Family Issues, - The Ideal Muslim Woman and Her Husband Part 3

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.. Part 2 continued.... Talking about that which is private between a husband and wife is one of the most abhorrent ways of disclosing secrets. No-one does such a thing but the worst type of people. There are some secrets the disclosure of which is not as bad as disclosing this secret, but in any case, telling secrets at all is disliked and is unacceptable. Keeping secrets in itself is a worthy and virtuous deed, whilst disclosing them is a serious error and shortcoming, from which nobody can be immune except the infallible Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam). The disclosure of a secret that the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) had entrusted to Hafsah, who told it to ‘A’ishah, led to the plotting and intrigue in his household that caused him to keep away from his wives for a whole month, because he was so upset with them.50Concerning this, the followingayahwas revealed:
( When the Prophet disclosed a matter of confidence to one of his consorts, and she then divulged it [to another], and Allah made it known to him, he confirmed part thereof and repudiated a part. Then when he told her thereof, she said, ‘Who told you this?’ He said, ‘He told me Who knows and is well-acquainted [with all things].) (Qur’an 66:3)
The two women concerned are then confronted with their error, and called to repent, so that they might draw closer to Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) after having distanced themselves by their deed, otherwise Allah would be his (the Prophet’s) Protector, and Jibril and the righteous believers would also support him:
( If you two turn in repentance to Him, your hearts are indeed so inclined; but if you back up each other against him, truly Allah is his Protector, and Gabriel, and [every] righteous one among those who believe - and furthermore, the angels - will back [him] up.) (Qur’an 66:4)
Then they are issued with a stern warning and the terrifying prospect that if they persist in their error, they may lose the honor of being the wives of the Prophet:
( It may be, if he divorced you [all], that Allah will give him in exchange Consorts better than you - who submit [their wills], who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship [in humility], who travel [for Faith] and fast - previously married or virgins.) (Qur’an 66:5)
This incident presents a valuable lesson to the Muslim woman on the importance of keeping her husband’s secret, and the effect this confidentiality has on the stability of the individual and the home. One of the greatest blessings that Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) has bestowed on the Muslims in particular, and on mankind in general, is that he has made the public and private life of His Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) like an open book, in which can be read the teachings of this‘aqidahand its practical application in real life. Nothing is secret or hidden: matters and events that people usually keep secret are discussed openly in the Qur’an and Sunnah, even unavoidable human weaknesses. All of these issues are presented in order to teach people right from wrong.
TheSahabah, may Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) be pleased with them, understood that the Prophet’s life was entirely devoted to Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) and His message, so why should they keep secret or conceal any aspect of his life? The stories that have been narrated about his life, his household and his wives represent a practical application of the words he preached, and for this reason, theSahabah(may Allah reward them with all good) transmitted the most precise details of his life, and did not fail to record any aspect of his daily life, whether it was major or minor. This is part of the way in which Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) caused the life of his Prophet to be recorded, including details of the precise way in which Islamic teachings were applied in his life. This is in addition to the Qur’anic references to the Prophet’s life, which form a record that will remain until heaven and earth pass away.
She stands by him and offers her advice
One of the laws that Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) has decreed for this life is that men and women should work together to cultivate and populate the earth and run the affairs of life therein. Man cannot do without woman, and vice versa. Hence the laws of Islam teach men and women to co-operate in all matters. Islam encourages a man to help his wife, as much as he is able; the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), who is the example for all Muslims, used to help and serve his family until he went out to pray, as the Mother of the Believers ‘A’ishah said.51
Just as Islam expects a man to help his wife with housework and running household affairs, so the woman is also expected to help him in dealing with the outside world and to play her role in life by offering her opinions and advice, and supporting him in practical terms.
History tells us that Muslim women engaged injihadside by side with men, marching to war with them, bringing water to the thirsty, tending the wounded, setting broken bones, stemming the flow of blood, encouraging the soldiers, and sometimes joining in the actual fighting, running back and forth between the swords and spears, standing firm when some of the brave men had fled. Their courageous conduct in battle was praised by the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), as we have described previously (see pp. 69-91).
However, women’s contribution to public life did not stop on the battlefield; women also stood side-by-side with men at times of peace, offering their valuable opinions, soothing their hearts at times of stress and supporting them during times of hardship.
History has recorded many names of great Muslim men who used to seek and follow the advice of their wives, foremost among whom is the Prophet himself (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), who sometimes followed the advice of Khadijah, Umm Salamah, ‘A’ishah and others among his wives. ‘Abdullah ibn al-Zubayr used to follow the advice of his mother Asma’, al-Walid ibn ‘Abd al-Malik used to follow the advice of his wife Umm al-Banin bint ‘Abd al-’Aziz ibn Marwan, and Harun al-Rashid used to follow the advice of his wife Zubaydah, and there are many other such examples in the history of Islam.
The true, sincere Muslim woman understands the heavy burden that Islam has placed on her shoulders, by obliging her to be a good wife to her husband, to surround him with care and meet his every need, to give him enjoyment, and to renew his energy so that he may fulfill his mission in life. So she does not withhold her advice when she sees that he needs it, and she never hesitates to stand by his side, encouraging him, supporting him and offering advice and consolation.
The first Muslim woman, Khadijah bint Khuwaylid is the best example of a woman who influenced her husband. The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) came to her on the day of the first Revelation, anxious, trembling and shaking all over. He told her, “Cover me, cover me!” She hastened to offer her help and support, advising him and thinking of a practical way of helping him. Bukhari and Muslim report the story told by ‘A’ishah of how the Revelation commenced, and the marvellous way in which Khadijah responded by supporting her husband:
“The Revelation started in the form of a dream that came true, he never saw a dream but it would clearly come to pass. Then he was made to like seclusion, so he would go and stay alone in the cave of Hira’, praying and worshipping for many nights at a time, before coming back to his family to collect supplies for another period of seclusion. Then the truth came suddenly, when he was in the cave of Hira’. The angel came to him and said ‘Read!’ He said, ‘I am not a reader.’ [The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:] ‘The angel embraced me and squeezed me until I nearly passed out, then released me, and said, ‘Read!’ I said, ‘I am not a reader.’ The angels embraced me a second time, squeezed me until I nearly passed out, then released me and said, ‘Read!’ I said, ‘I am not a reader.’ The angel embraced me a third time and squeezed me until I nearly passed out, then released me and said:
( Read! In the name of your Rabb (Cherisher and Sustainer) and Cherisher, who created - created man, out of a [mere] clot of congealed blood: Read! And your Rabb (Cherisher and Sustainer) is Most Bountiful - He taught [the use of] the Pen - taught man that which he knew not.) (Qur’an 96:1-5)’”
Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) came back to Khadijah, trembling all over, and said, “Cover me, cover me!”. They covered him up until he calmed down, then he said to Khadijah, “O Khadijah, what is wrong with me?” He told her what had happened, then said, “I fear for myself.” Khadijah said: “No, rather be of good cheer, for by Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) would never forsake you. By Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) you uphold the ties of kinship, speak the truth, spend money on the needy, give money to the penniless, honor your guests and help those beset by difficulties. She took him to Waraqah ibn Nawfal ibn Asad ibn ‘Abd al-’Uzza, who was her cousin, the son of her father’s brother. He was a man who had become a Christian during the time ofjahiliyyah; he could write the Arabic script and he had written as much of the Gospel in Arabic as Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) willed. He was an old man who had become blind. Khadijah said to him, “O Uncle, listen to your nephew.” Waraqah ibn Nawfal said, “O son of my brother, what has happened?” Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) told him what had happened, and Waraqah said to him, “This is al-Namus (i.e., Jibril), who was sent down to Musa, upon whom be peace. I wish that I were a young man, and could be alive when your people cast you out.” Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) asked, “Will they really cast me out?” Waraqah said, “Yes. No man has ever come with what you have brought, but his people were hostile towards him. If I live to see that day I will give you all the support I can.”52
This report is strong evidence of Khadijah’s wifely perfection, wisdom, strength of character, steadfastness, understanding and deep insight. She knew the Prophet’s outstanding character, good conduct and purity of heart, and this made her certain that Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) would never forsake a man such as Muhammad(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) or permit any bad fate to befall him. She knew that behind this remarkable new event that had overwhelmed Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) lay something great that Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) had prepared for His Messenger, so she spoke her kind and sweet words of encouragement, filling him with confidence, tranquility and firm conviction: “Be of good cheer, O cousin, and stand firm. By the One in Whose hand is the soul of Khadijah, I hope that you will be the Prophet of this nation.”53Then she took him to her cousin Waraqah ibn Nawfal, who had knowledge of the Torah and Gospel, and told him what had happened to the Prophet.
The first Mother of the Believers, Khadijah (May Allah be pleased with her), was a sincere adviser in the way of Islam to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam). She had already earned the great status and lasting fame of being the first person to believe in Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) and His Messenger, and she stood beside her husband the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), supporting him and helping him to bear the worst oppression and persecution that he faced at the beginning of his mission; she endured along with him every hardship and difficulty that he was confronted with.
Ibn Hisham says in hisSirah: “Khadijah had faith, and believed in what he brought from Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala). In this way, Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) helped His Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam). Whenever he heard any hateful words of rejection or disbelief that upset him, Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) would cause his spirits to be lifted when he came back to her. She encouraged him to be patient, believed in him, and made it easier for him to bear whatever the people said or did. May Allah have mercy on her.”54
She was a woman who always spoke the truth, and carried this burden sincerely. It is no surprise that she earned the pleasure of Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) and deserved to be honor ed by Him, so He conveyed the greeting ofsalamto her through His Messengers Jibril and Muhammad(sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), and gave her glad tidings of a house in Paradise, as is stated in the hadith narrated by Abu Hurayrah:
“Jibril came to the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and said: ‘O Messenger of Allah, Khadijah is coming to you with vessels containing food and drink. When she comes to you, convey to her the greeting ofsalamfrom her Rabb (Cherisher and Sustainer) and from me, and give her the glad tidings of a house of pearls in Paradise, in which there is no noise or hard work.”55
The true Muslim woman puts her mind to good work, thinks hard and gives advice to her husband at times when he may be most in need of advice. By doing so, she does a great favor for her husband, and this is one of the ways in which she may treat him well.
Another of these great stories which feature correct advice given by a woman is the reaction of the Muslims to the treaty of al-Hudaybiyah, and Umm Salamah’s reaction, which demonstrated her deep insight and great wisdom.
Umm Salamah (radhiallahu anha) was one of those who were with the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) when he went to Makkah to perform ‘Umrah in 6 AH. This is the journey which was interrupted by Quraysh, who prevented the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and his Companions from reaching the Ka’bah. The treaty of al-Hudaybiyah was drawn up between the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) and Quraysh. This was a peace-treaty which was intended to put an end to the fighting for ten years; it was also agreed that if anyone from Quraysh came to Muhammad without the permission of his guardian, he would be returned, but if any of the Muslims came to Quraysh, he would not be returned, and that the Muslims would go back that year without entering Makkah, etc.
By virtue of his deep understanding that was derived from the guidance of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) understood that this treaty, which appeared to be quite unfair to the Muslims, was in fact something good and represented a great victory for Islam and the Muslims.
TheSahabah, however, were dismayed when they learned the content of the treaty. They saw it as unfair and unjust, especially as they had the upper hand at that time. ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab expressed the angry feelings of theSahabahwhen he went to Abu Bakr and asked him: “Is he not Allah’s Messenger ?” Abu Bakr said, “Of course.” “Are we not Muslims?” “Yes.” “Are they notmushrikin?” “Yes.” “Why should we accept this deal which is so humiliating to our religion?” Abu Bakr warned him, “O ‘Umar, follow his orders. I bear witness that he is Allah’s Messenger .” Umar said, “And I bear witness that he is Allah’s Messenger .” Then ‘Umar went to Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam), and asked him questions similar to those he had asked Abu Bakr. But when he asked, “Why should we accept this deal which is so humiliating to our religion?” the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) replied, “I am the servant of Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) and His Messenger; I will never disobey His command, and He will never forsake me.”56
Then ‘Umar realized that his haste to oppose the treaty was a mistake. He used to say, “I kept giving charity, fasting, praying and freeing slaves because of what I had done and said on that day, until I hoped that ultimately it would be good for me (because it made me perform so many good deeds).”57
When the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) had ratified the treaty, he commanded his Companions to get up, slaughter their sacrificial animals, and shave their heads, but none of them got up58. He told them three times to do this, but not one of them responded. He went to his wife Umm Salamah, and told her what he was facing from the people. At this point the wisdom and intelligence of Umm Salamah become quite clear: she told him, “O Messenger of Allah, go out and do not speak to any of them until you have sacrificed your animal and shaved your head.”
The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) took her advice, and did as she suggested. When theSahabahsaw that, they rushed to sacrifice their animals, pushing one another aside, and some of them began to shave one another’s heads, until they were almost fighting with one another because of their distress and grief, and their regret for having disobeyed the Prophet.59
After that, the Muslims came back to their senses, and they understood the Prophet’s great wisdom in agreeing to this treaty, which in fact was a manifest victory, because many more people entered Islam after it than had before. InSahih Muslimit states that theayah,
( Verily We have granted you a manifest Victory) (Qur’an 48:1) referred to the treaty of al-Hudaybiyah. The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) sent for ‘Umar and recited thisayahto him. ‘Umar said, “O Messenger of Allah, it is really a victory?” He said, “Yes,” so then ‘Umar felt at peace.60
She encourages her husband to spend for the sake of Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala)
Another way in which the true Muslim woman supports her husband is by encouraging him to spend and give charity for the sake of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) and not to waste money in extravagance and ostentatious purchases, as we see so many ignorant and misguided women doing.
The alert Muslim woman always wants goodness and success for her husband, so she urges him to do good deeds, and to do more of them, because she believes that by doing this, she will increase her honor in this world and her reward in the next.
One of the beautiful stories narrated about a woman’s encouraging her husband to spend for the sake of Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) is the story of Umm al-Dahdah. When her husband came to her and told her that he had given in charity the garden in which she and her children used to live, in hopes of receiving a bunch of dates61in Paradise, she said, “You have got a good deal, you have got a good deal.” The Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) commented, “How many bunches of dates Abu’l-Dahdah will have in Paradise!” and he repeated this several times.62
She helps him to obey Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala)
One of the qualities of the good Muslim wife is that she helps her husband to obey Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) in different ways, especially to stay up and pray at night (qiyam al-layl). By doing this, she does him an immense favor, because she reminds him to do something he might otherwise forget or neglect. Thus she causes him, and herself, to be covered by the mercy of Allah.
What a beautiful picture the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) drew of the married couple helping one another to obey Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) and do good deeds, and entering into the mercy of Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) together. This comes in the hadith narrated by Abu Hurayrah (radhiallahu anhu), who said:
“ Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said: ‘May Allah have mercy on the man who gets up at night to pray and wakes up his wife to pray, and if she refuses, he sprinkles water in her face. And may Allah have mercy on the woman who gets up at night to pray, and wakes her husband up to pray, and if he refuses, she sprinkles water in his face.”63
She fills his heart with joy
The clever and sensitive Muslim woman does not forget that one of the greatest deeds she can do in life, after worshipping Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) is to be successful in endearing herself to her husband and filling his heart with joy, so that he will feel in the depths of his heart that he is happy to be married to her, and enjoys living with her and being in her company. So she uses her intelligence to find ways and means of opening his heart and filling it with joy and happiness, so that she may become the queen of his heart.
She understands that she is the greatest joy of a man in this world, as is stated in the hadith narrated by ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr ibn al-’As (radhiallahu anhu), in which the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said:
“This world is nothing but temporary conveniences, and the greatest joy in this world is a righteous woman.”64
She does not forget that she is the greatest joy in this life for a man, if she knows how to endear herself to him. If she does not know how to endear herself to him then in most cases she will be a source of unhappiness and misery to her husband, as was confirmed by the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam):
“Three things make the son of Adam happy, and three make him miserable. Among the things that make the son of Adam happy are a good wife, a good home and a good means of transport; the things that make him miserable are a bad wife, a bad home and a bad means of transport.”65
Hence being a good wife, and endearing oneself to one’s husband, are a part of religion, because this offers protection to a man by helping him to remain chaste, and strengthens the foundations of the family, thus bringing happiness to her husband and children.
The Muslim woman by nature likes to endear herself to her husband; in doing so she finds a way of fulfilling her femininity and her inclinations to make herself attractive. But for the Muslim woman, the matter goes even further: in seeking to win her husband’s heart, she is also seeking to earn the pleasure of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) Who has made being a good wife a part of religion, about which she will be questioned in the Hereafter. So she does not spare any effort in her loving treatment of her husband: she presents a pleasing appearance, speaks pleasantly and kindly, and is a clever and likeable companion.
She makes herself beautiful for him
She makes herself beautiful for her husband by means of make-up, clothing, etc., so that she will appear more beautiful and attractive, and thus make her husband happy. This was the practice of the righteous women of thesalaf, who used to devote their time to worshipping Allah and reading Qur’an. Foremost among them were ‘A’ishah (radhiallahu anha) and others; they used to wear fine clothes and jewelry at home and when they were traveling, in order to make themselves look beautiful for their husbands.
Bakrah bint ‘Uqbah came to ‘A’ishah (radhiallahu anha) and asked her about henna. ‘A’ishah said, “It comes from a good tree and pure water.” She asked her about removing body hair, and she said, “If you have a husband, and you could remove your eyes and replace them with something better, then do it.”66
Let those careless women who neglect their appearance in front of their husbands listen to the advice of ‘A’ishah, and realize that their beauty should be primarily for their husbands, not for their friends and peers. Those women who are failing to make themselves beautiful for their husbands are sinners, because they are falling short in one of the greatest duties of marriage. Their negligence may be the cause of their husbands staying away from them and looking at other women.
The wife whose husband only ever sees her with unkempt hair, looking pale and wan and wearing shabby old clothes, is a foolish and disobedient wife. It will be of no help to her if she rushes to beautify herself only when receiving guests, or going to a women’s party, but remains looking shabby most of the time in front of her husband. I think that the Muslim woman who is truly guided by the teachings of Islam will be safe from such shortcomings, because she treats her husband properly, and a woman who treats her husband properly is most unlikely to fail in fulfilling her duty towards him.
It is one of the teachings of Islam that a woman should make herself look beautiful for her husband, so that her husband should only ever see of her that which he likes. So it is forbidden for a woman to dress in mourning for more than three days, except in the case of her husband’s death, when she is permitted to mourn for four months and ten days. We find proof of this in the hadith narrated by Bukhari from Zaynab the daughter of Umm Salamah, who said, “I came to Zaynab bint Jahsh, the wife of the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) when her brother died. She called for perfume and applied it to herself, then said, “I am not wearing perfume because I need to, but because I heard Allah’s Messenger (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) say from theminbar:
“It is not permitted for a woman who believes in Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) and the Last Day to grieve for more than three days, except for her husband, (for whom she may grieve) four months and ten days.”67
She is cheerful and grateful when she meets him
One of the ways in which the Muslim woman makes herself attractive to her husband is by being happy, cheerful, friendly and gentle, thus flooding her husband’s life with joy. When he comes home exhausted from his work, she greets him with a smiling face and kind words. She puts her own concerns to one side for a while, and helps him to forget some of his worries. She appears as cheerful and serene as she can, and expresses her gratitude to him every time he does something good for her.
The true Muslim woman is fair-minded, and is never ungrateful to any person, because the teachings of her religion protect her from falling into the error of bad behavior and ingratitude for favors. How then could she be ungrateful to her husband, her beloved lifelong companion? She knows well the teaching of the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam):
“He does not thank Allah who does not thank people.”68
She understands from this that every person who does good deeds and favors deserves thanks and recognition, so how could she hesitate or fail to show gratitude to her husband, especially when she hears the words of the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam):
“Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) will not look at the woman who does not thank her husband at the time when she cannot do without him.”69
She shares his joys and sorrows
Another of the ways in which a woman may endear herself to her husband is by sharing his joys and sorrows. So she joins him in some of his pastimes, and his daily work, such as reading, exercise, and attending useful talks and gatherings, and so on, so that her husband will feel that he is not alone in his enjoyment of the good things in life, but that he is sharing these pleasures with a loving, intelligent and loyal wife.
The fact that the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) raced with ‘A’ishah more than once indicates the fact that Islam urges both spouses to share their partner’s joy and happiness in life, because this sharing will have a powerful effect in deepening their feelings for one another and strengthening the bonds between them.
Just as she shares his joys, so she also shares his worries and concerns, and comes to him with kind words of consolation, mature and sensible advice and sincere emotional support.
She does not look at other men
The true Muslim woman avoids looking at men other than her husband; she does not stare at men who are not related to her (i.e. who are not hermahrams), in obedience to the command of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala) :
( And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze . . .) (Qur’an 24:31).
By refraining from looking at other men, she will be one of those chaste women who restrain their glances, which is a quality men like in women, because it is indicative of their purity, decency and fidelity. This is one of the most beautiful characteristics of the chaste, decent, pure Muslim woman, and this was referred to in the Qur’an when it speaks of the women of Paradise and their qualities that are loved by men:
( In them will be [Maidens] chaste, restraining their glances, whom no man orjinnbefore them has touched.) (Qur’an 55:56)
She does not describe other women to him
Another of the characteristics of the intelligent Muslim woman is that she does not describe any of her (female) friends or acquaintances to him, because this is forbidden according to the words of the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam):
“No woman should talk about another woman, or describe her to her husband (so that it is) as if he sees her.”70... To be continued....

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