Marital Life, - Emotional Communication Between Spouses - II

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No Room for Despair Between the Spouses
Sexual desire is like any other human desire and is not connected to a certain age, because it is a part of the physical structure of a human. Hence, the wife should know that her own or her husband’s sexual desire does not stop at the age of menopause. If the woman is healthy and does not suffer from physical or psychological diseases, then she can have sexual intercourse even if she is old. It is true that sexual desire decreases as well as sexual ability when the person becomes older; but it always remains and fulfills its function properly.
A long period of marriage enables the wife to control and adapt her relationship with her husband in the different stages of life. So, it is wrong to think that menopause means the end of the wife’s sexual relationship. Rather, if there is a desire to have sexual intercourse between the spouses, this would result in harmony between them no matter how old they are. Some people may resort to medical drugs which stimulate the sexual relationship; however, such drugs may lead to opposite results in many cases. There are rare cases which need these drugs. The wife may suffer from frigidity which may be due to a physical problem that can be solved through medical treatment, medication, or surgery, or it might be due to a psychological reason due to the negligence of the husband, an intense fear of pregnancy and delivery, or the roughness and recklessness of the husband. These matters usually lead to frigidity.
The wife needs a longer period of time to be aroused. The husband’s ignorance or overlooking of this fact - due to his eagerness or quick arousal - may result in the wife failing to interact with her husband. The husband should be fully aware of this fact and perform the normal means of foreplay such as flirtatious words, touching and so on, in order to prepare the wife to respond to the call for sexual intercourse with all her senses. Consequently, they would have a successful sexual relationship, and the wife would not suffer from frigidity. It is permissible for the wife to advise her husband regarding these matters.
The spouses should know that the best times for sexual intercourse are the times when they desire it. Each one should respond to the desire of the other. The Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“If a man invites his wife to his bed ]i.e. to have sexual intercourse[, and she refuses to come to him and causes him to sleep in anger, then the angels curse her till morning”]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[
Also, if a man sees a woman who pleases and sexually arouses him, his sexual intercourse with his wife would guard him from the devil’s temptations, prevent the disasters of illicit sexual desire and maintain his chastity. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“A woman advances and retreats in the shape of a devil, so when one of you sees a woman, he should come to his wife ]and have intercourse with her[, for that will repel what he feels in his heart.”]Muslim and Abu Daawood[
Abu Sulaymaan Ad-Daaraani, may Allaah have mercy upon him, said, “The righteous wife does not belong to the worldly life. She gives you time for the Hereafter. She occupies herself with managing the house and satisfying desire.” In general, the times of sexual intercourse should be in accordance with the need of both spouses, and the wife should satisfy her sexual desire with her husband whenever she needs, and the husband should do the same. Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}Your wives are a place of sowing of seed for you, so come to your place of cultivation however you wish.{]Quran 2:223[
The times of sexual intercourse are connected with each one’s preparation for the other and being physically and psychologically relaxed. They should have sufficient time to have a rest after sexual intercourse. The wife should take care of the cleanness and beauty of her bed, as this has a good effect on pleasing the husband. The husband should properly flirt, fondle and show his love to his wife. On the other hand, the wife should be skillful in complimenting and flirting with her husband, praising his good characteristics and overlooking his faults. She should beware of making him feel that he is weak or incapable, even if she is jesting with him, because this would affect him negatively.
The wife should say nice, kind words to her husband, play with him, hug and kiss him. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said to Jaabir, may Allaah be pleased with him, when he found out that he had married a previously-married woman:“Why not a virgin, so that you might play with her and she play with you, and you might amuse her and she amuse you?”]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[ In this Hadeeth, the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, clarified that this was a mutual matter between the spouses.
Wearing perfume has a good effect in making the sexual intercourse successful; it helps to arouse feelings and emotions and adds pleasure to the spouses’ contact. On the other hand, bad smells and odors result in aversion and detestation. Sexual intercourse requires calmness and relaxation, so that the body and the nerves do not become tense and hinder the perfect enjoyment of sexual intercourse.
There are many positions for sexual intercourse. It is permissible to use any of them as long as penetration takes place in the vagina. Changing positions gives the sexual meeting between the spouses a new flavor for the human soul becomes bored with everything repetitive. Some people may suddenly suffer from impotence despite intense arousal and consequently fail to have sexual intercourse. This may happen due to the long period of foreplay before sexual intercourse, or due to a long time of waiting, eagerness and abstention. To overcome this problem, the spouses should have moderate foreplay and avoid exhaustion and intense arousal.
Some men might use condoms to prevent conception since it hinders semen from reaching the uterus. This way is not free from harm. Conception may take place due to a hole in the condom. Also, it may lead to incomplete sexual satisfaction and result in worry and psychological disorder.
Some husbands may discharge the semen outside the vagina in order to prevent conception which is called “coitus interruptus”. This way also has some harmful consequences, because it does not give the spouses the chance to have perfect pleasure. This might lead to psychological disturbance, continuous quarrels and an unstable life. This way might be a resort to solve some social problems like birth control provided that it is practiced upon the agreement of both parties without excessive use.
Children and Emotional Communication
The husband has rights over his wife. It is not permissible for her to overlook or neglect these rights even if it is for the sake of his children. She should distribute her efforts between her husband and her children. It is not permissible for her to neglect adorning herself under the pretext of having children to take care of. The wife’s being occupied under the pretext of taking care of the housework and the children is not an acceptable excuse. This may force the husband to leave home searching for another place to find the lost amusement and the aspired rest. Some men of weak faith might fall into moral vice as a result of the wife’s negligence. The wife should fear her Lord and fulfill her duties towards her husband.
The wife’s keenness and devotion to take care of her children - provided that there is balance between them and their father - is one of the means of marital happiness. When she takes care of their health, morals and knowledge, the husband is delighted and free from worry about his wife and children.
Families of the Spouses and Their Role in Emotional Communication
Allaah The Almighty exhorts people to maintain kinship ties and makes kindness towards kinsfolk as a way to Paradise. Marriage extends the circle of kinsfolk. The wife should be kind towards her and her husband’s relatives without neglecting the right of any. It is obligatory upon her to treat her family with kindness and her love for her husband necessitates love for his family and being kind to them. Kinship ties cling to the Throne of Allaah and whoever maintains it, Allaah will maintain a connection with him, but whosoever severs relations with it, Allaah The Almighty will sever His connection with him. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said that Allaah The Almighty says in a Qudsi )sacred( Hadeeth: “I am Ar-Rahmaan ]The Most-Merciful[. I created the Rahim ]Kinship ties[, and derived for it a name from My Name. Whoever maintains it, I will maintain connection with him. Whoever severs it, I will sever connection with him.” ]Al-Bukhaari[ The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Whoever likes that his provisions would be expanded and his life would be prolonged, should maintain kinship ties.”]Muslim[
The wife should visit the family of her husband and maintain amicable relations with them. They become her family and her children are attributed to them. The keenness of the wife to benefit the family of her husband, receive them well, ask about them, present gifts to them, and help them pleases her husband, generates affection and amiability, and forces the husband to respect and appreciate his wife.
Each spouse should be keen on maintaining good relations with the family of their partner, and share their joy and sadness. He/she should hasten to check those who stop visiting them, and to be beside them if they need.
The husband should receive with hospitality the acquaintances of his wife. It is narrated that a woman visited the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, so he met her happily and asked about her condition. When she departed, he said:“She would visit us during the days of Khadeejah, and loyalty is ]a part[ of faith.”]Al-Haakim[ Also, a poet in the pre-Islamic era reminded his cousins about the importance of maintaining kinship ties and said that severing kinship ties is the reason behind destruction. Therefore, the spouses should realize the goal behind the kind treatment of relatives of the other which increases love, affection and mercy, and instills respect and confidence between them. Consequently, the children will grow up loving goodness, hating evil and hoping for the reform of the whole world.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - Emotional Communication Between Spouses – I

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Emotional communication is the key to happiness between the spouses. Marital life begins with strong, good emotions and warm feelings. In the course of time, these emotions may become apathetic and lose their warmth. This is the most dangerous problem in the marital life and would crack its edifice. The wife should pay great attention to this problem to overcome it and have continual incessant communication and renewing love.
The first step to solve this problem is that each spouse should review his duties towards the other; perhaps the problem was aroused from that point. However, the marital life does not stop at this limit; it is a humane, not mechanical, relationship. The emotional bond between the spouses is a strong rope that is a cornerstone of the marital life.
Emotions are mutual feelings between the spouses; therefore, the husband should be keen on making his wife feel that he loves her. She should also reciprocate these good feelings with him and continuously declare her love, sincerity and faithfulness. True emotions have a magical effect on the spouses’ life. They make the difficult easy, and turn a small house into a paradise in which the spouses and their children rejoice. The clever wife knows many ways to nourish these emotions, the easiest of which is a kind word.
A wise wife makes her husband feel her love for him, regards commending him and gets him accustomed to hearing kind words from the first day of their marriage. These factors nourish the marital life and result in goodness and happiness. Love is a feeling and emotion that is inspired by kind words, mutual respect and exchanging words of love and compassion. The wife’s bashfulness should not prevent her from exchanging with her husband tender words and sublime feelings. The husband should encourage her to do so through saying gentle words and expressing his sincere feelings towards her. They should compete in their love, seeking the happiness of this life and the reward of Allaah in the Hereafter.
The wife’s sensitivity may corrupt this warm relationship. Accordingly, she should be forgiving and overlook the slips of her husband. In doing so, she becomes great in the sight of her husband. Moreover, this leads him to be keen on avoiding these slips in the future.
The wife should realize that she lives in a time where temptations are rampant and many women have abandoned modesty and do their best to expose their charms and beauty. The husband’s eye might fall on one of these women and wish that his wife would be more beautiful than her in order to satisfy his desires through lawful means and attain the reward of Allaah The Almighty. Hence, the wife should be keen to always appear before her husband in neat, nice clothes, and be well-perfumed in order to satisfy his desires and help him enjoy her well.
It is strange that some women do their utmost in adorning themselves and showing their beauty and charms when they are going out, but they do not do the half or even the quarter of such adornment and beautification while they are inside their homes with their husbands. It is not an Islamic practice for the woman to expose her charms before men outside her home and hide them in front of her husband. The wife should adorn herself for her husband as much as she can. When the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, was asked about the best woman, he said: “The one who pleases him ]the husband[ when he looks at her.” ]Abu Daawood and Ibn Maajah[
There are other significant matters that many wives may not heed, thinking that kind words and a good relationship are sufficient to attain happiness. However, the well-ordered, clean, and calm household in which the husband needs to find rest after the hardship of work and the well-prepared table of food are among the matters that the husband is concerned with. Also, falling short in fulfilling these matters results in the disturbance of the marital life.
It is better for the wife to regard her relationship with the family of her husband as part of the relationship with her husband, as her good relationship with his family entails her good relationship with him. She should host them and regard this act as a way of showing her love to her husband. She should also encourage her husband to invite his friends and brothers to eat food that she should prepare willingly and happily. Doing so, she implicitly says to her husband that she likes whom he likes and hates whom he hates.
Moreover, she should be comforting to her husband and support him in the face of misfortunes. The women of the righteous predecessors are the best example in this regard to be followed. Anas, may Allaah be pleased with him, said:
One of the sons of Abu Talhah became sick and then died, and Abu Talhah at that time was not at home. When his wife saw that he was dead, she prepared him ]i.e., she washed and shrouded the body of the child[ and placed him somewhere in the house. When Abu Talhah came, he asked, “How is the boy?” She replied, “The child is in a very quiet state, and I hope that he has rested.” Abu Talhah thought that he had recovered.
She served him dinner, prepared the bed for him, and he had sexual intercourse with her. In the morning, he performed Ghusl ]ritual bathing[, and when he intended to go out, she told him that his son had died. Abu Talhah offered the ]morning[ prayer with the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, and informed him of what happened to them. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “May Allaah bless you concerning your night; ]that is, may Allaah bless you with good offspring[.” Allaah granted them a son ]from that night[, and nine of his offspring memorized the Quran. ]Al-Bukhaari[
The wife should speak to her husband at suitable times and know his conditions and what he encounters in his daily life. This act endears the wife to her husband and makes him feel his value and importance to her. ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, said, “When the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, had prayed the two Rak‘ahs ]Sunnah[ of the dawn prayer, he would talk to me if I was awake; otherwise, he would lie down until the prayer was called.” ]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[
Understanding Between the Spouses
Allaah The Almighty created people with different natures and dispositions: one of the spouses might like or hate what the other does not. Perhaps, there is a difference in the way of speaking, dressing, food preferences, ways to organize things at home, and time of sleeping; moreover, there may be a difference in the way each of them enjoys the other.
The harmony between the different natural dispositions of the spouses can only be achieved through love that makes the spouses more flexible in dealing with each other. Hence, the spouses reach relative harmony through which neither of them would feel the degrading of his character or dignity. The wife and the husband should tolerate the different natural dispositions of the other, as they have both grown accustomed to these characteristics, and in a short while, each of them would know what pleases the other and do it in order to satisfy their partner.
This is a stage on the way of harmony between them.
The intelligent woman should know what best suits her husband concerning clothes, colors and proper wear for each occasion in order to maintain his prestige. She should pay attention to the food her husband eats, and she should know his favorite food and be keen on serving it. She should be keen on knowing the time of his meals and meet this time. She should serve him the food in the way he likes both in terms of preparation and the way it is served.
The Muslim wife should wait for her husband until he returns from work even if he returns late. She should not sleep before making sure he has returned safely, receiving him well, preparing food for him, talking to him about things that please him, and keeping him company until he goes to bed. She should do her best to wake up early to wake him and her children up for Fajr prayer to start her and their day with goodness. Then, she should prepare breakfast for them, bid her husband farewell when he goes to work in a compassionate way, and advise him to earn lawful gains. Then, she should do her housework and make it convenient for a tranquil and peaceful home.
Such things make a pleasant atmosphere at home for the family and encourage the husband to leave the club, café or other places he might want to visit and instead return to his home. Indeed, such places are full of corruption that would destroy the marital life.
The Working Wife
Sometimes the wife has to go out to work, whatever the reasons may be, but she should organize her life in a way that guarantees the stability of her home and the happiness of her husband so that he does not feel that she has gone far from him and that she neglects him or does not fulfill her duties as a wife. She should not be outside her home during the time he is there. She should do her best to work while he is at work and to be at home at the same time.
Beauty, the Sexual Relationship and Emotional Communication
The sexual relationship is one of mutual participation between the husband and wife. Some wives are shy and leave this issue totally to the husband. This is a misunderstanding of the mutual nature of this relation between the spouses. Many beautiful women may believe that they are able to make the sexual relationship successful. Consequently, they do not perform a positive role during sexual intercourse out of the wrong belief that their beauty alone can fulfill this matter perfectly.
It should be known that the marital life and all of its aspects is an interaction between the spouses. Each of them should be positive in his or her interaction, either in abstract matters such as love and affection, or concrete matters such as the exchange of sexual enjoyment.
The beauty of the woman is a relative matter in the sight of men. A man may like a blonde woman while another man inclines to the brunette or dark woman. Someone may like a short, heavier woman, while another might prefer a tall, slim woman, and so on. A woman’s beauty is not confined to her body; there is immaterial beauty which is characterized in the personality of the woman. The woman may be calm, prudent, staid, loving, satisfied, modest, lenient, cooperative, affectionate, and keen on pleasing her husband.
The wife who has these traits is the one who possesses real beauty even if she is less beautiful than other women. She realizes that it is a wrong belief that only the beautiful woman is able to satisfy her husband’s sexual desires. Rather, all women could do so and make sexual intercourse successful through foreplay, fondling, continuous flirtation and tender words of love. Then, the wife would enjoy her husband and let her husband enjoy her in the lawful way.

- PUBLISHERNajimudeeN M

Marital Life, - How to steal your husband's heart

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As a friend of mine was setting off on a journey, she took all the necessary safety measures for her apartment. She installed secure locks as well as iron windows and then traveled to a summer resort along with her family, feeling reassured. However, when she returned home, she was shocked to find that every lightweight and precious item had been stolen. Through her tears, I only managed to understand some utterances she constantly repeated: How were they able to enter my apartment? How did they break in despite the precautions I took? What type of keys did these criminals have?
I tried comforting her and urged her to say, "Indeed we belong to Allaah, and indeed to Him we will return." I reminded her that she still has been incomparably blessed, having returned home safe and sound along with the rest of her family after her long journey. I soon left, as I supplicated to Allaah The Almighty to grant her prosperity and compensate her loss.
On my way home, I repeated the perplexing question that my friend was nearly intoning: How did the thieves unbolt the firm locks and break the iron windows? I then began to compare, in my imagination, the secure and military fortress-like home of my friend that the robbers wanted to enter, to a man's heart whose wife exerts her utmost to find her way in and reside within as a crowned queen. I asked myself if it was possible that thieves would be more skillful and successful in their mission than a loving, devoted wife. Even if we do not take into consideration her patience, endurance and hope in reward from Allaah The Almighty, could a wife who dedicates her entire life to her spouse and children not have the keys to her husband's heart? Is she like a candle, melting away as she continues to give of herself, and yet she does not truly have a place in her husband's heart, either because she does not have the keys or she lost them out of heedlessness or carelessness?
Many wives have husbands who live with them due to the ties of marriage and perhaps its intimacy, but not quite out of love and a passion that makes them unable to let go of them. Such men become used to their wives and if they ever separate, they find it easy to get over them. Their hearts are barren, the emotions are platonic; the pulse of the heart does not beat to the sound of the wife’s name and there is no longing feeling that urges the husband to rush back after a long day at work, to his nest, in order to enjoy the company of his life partner.
I, as any other men and women, may deem capturing the heart of a spouse a hard and difficult task. However, by virtue of personal and vicarious experience, I can emphasize that it is easier than what we imagine. It is merely governed by the following equation:
Love + patience + perseverance = worldly bliss or reward in the Hereafter
The more long-sighted one is, the less difficult the efforts are and the more successful the attempts become. It is also no secret that showing love breeds love, affection breeds the same; and a world that has both will be one in which rivers, like honey, of happiness, stability and harmony, will flow.
Therefore, I invite every loving wife to try out the following keys to her husband’s heart; you will not regret it.
-When your husband is agitated or angry, use the key of silence and a lovely smile. When he calms down, approach him affectionately, and convey your worry to him, sweetly inquiring: "O my beloved, what is wrong?”
-When he falls short in fulfilling acts of worship and you sense that he is slackening in his duties, use the key of the indirect reminder. Use sentences like:
1."May Allaah keep you safe for me! Had it not been for your advice, I could not have constantly observed prayer during the night."
2."I will wait for you to come back from the mosque, so we can pray the voluntary prayers together."
3."Do you remember the reading sessions of the Quran we had during the first days of our marriage? Those were great times; but, of course, every moment with you is wonderful. May Allaah reward you the best!"
4."Your hastening to prayer when you hear theAthaan)call to prayer( makes me feel responsible and jealous at the same time."
5."May Allaah unite us in Paradise and grant us both sincerity and steadfastness in obedience."
-When you feel he is starting to distance himself from you, there is no better means than the key of reform that Allaah The Almighty recommended you to follow. You should show him your affection, draw closer to him, take a look at your conduct and soften your voice to him which may have become hoarse from raising your voice at the children. Adorn yourself for him and comb that beautiful hair of yours, which may be in the same hairstyle for so long, what with it being under the headscarf that you only remove at night.
-When he experiences a problem at work, you should use the key of encouragement. Boost his confidence by comforting him and truthfully declaring what you feel, like saying: "By Allaah, even if they search high and low, they will not find anyone more efficient and sincere than you. As long as you satisfy Allaah The Almighty, do not worry, for relief is always around the corner and supplication blocks disasters."
-When you are both with your children, do not forget the key of planting respect for him in your children's hearts. Let him feel that he is the core of your life. When he brings something home, thank him, no matter how small it is; show your happiness to your children, saying, "Look at what your father brought for us; may Allaah keep him alive and protect him." If any child disrespects him, you are required to reprimand and warn him against repeating his action.
-At the dinner table, you should be careful that he is the first to eat.
-When he wants to rest, you should turn the home into an oasis of calm. You may stay with your children in a separate room for that period of time and avoid loud voices or disturbing movements.
-With his family and your own, use the key of respect.
-When you are together alone, you should use the key of femininity and beauty.
-When he talks, you should inspire him using the keys of attentive listening, admiration for the good he says and support.
-During times of dispute, you should use the keys of pride in him, seeking excuses for him, expecting only good of him as well as portraying a willingness to reconcile.
If you love your husband and want to spend the rest of your life with him, you will yourself find a key for every situation and a means to open every closed door. No matter how no-nonsense or platonic your husband might be, his heart which affirmed the choice of his religion and his mind which selected you as his spouse, cannot be more fortified than the home of my friend which was even opened by thieves. However, you are not a thief, rather you are only claiming what is rightfully yours; the heart of your husband must not logically be stolen by anyone else.

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Najimudeen M

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