M. NajimudeeN. Bsc:-: INDIA |-:-|: Story Part 5 - Under the Willow Tree

M. NajimudeeN. Bsc:-: INDIA |-:-|: Story Part 5 - Under the Willow Tree

Islamic Articles, - Battle of Hunayn

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The battle of Hunayn 8 (A.H.):
The formidable Bedouin tribes, the Hawaazin, the Saqif and various others pastured their flocks on the territories bordering Mecca. Some of them possessed strongly fortified towns like Tayef, and were unwilling to render obedience to the Muslims without resistance. They formed a league with the intention of overwhelming Prophet Muhammad (SAW) before he could make preparations to repulse their attack.
It was the usual practice with the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) that whenever he conquered a region, he personally looked after its political problems and the religious matters of its inhabitants, so long as he stayed there, and as and when he left that place he appointed there suitable persons on different posts. Its reason was that the people of these regions, who were acquainted with the old and wound-up systems, did not possess information about the system, which had replaced it. Islam is a social, moral, political and religious system, its laws emanate from revelation, and acquainting people with these laws and their enforcement amongst them needs distinguished, mature and learned persons, who should teach them correct principles of Islam intelligently and should also enforce Islamic system amongst them.
When the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) decided to leave Makkah for the territories of Hawazin and Saqif, he appointed Mu'az bin Jabal as a guide to educate and instruct the people and entrusted the government and administration of the city and imamate (leading prayers) in the mosque to Atab bin Usayd, who was a capable person. The threatening information compelled the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) to cut short his stay in Makkah. After staying in Makkah for fifteen days the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) proceeded to the land of Hawazin tribe.
An unmatched army
On that day the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) had twelve thousand armed soldiers under his standard, out of them ten thousand were those, who had accompanied him from Madina and had taken part in the conquest of Makkah, and the other two thousand were from amongst Quraysh, who had embraced Islam recently. The command of this group rested with Abu Sufyan. Imam Ali as usual, held the Sacred Standard of the Prophet Muhammad.
In those days such an army was hardly found anywhere and this numerical strength of theirs became the cause of their initial defeat. It was because, contrary to the past, they prided themselves on the large number of their soldiers and ignored the military tactics and principles of war. When Abu Bakr's eyes fell on the large number of men he said: "We should not at all be defeated, because our soldiers far outnumber those of the enemy". He did not, however, pay attention to this reality that numerical superiority is not the only factor for victory and in fact this factor is of little importance.
The Holy Qur'an itself mentions this fact and says: Allah has helped you on many occasions including the day of Hunayn. When you were happy with the number of your men who proved to be of no help to you and the whole vast earth seemed to have no place to hide you (from your enemies) and you turned back in retreat. (Surah al-Tawbah, 9:25)
Acquisition of Information
After the conquest of Makkah great excitement and enthusiasm could been seen in the areas inhabited by the tribes of Hawazin and Saqif. Special contacts existed between them. The connecting link between them was a war like person named Malik bin Awf Nasri. The result of their mutual contacts was that before the Islamic army could pay attention to them they themselves came up to encounter it, so that, before the Muslims moved, they themselves should strike them hard by military tactics. They also selected from amongst them a thirty-year-old brave and courageous man to act as their commander.
Besides the aforesaid two tribes, the tribes of Bani Hilal, Nasr and Jasham also participated in this battle and all of them came up as a single striking force.
As ordered by the chief commander, all those, who participated in the battle, stationed their women and retinue, behind the rear of the army. When he was asked about the reason for this decision he said: "These men will remain steadfast in their fighting to protect their women and property and will not at all think of flight or retreat".
When Durayd bin Sammah, an old man and an experienced warrior, heard the wailing's of the women and the children, he quarreled with Malik, and, considering this act of his to be wrong from the point of view of principles of war, said to him: "The result of this action will be that if you are defeated you will be surrendering all your women and property to the army of Islam gratuitously". Malik did not pay heed to the words of this experienced soldier and said: "You have grown old and have lost your wisdom and knowledge of military tactics". However, the later events proved that the old man was right and the presence of women and children in a sphere of operation in which one has to strike and run proved to be of no use, except that the soldiers got involved in difficulties and their activities were hindered.
The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) sent Abdullah Aslami Ibn Abi Hadrad to collect information about the equipment, intentions and itinerary of the enemy. He roamed about in the entire army of the enemy, collected the necessary information and placed it at the disposal of the Prophet Muhammad. Malik, too, sent three spies towards the Muslims in a special manner so that they might bring the requisite information for him. They, however, returned to Malik with their hearts full of awe and fear.
The commander of the enemy army decided to make amends for the numerical inferiority and weak morale of his soldiers by means of a military trick i.e. by making a surprise attack, create confusion among the army of Islam so that the discipline of their units might be disrupted and the schemes of their high command might be frustrated.
To achieve this end, he encamped at the end of the pass, which led to the region of Hunayn. He then ordered all the soldiers to hide themselves behind the stones, the rocks and gaps of the mountains and at elevated places around the pass, and as soon as the army of Islam arrived in this deep and lengthy pass, all of them should come out of their places hiding and attack the units of Islam with arrows and stones. Thereafter a special group should descend from the mountains in an orderly manner and put the Muslims to sword under the cover of their archers.
Equipment of the Muslims
The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) was aware of the strength and the obstinacy of the enemy. Before leaving Makkah therefore, he called Safwan bin Umayyah and borrowed one hundred suits of armor from him and guaranteed its return. He personally put on two suit of armor, put a helmet on his head, and mounted a white mule, which had been presented to him, and moved on behind the army of Islam.
In the dead of night the army reached the Hunayn valley, which lies about midway between Mecca and Tayef. In order to reach the fertile valley of Tayef, they had to pass through a narrow defile called Hunayn. This was the key point or the enemy's defense. It was a narrow and dismal place leaving little room for an army to pass through, except in single file, nor could camels and horses be maneuvered within its narrow walls. The army of Islam rested at night at the mouth of the Hunayn and the day had not yet dawned fully when the tribe of Bani Salim arrived in the passage of Hunayn under the command of Khalid bin Walid. When a major part of the army of Islam was still in the pass. Concealing themselves under the precipitous side of the rocky valley, the tribesmen, from the heights, showered avalanches of rocks and arrows on the Muslims, and prevented all attempts by the Muslim cavalry to organize a charge. Panic began to spread amongst the Muslim troops and defeat seemed very probable.
This sudden attack terrified the Muslims so much that they began to flee and created, more than the enemy itself, disorder and disruption among their ranks. According to Habib-us-Siyar and Rouzath-ul-Ahbab, Khalid Bin Walid was the first to leave the field. These developments were a source of great joy for the hypocrites present in the army of Islam, so much so that Abu Sufyan said: "Muslims will run up to the coast of the sea". Another hypocrite said: "The magic has been counteracted". A third from amongst them determined to do away with Islam in that confused state of affairs by killing the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and thus destroy the belief of the Oneness of Allah and the Prophet Hood of Islam lock, stock, and barrel.
The steadfastness of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and of a group of self-sacrificing persons
The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) was disturbed immensely by the flight of his friends which was the main cause of all the alarm and disorder, and felt that if matters were allowed to take their own course, even for a moment longer, the pivot of history would be different, humanity would change its course and the forces of polytheism would beat down the army of monotheism. While riding his mule, therefore, he said loudly: "O supporters of Allah and His Prophet! I am the servant of Allah and His Prophet". He uttered this sentence and then turned his mule towards the battlefield, which was occupied by Malik's men, who had already killed some Muslims and were busy killing others. A group of self-sacrificing persons like Imam Ali, the Commander of the Faithful, Abbas, Fazal bin Abbas, Usamah and Abi Sufyan bin Hirith, who had not left him alone and unprotected ever since the battle started, also proceeded along with him.
At this critical moment Imam Ali rallied the disorganized forces around him inspiring them to fight with fresh valor. At the same time the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) asked his uncle Abbas, who held his mule, who had a very loud voice, to call back the Muslims in this manner: "O Ansar, who helped the Prophet! O you who took the oath of allegiance to the Prophet under the tree of Paradise! Where are you going? The Prophet is here!" The words of Abbas reached the ears of the Muslims and stimulated their religious zeal and fervor. All of them responded immediately by saying, Labayk! Labayk! (Here am I! Here am I!) And returned bravely towards the Prophet Muhammad.
The repeated call by Abbas, which gave the good tidings of the Prophet's safety, made the fleeing men return to the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) with a peculiar regret and remorse and made them reorganize their rows. About a hundred men, all Ansars (Abul Fida; Ibn Hisham), gaining the narrow Pass, checked the advance of the enemy. The standard bearer of the enemy, a man of extraordinarily tall stature and stout built, came forward and challenged the Muslims to single combat, As usual, Imam Ali stepped forward and engaged him and within a short time put an end to him. In compliance with the orders of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and also to obliterate the shameful stain of desertion, the Muslims launched a general attack and compelled the enemies, in a very short time, to retreat or flee. The Prophet Muhammad, who was watching the struggle from an eminence, taking a handful of gravel, cast it towards the enemy saying, "May these faces be disgraced!" The enemy became panicky within a short time and finally took to flight, chased by the Muslims, and many of them were killed. In order to encourage the Muslims the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) was saying: "I am the Prophet of Allah and never tell a lie and Allah has promised me victory". This war tactics made the warriors of Hawazin and Saqif run away to the region of Autas and Nakhlah and to the forts of Ta'if leaving behind their women and retinue and a number of those killed in the battle. The battle was won by Muslims.
War Booty
In this battle the casualties of the Muslims were large, but the biographers have not mentioned the number of those killed. The enemy lost seventy of their bravest, of whom forty fell under the sword of Imam Ali.
As a result of this victory, enormous booty fell into the hands of the Muslims. The Muslims, however, stood to gain and the enemies fled leaving behind six thousand captives, twenty four thousand camels, forty thousand sheep and four thousand Waqih (It is equal to 213 grams approximately) of silver. The Prophet Muhammad (SAW) ordered that all the men and the entire property should be taken to Ji'ranah. He also appointed some men to keep a watch. The captives were kept in a particular house and the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) ordered that the entire booty should remain there as it was, till he returned from Ta'if.
The battle of Hunayn, is one of the most famous events in the history of Islam. It was notable for the strategy of Imam Ali regrouping the Muslim army, turning defeat into victory. It also showed the clemency with which the prisoners were treated. Six hundred of the enemies were freed without having to pay ransom.

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Islamic Articles, - Battle of Khandaq

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The Qureshite community had one important dream: The destruction of Mohammed and his religion. Pagan tribes outside Mecca were sharing with them the same dream. Like the Meccans, these tribes considered Mohammed a serious menace to their religion. This belief brought these tribes and the Muslims into military confrontations in which the Muslims had the upper hand. These tribes, therefore, were like the Meccan community full of resentment and rancor towards Mohammed and his religion.
Non-Pagan Tribes
There were clashes between the Muslims and some of the people of scripture who were neighboring Medina caused by their breaching of covenants with the Holy Prophet. Tribes from among them such as Banu Al-Natheer and others were exiled by the Prophet.
A delegation from these people went to Mecca and other Arab communities during the fifth year after the Hijrah, propagating war against the Prophet and attempting to mobilize the Arab forces for the proposed war. They did not need much effort to persuade the Meccans to a military undertaking against the Prophet. Their response to the invitation was prompt, and without hesitation, they mobilized four thousand fighters. This army was supplemented with six thousands from Ghatafan, Saleem, and other tribes. Thus, ten thousands strong marched towards Medina.
The Holy Prophet received the news of the imminent invasion a few days before their arrival at Medina. He consulted his companions, and Salman Al-Farisi (the Persian) advised the Prophet to dig a moat around Medinato prevent the invaders from entering it. The Messenger commanded the Muslims (who were about three thousands) to implement the plan. The moat was dug within six days.
Witnessing the moat, the invaders were surprised and realized that it had become difficult for them to enter Medina. Thus they found it necessary to besiege Medina instead of invading it directly. Banu Quraidhah, a community from the followers of the Scripture, joined the pagan army after its arrival. This community had a covenant of peace with the Prophet. Their treacherous action was a frightening surprise to the Muslims. By breaching the covenant, this community gave the pagan army additional forces and equipment. It became the duty of the Muslims to add to their defensive lines another line.
The Muslims in horror
There were many hypocrites among the Muslims who circulated frightening rumors, which added to the fear of the Muslims. The Holy Qur'an tells us of the psychological crisis with which the Muslims lived during that period:
"Behold! They came upon you from above you and from below you, and when the eyes grew wild and the hearts gaped up to the throats, and ye imagined various (vain) thoughts about God! In that situation the believers were tried: They were shaken with a mighty Shock. And behold! The hypocrites and those in whose hearts there is disease (even) say: God and His Apostle promised us nothing but delusion! Behold! A party among them said: O people of Yathrib (Medina), you cannot stand (the attack), therefore turn back! And a band of them ask for leave of the Prophet, saying: Truly our houses are bare and exposed though they were not exposed; they intended nothing but to flee." (33:10-13)
The pagan army, on the contrary, was enjoying an extremely high morale. Victory to them was certain. Medina was under their siege, and its inhabitants did not possess the courage to come out of it. Their confidence in victory and morale went higher when Banu Quraidhah joined them. This made them change their strategy from the siege of Medina to a direct invasion.
Amr's Venture
Amr Ibn Abd Wodd, accompanied by Dhirar Ibn Al-Khattab, Akramah Ibn Abu Jahl, and others, sought and found a narrow place in the moat. Their horses leaped above the moat to the other side. Had this adventure succeeded many pagan fighters were expected to follow them and make it feasible for the whole army to pass through that narrow place, for they could have spanned the two sides of the ditch by filling that narrow gap with soil.
The Muslims were in a state of shock and horror before the passage of these pagan soldiers to their side. The new danger, which was presented by their passage, made the morale of the Muslims much lower than before.
Men of strong faith
Though the hearts of most of the Muslims were filled with fear, some of them were unshaken by the new danger. It rather made their faith stronger in God, His Messenger, and the promised victory. These individuals were ready to sacrifice themselves and one of them certainly was determined to try to confine the danger, then to remove it. The Holy Qur'an tells us of the morale of these believers.
When the believers saw the confederate forces, they said: This is what God and His Apostle had promised us. And God and His Apostle told us what is true. And it only added to their faith and their zeal in obedience. "Among the believers are men who have been true to their covenant with God: Of them some have completed their vow (to the extreme), and some (still) wait; but they have never changed (their determination) in the least." (33:23)
The Holy Qur'an does not inform us of the number of those believers whose faith was increased by the increase of the danger. These believers may have been scores or just a few. However, faith sometimes remains only as a state of mind without being transformed into action. Some of the faith is active, flowing with vitality and moving the faithful to face the danger and to rise to its level and above its level.
The number of these distinguished believers remained unknown.
Ali's Response
However, history informed us of one of them because of his outstanding achievements at this battle, in confining and removing the danger, which shook the very foundation of the Islamic state. That man was no other than Ali Ibn Abu Talib.
Amr Ibn Wodd, who crossed the moat, was well known among the Arabs. He attended the battle, boastfully making his place known to people. His very passage from one side to the other side of the moat, accompanied only by a small number of fighters, indicates that the man was extremely courageous. He was the only one from among the ten thousand fighters who tried to invade the Muslims directly and challenge them totally while he was with them on one side.
The passage of Amr and his companions presented to the Muslims a new and serious danger and a frightening surprise, which they never expected. The door was about to be opened widely, and hundreds and thousands were expected to follow. The surprise, however, did not frighten or astonish Ali. History informs us of Ali's present-mindedness and fast response, for he immediately moved to confine the danger, then to remove it. Leading a small number of believers, he went immediately to the point where the Islamic defense line was broken by the passage of Amr. He had his companions stand there, preventing others from attempting to follow Amr. And after he confined the new danger, he managed to remove it completely.
While mounting his horse, Amr went around the area of Sal'a, facing the Muslims and challenging them: "Is there any dueler?" He repeated this call but there was no response on the part of the companions. This compelled Ali to leave his place where he was deterring the pagan forces from following Amr by crossing the Moat. Responding to Amr's challenge, he left that place temporarily to be defended by the few who were with him.
He neared Amr and asked him to face him in a duel. At this moment the Prophet (S.A.W.) uttered this historical sentence:"Entire faith is facing entire infidelity". Amr arrogantly replied: "Why, son of my brother (Amr was a friend of Abu Talib, father of Ali)? By God, I would not like to kill you." Ali replied: "But, by God; I would love to kill you." A short but extremely violent duel between the two heroes took place. Ali killed Amr immediately and Amr's companions ran away, trying to re-cross the moat from the Islamic side to the pagan side.
Ali exclaimed: "Allahu Akbar," (God is Great) and so did the Muslims. The death of Amr was the end of the new danger. Those who were with him ran away, trying to save their skin; but most of them were killed before they could cross to the other side.
Ali made a great contribution in the defense of Islam at this battle during which the danger against the new Faith reached its peak.
At this battle the Muslims faced a greater danger than ever before. The elements of the Islamic defense were the same three elements which played their roles during the two battles of Badr and Ohod: The firmness of the Messenger and his ideal leadership: the heroism of Ali; and the determination of the Islamic army.
A fourth element was added at this battle: The role of Salman Al-Farisi (the Persian) who counseled the Prophet to dig the moat around Medina.
The role of the Islamic army during the Battle of Ohodwas smaller than its role during the Battle of Badr. And it was less important at the Battle of the Moat than it was at the Battle of Ohod, for the Muslims during the Battle of the Moat did not even dare face the enemy. They only dug the moat around the city before the arrival of the pagan army then stood behind the moat until the end of the battle.
The roles of the first two defensive elements were similar to their roles at Badr and Ohod and probably bigger. The firmness of the Messenger, his leadership, his war strategy and his speed in digging the moat were most essential in making the Muslims pass the crisis safely.
Ali's role at this battle was outstanding in the history of the Islamic defense.
The magnitude of Ali's contribution
It would not be logical to say that the Muslims were unable collectively to kill Amr, who could not by himself prevail against thousands of Muslims. But this was not the case. Amr was calling for a duel. A duel could only be between two persons. It was considered to be shameful for two men or more to have a duel with one man. Amr challenged all the Muslims to send one of them to have a duel with him. None of them was willing to face him except Ali.
Nor would it be logical to say that Amr was the entire power of the pagan forces, and that his death was a defeat for the whole confederate army. But it would be logical to affirm two important matters:
1.Ali's initiative to block the passage point and prevent others from following Amr had stopped the danger and confined it. Had the passage point remained open, a great number of the pagan soldiers would have followed Amr and their passage could have resulted in establishing a bridge between the two sides of the moat. Such a bridge would enable the whole army to cross.
One hour of negligence could have led to a decisive defeat of the Islamic army. This did not happen because Ali was fast in his response to the new danger, present minded, calm and collective and ready to deal with the serious crisis.
2.The death of Amr proved to the pagan army that they were unable to pass the moat again, and that what Amr could not accomplish could not be accomplished by others. By this the pagan army had to face one of two alternatives: Withdrawal, or continuation of the siege until the Muslims surrender or were forced to cross the moat and fight the pagans. The continuity of the siege of Medina was beyond the ability of the pagan army. It did not have the food supplies for ten thousand fighters and their horses and camels, which could enable them to continue the siege for several months or weeks. In addition, a hurricane like wind went on causing the pagan army many damages and making its life miserable. The hurricane was preceded by an argument between the pagans and their Jewish allies, which made their co-operation in the battle highly difficult.
Thus, there was only one alternative for the pagan army to take after the failure of Amr and his death: The withdrawal and that is what they did.
We ought not to forget an important matter! The death of Amr and most of his companions raised the morale of the Muslims. Their hope in continuity of life and in victory was revived. All this was a result of Ali's endeavor, and by this we can understand the meaning of the declaration of the Prophet: "The duel of Ali Ibn Abu Talib against Amr Ibn Abd Wodd at the Battle of the Moat out weighs the good deeds of my whole nation until the Day of Judgment."
The Confederate Army withdrew and the Muslims passed the crisis safely. They regained their confidence concerning the future because of failure of the Confederate forces after their biggest mobilization. The Messenger said after their withdrawal: "After today, we shall invade them and they will not invade us."

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Islamic Marriage Articles, - The First Two Years: A Marriage Survival Guide

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More Muslim marriages in North America are breaking up in their first year than ever before, according to Shahina Siddiqui, executive director of the Islamic Social Services Association of the United States and Canada (ISSA).
The first five to seven years are the most challenging of any marriage. They are a time a couple spends getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other's habits and personalities.
Below are some of the main problems couples face in the early years and some possible solutions.
1. Lack of proper information before marriage
A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand. Some of these include:
*.whether or not the wife will work outside the home
*.will the couple wait to have children
*.which city and country the couple will live in after marriage
*.will they live with his parents or have their own apartment
These and other relevant issues need to be discussed and decided in the beginning stages of the marriage process.
2. Who's in charge?
One of the biggest problems is the tug-of-war between couples over who is in control in the relationship. This has led to a stalemate in disagreements, as well as bitter feelings.
Many couples today are refusing to compromise within moderation when differences arise.
While from an Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship, this does not mean he runs the couple's family life like a dictatorship.
It must be remembered that Islamically, a leader is one who serves, manages, provides and nourishes. A leader must also have humbleness and humility.
A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by being listening to and consulting (doing Shura) with his wife.
Also, a husband is bound to follow the rules of the Quran and Sunnah. So differences in opinion should be referred back to these sources, instead of becoming a source of tension and problems.
3. The divorce option
Once upon a time, "divorce" was the seven-letter word most Muslim couples avoided using. Today, amongst many Muslim couples in North America, it is one of the first recourses turned to when conflicts occur in marriage.
It should be remembered that out of all of the things Allah has made Halal, divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure.
They should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders who will try to help them resolve their differences. Generally, they need to make a sincere, concerted effort to try to work things out before divorce is seriously considered.
4. Sexual problems
It is unrealistic to expect the issue of sex and sex-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married.
In the sex-saturated culture of North America, couples tend to place very high expectations of each other in this area. They also expect instant results.
In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a sexual relationship in marriage which is in tune with the needs of each partner.
It's important for Muslim couples to walk into marriage with proper informationabout sex and sexual etiquette from an Islamic perspective. They need to know what is Halal (permissible) and what is Haram (forbidden). They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their sexual relationship with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem with the right person or authority figure.
On a similar note, it's important for both the husband and wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive to each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to now let themselves go. The couple or one of the partners may gain too much weight, or may not care about hygiene and their looks in general. The reverse should be true: spouses should take the time out for these things and give them even more attention after marriage. Our beloved Prophet has recommended husband and wife both to do that, May Allah's peace and blessings be upon him.
5. In-laws
The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It's one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa.
Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the Islamic rules of social relations with each other. These include: avoiding sarcasm, backbiting, calling each other by offensive nicknames, and making a special effort to respect each other as family members.
As well, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters. Husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents, etc.
In addition, there should be regular, healthy contact between spouses and in-laws. This can mean visiting each other at least once or twice a month, or calling if distance makes it difficult to get together.
6. Realism
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.
This is the plot of many a Hollywood and Bollywood movie, where everyone is "perfect". Real life is very different.
Couples may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But all humans have good and bad points. Husbands and wives have to learn to accept each other, warts and all.
6. Making a schedule and establishing rituals
Making a schedule may seem like an end to spontaneity but it's not.
This allows you to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It's especially important if both the husband and wife are going to school and/or working. In this scenario, a schedule helps in setting time aside for each other during a fast-paced week of work and studies.
Some rituals couples can establish may include:
*.praying at least one prayer together
*.attending a study circle together once a week
*.deciding on a weekly menu
*.having a pancake breakfast every Saturday morning
*.setting aside one day on which no work or studying will be done
*.setting a day when both the husband and wife will clean up the house
*.setting a time to discuss finances and a budget
*.making a phone contacting during the day
*.deciding on a particular day and time once a month at least to visit each other's parents
By discussing and setting up these rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same with separate lives.
7. Marriage as a restriction
Muslim men who have grown up in North America may find marriage restricting. After all, before, they could hang out with their buddies and get home by 11:00 p.m. and no one would say a word. After marriage though, they have to be home by 7:00 p.m if not earlier.
While marriage comes with responsibilities and a tighter schedule, the benefits are also there. It takes time and patience to realize that in the end the benefits (i.e. a life partner, kids, etc.) are greater than the restrictions.
8. Friends and Islamic activities
Friends are a joy and a good friend is someone you want to be close to for the rest of your life.
But friends are often the source of many marriage conflicts. Too much time spent with friends, either hanging out or on the phone, means time lost with a husband/wife.
Also, friends, especially if they are of the same age group, may give the wrong advice on marriage, due to their own inexperience in the area.
Some possible solutions to the friends dilemma could be:
*.working out a "friends time" at least once a week where the husband and the wife meet and/or talk with friends privately
*.developing friendships with other married couples so spouses can befriend spouses
Islamic activities fall in a similar category. Young Muslim activists may think they can keep attending those three-hour Muslim Students' Association meetings as they did before marriage. Not so.
Too much focus on outside Islamic activities takes away from spouse time. Give Islamic activities their due but within a balance of everyone's rights, including those of your spouse.
9. Not keeping secrets
A number of young married couples are notorious for not keeping secrets, especially related to sexual matters, and exposing their spouse's faults. This is not only unacceptable. It's unIslamic.
Couples should seek to hide each other's faults. They should seek advice on marriage problems from a "marriage mentor", someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy and has the best interests of both parties at heart.
10. Finances
How much should be spent on furniture, the house, food, etc. These are staple issues of any household and can lead to a tug-of-war between husband and wife.
To keep spending in check, husbands and wives need to draft a budget then stick to it. The household will run more efficiently and that's one less source of conflict in the marriage.
A special note to husbands: in the beginning of marriage, husbands tend to shower their wives with gifts. They do this as an expression of love and because they want to provide for their wives. However, as time passes and they keep giving, they go into debt or experience financial difficulty. As well, wives get used to a certain level of comfort which husbands can no longer afford.
Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not just reserved to material things. It includes spending time with her, and treating her with equity and kindness. In fact, most wives would prefer this kind of provision over expensive gifts.
11. Give each other space
A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other hand and foot.
Wives may initially take over all household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (i.e. ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.
Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This later may lead them to becoming irritable and cranky.
The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close physically and emotionally.

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