Islamic Marriage Articles, - Sunnahs of the Waleemah

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Importance of the Wedding Feast
The husband must sponsor a feast after the consummation of the marriage. This is based on the order of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) to one of his companions , Abur-Rahman ibn 'Auf (r) to do so, and on the hadith narrated by Buraida ibn At-Haseeb (r), who said: "When 'Ali (r) sought the hand of Faatimah (r) ,the Prophet's daughter, in marraige, he said that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:"A wedding (and in another version "a bridegroom") must have a feast."The narrator said: "Sa'ad (r) said: '(a feast) of a sheep.' Someone else said: 'Of such and such a quantity of corn." [Ahmad and at-Tabaraani: Its isnaad is acceptable as al-Haafiz Ibn Hajr says in Fathul-Baaree: 9/188]
The Sunnahs of the Wedding Feast
The following should be observed with regard to the wedding banquet:
First:It should be held ('aqb - Fathul Baaree: 9/242-244) three days after the first wedding night, since this is the tradition of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) which has reached us. On the authority of Anas (r) who said: "The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) entered upon his wife and sent me to invite some men for food." [al-Bukhaaree and al-Baihaqi].
Also on the authority of Anas (r), he said: "The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) married Safiya (r), and her freedom was her dowry. He gave the feast for three days." [Abu Ya'laa and others: Hasan].
Second:One should invite the righteous to his banquet whether they be rich or poor. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:"Do not be the friend of any except believers, and have only the pious eat your food."[Abu Dawood, at-Tirmidhee and others: Saheeh].
Third:If one is able, he should have a feast of one or more sheep. Based on the following hadith, Anas (r) said: "Abdur-Rahmaan (r) came to al-Madeenah, and the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) assigned Sa'ad ibn Ar-Rabee' al-Ansaariy (r) as his brother. Sa'ad took him to his house, called for food, and they both ate. The Sa'ad said: "O my brother, I am the wealthiest of the people of al-Madeenah (in another version: "... of the Ansaar"), so look to half of my property and take it (in another version: "... and I will divide my garden in half"). Also, I have two wives (and you, my brother in Allaah, have no wife), so look to which of mine pleases you more, so I can divorce her for you. Then upon the completion of the prescribed waiting period, you may marry her." 'Abdur-Rahmaan said: "No, by Allaah, may Allah bless you in your family and your property. Show me the way to the market-place."And so they showed him the way to the market-place and he went there. He bought and he sold and he made a profit. In the evening , he came back to the people of his house with some dried milk for cooking and some ghee. After that some time elapsed, until he appeared one day with traces of saffron on his garments. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to him:"What is this?"He said: "O Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), I have married a woman among the Ansaar." The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) answered:"What did you give her for her dowry?"He answered: "The weight of five dirhams in gold." Then, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:"May Allaah bless you, give a feast if only with one sheep."'Abdur-Rahmaan said: "I have seen myself in such a state that if I were to lift a stone, I would expect to find some gold or silver under it." Anas said: "I saw after his death that each of his wives inherited one hundred thousand Dinars." [Al-Bukhaaree, an-Nasaa'ee and others].
Also on the authority of Anas (r) he said: "I never saw the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) sponsor such a wedding feast as the one he gave for Zainab. He slaughtered a sheep and fed everyone meat and bread until they ate no more." [Al-Bukhaaree, Muslim and others].
It is allowed to give the wedding banquet with any food which is available and affordable, even if that does not include meat. This is based on the following hadith narrated by Anas (r): "The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) stayed between Khaibar and al-Madeenah for three days during which he had entered with his wife Safiya (r). Then I invited the Muslims to his Wedding feast. There was neither meat nor bread at his feast. Rather, leather eating mats were brought out and on them were placed dates, dried milk, and clarified butter. The people ate their fill." [Al-Bukhaaree, Muslim and others].
It is commendable for the wealthy to help in the preparations for the wedding feast based on the hadith narrated by Anas (r) about the Prophet's (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) marriage to Safiya (r): "Then, when we were on the road, Umm Sulaim (r) prepared her (Safiya) for him (the Prophet and brought her to him at night, and so the the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) awoke the next morning a new bridgegroom. Then he said:"Whoever has something, let him bring it."(In another version, he said"Whoever has an excess of provisions, let him bring it.") Anas continues: "And so the leather eating mats were spread out and one man would bring dried milk, another dates and another clarified butter and so they made Hais (hais is a mixture of the above three things). The people then ate of this hais and drank from pools of rainwater which were nearby, and that was the wedding feast of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)." [Al-Bukhaaree, Muslims and others].

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Women site, - Revealing Secrets, the Primary Adversary in Marital Life

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Marital bliss is the dream of every engaged girl and the goal of every wife. It is a dream and goal which is worthy of us exerting our utmost effort to attain. To reap the fruits of these efforts, we should be aware of the mistakes and enemies which threaten them. The wise person is the one who learns from the experience of others. There are many homes that do not enjoy this marital happiness, even though the spouses have done their best to achieve it. This has happened because they made mistakes which rendered their efforts futile. To protect your happiness, beware of these mistakes and avoid the adversaries.
One of the gravest blunders is 'revealing secrets'. Family secrets are a trust which should be preserved. Being negligent in preserving this trust makes one lose her husband’s trust. Therefore, beware of making the secrets of your home the topic of your chat or a heart-to-heart talk as you might imagine. Do not think that your friend will keep your secret which you could not keep yourself.
First and foremost, keeping the secrets of your home in general, and especially your intimate relations with your husband, is required underSharee‘ahand is part of your worship of Allaah The Almighty. In aHadeethon the authority of Asmaa’ bint Yazeed, may Allaah be pleased with her, she said that she was once sitting with the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, while men and women were present and the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:“Perhaps a man says what he does with his wife ]to others[ and perhaps a woman says what she does with her husband.”The people remained silent.Asmaa’, may Allaah be pleased with her, then said, “Yes, O Messenger of Allaah, men and women do so.”Hesallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallamsaid:“Do not do this. ]To do so[ is as if a male devil meets a female devil in the street and has sexual intercourse with her while people are watching them.”
Its Harm is Greater than its Benefit
Psychologists stress the fact that the wife’s heart-to-heart talk with her )female( friends and disclosing her home secrets mostly result in worry more than comfort. It is true that she may feel temporarily and immediately comfortable, but worry will dominate her when these secrets are spread and she reaps regret and loss. No man is ever pleased with having his marital life’s secrets disclosed. Umaamah bint Al-Haarith, may Allaah have mercy upon her, warned her daughter against this )before her wedding night( in her well-known advice when she said,“…If you reveal his secret, you will not be safe from his betrayal…”
Secrets are of Different Kinds and Degrees
The secrets of the home are not of the same degree of importance. There are secrets about the private relations between the spouses, which they should keep only to themselves. We previously mentioned the warning of the Prophet,sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, against revealing such secrets.
There are secrets that are relevant to the differences between the spouses. Revealing such secrets should be according to their gravity. The wise wife is the one who keeps these secrets and only reveals those which would help in solving the problem. However, she should not reveal them to her friends or relatives; rather, she should reveal them to those whom she believes to be wise and able to achieve the divine advice as conveyed in the verse where Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}And if you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allaah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allaah Is ever Knowing and Acquainted ]with all things[.{]Quran 4:35[ However, the wife should not hasten to do so as soon as a problem occurs or when any tiny problem surfaces. There are many problems which do not need any interference from anyone; rather, they need some wisdom and patience on the wife’s part.
A mother says, “My daughter was married ten years ago, and she never complained to me or to the father of her husband. She only told me about a problem once it had been solved. Her only request, when she faces a problem, is to ask me to supplicate to Allaah The Almighty for her, and I therefore know that she is facing a problem when she asks me insistently to supplicate to Allaah The Almighty for her.”
There are secrets that are relevant to the private affairs of the house. Such secrets should also not be revealed so that the family does not become an open book before other people. Allaah The Almighty Says )what means(:}Allaah presents an example of those who disbelieved: the wife of Nooh ]Noah[ and the wife of Loote ]Lot[. They were under two of Our righteous servants but betrayed them.{]Quran 66:10[ Some of the scholars ofTafseer)Quranic exegesis( commented on this verse saying that betrayal here means that the wife of Nooh, may Allaah exalt his mention, used to reveal his secrets. If anyone believed in Nooh, may Allaah exalt his mention, she would reveal it to the tyrant disbelievers. When Loote, may Allaah exalt his mention, received any guests, his wife would tell the depraved people of the tribe who practiced evil deeds )sodomy( in order to go to these guests and practice their immoral acts with them.

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Women site, - Magnifying Trivial Problems Demolishes Marital Life

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Magnifying the trivial problems of martial life wears it away and acts like a hammer that demolishes family life within seconds. Mrs. Jameelah Marzooq, a lecturer in instructive courses for brides, says,
Magnifying the trivial problems of matrimonial life and widening the range of problems between the spouses because of the slips of one or both of them enlarges the gap between them. Similarly, excessively blaming the other party for his/her minor slips and frequently speaking about faults in a critical way is a warning that problems between the spouses are going to be out of control. Of course, this may lead to many problems that may affect the martial life passively.
She calls for adopting flexibility in dealing with life’s affairs and avoiding the consequences of stubbornness, especially regarding the matters that are not on the list of priorities in marital life.
She adds,
Magnifying the minor problems of matrimonial life and paying excessive attention to them, usually leads to aggravating disputes between the spouses; rooting the disagreements between them. This also decreases the chances of attaining family stability and deprives the family from enjoying it. A wife who causes problems for no reason creates chances for deepening the spirit of disagreements within her matrimonial life and stirs up storms of disturbance as well as daily quarrels. This may weaken the communication within martial life and even destroy it completely. A husband who confides in his wife and then finds that she turns it into a host of problems, would inevitably avoid speaking to her or discussing anything with her in the future so as to avoid these kind of problems. Thus, the language of dialogue between the spouses diminishes and their bonds disintegrate.
The Way of Serving Chicken on a Plate
Jameelah Al-Marzooq related a story in this regard about a wife that left her husband’s house and stayed in her father’s house for more than two months following a disagreement over how she should serve chicken, saying,
The real examples that may be mentioned in this regard are like the case of a wife who prepared lunch during the second week of her marriage. She put the chicken on the plate of rice in a way that did not appeal to her husband who immediately started making problems, arousing disputes and disagreements over a trivial matter that is of no importance in the context of the martial life.
Toothpaste was About to Cause Divorce
She mentioned another story about toothpaste that was about to cause a divorce between the spouses, saying,
One day, a wife forgot to close the tube of toothpaste after using it, so it dried up by the next morning. This outraged her husband, who started attacking his wife with endless insults and criticism. Furthermore, he described her with the worst attributes and accused her of being careless, impolite, and ill-mannered. Another wife forgot to change the soap bar when it was almost finished, and her husband transformed this minor problem into a major one and heaped accusations and insults upon her.
Jameelah Al-Marzooq warned against exhausting ourselves psychologically and wearing ourselves out over trivial matters calling for disdaining such behavior and putting such problems aside. This is because the spouses are required to take care of and discuss matters that are related to the core of their matrimonial life. For example, they should discuss the life of their children and the way of securing the future of the family as well as the way of achieving the aspirations of the spouses in the best way.
Deliberation before issuing judgments or causing disputes over trivial things should be on top of the list of priorities of the spouses and they should take care of this important issue. Otherwise, this may lead to fights and disputes that could destroy the marital life.
Good Speech and Calm Dialogue are the Best Conditioner
Jameelah Al-Marzooq sees that good speech and calm dialogue are the best remedy for treating the problems before they get worse. Moreover, good speech is a successful solution for quenching the fire of anger before it turns into an outrageous volcano that may engulf the matrimonial life and make its skies clouded with continuous disagreements.
At the end of her speech, she reiterated her warnings against magnifying minor problems warning not to let them turn into bombs that kill compatibility between the spouses. She advised each husband and wife to try to pacify the other party when he or she gets angry or even leaving the partner until he/she calms down instead of meeting anger with anger.

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