Marital Life, - The Impact of the Art of Listening and Understanding Between Spouses

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All families have problems. Misunderstanding and lack of listening between the spouses occurs for one reason or another. However, there are various degrees of this, some of which are endurable and considered normal in all families, whereas others are agonizing and abnormal. The latter leads to family disintegration and the breaking of its tight chain, but this does not happen in all families. Undoubtedly, where there is smoke, there is fire and there is a medicine for every disease. When the disease is diagnosed, it would be easy to prescribe the medicine. Mutual understanding between the spouses plays a great role in maintaining a stable marital life and has a significant effect in uprooting the causes of daily problems. Otherwise, the problem aggravates, inflates and is difficult to solve, which leads to unfavorable consequences.
Both spouses are required to be frank and clear and express their feelings with each other. Moreover, each of them should be understating and modest and be an open book for the other. It is hard to decide who bears the greater part of the responsibility here. The husband leaves his home and returns at the end of the day with his mind occupied by many things away from his home. He keeps thinking about many things that are related to his work and interrelated relations that the woman does not have. The wife, on the other hand, is overburdened with the tasks of her home, the rights of her husband and the hardship that she faces in raising her children. This is in addition to her nature where her reason is usually overpowered by emotion and, hence, she is affected by the least things. This is why the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, in more than oneHadeethinstructed that she should be kindly treated by men.
Indeed both the husband and the wife are responsible for this issue and each of them should give it due its attention if they want the ship to proceed and life to be stable. It is one form of association that Allaah The Exalted commands in the Quran.
Had the wife known what occupies her husband's mind when he returns from work and how exhausted he is, she would have received him in the best way, wiped her hand over that tiredness and hardship, and opened her heart to contain his suffering and pain. He, therefore, would regain his energy, forget the tiredness that he feels and the effort that he exerted, and regain his energy as if he had not been exhausted in the first place. However, what actually happens is that she immediately receives him by telling him about what happened to her or her neighbors, or even what happened between her and her family as well as other hopes for the future, and this is not kind association. It is also not wise of her to hasten to talk to him at the time when he needs peace and tranquility.
Rather, she should listen to him and show great interest in everything that he says. When he takes his sufficient portion of rest, affection and love as well as affability and nearness, she can tell him anything she wants if she sees readiness in his eyes. In such a case, she will find an open heart and listening ears. It is not wise of the wife to talk when silence is required or keep silent when talking is required. She should take the Mother of the Believers, Khadeejah, may Allaah be pleased with her, as her example. She never saw the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, troubled without doing her best to divert him, remove his worry and promote his energy and zeal.
In aHadeethon the authority of ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, she said,
When Jibreel ]Gabriel[, may Allaah exalt his mention, revealed to the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, the beginning of Soorah Al-‘Alaq, he came back with it while his heart was pounding severely. He entered into the presence of Khadeejah bint Khuwaylid, may Allaah be pleased with her, and said:‘Cover me! Cover me!’They ]his family[ covered him until his fear subsided and after that he told her everything that had happened and said:‘I feared that something might happen to me.’Khadeejah, may Allaah be pleased with her, said, ‘Never! By Allaah, Allaah will never fail you. You maintain the ties of kinship, help the poor and the destitute, serve your guests generously and assist those who are afflicted with adversity.’ Khadeejah, may Allaah be pleased with her, then accompanied him to her cousin Waraqah ibn Nawfal ibn Asad ibn ‘Abdul-‘Uzza……."]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[
Ibn Hajar, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said,"From the benefits of this story is that it is recommended to relieve the person who is afflicted by adversity by diverting him and making it easy for him. It is also recommended for the person who is afflicted with an adversity to tell the one whose advice and sound opinion he trusts."
In aHadeethon the authority of Husayn ibn Mihsan, may Allaah be pleased with him, he said that his aunt said to him.“I came to the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, for something, and he said: ‘O you, Do you have a husband?’‘Yes,’I replied. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, asked: ‘How do you treat him?’I replied, ‘I fulfill all his rights unless I am incapable of doing so.’ The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:‘You have to think about how you treat him for he is your Paradise and Hell.’”]Al-Haakim[ The wife who knows this, when her husband gets angry with her, mistreats her or she disobeys him, she would say, “Here is my hand in your hand. I will not sleep unless you are satisfied with me.” When there is anger, she hastens to him and does not wait or try to discover who is wrong because the matter is greater than that - he is the reason for her entering either Paradise or Hell.
On his part, the husband should appreciate his wife’s suffering all day long at home with the children. He should be patient with her and realize that she has been waiting for him all day to tell him about how she feels. He should be a good listener and show interest in what she is interested in. If the husband understands the nature of women, he will know that talking is one of their desires, especially when it is related to something that concerns their lives.
Moreover, she washes his clothes, prepares his food, brings up his children and satisfies his desires. He has to take the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, as his example. In more than one place, he instructed that women should be kindly treated. This was even mentioned in the sermon of his Farewell Pilgrimage, the last advice the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, offered hisUmmah)nation(. The one who neglects this is actually neglecting the last advice of the Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam. He gave us a good example when he sat listening to ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with him, while she was telling him about the story of Umm Zar‘ that included the conditions of eleven women with their husbands. InSaheeh Muslim, theHadeethis mentioned in six full pages. At the end of the story, the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said to her:“I am for you as Abu Zar‘ was for Umm Zar’.”Although the story was very long and contained eloquent words, the Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, did not get bored and at the end said the words that pleased his wife and made her happy. This incident indicates that the Messenger of Allaah,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was not assuming this manner pretentiously, but that it was actually part of his natural demeanor.
Commenting on the verse in which Allaah The Exalted Says )what means(:}And live with them in kindness.{]Quran 4: 19[, Sayyid Qutb, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said beautiful words in this respect. He said,
The Islam that believes the house to be a repose and a source of security and peace, and believes the marital relation to be a source of affection, mercy and affability and establishes this bond on absolute choice to be built on response, kindness and love, is the same Islam that addresses husbands by the content of the verse where Allaah The Exalted Says )what means(:}For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allaah makes therein much good.{]Quran 4:19[ This is meant to preserve the tie of marriage from breaking with the first whim and to keep the seriousness of this important human institution so that it should not be subjected to the whim of one's unstable emotions and the ugliness of inclinations.
When there is understanding between the spouses and they both agree on a particular way for maintaining this understanding, and each of them is a good listener to the other and shows his interest in what the other is interested in, life becomes quiet and happy, mercy prevails, tranquility descends, affection surrounds it, and it becomes full of love and harmony.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M