Praised Manners - , Ruling on accepting an invitation, and the conditions for doing so .

Sometimes I am invited to a meal or to a party. What should I do if
thesegatherings are mostly filled with backbiting, slander, showing
off andcompeting in clothes, where they make fun of those who wear
simple clothes (like me)? There may also be gossip, and Ihave
housework to do (I don't want to bring a servant, but nearly everyone
who attends these parties has a servant so she has free time).
My husband and my house need me, and every moment I spend athome
matters in sha Allaah. This is my primary mission. I also want to
spend any extra time I have in reading Qur'aan or a useful book. I
don't want to attend worldly gatherings whose harm, as I see it,
outweighs thebenefits – if there are any benefits. Please advise me,
how should I deal with this? What suitable excuse can I give for not
attending, ifI have the right not to attend?
What should I do if the hostess of the party looks down on me and
enjoys seeing me in an embarrassing situation and talks about me? Do I
have to accept her invitation?
Praise be to Allaah.
It was narrated in Saheeh al-Bukhaari (1164) and Saheeh Muslim (4022)
that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: "I heard the
Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) say:
'The rights of a Muslim over his fellow Muslim are five: returning
greetings, visiting the sick, attending funerals, accepting
invitations, and saying Yarhamuk Allaah (may Allaah have mercy on you)
when he sneezes.'"
The scholars divided the invitations which the Muslim is commanded
toaccept into two categories:
1 – Invitation to a wedding party (waleemah). The majority of scholars
said that it is obligatory to accept such an invitation, unless there
isa legitimate shar'i excuse – some such excuses will be mentioned
below, in shaAllaah. The evidence (daleel) that it is obligatory to
accept these invitations is the hadeeth narrated by al-Bukhaari (4779)
and Muslim (2585) from Abu Hurayrah, that the Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The worst kind of food is
thefood of a wedding feast that is withheld from those who would come
and to which people are invited who mayrefuse it. Whoever does not
accept the invitation hasdisobeyed Allaah and HisMessenger."
2 – Invitation to various kinds of gatherings other than
wedding-feasts. The majority of scholars say that accepting these
invitations is mustahabb,and no one differed from that apart from some
of the Shaafa'is and Zaahiris, who said it is obligatory. If we say
that it is strongly mustahabb that is close enough. And Allaah knows
best.
But the scholars have stipulated conditions foraccepting an
invitation; if these conditions are not met then it is not obligatory
or mustahabbto accept the invitation, rather it may be haraam to
attend. These conditions were summed up by Shaykh Muhammad ibn
'Uthaymeen, who said:
1- There should be nothing objectionable (munkar) in the place
where the party etc. is tobe held. If there is something
objectionableand it is possible to remove it, then it is obligatory to
attend for two reasons: to accept the invitation and to change the
objectionable thing. If it is not possible to removeit then it is
haraam to attend.
2- The person who invited him should not be someone whom it is
obligatory or Sunnah to forsake (such as one who openly commits
immoral actions or sin, where forsaking him may be of benefit in
bringing about his repentance).
3- The person who invited him should be a Muslim. If he is not,
then it is not obligatory to accept the invitation, because the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "The rights
of a Muslim over his fellow Muslim are five…"
4- The food offered should be permissible for us to eat.
5- Accepting the invitation should not lead to ignoring a more
important duty; if that is the case then it is haraam to accept the
invitation.
6- It should not cause any trouble to the person who is invited.
For example, if he needs to travel or to leave his family who need him
there, and so on. (al-Qawl al-Mufeed, 3/111).
Some scholars added:
7- If the host issued a general invitation, saying that everyone
is welcome, then it is not obligatory to accept the invitation.
From the above it shouldbe clear to you that you do not have to accept
such invitations, rather itmay be haraam for you to do so, if you
cannot change the reprehensible things (munkar) or if your attending
the gatherings will affect your duties towards your husband and
children and prevent you from taking care of them as you are supposed
to do. Moreover you will not besafe from their evil and harm. This is
an excuse which frees you from having to accept invitation which you
areobliged to accept, let alone those which are not obligatory at all.
Women should also notethat they have to ask their husband's permission
to go out to parties etc. to which they are invited. You should advise
these sisters to try to make thebest use of their time and their
gatherings in ways that will benefit them either in religious or
worldly terms. For theMessenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) warned us of the consequences of attending
gatherings in which Allaah is not mentioned. He (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said: "No people sit in a gatheringin which
they do not remember Allaah or sendblessings upon their Prophet, but
they will regret it, if He wills He will punish them and if He wills
He will forgive them." (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3302; he said, this
is a saheeh hasan hadeeth. It was also classed as saheeh byal-Albaani
in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi, 3/140)
In Sunan Abi Dawood (4214) and elsewhere it is narrated that Abu
Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: "The Messenger of
Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: 'People who
get upfrom an assembly in which they did not remember Allaah will be
just as if they had got upfrom a donkey's carcass, and it will be a
cause of grief to them." (Classed as saheeh by al-Nawawi in Riyaadh
al-Saaliheen, 321, and by al-Albaani).
Convey this advice to them, either verbally or in writing. In
addition, you could invite them to your house and make the most of
this opportunity to hold a dhikr circle, in addition to doing some
permissible things that they will like. Perhaps Allaah will make you
the means of starting a goodtrend of benefiting fromsuch gatherings.
And Allaah is the Source of strength.