though it may be
irritating to you, and seem quite superfluous, most women are deeply
moved when a man actually tells her that he loves her.
Sex is clean!
A modest upbringing is part of good character. The Prophet (s) himself
said:"Modesty brings nothing but good."(Bukhari and Muslim) But
another, also important, part of Islamic teaching says that all of
Allah's creation is beautiful and pure, particularly when it is part
of the body of human beings, who are designed as His deputies upon the
earth. In some religions, people traditionally believed that the
woman's private parts are in some way unclean, or dirty, or even evil.