life. I really love and care for my husband and I am always trying to
make him happy but a lot of times I feel that he isn't trying hard
enough to make me happy. First of all, I know that marriage is a
commitment between husband and wife, where each person listens and
respects each other's thoughts and feelings. A lot of times, I try out
of my way to give my husband all the support heneeds, but I admit,
some times out of frustration I have said hurtful things tohim because
of his behavior.
I feel a lot of times he triesto order me around and he even said that
if I did everything he says immediately, he would know that I really
love him. I feel that his thinking of what love is, isn't correct. He
has to understand that ordering me around isn't the way to talk to
one's spouse, and if he needs something, it should be said kindly and
sincerely. I am not his slave, but his wife. If he needs anything,I
would gladly do it for him, but I will not be talked down to like I am
under him or something.
My therapist (who is American) believes that what he is thinking is
cultural since I was born inAmerica and he was born in South Asia, but
I feel it is not really Islamic thinking. Even though I was born in
America, I have maintained my Islamic identity, and have avoided a lot
of things I feel in America are not in tune with Islam.
In addition, my husband puts his relatives and friends way above me. I
have no problem with himcalling his relatives and friends because it
is good to keep in contact with others, but he seems to put them WAY
above me. Ifeel like he ignores me and is more interested in being
with other people inhis life.
Also, I feel I cannot share any of my feelings with him without him
getting angry. One time, I was crying about how hurt I felt when one
of my cousins did something wrong with me, and he immediately got
angry with me and said that I always find fault with others and that I
don't likeanyone. What he is saying isn't true. I like to maintain my
family relations, but they are not more important to me than my
husband. I felt that I would get some emotional support from him, but
instead, it leads to a BIG fight and then we both say bad things to
each other.
I feel like he feels very strongly about family relations more than he
feels strongly about me. He gets mad when anything is said against
other people, like they are so important to him. I really don't
understand this thinking. He even tried to pack his suit case and
leave from the house when I tried to express myfeelings about
something that was troubling me about someone else. He said that if he
had any relatives living nearby, he would go and live with them and
leave me and this hurt me so much because he feels like they are more
important than me.
I don't know what to do. I understand he is new to America (he's only
been in this country for 7 months),but we are constantly arguing and
fighting about little things. In terms of him finding a job,that has
been a source of great difficultly in our marriage. I am doing
everything for him, but he is doing nothing. He speaks English very
well and even Americans compliment his English, but he has no
confidence in his abilities. He speaks so many languages too and he
had a good job before. However, it seems like he is scared to take the
initiative to apply for ajob. I am filling out all his job
applications and doingeverything for him! He even said to me that I am
responsible for him finding a job because he isnew to this country and
doesn't know anything. Is that fair what he is saying? I don't think
any wife has the responsibility to find a job for her husband. He has
to do thathimself!
Then he constantly gets depressed because he isn'tgetting any job
offers, but he is scared to talk on the phone to the manager or
whoever is hiring for the jobs he applies to, to market himself. He
seems to have absolutely no confidence. In fact, he received a
voicemail on hiscell phone for a job interview, and I had to callthe
company for him. Then when I gave him the phone and told him to leave
a message stating that he received their message and would be
interested in setting up aninterview, he got mad at me and hung up the
phone and started yelling at me about why I gave him the phone to
leave a message. How will anyonegive him a job if he is afraid to
speak for himself?
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