Engagment, - Dought & clear, - * How can he find out about the one to whom he wants to propose?

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I am a young Muslim man studying abroad. I want to find a suitable righteous wife who suits my education and religious status. I was told about a girl who has all the characteristics I am looking for. The problem is that she is in my home country, and I am abroad, I have no way to know about her religiousness, morals, or beauty. I wanted to ask her some questions via the internet but she refused. All she did was that she told her family and gave me her father’s mobile number and said: “Enter houses by their proper doors”. All this made me like her. But I do not know even what she looks like! When I talked to her father I found him more protective to his family. He said to me: “if you are abroad, then your parents should come, and when you have the ability to come in the end of the year you will look to her, and she will look to you, then we will talk about marriage. I will not allow you to ask any question about me or my family before your parents come”. How does he want my parents to visit them while I know nothing about them! Is this the prescribed Islamic way? What is the solution? Please guide me.
How shall I learn about her in a proper Islamic way, especially that I do not know any righteous person who knows them?
What shall someone know about the girl to whom he is going to propose marriage? Is it proper to propose to her before knowing anything about her? Shall a person propose to a girl he never saw before?
I told you all the information I have about her. Is it enough to propose to her?
I am sorry for my long question, but my case is special and it needs detailing.
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Praise be to Allaah.
We ask Allaah to make it easy for you to find a righteous wife who will be a delight to you. From your question it seems that the family of this girl is a chaste family which protects its daughters, and that is clear from the fact that this girl refused to talk to you and insisted that you should speak to her father, then her father also said that. The father’s attitude is also sound, because he told you that when your father comes and the two families have got to know one another, then it will be possible for you to see her and propose marriage to her if you wish. This is a good attitude because looking at the woman to whom one is proposing, which is permitted in sharee’ah, is only permitted for the one who wants to propose and thinks it most likely that his proposal will be accepted. The great scholar al-‘Izz ibn ‘Abd al-Salaam (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in his bookQawaa’id al-Ahkaam fi Masaalih al-Anaam(2/146), when discussing looking at the woman to whom one wants to propose: That is only permitted for the one who has a strong hope that his proposal will be accepted, not the one who knows or thinks it most likely that his proposal will not be accepted. End quote.
As for getting to know the girl’s family, you can ask about them and ask your father to ask about them. Simply asking about them and consulting others about them before proposing to their daughter is not haraam according to sharee’ah, so it does not matter that this man told you not to ask about them, because in this case speaking and saying something that they dislike is not gheebah (backbiting or gossip) that is forbidden in sharee’ah. Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said inal-Fataawa al-Kubra(4/477), speaking of the kind of gheebah that is permitted with no difference of opinion among the scholars:
The second type is when a man consults others about the person whom he wants to marry or do business with or ask to bear witness, and (the person asked) knows that this person is not fit for that, so he advises him and tells him about that person. End quote.
With regard to how you can find out about her in a manner that is Islamically acceptable: as we have stated above, you can ask about her and it is permissible to look at her if you want to propose to her. If you cannot see her then you should send one of your female mahrams to look at her and describe her to you. It is better if you or the one who is going to describe her to you can see her before you propose, so that you can decide whether to go ahead or not, because looking after proposing may lead to you deciding not to marry her, and that will be upsetting to her and her family. It seems to us that this family will not object to you asking about them and looking at the girl if they see that you are serious about proposing, so you should do what the girl’s father has suggested, then pray istikhaarah and ask Allaah to guide you, and He will decree that which is good for you, in sha Allaah.
As for the qualities that you should look for in the girl whom you choose to be your wife, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) has taught us that which the Muslim should seek in the one whom he chooses to be his wife. That may be summed up as follows:
1 – She should be religiously committed, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (4802) and Muslim (1466). i.e., that which encourages a man to marry a woman may be one of these four things, but the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) enjoined us not to choose anyone else over the one who is religiously committed.
2 – She should be fertile, because of the hadeeth: “Marry women who are loving and fertile, for I will be proud of your great number before the other nations on the Day of Resurrection.” Narrated by Abu Dawood (2050); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani inSaheeh Abi Dawood. It may be known whether a virgin will be fertile if she is from a family whose women are known for bearing many children.
3 – She should be a virgin, because of the report: “Why not a virgin, so you could play with her and she could play with you?” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5052).
4 – She should have a good lineage i.e., be from a good family.
5 – She should be beautiful because that will bring tranquillity to him and be more helpful in lowering the gaze and more likely to bring about love. Hence it is prescribed to look at the woman before doing the marriage contract.
6 – She should be mature and he should avoid foolish women, because marriage is intended to be a permanent relationship and one cannot live with fools, and a foolish attitude may be picked up by the woman’s children.
Finally, we should not omit to point out to you the seriousness of speaking to non mahram women over the internet or via other means of communication, because it is a step that may lead to negative consequences, so beware of the traps of the shaytaan. May Allaah help us and you to do all that He loves and which pleases Him.
And Allaah knows best.

PUBLISHERM.NajimudeeN. MD,IRI

Engagment, - Dought & clear, - * She loves her cousin and he has proposed to her but he does not pray apart from Jumu’ah (Friday prayer)

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All praise be to Allah who guided me to pray, wear hejab and niqab. My question is about my cousin, he told me secretly that he loves me. He proposed to me but my father refuses him in spite of knowing that we love each other. He refuses the matter of marriage between relatives; also my cousin does not pray but jumu’ah, he smokes cigarettes and shisha and wastes his time sitting on cafés. He is of less status than us, financially and socially, as I am a doctor and he is a clerk, he is not religious either and his family and my father have many problems. But we love each other and I do not see my happiness in all those things, it is only with whom I love. I think it is easy for Allah to guide him as he guided me, as he is a moral man.
Shall I persist in asking my father to accept him hoping that Allah guides him after marriage, sacrificing all these differences between us, and thinking of the prophet’s (PBUH) Hadeeth: “marriage is the best for the two who love each other”?.
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Praise be to Allaah.
If your cousin does not pray apart from Jumu’ah, and he smokes the shisha and sits in coffee shops, then you should not accept him, rather it is not permissible for you to accept him, because if a person does not pray apart from Jumu’ah, the scholars differed as to whether he is a kaafir; some of them said that he is a kaafir, and some said that he is a faasiq (evildoer). At the very least he is committing a major sin.
How can a believing, righteous woman whom Allaah has blessed with guidance and who has become religiously committed and righteous, accept to marry a man like this?!
As for the love to which you refer, it cannot be denied that the best remedy for two who love one another is marriage, but this should not be at the expense of religious commitment, because love may change and disappear, and be followed by hate and harm, especially if the man is heedless of the rights of Allaah.
Marrying a man who is not righteous in the hope that he may be guided in the future is a risk that leads to negative consequences. He may or may not become righteous. You have to imagine what your life would be like with a man who does not pray, and who offends you with the stink of his smoke, and who wastes his time with bad companions in the coffee house.
A person like you is not unaware of the difference between the life of religiously committed people and the life of others who pray and are good in general, so how about life with one who does not pray and who smokes?
If this young man knows that he has been rejected because he does not pray and he smokes, and he does not mend his ways or become righteous, then the hope that he might become righteous after marriage is even more farfetched. No one knows what will happen tomorrow except Allaah, but this is based on general knowledge of how people are. If he really wants to marry you, then he will do everything he can to improve and change his image. If he does not do that, then there is a strong possibility that he may stay as he is after getting married.
Hence we advise you to let him know that you have rejected him because of his shortcomings and negligence with regard to religion, and that the rejection did not come only from your father, but it has in fact come from you too, after suppressing your feelings and following the rulings of sharee’ah on this issue. If he changes and becomes righteous, and that lasts long enough for you to be certain that he is steadfast, then in that case you may accept his proposal, and urge your father to agree.
But if he remains as he is, then stop thinking about him and remember that there are many other men who are righteous. Married life is intended to last for a long time, and it requires both partners to be compatible, so that their life will be good and they will produce righteous offspring and build a good family.
Happiness is not attained just by getting what one wants; rather true happiness is a gift from Allaah, which follows faith and righteous deeds, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Whoever works righteousness — whether male or female — while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)”
[al-Nahl 16:97]
Hence we see many cases that start with love before marriage, and end in failure and sorrow, because they were not based on obedience to Allaah.
See the answer to question no. 84102in which there is a social study of this issue.
Secondly:
It is obvious that your cousin is a non-mahram to you like any other non-mahram man, so there can be no relationship between you before marriage. So he should not look, shake hands, be alone with you or engage in conversation in which you speak in a soft voice. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“…be not soft in speech, lest he in whose heart is a disease (of hypocrisy, or evil desire for adultery) should be moved with desire, but speak in an honourable manner”
[al-Ahzaab 33:32]
We ask Allaah to guide us and you.
And Allaah knows best.

PUBLISHERM.NajimudeeN. MD,IRI

General Dought & clear, - * Meaning of “being with” in the verse “And whoso obeys Allah and the Messenger , then they will be with those on whom Allah has bestowed His Grace, of the Prophets, the Siddiqoon , the martyrs, and the righteous... [an-Nisa’ 4:69]

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Allah say’s in the Quran ‘’And whoso obey Allah and the Messenger , then they will be in the company of those on whom Allah has bestowed His Grace, of the prophets, the Siddiqun , the martyrs, and the righteous. (4;69)’’ According to this verse those who obey Allah and his messenger they will be in the same level in Jannah with these people. Now in the Quran Allah speaks clearly about the Jannah which he has prepared for Al-Muqqarrabun(The Foremost) and then he speaks about the Jannah which he has prepared for the people of the right hand. The two descriptions are not the same. The Jannah prepared for Al-Muqqarrabun(The Foremost) is better than the one prepared for the people of the right hand. Now the people of the right hand are people who obeyed Allah and his messenger, maybe not all of them but a lot of them. So they are supposed to be in the company of those who made it to the top levels in Jannah according to the verse. So How come the Jannah which is prepared for them is lower in Quality then the one prepared for Al-Muqqarrabun(The Foremost)? Are they not supposed to be in the same level? Will they be in the same level and yet have different things? If the answer is yes, does the same apply for the family members? When they are reunited at the same level of their family members who are above them, will they have less even though they are in the same level?
I Hope you can explain in detail.
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Praise be to Allah
Firstly:
Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, says in His holy Book (interpretation of the meaning):
“And whoso obeys Allah and the Messenger (Muhammad (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him)), then they will be with those on whom Allah has bestowed His Grace, of the Prophets, the Siddiqoon (those followers of the Prophets who were first and foremost to believe in them, like Abu Bakr As-Siddeeq), the martyrs, and the righteous. And how excellent these companions are!”
[an-Nisa’ 4:69].
In Arabic, the wordma‘a(with) is used to refer to everyone who shares with someone else in some matter; it does not necessarily mean that the two parties share in all matters.
Based on that, the “being with” in the verse mentioned does not necessarily mean that they will all be in the same level or degree of Paradise. Rather what is meant is that they will all have in common admittance to Paradise and enjoying its delights, even though each of the believers will have his own degree or level that Allah will bestow upon him in accordance with his good deeds.
Al-Qurtubi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
What is meant is that they will be with them in one abode of bliss, enjoying seeing them and being present with them; not that they will be equal with them in degree, for they will vary in degree, and everyone in it will be granted contentment with his lot. End quote.
Tafseer al-Qurtubi(5/272)
Ibn ‘Ashoor (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
“Being with” here refers to being together in Paradise, even though its degrees and levels vary. End quote.
At-Tahreer wa’t-Tanweer(5/116)
Al-Haafiz adh-Dhahabi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
It was narrated from Ibn ‘Umar in a marfoo‘ report: “The honest, trustworthy Muslim trader will be with the Prophets, the siddeeqs and the martyrs on the Day of Resurrection.”
This hadith has a jayyid isnaad and its meaning is sound, but the fact that he will be with them does not necessarily mean that he will be in the same degree or level as them.
Another example is the verse in which Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):“And whoso obeys Allah and the Messenger (Muhammad (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him)), then they will be with those on whom Allah has bestowed His Grace, of the Prophets, the Siddiqoon (those followers of the Prophets who were first and foremost to believe in them, like Abu Bakr As-Siddeeq), the martyrs, and the righteous. And how excellent these companions are!” [an-Nisa’ 4:69]. End quote.
Mizaan al-I‘tidaal(3/413)
A similar case is the report narrated by al-Bukhaari (3688) from Anas (may Allah be pleased with him), according to which a man asked the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) about the Hour. He said: When will the Hour be? He said: “What have you prepared for it?” He said: Nothing, except that I love Allah and His Messenger (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him). He said: “You will be with those whom you love.” Anas said: We never rejoiced over anything as much as we rejoiced over the words of the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him), “You will be with those whom you love.” I love the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) and Abu Bakr and ‘Umar, and I hope that I will be with them by virtue of my love for them, even if I do not do deeds like theirs.
Al-Haafiz Ibn Hajar (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
“Being with” is attained merely by sharing a thing, but not necessarily sharing all things. If it so happens that they all enter Paradise, then “being with” is fulfilled, even if their degrees or levels vary. End quote,
Fath al-Baari(10/555)
The believers have in common the fact that they will be together in Paradise, even though their degrees or levels may vary. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And you (all) will be in three kinds (i.e. separate groups).
So those on the Right Hand (i.e. those who will be given their Records in their right hands), Who will be those on the Right Hand? (As a respect for them, because they will enter Paradise).
And those on the Left Hand (i.e. those who will be given their Record in their left hands), Who will be those on the Left Hand? (As a disgrace for them, because they will enter Hell).
And those foremost ((in Islamic Faith of Monotheism and in performing righteous deeds) in the life of this world on the very first call for to embrace Islam,) will be foremost (in Paradise).
These will be those nearest to Allah
In the Gardens of delight (Paradise)”
[al-Waaqi‘ah 56:7-12].
Al-Bukhaari (3256) and Muslim (2831) narrated from Abu Sa‘eed al-Khudri (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “The people of Paradise will see the people of the highest place in Paradise above them as you see a brilliant star far away on the horizon in the east or the west, because of the difference in status between them.” They said: O Messenger of Allah, is that the status of the Prophets that no one else will attain? He said: “No, by the One in Whose hand is my soul. They are men who believed in Allah and believed in the Messengers.”
Secondly:
Undoubtedly the Prophets, siddeeqs, martyrs, the righteous, those who are close to Allah, and those on the Right Hand are all categories of believers and righteous close friends of Allah, and they are all among those who obeyed Allah and obeyed His Messenger. But faith itself may vary, and its degrees may vary according to what is in people’s hearts. People of faith may also vary with regard to their deeds, for obedience to Allah and obedience to His Messenger is not all at the same level such that whoever attains that will find that no one else among those who obeyed Allah is ahead of him or behind him; rather they will all have various degrees and levels with their Lord. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Those Messengers! We preferred some to others; to some of them Allah spoke (directly); others He raised to degrees (of honour)”
[al-Baqarah 2:253].
As it is the case that some of the noble Messengers were preferred over others, then how about others among the ordinary believers and righteous people?
And Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Not equal are those of the believers who sit (at home), except those who are disabled (by injury or are blind or lame, etc.), and those who strive hard and fight in the Cause of Allah with their wealth and their lives. Allah has preferred in grades those who strive hard and fight with their wealth and their lives above those who sit (at home). Unto each, Allah has promised good (Paradise), but Allah has preferred those who strive hard and fight, above those who sit (at home) by a huge reward;
Degrees of (higher) grades from Him, and Forgiveness and Mercy. And Allah is Ever OftForgiving, Most Merciful”
[an-Nisa’ 4:95-96]
“The believers are only those who, when Allah is mentioned, feel a fear in their hearts and when His Verses (this Quran) are recited unto them, they (i.e. the Verses) increase their Faith; and they put their trust in their Lord (Alone);
Who perform As-Salat (IqamatasSalat) and spend out of that We have provided them.
It is they who are the believers in truth. For them are grades of dignity with their Lord, and Forgiveness and a generous provision (Paradise)”
[al-Anfaal 8:2-4].
Al-Waahidi (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
With regard to the words of Allah, may He be exalted, “For them are grades of dignity with their Lord”, ‘Ata’ said: This means that they will reach the degrees or levels of Paradise by virtue of their deeds. Something similar was stated by the commentators: they will have statuses, some of which will be higher than others, commensurate with their deeds.
End quote fromal-Baseet(10/24).
Ibn Katheer (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
The words “For them are grades of dignity with their Lord” mean: statuses and stations at the degrees or levels in Paradise, as Allah, may He be exalted, says elsewhere (interpretation of the meaning):“They are in varying grades with Allah, and Allah is All-Seer of what they do” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:163].
“and Forgiveness” i.e., forgiveness for their bad deeds and appreciation of their good deeds.
Ad-Dahhaak said concerning the words “For them are grades of dignity with their Lord”: Some of the people of Paradise will be above others, and the one who is higher will see his superiority over the one who is beneath him, whereas the one who is lower will not think that anyone is given precedence above him.
End quote fromTafseer Ibn Katheer(4/13).
Thirdly:
One of the favours that Allah will bestow upon His believing slaves is that He will cause children and wives to join their fathers and husbands in the degrees or levels of the latter, even if they did not attain that by their own deeds, so that they may have the joy of reunion. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Our Lord! And make them enter the Adn (Eden) Paradise (everlasting Gardens) which you have promised them, and to the righteous among their fathers, their wives, and their offspring! Verily, You are the All-Mighty, the All-Wise”
[Ghaafir 40:8].
At-Tabari (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
That is: Admit to the everlasting Gardens along with these people who repented “and follow[ed] Your Way” [Ghaafir 40:7] the righteous among their fathers, spouses and offspring, who did righteous deeds that were pleasing to You in the previous world.
It was stated that a man’s parents, children and wife will be admitted to Paradise along with him, even if they did not do deeds like his, by virtue of Allah’s mercy towards him.
End quote fromTafseer at-Tabari(21/356-357)
Ibn Katheer (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
The words “and to the righteous among their fathers, their wives, and their offspring” i.e., He will reunite them in Paradise with their loved ones, their parents, wives and children, among the believers who are fit to be admitted to Paradise, so that they may have the joy of reunion. He will even raise the one who is of lower status to the higher status, without that detracting from the status of the one who is higher. Rather that will be by the grace and kindness of Allah, as He, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And those who believe and whose offspring follow them in Faith, to them shall We join their offspring, and We shall not decrease the reward of their deeds in anything. Every person is a pledge for that which he has earned”
[at-Toor 52:21].
End quote fromTafseer Ibn Katheer(4/451)
And Allah knows best.

PUBLISHERM.NajimudeeN. MD,IRI