5. Cool and Tough Music--Cool and tough people only listen to two
bands: Widespread Panic and/or Phish. It is cool and tough to talk
about how much you like the Grateful Dead,but you don't have to
actually listen to them. It is extremely important to have as many of
the most obscure Widespread Panic and/or Phish bootlegs as you can
possibly find. As you play the bootlegs, narrate to your listeners how
many narcotics/psychedelics youwere able to force into your body
throughout the course of the particular concert you are listening to.
Also, you are never to refer to the concerts as"concerts." The cool
and tough terminology is"Show," i.e., "That was a bad-ass Panic Show,
man. Gee, I'm really cool. And tough."
6. Doing Drugs Like You're Cool and Tough--Cool and tough people take
lots of drugs. It is important that you can handle your drugs. It is
important that you can handle your drugsif you want to become cool and
tough. Cool and tough drugs include (but are not limited to): Ecstasy,
LSD, Blow, any andall pills, nitrous oxide (or any common substitute),
and the most important cool and tough drug, marijuana (see rule 7).
Cool and tough people arealways doing some or all of these drugs at
Shows, parties, football games, or just when hanging aroundthe
fraternity house on a Tuesday afternoon. No matter what people tell
you, drugs will most certainly make you cool and tough.
7. The Cool and Tough Way to Smoke Pot--We've already established that
it is definitely cool and tough to smoke marijuana. However, thereis a
method of doing this that will make you all the more cool and tough.
Cool and tough people always say they smoke really good pot, whether
it's all that good or not. This"good pot" is most commonly referred to
as Nugs, Dank, KB, Dodja, or Nadge. Also, cool and tough people spend
a great deal of money on different forms of paraphernalia such as
glass pipes, one-hitters, and bongs. Refer to these materials lovingly
as your"piece." Only smoke pot with other cool and tough people. Have
arguments and debates over who smokes the most pot. Also,always offer
it to girls, no matter how straight they look. They may want to smoke,
you never know. Secretly, they want to be cool and tough, too. They
just don't like to admit it, sometimes.
8. Cool and Tough on Campus--The cool and tough man never walks alone.
In fact, he should strive to surround himself with other specimens of
coolness and toughness. The cool and tough man should do everything in
his power to observe and mimic actions, speech patterns, and the
general demeanor of everyone around them. The cool andtough man would
never try to be a special or unique butterfly. He knows the ancient
secrets of coolness and toughnesslike unoriginality and social
paranoia. The cool and tough man should always have a slight grin,
conveying an image of total control and enlightenment. And he should
be ready at any moment to belittle anyone he doesn't think is cool or
tough.
9. Cool and Tough Out on the Town--The first thing to remember here is
the party for a cool and tough person begins way before the party for
everyone else. Start drinking and ingesting narcotics sometime around
one in the afternoon and keep a steady pace until it's time to go to
the bar. Once you have reached the bar, make sure everyone there knows
just how fucked up you are. This way, they'll know that you are in
fact cool and tough. Some people will tell you to "be a gentleman" and
buy drinks for all girls you talk to. This is wrong. The cool and
tough person only buys drinks for girls he knows he can probably sleep
with later. Generally ignore all other girls. They are of no use to
the cool and tough man. After the bar closes, the cool and tough
person must alwaysdrive home. A cool and tough person would NEVER
allow someone elseto take them home from the bar, because doing so
would mean admitting that you were too fucked up to drive yourself
home.And that isn't very cool or tough.
10. Cool and Tough on Game day--While it's cool and tough to have a
date for game day, it is extremely important that by the end of the
weekend...
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