Forget fashion, this is freedom

The Muslim veil has become a hot political issue in France - but
Stella White cannot see what the fuss is about. A Catholic from Kent,
she explains the joys of the complete cover-up
To liberated Westerners, the hijab, or veil, is a stain on womankind.
It symbolises the crushing of the female spirit and isthe mark of
slavery, transforming a woman into a passive lump who is only allowed
out of thehouse to buy her husband's dinner.
When faced with this piece-of-cloth-on-legs, English women will
oftenmeet the eyes peeking out of the hijab with an expression of pity
and sadness. For them, the veil represents a living death. This might
also be the feeling of the French authorities, who have decided to ban
the hijab in schools, believing that no young girl should have to
carry the burden of repression on her tender head.
Yet for many, including myself, the veil is not an instrument of
coercion, but a means of liberation. Personally, I have never felt so
free as I do when I am wearing it.
Before you presume that I am regurgitating propaganda from a culture
that has brainwashed me, I should point out that I am a Catholic, not
a Muslim. I am not from themysterious East, but am a 32-year-old woman
from boring Kent. Nor am I a prude: my life has included spells as an
exotic dancer, kissogram and glamour model. Three of my best friends
are strippers. I have had relationships with Muslimmen, but none of
them ever demanded I wear the hijab; in fact, they found my behaviour
slightly embarrassing. There is nobody in my past that has coerced me
to wear a veil. I do so simply because I love it.
I relish the privacy; the barrier that the hijab creates between
myself and the harsh, frenetic world, especially in London. I find a
great peace behind the veil: I don't feel invaded by nosy passers-by;
the traffic, noise and crowds seem less overwhelming. I can retreat
into my ownsafe world even as I walk and, on a practical level, Ifeel
completely secure from unwanted advances.
The hijab is also a financial security system. Like most pedestrians
in London, I can't afford to give money to every homeless person I
see, but feel stressed and guilty when I walk past them. In my hijab,
my conscience can hide. I also feel fairly safe from muggers. Thieves
glance at me and probably think, "illegal immigrant; not worth the
effort", presuming that my big carrier bags contain only weird,
knobbly vegetables for my 16 children.
In my hijab, shopping is also cheaper. A small minority of Muslim
traders operate a two-tier pricing system with the "one of us" price
being considerably lower than the price for Westerners. If I want a
bargain, I make sure I am"hijabbed-up".
The most amazing effect of wearing the veil is thatyou automatically
seem to become a member of the Muslim community and are accorded all
of the privileges and dignityof a Muslim woman. When I walk into a
Muslim shop, a man will say to me, gently,"Salaam aleikum [peace be
upon you]. How can I help you, madam?" On the bus, Muslim men
fromAfrica, the Middle East or the Far East will move aside for me and
say,"After you, sister."
The offices, bars and clubs of London are full of English girls in
short skirts and strappy sandals, many of them looking for love. Women
who wear the hijab, often despised by the West, actually feel sorry
for these Western women who have to harm themselves with crippling
high heels, skin-choking make-up and obsessive dieting in order to
find a man.
My Iranian friend Mona isa successful businesswoman who goes out every
day looking impeccable, withpainted nails, stilettos, sharp suits and
perfect make-up. "It was just so much easier when I was in Iran," she
says. "You'd get up at nine, throw on your big black hooded dress and
jump in the car. Now, I have to spend two or three hours getting done
up every morning."
Too often, the hijab is dismissed as the preserveof Muslim
fundamentalists. But in the Christian tradition, St Paul ordered women
to cover their heads and, until the Sixties, no woman would be seen
inan English church without a hat and gloves.Many English women wore
hats out in the street or headscarves tiedunder their chin. Hindu and
Sikh women are still expected to cover their heads loosely for their
honour, or izzat, and Orthodox Jewish women have traditionally worn
wigs over their real hair to conceal it from men who are not their
husbands. Yet, among all these cultural groups, only Muslim women
seemto have been described as weak or oppressed on account of their
headgear.
Two of the most unlikely bedfellows are the woman who wears a hijab
and the militant feminist. When women inthe early Seventies
begancropping their hair short,and wearing dungarees and comfortable
shoes, they were rejecting the idea of suffering for fashion and were
refusing to take part in the desperate ritual to attract spoilt, fussy
males.Similarly, a woman in a hijab can retain her identity without
being a slave to finicky Western notions of beauty.
A particularly sad article appeared in a popular women's magazine last
week, entitled: "How to hate your body less." I showed it to my Arab
friend Malika, who shookher head and said: "In myculture, men are so
grateful when they marrya woman that they see her as a gorgeous
princess, whatever shapeor size she is."
Within the hijab, Muslim women know their power and their value. One
Muslim man told me:"My wife is like a beautiful diamond. Would you
leave a precious diamond to get scratched or stolen in thestreet? No,
you would wrap it in velvet. And that is how the hijab protects my
wife, who is more precious to me than any jewel."
Of course, if anybody tried to remove my veil or force me to wear it,
I would react violently. I am privileged to live in a country in which
I can wear whatever I want to.Not all women are so lucky. Personally,
I have found in the hijab a kind of guardian angel. My mother, on the
other hand, claims that I wear it because I can't be bothered to brush
my hair.

The Distorted Image of Muslim Women

Since the height of the feminist movement in thelate 70's there has
been amagnifying glass placed over the status of Muslim women.
Unfortunately, the magnifying glass thathas been used is an unusual
one. Unusual in the sense that it is very selective about which items
it will magnify; other items it will distort to such a degree that
they will no longer look familiar. I remember once reading in an "in
depth" article about the lives of Muslim women. This article
"explained" that at any time a man can divorce his wife by simply
stating "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you". This article
can lead anyone ignorantof the Islamic ruling regarding divorce to
believe that in less than five seconds the woman is left with no
husband and is left to care for herself (and possibly children) by any
means necessary. The question that immediately poppedup in my mind
was, "Did the author innocently write that out of sincere ignorance or
was it another of the many attempts to degrade the religion of Islam
and its followers (muslims)?" It may be my own paranoia, but I tend to
believe it was the latter of the two.
The truth of the matter is that Islam has the most humane and most
just system of divorce that exists. Firstly, many options are taken
and tried before coming to the decision of the divorce. If the man and
woman decide that they can no longer live together successfully as a
husband and wife, the husband (in most cases, not always) pronounces
the divorce by saying "I divorce you". At this point the waiting
period begins. The waiting period lasts for three menstrual cycles to
assure the woman is not pregnant. This period allows the couple time
to think about what they are doing and if this is what they really
want to do. There are no lawyers involved to antagonise an already
delicate situation.
In the case that it is realised, that the woman is pregnant, the
waiting period lasts the entire time she is pregnant. During the
waiting period (whether the woman is pregnant or not) the man is
obligatedto provide food, clothing and shelter to the woman as he did
before the divorce pronouncement. If the couple carries the divorce
through to the birth of the child and the woman suckles the baby, the
man is obligated to feed and clothe both his ex-wife for the time the
woman suckles (the maximum being two years). After this weaning, the
child will be provided for by the father until he/she is no longer in
need of support.
It is quite ironic that in such an "advanced society" as America,
thereare divorce cases in which women are being forced to pay alimony
to their ex-husbands. Can this and many other things we know about the
American system of divorce compare to the Islamic system of divorce?
I have also read stories wherein it is stated that women are forced to
marry men without their consent. This in no way resembles the marriage
system in Islam. In Islaam the woman marries the man of her choice.
She may even marry someonethat her mother and/or father objects to.
The point is that it is the woman who makes the final decision as to
whomshe will marry. Once the man and the woman decide that they are
interested in one anotherfor marriage, a dowry is decided upon. A
dowry isnot a brides price but, it is a gift from the groom to the
bride. They agree upon a gift that is affordable by the groom. In the
time of the Prophet (sas), often things such as livestock and money
were given. This is a wise decision in the event that a woman becomes
divorced or widowed, she has some financial security to fall back on
even if it is for a limited amount of time. Once the man and woman are
married, the man is required to clothe,feed, shelter and educateher
(or allow her to be educated) in the same manner as he does himself.
The last distorted image that I will cover is that of the Muslim
women's dress. The western influenced media portrays our dress to be
outdated and oppressive.Needless to say however, I differ with these
adjectives. Our dress codedoes not hinder us from doing anything
productive in our lives. Muslim women maintain a variety of jobs, non
of which are devalued nor hampered due to their dress code. And as for
thetiming of muslims women's dress during these contemporary times, it
seems most appropriate due to decreasing morals in the world today.
For those who say that Islamic dress is outdated, they speak from
great ignorance. The decreasing morality and trials of this time makes
Hijaab even more in need. More than ever before sex crimes are
rampant. Although this society tells women they can wear what they
wantto wear, anytime a rape occurs the woman is the one put on trial
an one ofthe first questions is,"What were you wearing?" This concept
seems as though it is a set up directed against the so called
contemporary woman. Also there is a direct correlation between the
respect a man has for a woman and the amount of her body her body she
displays flauntingly.
In conclusion, I hope this article helped to clear up some
distorted/misunderstood aspects of Islam and women. Women in Islam are
respected and held inhigh regard. We will never find success
and/orsolutions to our problemsuntil we realise that Allaah knows best
and that this disbelieving society will ruin itself.

Advice to women regarding marriage – II

What to do upon receiving a proposal:
The young woman should pray Istikhaarah (i.e., the Prayer of Guidance)
and not to ask others to pray it on her behalf, as some women do, as
this is a baseless act and an innovation in the religion. Furthermore,
she shouldseek the advice of trustworthy people and inquire about the
person.
Imaam Ahmad reported the story of Julaybeeb who was sent by the
Prophet to one of the families of the Ansaar (i.e., the residents of
Madeenah) to give him their daughter in marriage. Julaybeeb was very
impoverished and so the young woman's mother reused the offer, but the
young woman spoke out and agreed to marry him because he was sent to
her by the Prophet himself. The result was that she never suffered in
any way, and that there was no other woman of the Ansaar who was
wealthier than her. This is because Julaybeeb was killed in the very
next battle that occurred after his marriage, having killed seven
disbelievers in it. Upon finding his body, the Prophet carried him and
buried him with his own hands. He also supplicated for the widow,
saying: "O Allaah! Pour Your blessings upon her and do not make her
suffer in life." It was due to this supplication that she never
suffered, in any way, and that there was no woman from the Ansaar
wealthier than her.
If the man proposing wishes thathis future wife give up her studies or
job after marriage, andhe is a suitable man, then this should not
hamper the marriage.Also, if the man finds such a young woman to be a
suitable one, he should not reconsider marrying her due to this, as he
could marry her and then convince her after marriage to give it up.
Similarly, the family and the young woman should not refuse a proposal
from a man due to him having children from a previous marriage.
Some young women overlook certain matters, such as the man's looks and
wealth, only to have misgivings and regret their decision later.
Therefore, the young woman should be absolutely sure before giving her
approval and be honest with herself when she makes her decision.
Moreover, she should becontent with him based on religious
convictions. Some women always advise their friends regarding the
matter of being a second wife, stating that it is an integral part of
Islaam and that they should not refuse aman simply because he is
already married; however, when they themselves get married as second
wives, they act very differently to the advice they gaveothers, due to
their covetousness.
The young woman should be a facilitating factor in her marriage;she
should, for example, refuse to set unbearable conditions or a high
dowry, but if her family insists, then she should nominally agree and
then relieve her husband of such difficulties later on.
Some women behave arrogantly towards their husbands due to holding
advanced degrees, having a noble lineage, the wealth of their
families, or their beauty. The result of this arrogance is that they
act rebelliously towards their husbands and thus acquire sin.
Fears of some young women in the process of marriage:
Some young women fear the imminent loss of their close friends and
sisters due to their impending marriage. This may cause them to hate
the future husband, perhaps causing them, prior to the wedding night,
to goas far as to seek to annul the marriage contract.
This could happen for many reasons, such as:
Improperly assessing the consequences of such actions.
Having an irresponsible and reckless attitude.
Favouring the joy of the short term over the long term one of having
children and the establishment of a happy marital life.
Also, the husband should not deprive his wife of her female friends
and relatives. The Prophet would allow the female friends of 'Aa'ishah
to visit her.
When a young woman is being proposed to, she should educate herself
about the rulings of marriage, the rights of the husband, the rights
of the wife, and how to live in kindness and harmony with her spouse.
On theother hand, she should not concern herself with studying
thesexual aspects of marital life untilthe marriage contract is
completed.
The wife's role in her home :
This is to serve her husband, bear, nurse, and nurture his children,
and be a housewife.
If a woman is used to being immersed in the study and propagation of
Islaam, and then marries whilst not clearly having in mind a role as a
wife, she may begin feeling, very shortly after marriage, that her new
role as a wife is a trivial one. This may cause her to begin leaving
her house to resume her former lifestyle. It is vital, however, that
she understand her role and obligation as a wife and the reward of
fulfilling them. Anas reported that the Prophet said : "If a woman
prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month(i.e. the month of
Ramadhaan), guards her private parts and obeys her husband, she will
enterParadise from any of its gates that she wishes." [Abu Nu'aym]
The married woman must persevere through the hardships of pregnancy,
pre-delivery contractions and the agony of the delivery itself. Some
women refuse to go through such hardships and take birth control pills
to prevent pregnancy, or, if they do get pregnant, prefer a caesarean
section over a normal delivery.
'Amr Ibn Hijr married Kindah Bint 'Awf Ash-Shaybaani . On her wedding
night, her mother, Umaamah Bint Al-Haarith took her aside and advised
her: "Dear daughter! You are leaving the environment which you are
accustomed to and departing from the place you grew up in to a partner
whom you are unfamiliar with. If a woman had no need of a husband due
to her parents sufficing her, then you would be the last person to
require a husband, but women were created to be the partners of men,
and men were created to be the partners of women. Act like his slave,
and he will become like your slave. Uphold the following ten matters
and you will find them to be provisions: The first and second are to
be content with what he provides and to listen to and obey him. The
third and the fourth are to make sure that all he sees and smells from
you are pleasing to him, so he should not see you in a displeasing
appearance, nor smell anything but a fine fragrance from you. The
fifth and the sixth are to comfort him in his sleep and food, because
repeated hunger and lack of sleep will enflame his anger. The seventh
and the eighth are to protect his wealth and take care of his
children; the focal point regarding wealth is to have good judgement
in spending it, and that regarding the children is to properly nurture
them. The ninth and the tenth are to not disobey his commands or
disclose his secrets, because when you disobey him you intimidate him,
and if you disclose his secrets youwould not know what he may doto
you. Do not be joyful in front of him when he is upset, or express
sadness if he is happy."
'Abdullaah Ibn Ja'far addressed his daughter saying: "Avoid jealousy,
as it is the key to your divorce; avoid complaint, as it instigates
anger; adorn yourselffor him, and make sure you washaway any bad
odours by frequentbathing."
Pre-marital errors on the part of women:
Freely talking to males on the telephone and being open with male relatives.
Being over confident and rejecting many of those who propose.
Not differentiating between wisdom and fast rejection.
Not having the criterion by whichto judge the proposing person clearly in mind.
Finally, many young women wish to get married but they waste their
time daydreaming and wishfully thinking about the idealhusband. This
is all fruitless; the best way for them to attain a good husband would
be to busy themselves in supplicating to Allaah to provide such a
person.

Advice to women regarding marriage – I

Abu Hurayrah reported that the Prophet said: "If a man whose religious
commitment and moral conduct you approve of proposes for marriage to
your daughter, then marry her to him; otherwise, trials will prevail
and great corruption will spread upon the earth." [At-Tirmithi & Ibn
Maajah] Imaam As-Sindi commented upon this narration, saying: "A
person's religious commitment assures fulfilling hisobligations, and
his good moral conduct assures his kind treatment of others."
The spread of corruption and evil is the natural result of people
refusing to marry their daughtersoff to men whose religious practice
and morals are good, preferring instead to delay and marry them to
those with more wealth, or from a more honourable lineage. This
results in many young men and women remaining unmarried, which causes
fornication to prevail, immorality to overwhelm, and chastity to
vanish.
Imaam At-Teebi said: "This narration supports the ruling of Imaam
Maalik over the others, in which he (i.e. Maalik) said that competence
for marriage should be based only on religious commitment and moral
conduct."
Some scholars have stated that if the guardian repeatedly rejects men
who propose for marriage to his daughter for no legitimate Islamic
reason, then this could nullify his guardianship over her.
Some women set impossible conditions for future husbands, such as him
memorising the entire Quran as well as the Hadeeth collections of
Al-Bukhaari, Muslim and so on. Moreover, some of them may even go as
far as to demand a man whose character is like that of Imaam
Al-Bukhaari .
This is totally incorrect; all a man has to meet are the two
conditions set in the abovementioned narration; namely, religious
commitment and a high moral character.
How can pious men and women be brought together in marriage?
The righteous men and women in the community should play a strong role
in this. For example, the wife could become a contact for the women
and the husband for the men. The young women should not give up the
condition of the man being religious on thepretext that they will work
on him and transform him to a pious man after marriage, unless the man
is known to adhere, in general, to his Islamic obligations, as well as
having noble morals and shunning sins. In such a case, he may be a
candidate worth considering.
People's stance when asked about the man proposing:
Some people, when asked about a man who is proposing to their
daughter, give general answers and avoid being precise. They say
things like: 'He is a nice man', 'He is a kind person', 'His father is
a good man and his grandfather was religious', 'Much good is expected
from him and he is handsome', 'He is polite and wealthy' and so on. It
is after the marriage takes place that the bitter reality surfaces and
the young woman come to know him for who he really is, only after it
is too late.
Others conceal the faults of the proposing man when asked about him
due to the fear of him,or what he may do if he found out, or because
they think that todo otherwise would be to backbite; but the Prophet
said, when asked by Faatimah Bint Qays about two Companions who had
proposed marriage to her: "Abu Jahm is a man who never lowers his
stick (i.e. he beats his wives), and as for Abu Sufyaan, he is
extremely poor and possesses nowealth." She said: "I like neither of
them" The Prophet said: "Marry Usaamah Bin Zayd" So she married him
and Allaah blessed their marriage, granting her a joyful life.
The one being asked should clarify everything he knows aboutthe person
who is proposing without exaggeration, and should fear Allaah
regarding what he says. He should mention his merits as well as his
faults; heshould mention only that which he is certain of and act as
if the young woman is his own daughter or sister. This is because
marriage is a long term commitment and not an interim one. Marriage is
a relationship that is meant to last until the grave, unless there is
a valid reason to end it; and divorce frequently occurs when people
marry their daughter to a person whom they do not know well enough.
The behaviour of some young women who seek marriage:
Some young women offer themselves in marriage to young men over the
telephone, which isdisastrous as the man may be a sinner, and some
sins are more lethal than others. For example, ifthe man deals in
Ribaa (i.e. interest or usury) then his and hisfamily's provision,
food, drinks and clothing will be ill-gotten. Moreover, even a sinner
would not typically marry a woman whooffers herself to him on the
telephone. He may play around with her for a while, but when heis
serious in his search for a wife, he will seek a chaste and
well-mannered woman. A man who had such a friend was amazed at seeing
him marrying ayoung woman who was fully adherent to the Hijaab; upon
asking why he did so, the friend replied: "I wish to marry a woman
whom I would be sure ofnot finding in bed with another man upon
returning home one day." This is how men perceive young women who
freely and easily talk to them on the telephone.
The young woman and her familyor guardian must investigate the man who
is proposing to her so that they can discover whether ornot he is
putting on an act in order to appear as if he is a committed Muslim.
Histories:
It is not a condition for either of them to inform the other of
theirprevious sins, especially if they have sincerely repented and
then adhered to piety.
The vitalness of transparency:
It is very important that both the man and the woman are clear with
one another from the very beginning and agree on everything before the
contract is finalised.
If the family refuses the proposing man to see the daughter, then he
should, at the very least, get a clear description of her.