Family, - *Our Father Favors Our Brother Over Us - I

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A child’s memoir:
I was finally born after nine months in my mother’s womb; that dark and narrow place that forced me to stay in strange positions. Later, I discovered that my birth was a happy event that my family had eagerly awaited and my mother was counting the days and getting happier as her abdomen got larger.
When I kicked her for the first time, she went hurriedly to my grandmother to tell her. Her only entertainment during the waiting period was sewing the clothes that I would wear in my new life.
They had long discussions about my name if I was a boy or a girl!
My mother started reading books about raising children and asked my grandmother about the pains of childbirth anxiously. Then, I was born.
They were very kind to me and my parents used to hurry whenever they heard me making the least noise. They spent many nights awake when I caught any common disease like a cough or stomach ache. They never stopped carrying, kissing and pampering me. Since my birth, I felt as if I had ascended the throne of their hearts. The bigger I grew, the more I felt their love and appreciation for me and I used to love and appreciate them in return.
In short, I spent happy days, during which I was the center of attention of my whole family.
Life was good in my eyes and I believed that my happiness would last forever. This distracted me from noticing that my mother’s abdomen was getting larger and I completely ignored the talks about the newborn.
After that, some changes started happening in my life. They transferred me from my bed, where I used to sleep since my birth inside my parent’s room, to another room and a new bed to make space for the newborn.
At this moment, I started harboring bad feelings towards the intruder that had disturbed my family life and I did not know that the worst had not yet happened.
My mother started speaking about the sex of the newborn and its name. I also found her preparing his new clothes and noticed that history repeats itself. I began watching this new development with interest in order to determine my stand.
Once I searched for my mother but I did not find her. I asked my grandmother, who had come to our house the night before, about her and she told me that my mother was in hospital to give birth to my little brother who would amuse me and play with me. In fact, this pleased me so much because I had actually been bored with loneliness.
When I heard the doorbell, I ran towards my mother and expected that she would greet me warmly. However, she met me calmly and I knew that she was very tired due to the delivery.
This new child occupied my father and mother and completely took their attention away from me.
Amidst this disappointment, I looked at this intruder and said to myself, “Is this the new child?
When this child came to the house, everything turned against me. This child completely distracted my father and mother from me. They only speak about him and play with him. I felt that their love for me has changed.”
One day, I saw my mother breastfeeding this child from her breast. You can imagine this; she gave him the part which was exclusively mine!
Since that moment, I had a feeling that I now call “jealousy”.
At the beginning, this jealousy was simple, because I thought that the child would only stay for a few days in the house. Once, I even said to my mother to take him back to the hospital because I had played with him enough. However, I later discovered that it was not that easy and that he was going to stay for a long time.
So, I decided to defend my entity and my status more clearly through beating and biting my brother. Sometimes, I would behave smartly by embracing him and applying pressure strongly to strangle him. In fact, this was a result of conflicting feelings of love and jealousy.
I often directed my jealousy and anger against my mother through breaking plates to anger her and get her attention at the same time.
When this behavior failed to get my family’s attention, I tried to get back to the happy days of my early childhood. So, I started sucking my fingers and wetting my bed at night. Nevertheless, all of this was fruitless.
Gradually, jealousy transformed into hatred and I felt jealous of whoever tried to compete with me. This transformed my life into a series of personal failures until I became an introvert who hates society and every successful person.
Even the sons of Jacob, may Allaah exalt his mention, fell prey to jealousy:
Jealousy is an expected feeling from a child who loses his parents’ attention and interest. Each child has emotional needs including his need for love, appreciation, success and coddling. Such needs should be satisfied, because the failure of the parents in this respect will give space for jealousy in the child’s heart, especially in case of having a newborn.
The Quran refers to jealousy in Soorah Yoosuf, when the sons of Jacob felt jealous of their brother. Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}When they said, "Joseph and his brother are more beloved to our father than we, while we are a clan. Indeed, our father is in clear error. * Kill Joseph or cast him out to ]another[ land; the countenance of your father will ]then[ be only for you, and you will be after that a righteous people."{]Quran 12:8-9[
Consider how their jealousy drove them to the plan to murder their brother.
That is why the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, used to command us to be evenhanded with our children to avoid this dangerous sickness.
The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said,“Be evenhanded with your children in ]terms of giving gifts[.”]At-Tabaraani[
Anas, may Allaah be pleased with him, reported that a man was sitting with the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, when his son came to him. The man kissed the boy and placed him on his thigh. Then, a daughter of this man came and he seated her in front of him. Thereupon, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said,“Would you treat them equally?”
Look at the following intelligent woman who was aware of the importance of treating all her children fairly. Anas ibn Maalik, may Allaah be pleased with him, said, "A woman came to 'Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, and 'Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, gave her three dates. She gave each of her two children a date and kept one date for herself. The children ate the two dates and then looked at their mother. She took her date, split in it two, and gave each child half of it. The Prophet, sallaalahu `alayhi wa sallam, came and 'Aa’ishah, may Allaah have mercy uupon him, told him about it. He said:'Why are you surprised at that? Allaah has shown her mercy because of her mercy towards her children.'”
Allaah The Almighty had mercy upon that mother because she was compassionate towards her children by giving them precedence over herself, and because she treated them equally.

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Family, - *Our Father Favors Our Brother Over Us - II

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Jealousy is misery and enmity:
Jealousy is common in children aged 1-5 years, but this emotion and feeling may be so overwhelming to the extent that it will disturb the child’s social adjustment.
In this case, jealousy is the origin of all the strange and abnormal behavior of the child, because, the jealous child can never feel safe or happy and his social interaction would be very little. He bottles up his sorrows until he feels that the whole world is working against him. This transforms the child into a source of trouble and misery for the whole family. However, we should note that jealousy takes many forms and all of them aim at getting attention.
Here are some examples of jealous children:
- He fights a lot with the other children and his behavior is aggressive
- He demands that his mother devotes all her time to him
- He is always bored, frowning and wants to be alone
- He is shy and does not have the courage to face the usual daily problems
We found that the feeling of jealousy is the cause of all of these problems. This feeling always arises from trivial reasons that were present in the child’s life when he was young. These reasons include the following:
• Ridiculing the child by giving him a funny or humiliating name.
• Birth of a new child and making him the center of attention of the whole family and neglecting the elder child.
• When parents show kindness to other children in front of their children
• Praising the child’s sister or brother continually and referring to him/her as the example that everyone should follow, in addition to highlighting the faults and failure of the jealous child
If the child had a strong jealousy problem during his early childhood, it is most likely that it will remain with him for the rest of his life. The jealous child cannot be in harmony with his peers and this disappoints him greatly. This in turn makes him feel that he is unlucky, neglected, and wronged. Hence, he would start isolating himself until he turns into an introvert.
He may fall prey to despair or become very violent to get attention. Over time, this feeling grows until it prevents him from sharing other people’s feelings and it becomes impossible for him to watch others’ success without showing explicit discontent. Of course, this attitude makes people hate the jealous and envious person and this causes him to believe that they mean to treat him badly. In most cases, jealousy transforms into an overwhelming grudge that can lead to the worst consequences.
Jealousy and selfishness:
Jealously is not intrinsic or inherent; rather, it is a result of the wrong upbringing. That is because the child will not suffer from overwhelming jealousy if he learns to share a toy with others or to share his parents’ love with others, as well as if he realizes that his mother has other responsibilities other than all of his wishes. However, some parents who like to arouse their children’s jealousy will do that through comparing the child with others, or vexing him in order to enjoy his jealous reactions. Such parents do not realize that they are laying the foundations of many future difficulties in their child’s life.
Always remember that the jealous child will be a jealous man who will envy his friends for their success. He will be almost unable to work with others and he will always complain that people do not appreciate him as they should. In short, he will be an individual who can never adjust to his environment.
Dr. ‘Umayr Al-Haarithi, specialist in child psychology, said,
Jealousy is a natural feeling in children and it sometimes takes different forms such as involuntary bed-wetting at night, involuntary eye blinking, stammering, desire to urinate at short intervals, asking his mother to carry him and to feed him with her hands, desire to use the nursing bottle again, speaking like young children, negativity, rejecting food, showing violence and love for destruction.
The mother should observe such behavior in addition to his behavior with his toys and his attempt to break them.
Dr. Al-Haarithi added,
To determine the remedy of jealousy, we must first know what causes it and then try to stop it. As the time of the second childbirth approaches, the first child is kept away from his mother who usually stays in hospital. When she returns home, she cannot respond fully to the desire of the first child to get close to her because she would be tired and wants to get some rest.
After resting, she starts looking after the baby and dedicates the majority of her time to the newborn. This is usually accompanied by a set of instructions that limit the freedom of the first child. The young baby is always embraced by his mother, while the other one goes sadly to his bed to sleep alone.
When the elder child grows up, he finds that he is punished for things that his young brother or sister is allowed to do without a reason, or for a reason he cannot understand. Comparison and unequal treatment worsen the problem of jealousy.
The young child starts harboring jealousy when his elder brother goes to school accompanied by one of his parents happily.
The perfect solution is to avoid any change in the daily schedule of care for the elder child after the birth of the second one and keeping away from the causes of jealousy because treating it is more difficult.
One of the basic factors of treatment is to pretend that all that the child does is normal and to show him love and respect.
The jealous child is usually unhappy, and his mother has to do her best to make him happy.
Consequently, we must avoid censuring him even if he hurt his young brother. All that we want to do is to make him play with his brother and help his mother take care of him.
The mother should avoid censure and replace it with love and compassion. If the involuntary bed-wetting happens frequently, the mother should ignore this issue and try to make him busy by giving him something like a toy.
She should even refrain from censuring him if he destroys the toys, because censure will only worsen the problem.
Symptoms of jealousy also include attempts to get attention such as thumb-sucking, involuntary bed-wetting, desire for destruction. Treating this situation requires defining the causes behind the feeling of insecurity, which is usually harbored in the subconscious. Hence, superficial treatment will not be successful.
It is very important to know the cause of these symptoms in order to achieve happiness for all members of the family.

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Family, - *Protective Jealousy is the Characteristic of the Noble - I

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Protective jealousy is an innate noble characteristic upon which a sound person whom Allaah has honored and favored was created. Islam elevated the rank of this sublime trait and laudably mentioned it to the extent that it considers defending one's honor and being protectively jealous about inviolable matters a type of Jihaad. For this, a person may offer everything and sacrifice his soul, and such a person would be at the same rank as the martyr in Paradise. It was narrated on the authority of Sa‘eed ibn Zayd, may Allaah be pleased with him, that he said, “I heard the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, saying:‘A person who is killed while protecting his property is a martyr, a person who is killed while defending his life is a martyr, a person who is killed while defending his religion is a martyr, and a person who is killed while defending his family is a martyr.’
”
The Meaning of Protective Jealousy
It is a change in the state of the heart and feelings of anger that arise due to a person's feeling that others might share or aspire to share something that he owns. This feeling appears among the spouses. Both men and women share this instinct, although the protective jealousy of women is greater. This feeling becomes more intense when the woman feels that her husband is betraying her or that he desires another woman. Likewise, the man feels the same when he has suspicions regarding his wife's behavior or feels that she desires other men.
Protective Jealously from the Sharee'ah Viewpoint
For both men and women, protective jealousy, when called for and shown in a moderate way, is a praiseworthy trait and it is a necessity for spouses in order that they can live in kindness. Each of them also has to consider the protective jealousy of the other and know that every matter has a moderate and sensible point between its two extremes. It was proven that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“There is jealousy that Allaah loves and jealousy that He hates. There is pride that Allaah loves and pride that He hates. The jealousy that Allaah loves is jealousy regarding a matter of suspicion. The jealousy that He hates is jealousy regarding something that is not doubtful. The pride that Allaah loves is a man's pride when fighting and when giving in charity. The pride that Allaah hates is that shown in oppression and boasting.”]Ahmad and others, Al-Albaani - Saheeh[
Protective Jealousy is an Indication of Manliness
Protective jealousy, when justified and shown in a moderate manner, is an indication of true manhood. It leads to the protection of honor, the safeguarding of sacred ordinances, the veneration of the symbols of Allaah, and the promotion of adherence to the limits that He has set. It denotes the strength of one's faith and shows that it is instilled in his heart. Little wonder then that unethical practices, impermissible exposure of women's beauty, immorality and licentiousness prevails throughout the western world and other similar communities. The reason behind this is either the lack of or the complete absence of protective jealousy.
Even in the pre-Islamic era, this characteristic prevailed among the Arabs who experienced the meanings of these virtues. They would be protectively jealous even about their neighbors' honor from their own desires. Manly zeal could also drive these people to incite wars for the sake of any assault against a woman, to protect her honor, or in response to her seeking refuge. The cause of the war of Al-Fijaar that broke out between the Arabs was that a group of youth from Banu Kinaanah saw a woman in the market of ‘Ukaath and asked her to uncover her face, and when she refused they began mocking her. Thereupon, she screamed, “O people of ‘Aamir!” Immediately their fighters responded to her request. The tribe of Kinaanah stood to defend their youth. The tribe of Hawaazin stood on the side of Banu ‘Aamir and Quraysh stood on the side of Kinaanah, which resulted in a countless number of victims and much bloodshed.
Excessive Protective Jealousy
Excessive jealousy is a source of trouble for the person and those around him. Many so-called honor-related crimes are committed due to rumors. This extent of jealousy, which is hazardous, may drive a person to kill others without any justification or sound evidence for his action. This happens in many places. Some husbands have the disease of bitter doubts which turns their marital life into unbearable turmoil. It was narrated that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, forbade that a man should unexpectedly come to his wife at night, doubting her fidelity and probing into her lapses. ]Muslim[ It is improper for a husband to have no confidence in his wife, and he should not be excessive in monitoring her each and every action. There is no doubt that such behavior damages the marital relationship and severs what Allaah The Almighty has ordered to be joined.
‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib, may Allaah be pleased with him, would say, “Do not have excessive jealousy over your wives such that you would cause them to be slandered.” Also, Mu‘aawiyah, may Allaah be pleased with him, said, “There are three characteristics of nobility: Forgiveness, having a flat abdomen and avoiding excessive protective jealousy.”
Therefore, moderation in this regard is very important and the limits of the required protective jealousy are determined by the texts of the Sharee'ah. It was narrated that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Allaah becomes jealous and the believer also becomes jealous. Allaah becomes jealous when the believer commits what He has forbidden.”]Al-Bukhaari[
Protective jealousy is required if women violate the prohibitions of Allaah The Almighty, and in this case such jealousy is praiseworthy. Conversely, being void of such jealousy in these situations is dispraised and is the cause of a person being prevented from entering Paradise. The proof of this is what was narrated on the authority of ‘Ammaar ibn Yaasir, may Allaah be pleased with him, that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“There are three types of people who will never enter Paradise: A Dayyooth, a woman who assumes a masculine attitude and an alcoholic.”His Companions asked, “O Messenger of Allaah, we know what an alcoholic is, but what is a Dayyooth?” He, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, replied:“He is the person who does not care who has private access to his womenfolk.”The Companions asked, “Who are the women who assume a masculine attitude?” He, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, replied:“They are women who imitate men.”
Considering the Protective Jealousy of Others
When a man feels the pain of a loss or jealousy when his friend forsakes him and befriends someone else, then we should consider the jealousy of the mother-in-law. A mother in this situation feels as if she has lost her son to someone else, after having cared for him throughout his entire life and sacrificed every dear and precious thing to make him a man of consequence in this life. Also, just as the person feels jealous over his wife, he should consider her jealousy over him. It is improper to show his admiration for other women, not to mention narrating his pre or post-marital relationships, as this is not a source of pride. Rather, a person should keep it hidden, repent from such an act if they have happened, and adhere to Sitr )covering and protection(.
A woman should also control herself as much as she can, otherwise her jealousy would be irrepressible. Commenting on the verse in which Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And they will have therein purified spouses.{]Quran 2:25[, Ibn Al-Qayyim, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said, “They are purified from menstruation, urination and any harm that afflicts women in this world. Their souls are also purified from jealousy, wanting to harm their husbands and desire for other men.”
The Jealousy of Allaah The Exalted
Sharee'ah texts prove that Allaah The Exalted becomes jealous . His jealousy is a fact and He becomes jealous in a manner that befits His majesty and perfection. A manifestation of His Jealousy is His dislike that His slave should fall into acts of disobedience or associate anything in what is due solely to Him in terms of obeying His commands and avoiding His prohibitions. It was narrated that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Allaah becomes jealous and the believer also becomes jealous. Allaah becomes jealous when the believer commits what He has forbidden.”]Al-Bukhaari[ In another Hadeeth, he , sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“No one is more jealous than Allaah The Almighty. Because of His jealousy, Allaah has prohibited immorality, both apparent and concealed, and no one likes to be praised more than Allaah The Almighty.”]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[ Another narration of this Hadeeth states:“The believer gets jealous and Allaah is even more jealous.”]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[
It was narrated in a Hadeeth that the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said to his Companions, may Allaah be pleased with them, about one of them:“Are you surprised at Sa‘d's jealousy over his honor? By Allaah, I am more jealous over my honor than he is over his, and Allaah is more jealous than I am.”]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[

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Night Prayer, - Dought & clear, - * Can women gather in the house ofone of their number to offer Taraweeh prayer?

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We live in a village in which there are no women who go to the mosque, and there is no space for women in the mosque. Is it permissible for women to gather in one house to pray Taraweeh in congregation? If that is permissible, should the prayer be recited quietly or what? How can they pray in congregation if the prayer is to be recited aloud like Fajr or ‘Isha’ and one of them leads the others – should she recite out loud or not?.
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
It is permissible for women to gather to pray Taraweeh in the house of one of them, subject to the condition that there is no wanton display of adornments (tabarruj) involved in their going out, and that there is no danger of fitnah.
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
There is nothing wrong with women attending Taraweeh prayers so long as there is no danger of fitnah, subject to the condition that they go out in a decorous manner, not making a wanton display of their adornments or wearing perfume. End quote.
Majmoo’ Fataawa Ibn ‘Uthaymeen, 14, question no. 808.
But it is better for each of them to pray on her own in her house, and in an inner part of the house. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said that it is better for women to offer obligatory prayers in their houses than to pray in the mosque, so it is more apt that this should also apply to naafil prayers.
It was narrated from Umm Salamah (may Allaah be pleased with her) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best mosques for women are the innermost parts of their houses.” Narrated by Ahmad, 26002; classed as hasan by al-Albaani inSaheeh al-Targheeb, 341.
Indeed it is better for a woman to pray in her home than to pray in congregation in al-Masjid al-Haraam (in Makkah) or in the Prophet’s Mosque behind the Prophet himself (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him).
It was narrated from Umm Humayd, the wife of Abu Humayd al-Saa’idi (may Allaah be pleased with them both) that she came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and said: “O Messenger of Allaah, I love to pray with you.” He said: “I know that you love to pray with me, but your praying in your room is better for you than your praying in your house, and your praying in your house is better for you than your praying in your courtyard, and your praying in your courtyard is better for you than your praying in the mosque of your people, and your praying in the mosque of your people is better for you than your praying in my mosque.” So she gave orders that a ‘mosque’ be built for her in the innermost and darkest part of her house, and she used to pray there until she met Allaah (i.e., died).
Narrated by Ahmad, 26550; classed as saheeh by Ibn Khuzaymah, 1689; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Targheeb, 340.
Imam Ibn Khuzaymah included this hadeeth in a chapter entitled: It is preferable for a woman to pray in her house rather than in her courtyard, and in the mosque of her people rather than in the Mosque of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), even though one prayer offered in the Mosque of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) is equivalent to one thousand prayers offered in any other mosque. This is the evidence that the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), “One prayer in this mosque of mine is better than a thousand prayers in any other mosque” refer only to men and not women.
Al-Shaykh ‘Abd al-‘Azeem Abaadi (may Allaah have mercy on him)said:
It is better for women to pray in their houses because then there is no danger of fitnah. This ruling is even more emphatic because of the wanton display (tabarruj) and adornment of women.
‘Awn al-Ma’bood, 2/193
Secondly:
If women gather together in one house in accordance with the conditions mentioned above, it is permissible for them to pray in congregation. The one who is leading them in prayer should stand in the middle of the (first) row, not out in front, and she should not lead men in prayer even if they are her mahrams. She should recite our loud just as men do in the prayers where reciting out loud is required, so long as no men except her mahrams can hear her voice.
It was narrated that Umm Waraqah bint ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Nawfal al-Ansaariyyah asked the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) for permission to appoint a muezzin in her house who would call her to prayer, and he told her to lead the people of her household in prayer.
Narrated by Abu Dawood, 591; classed as hasan by Shaykh al-Albaani inIrwa’ al-Ghaleel, 493.
And it was narrated from ‘Aa’ishah that she would give the call to prayer and lead other women in prayer, standing in the middle of the row.
And ‘Aa’ishah led women in obligatory prayers, standing in the midst of them.
And it was narrated that Hujayrah bint Haseen said: Umm Salamaah led us in prayer standing in the midst of the women.
And it was narrated from Umm al-Hasan that she saw Umm Salamah, the wife of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), leading women in prayer, standing with them in their row.
Shaykh al-Albaani (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, after narrating these reports:
In conclusion, these reports are sound and may be acted upon, especially since they confirm the general meaning of the words of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “Women are the twin halves of men…”
Sifat Salaat al-Nabi (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), p. 153-155.
Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
She should recite out loud in prayers where it is required to recite out loud, but if there are any men present, she should not recite out loud, unless they are her mahrams, in which case she may do so.
Al-Mughni, 2/17
And Allaah knows best.

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