Marital Life, - Preparing for puberty

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Learn why it is so important to talk to your child about sexuality from an Islamic perspective, and how you can help take the lows out of growing-up.
Talking to teenager about sexuality
Your child has just turned 11 years old; over time you begin to notice subtle changes in the way that she looks, acts, and talks. Her body begins to show signs of maturation, she is rather moody, and conversations with her seem to be more adult-like. Your child, or rather ‘young lady’, is just now entering the first stages of puberty and experiencing the wonderful changes that it brings. As a parent, it is important to prepare your child for this phase of life, and it is also crucial from the Islamic perspective. Once she has reached puberty, she will no longer be considered a child free of responsibility. Instead, she will be an adult with all of the obligations of Islam placed upon her. Spiritually, her relationship with Allaah will grow and develop, and she will be accountable for all of her choices, actions, and intentions.
Although we are able to train our youth for the religious and spiritual aspects of this phase, we often neglect to teach them about another important element – sexuality. Our neglect may be due to shyness, discomfort, fear, or worry, but it is something that must be done for the sake of our youth. Young adult Muslims have actually related that they wished someone )i.e., a parent, relative, Imaam( would have spoken to them about the Islamic perspective on sexuality and dealing with the opposite gender. They have so many questions about this new passage in their life, but are often afraid to ask. It is imperative that Muslim parents discuss with and educate their youth on this issue; otherwise their child may turn to other sources that are likely to be un-Islamic. It is actually the responsibility of parents to undertake this task, as it is part of the overall education, or training of a child. We must also consider how much our involvement will benefit our youth, because adequate preparation for the changes they are about to experience will lessen their worry, anxiety, and fear.
What should you say?
The following are some key points to consider when imparting information about sexuality to youth, and are also good points to draw on when discussing it with them.
1. Sexuality is a beautiful gift from Allaah
Sexuality is a blessing given to us from Allaah, Almighty. It is obviously for the purpose of procreation, but it is a mercy from Allaah, Almighty, that there is also enjoyment and satisfaction that comes with it. The relationship between man and woman in all spheres highlights Allaah’s Graciousness. Allaah, Almighty, Says )what means(:“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.”]Quran 30: 21[
Thus, sexuality is one component in a loving and affectionate relationship between husband and wife. It is not something shameful or disgraceful, but is rather part of Allaah’s wondrous, universal plan.
2. Sexuality is a test and also a responsibility
Although sexuality is a gift from Allaah, along with many other things in life, it is also a test and it entails responsibility. Allaah, Almighty, determines, at the age of puberty, that an individual is ready for this test. The test determines whether or not a person will submit to Allaah and His laws in this sphere of life. To pass this test, the satisfaction of one’s sexual urge must be fulfilled in pure and legitimate ways )within the bond of marriage(; to fail the test is to engage in illegitimate sexual relations and those actions and thoughts leading up to it. There are strict guidelines in the Sharee’ah )Islamic Law( for our sexual life, even in relation to other issues such as Hijaab, privacy and our social behavior. Many of these are a means of prevention, which is the most effective mechanism. This matter is a very serious one, and should be treated as such, for the consequences are quite severe if it is neglected.
3. Sexuality and marriage are inseparable
To assist in successful completion of the test, Allaah, Almighty, through His Mercy, has provided legitimate means to satisfy sexual desire. Marriage is strongly emphasized in Islam for this reason )as well as many others( as indicated in the following Prophetic narrations. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said: “Whoever marries has completed half of his faith; so let him have fear of Allaah in the remaining half.”]At-Tabaraani[ He, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, also said:“He who can afford to marry should marry, because it will help him to lower his gaze )from looking at forbidden things and other women( and save his private parts )from committing illegal sexual acts( and he who cannot afford to marry is advised to observe fasting, as fasting will diminish his sexual power.”]Al-Bukhaari[
Islam encourages marriage as a legal sexual outlet and as a shield and protection from immorality. Marriage should not be postponed, as is common practice in this time, particularly if the youth has strong sexual desire. The fulfillment and satisfaction of this desire is one of the main purposes of marriage, and it should not be postponed or suppressed for the sake of further education or reaching a certain age, especially if the temptation for illicit relations is present.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - Entering the marital bond - I: Finding a suitable spouse

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Marriage is one of the most serious and important commitments an individual will make in his lifetime. It is a bond that once established, cannot be easily broken. It is one of the most important relationships in a society, as it is the building stone of the overall structure. Marriage is so important in Islam that the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said:"Whoever marries has completed half of his faith. So let him have fear of Allaah in the remaining half."]At-Tabaraani[
As an act of worship, Muslims should make the intention to please Allaah, Almighty, during this process and act in accordance with His laws.
Unfortunately, in this time, more and more Muslim marriages are crumbling, primarily due to the fact that they were not in conformity with the laws established by Allaah. The intention to please Allaah was not there from the beginning.
As this is a rather immense topic, it will be spread out over several issues. Some of the initial components in the process are considered in the following, with the focus on women who are entering the marital bond.
The presence and guidance of a Wali )guardian - father or whoever takes his place( is one of the conditions required for soundness of a marriage contract. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said:"There is no marriage except with a Wali."]Ahmad, Abu Daawood and At-Tirmithi[ He, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, also said:"If any woman marries herself without the permission of her Wali, then her marriage is void, then her marriage is void, then her marriage is void."]Ahmad, Abu Daawood and others[
The Wali is the one who will be responsible for finding a suitable spouse for his ward, one who is religious and an appropriate match. The Wali must be male, mature, of good moral character, and of the same religion as the woman.
In the ideal situation, the Wali should be the closest male relative of the woman, so first it has to be the father, if not then it passes to the closest male relative on the father side, her grandfather, then her son, then her full brother, then her half brother, then his sons, then paternal uncles, then their sons, then the father paternal uncles, then the Muslim Judge. For women who have entered Islam from another religion, however, it is not acceptable for her non-Muslim father or other non-Muslim relative to act as her Wali. In this case, the responsibility falls upon the leader of the community. A woman cannot choose any person for her Wali. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said:"There is no marriage but with a Wali. And the ruler is the Wali for one who does not have a wali."]Ahmad and others[
A woman should never be forced to accept a marriage proposal. This is very clear in Islam. If a woman is forced to accept a marriage proposed against her will, she would have the right either to annul the marriage or accept and remain in it.
Ibn 'Abbaas, may Allaah be pleased with him, narrated that a young virgin woman came to the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, and stated that her father had married her and she disliked it. So the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, gave her the option )to annul the marriage or remain in it(. ]Abu Daawood and Ahmad[
The relationship between the woman and her Wali is ideally one of cooperation involving mutual respect and consideration.
Finding a Spouse with Faith and Piety:
The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said: "If someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you )to marry your daughter or ward( then marry )her off to( him. If you do not do so, there will be commotion on the earth, and a great deal of evil." ]At-Tirmithi and Ibn Maajah[
The Wali should assist the woman in finding a spouse who has strong faith and piety, which is reflected in behavior.
The happiness of the marriage often rests upon this important element. One of the goals of marriage is to find comfort, repose, and security in the relationship. This goal is more likely to be achieved if each spouse has fear of Allaah and adheres to Islam.
Unfortunately, women often look for a man who has wealth and letters behind his name )M.D., Ph.D., etc.( assuming that this will bring them happiness. Although there is no harm in considering these things, yet it should not be given first priority. How helpful will that wealth and those letters be when the person is being disrespectful and uncaring towards his wife? How beneficial will he be in helping her to fulfill her obligations to Allaah?
Women should carefully arrange their priorities when it comes to selecting a spouse, for the success and happiness of the marriage may depend on this.
Payment of Mahr )dowry(:
Payment of the Mahr is also a necessary condition for soundness of a marriage contract. It is given to the wife as a way of honoring and respecting her and as a symbol of the husband's commitment to provide for and take care of his wife.
Allaah Says )what means(:"And give the women )upon marriage( their bridal gifts graciously."]Quran; 4:4[
This verse and others establish the obligatory nature of the Mahr. There is no minimum or maximum amount of Mahr stated explicitly in either the Quran or Hadeeth.
Anything of value is acceptable as Mahr, regardless of whether it is something material or something non-material )if the person lacks wealth(. The prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said:"Search for something, even if it just be a ring made from iron."]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[ In fact, the Mahr could be knowledge of the Quran as related in a popular narration. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, accepted the dower of a person's knowledge of Quran. He said:"Go for I have put her under your charge )in marriage( due to what you have of the Quran."]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[
There is no maximum amount of dower as Allaah Says )what means(:"But if you want to replace one wife with another and you have given one of them a Qintaar )great amount of gold( in gift, do not take )back( form it anything."]Quran; 4:20[
A Qintaar is a very large amount of gold, which implies that it is allowed to give such large amounts. The Caliph Umar, may Allaah be pleased with him, however, did advise the people at one time not to be excessive with regard to a woman's dower. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, also encouraged people to be easy in this area. He, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said:"The best Mahr is the one which is easiest )to be paid(."]Al-Haakim and Ibn Maajah[
Some women request enormous amounts of money, jewelry, and goods from their prospective husbands, oftentimes making it impossible for the men to fulfill these requests. Men are actually foregoing or postponing marriage because they are unable to pay the "going rate" or to find a woman who is willing to accept a lesser amount.
This creates a great deal of corruption, trial and temptation not only for individuals, but also for society as a whole. Women should look beyond their own personal desires and interests and consider loftier values and benefits.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Soul Purification, - Oppression and Intrigue, and the Ultimate Punishment - II

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Meaning of the planning of Allaah The Almighty
As is common knowledge, the manner in which Allaah The Almighty plans, fits His Majesty; it indicates the way in which He inflicts punishment on those who conspire evil against His allies and Messengers, which is countering their schemes with good plans. Therefore, while their plots are most vile, the planning of Allaah The Almighty is the finest, because it constitutes justice and fair recompense. In addition, His manipulation of the disbelievers is a punishment for their deceitfulness of His messengers and allies. Verily, there is no plan or deception better than His.
Bearing in mind that the ill effects of conniving are suffered by the perpetrators, the same applies to the oppression they inflict, which is a sin that entails a swift recompense. It was said that anyone who draws the sword of injustice will be killed with it, for it afflicts its doer; therefore, one should avoid injustice.
‘Abdullaah ibn ‘Abbaas, may Allaah be pleased with them, would say, "If it happened that a mountain repressed another mountain, Allaah The Almighty would level the unfair one." The following quote is also attributed to him: "A king uttered a word of injustice while he was sitting on his throne. Allaah The Almighty then transformed him into an unknown object, perhaps a fly or something else. Most importantly, he did not have any significance after that again."
Furthermore, ‘Abdullaah ibn Mu‘aawiyah Al-Haashimi, may Allaah have mercy upon him, relates, “When he was on his deathbed, ‘Abdul-Muttalib asked his ten sons to assemble and advised them as follows, ‘O sons, do not be unjust, for, I swear by Allaah, ]He[ did not create anything more speedy in generating punishment than injustice. I have never witnessed people who continued ]to live in peace[ despite their transgression, except perhaps your relatives from Banu ‘Abd Shams.’”
Ibnul-Qayyim, may Allaah have mercy upon him, remarked, “How strange it is that the human self has the arrogance of Iblees, the envy of Qaabeel )Cain(, the insolence of ‘Aad, the transgression of Thamood, the audacity of Nimrod, the discourtesy of Pharaoh, the tyranny of Qaaroon, the ugliness of Haamaan, the fancies of Bal’aam, the deception of the people of Sabbath, the rebellion of Al-Waleed and the ignorance of Abu Jahl! It is also characterized by some beastly characteristics, such as the keenness of the crow, the voracity of the dog, the vanity of the peacock, the vileness of the scarab, the ingratitude of the Dhabb )a kind of reptile(, the grudge of the camel, the leaping of the cheetah, the hostility of the lion, the wrongdoing of the mouse, the maliciousness of the snake, the toying of the monkey, the persistent hoarding of the ant, the slyness of the fox, the lightness of the butterfly and the laziness of the hyena. However, despite all that, struggling against these bad traits, does, eventually, remove them."
Texts in the Quran vilify injustice, such as where Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}The cause is only against the ones who wrong the people and tyrannize upon the earth without right. Those will have a painful punishment.{]Quran 42:42[ In general, injustice incorporates haughtiness, arrogance, oppression, corruption and committing sins. It is one of the five things that all divine faiths prohibit, as Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}Say, "My Lord has only forbidden immoralities - what is apparent of them and what is concealed - and sin, and injustice without right, and that you associate with Allaah that for which He has not sent down authority, and that you say about Allaah that which you do not know."{]Quran 7:33[
That is why the promise of Allaah The Almighty of His support, to all those that have been oppressed should suffice them, as He Says )what means(:}That ]is so[. And whoever responds ]to injustice[ with the equivalent of that with which he was harmed and then is tyrannized - Allaah will surely aid him.{]Quran 22:60[
Moreover, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:"No sin is worthier of its doer’s punishment being hastened by Allaah in the worldly life, in addition to what is stored for him in the Hereafter, than injustice and severance of family relations."]Ahmad and Abu Daawood[ A slightly different version reads:"No act of obedience to Allaah necessitates a reward faster than upholding the ties of kinship; and nothing prompts punishment swifter than injustice, cutting off ties and the untruthful oath and empty promises.”]Al-Bayhaqi, Saheeh – Albaani[
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, also said:"Allaah revealed to me that you should be humble such that no one boasts over another or transgresses against another."]Muslim[
If we reflect on the history of nations, we will discover that there are lessons to be learned from the stories of the tyrants among them in the past and present. We will find that their final ends affirm the fact that the norms established by Allaah The Almighty in the universe are in total conformity with what is stated in His Book.
For instance, Pharaoh persecuted others in the land without right, claimed Lordship and Divinity, and said, as cited in the verse )which means(:}Does not the kingdom of Egypt belong to me, and these rivers flowing beneath me?{]Quran 43:51[ He tried to apprehend Prophet Moosaa )Moses(, may Allaah exalt his mention, and those who believed in him among the Children of Israel. Along with his army, he pursued them out of cruelty and enmity. However, Allaah The Almighty drowned him and caused water to surge over him as an appropriate punishment. Later, the Egyptians saw his rotten corpse after they had earlier worshipped him instead of Allaah The Almighty, Who Said )what means(:}So today We will save you in body that you may be to those who succeed you a sign.{]Quran 10:91[
The Quran also relates the story of another tyrant, Qaaroon; Allaah The Almighty Says that his people advised him, saying )what means(:}And desire not corruption in the land. Indeed, Allaah does not like corrupters.{]Quran 28:76[ But when he did not heed this, Allaah The Almighty destroyed him, as He describes, Saying )what means(:}And We caused the earth to swallow him and his home.{]Quran 28:81[
The tyranny that the preceding nations practiced against the Prophets and Messengers contains many admonitions and morals for all those who have intellect, for Allaah The Almighty seized them with His might and power. The people of Nooh )Noah( and ‘Aad, and many other generations lived until they ]disbelieved in them and[ perished along with their deeds that were presented to Allaah The Almighty, Who Says )what means(:}And how many have We destroyed before them of generations? Do you perceive of them anyone or hear from them a sound?{]Quran 19:98[

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M