careful of (your duty to) Allah and speak the right word." (33:70)
I remember my dad teaching me the power of language at a very young
age. Not only did my dad understand that specific words affect our
mental pictures, but he understood words are a powerful programming
factor in lifelong success.
One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As a
kid, I was always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around
upside down from the rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no
surprise for my dad to find me at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging
back and forth. My little eight-year-old brain didn't realize the tree
could break or I could get hurt. I just thought it was fun to be up so
high.
My older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree. She was hanging on
the first big limb, about ten feet below me. Tammy's mother also
noticed us at the exact time my dad did. About that time a huge gust
of wind came over the tree. I could hear the leaves start to rattle
and the tree begin to sway. I remember my dad's voice over the wind
yell, "Bart, Hold on tightly." So I did.
The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming at the top of her
lungs, laying flat on the ground. She had fallen out of the tree.
I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why she fell
and I did not. Apparently, when Tammy's mother felt the gust of wind,
she yelled out, "Tammy, don't fall!" And Tammy did fall.
My dad then explained to me that the mind has a very difficult time
processing a negative image. In fact, people who rely on internal
pictures cannot see a negative at all. In order for Tammy to process
the command of not falling, her nine-year-old brain had to first
imagine falling, then try to tell the brain not to do what it just
imagined. Whereas, my eight-year-old brain instantly had an internal
image of me hanging on tightly.
This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to break a
habit or set a goal. You can't visualize not doing something. The only
way to properly visualize not doing something is to actually find a
word for what you want to do and visualize that. For example, when I
was thirteen years old, I played for my junior high school football
team. I tried so hard to be good, but I just couldn't get it together
at that age. I remember hearing the words run through my head as I was
running out for a pass, "Don't drop it!" Naturally, I dropped the
ball.
My coaches were not skilled enough to teach us proper "Self-Talk."
They just thought some kids could catch and others couldn't. I'll
never make it pro, but I'm now a pretty good Sunday afternoon football
player, because all my internal dialogue is positive and encourages me
to win. I wish my dad had coached me playing football instead of just
climbing trees. I might have had a longer football career.
Here is a very easy demonstration to teach your kids and your friends
the power of a toxic vocabulary. Ask them to hold a pen or pencil.
Hand it to them. Now, follow my instructions carefully. Say to them,
"Okay, try to drop the pencil." Observe what they do.
Most people release their hands and watch the pencil hit the floor.
You respond, "You weren't paying attention. I said TRY to drop the
pencil. Now please do it again." Most people then pick up the pencil
and pretend to be in excruciating pain while their hand tries but
fails to drop the pencil.
The point is made. If you tell your brain you will "give it a try,"
you are actually telling your brain to fail. I have a "no try" rule in
my house and with everyone I interact with. Either people will do it
or they won't. Either they will be at the party or they won't. I'm
brutal when people attempt to lie to me by using the word try. Do they
think I don't know they are really telegraphing to the world they have
no intention of doing it but they want me to give them brownie points
for pretended effort? You will never hear the words "I'll try" come
out of my mouth unless I'm teaching this concept in a seminar.
If you "try" and do something, your unconscious mind has permission
not to succeed. If I truly can't make a decision I will tell the
truth. "Sorry John. I'm not sure if I will be at your party or not.
I've got an outstanding commitment. If that falls through, I will be
here, Insha Allah. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks for the invite."
People respect honesty. So remove the word "try" from your vocabulary.
My dad also told me that psychologists claim it takes seventeen
positive statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea
if it is true, but the logic holds true. It might take up to seventeen
compliments to offset the emotional damage of one harsh criticism.
These are concepts that are especially useful when raising children.
Ask yourself how many compliments you give yourself daily versus how
many criticisms. Heck, I know you are talking to yourself all day
long. We all have internal voices that give us direction.
So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you short changing
yourself with toxic self-talk like, "I'm fat. Nobody will like me.
I'll try this diet. I'm not good enough. I'm so stupid. I'm broke,
etc. etc."
If our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong
statement, imagine the kind of programming you are doing on a daily
basis with your own internal dialogue. Here is a list of Toxic
Vocabulary words. Notice when you or other people use them.
*.BUT: Negates any words that are stated before it.
*.TRY: Presupposes failure.
*.IF: Presupposes that you may not.
*.MIGHT: It does nothing definite. It leaves options for your listener.
*.WOULD HAVE: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen.
*.SHOULD HAVE: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen (and implies guilt.)
*.COULD HAVE: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't
actually happen but the person tries to take credit as if it did
happen.
*.CAN'T/DON'T: These words force the listener to focus on exactly the
opposite of what you want. This is a classic mistake that parents and
coaches make without knowing the damage of this linguistic error.
Examples:
*.Toxic phrase: "Don't drop the ball!"
*.Likely result: Drops the ball
*.Better language: "Catch the ball!"
*.Toxic phrase: "You shouldn't watch so much television."
*.Likely result: Watches more television.
*.Better language: "I read too much television makes people stupid.
You might find yourself turning that TV off and picking up one of
those books more often!"
Exercise:
*.Take a moment to write down all the phrases you use on a daily basis
or any Toxic Self-Talk that you have noticed yourself using. Write
these phrases down so you will begin to catch yourself as they occur
and change them.
Forge a positive relationship with the world around you and the world
will become a better place for you to live. And remember: Make
positive Self-Talk a daily practice.
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