'You' and 'I': The Art of Communication in MaritalLife – II

There is a huge difference between a positive statement such as: "I
always look forwardto you returning home inthe evening to see you and
talk to you" , and a negative one such as: "You never care to listen
to me even when we meet in the evening."
The use of the pronoun"I" in conversation is more influential and more
effective than the use of the pronoun"you"; and "I" always reduces the
severity of what you want to say. Tryto compare the followingtwo
statements:
· "You don't care about the condition of the house" which is construed
by the listener to be an accusation of negligence.
· "I feel lonely when I am doing the housework", which means the wife
bears the responsibility for doing the housework even if she feels
lonely, and she does the housework alone.
Dear brothers and sisters:
When the spouses use the subjective pronoun "I" more often in their
dialogue, and include positive meanings in their words, their
relationship will improve immediately and noticeably, and they may
find solutions for their problems once they improve their manner of
conversation and dialogue.
It is true that it is not easy to start using the subjective pronoun
"I". This depends on the decision taken by each ofthe spouses to start
bearing responsibility fortheir feelings and needs, and expressing
themselves wisely. This requires the person to acquire a special skill
in the ability to talk about oneself.
The use of the subjective pronoun "I" means that one will no longer
use expressions such as: "You always…", "You never…","You make me
feel…", which will be replaced with such expressions as: "I feel… ",
"I wish…", "I do not want to...".
Three important words that help one acquire theskills of listening and
talking are: feelings, needs and wishes. These simple expressions: "I
feel" , "I need" , and "I wish" transmit to others what we like to say
about ourselves, and what we need from others to help us. For example,
we could say:
"I have been feeling so stressed out and tired lately."
"I need some rest."
"I wish you could understand what this means to me, so you could help
me find a way to rest."
What is more important is that a person speaks subjectively, and talks
about his own feelings briefly. It is difficult for some people to
acquire this skill; and they may need a lot of encouragement and
patience if they are slow in this respect.
In conclusion:
In this article, we have seen the means by which we can talk to each
othermore effectively. Thus, instead of blaming one another, by saying
"you" more than "I", it is important that one should talk positively
andsubjectively, i.e. about himself, by using the subjective pronoun
"I" more often. This helps us express our feelings, needs and wishes,
especially when learning the skills of listening and talking, and
keeping the channels of communication open with the other party.
Dear husband and wife,
The best way to practice the art of communicationis not to blame the
other by using "you", but instead, to try to use suchpositive words as
"I" to express our feelings, needs and wishes. An earnest attempt to
change what is said or done by the other party into something positive
can help one appreciate or, at least, understand them better.
For example, you could say, "I am sorry that things have been tough
and difficult for you lately", or you could interrupt the speech by
saying: "I can't express how happy I am that you are listening to me
like this! How comfortable this makes me feel!"
"I" is intended to express one's purpose:
We can express our purpose by using phrasesstarting with "I" such
as:"I want", "I mean", "I would like to", and "I intend to". When we
fail to express ourselves clearly, this failure leads to confusion and
ambiguity, for the other party would not understand our wishes and
purposes.
Choosing the right words:
Long-term relationships like marriage are characterized by habits that
may cause each of the spouses to be heedless of what they says to
their life partner, for each partner depends, in choosing words, on
habit rather than on conscious selection. Hence, words of
encouragement are lost and replaced with others that lead to tension
and discontentment.
The following are some of the negative frustrating expressions that
are often used: "You will never change" , "You're always cranky" ,
"You're wrong, and this is not the first time." We notice that "you"
is most often used to express negative words and emotions.
Examples of encouraging words and expressions are: "I love you" , "I
need you" , "I respect the way you handle matters. I likeit" , "Can I
help you?" We notice here that the word "I" is essential to
allpositive encouraging expressions.
Things to do:
1- Train yourself to use this manner of communication with your
husband this week, and remember to use "I" instead of "you", and use
your emotional intelligence in your reactions and dialogue with your
husband.
2- The use of "I" instead of "you" is one of the ways you can keep
communication open between you and your husband. It implies the
concept of bearing responsibility, and carriespositive meanings to
encourage the other party to continue with the dialogue.

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