Question:
Firstly, jazakumullah khayran for the honorable service you are
rendering to the islamic community by making us more aware of our
responsibilities. I have browsed answers from your site relating to my
question. But I felt it could be somewhat different to what I have
seen so far, although it could also be that I have missed any such
points previously or an answer. I am intending to marry a girl from
whom I live away, as I am studying abroad. I must admit I don't feel
good about starting the relationship which happened quite a while
back, when I was not so aware of my obligations towards being a
muslim. We just went out to eat etc, a few times and it wasn't proper
conduct on our part. We have decided not to ever meet before marriage
inshAllah. There has been no formal engagement though. I have some
knowledge about few verses in the Quran and authentic hadiths which
relates to conduct of men and women. I don't claim to be an authority
on the subject, but what I have understood is that it is advised
primarily to close all avenues leading to Zina. So for that matter
even a 'harmless exchange of letters' can be a threat if the
participants are in the vicinity of each other. Now there is
absolutely no way for us to meet even if we wanted to, in the next 5-6
months. My query is -are we allowed to chat, talk or text; not to
necessarily engage in romantic conversations every time but just to
keep in touch? If I cut out talking on the phone owing to the fact
that women's voice are supposed to be part of her awrah (although one
of the reasons for this is to protect her from strangers' desire, who
are in the vicinity and the subsequent threat), can I still converse
online or send texts? Please excuse my points of view about the
following if I have misunderstood at all. Jarir ibn 'Abdullah said
concerning his wife, "(Before marriage) I used to hide under a tree to
see her." If persons intending to marry had all the same qualities as
strangers, wouldn't it be unlawful for a person to look at a woman's
awrah? I am also aware of the following hadith reported by Abu Dawud
-The Prophet (peace be on him) said, "When one of you asks for a woman
in marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry
her, he should do so." which probably indicates that developing love
before marriage is not unlawful. Finally, I'd like to know if there is
a strong hadith where there is an explicit command not to engage in
letter writing or similar purports between persons intending to marry,
who are living far apart.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.
Dear Brother,
I pray that you are doing well and experiencing the joys of strong
iman and good health.
Thank you for your question.
We have actually addressed the issue of instant messaging and online
conversations previously, but I'd be happy to reiterate the key
points.
The etiquette of engaged couples, or those who have agreed to get
married, is the same etiquette followed by unrelated men and women in
general. Until you and your fiancee have signed your marriage contract
or had your nikah ceremony, then you are still, from the perspective
of Sacred Law, "strangers." What this means is that any contact you
have with each other must be chaperoned.
To my knowledge, there are no hadiths that address the issue of
letter-writing specifically. However, there are hadiths, such as the
one you mentioned above, that emphasize the permissibility of looking
at one's intended spouse.
For example:
Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported: I was in the company
of Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) when there came a man and
informed him that he had contracted to marry a woman of the Ansar.
Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Did you cast
a glance at her? He said: No. He said: Go and cast a glance at her,
for there is something in the eyes of the Ansar. (Muslim, Book 8, No.
3314)
Obviously, if the Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, advised
men to look at their prospective wives, then it follows that meeting
with one's prospective spouse and talking to him/her is also a good
practice. Cutting off the avenues to zina does not mean avoiding any
and all contact with your intended spouse. It means that when you are
together, you observe the boundaries of gender etiquette.
In this situation, online chat and instant messaging are more
problematic than talking on the phone. A woman's voice is not awrah,
and there is nothing wrong with calling your fiancee, provided that
you have her family's permission, and that she talks to you in the
presence of others. I would definitely steer clear of instant
messaging unless there is some urgent matter that needs to be
communicated. Letter-writing is less problematic, especially if you
observe the proper adab. However, online chat and emailing are best
left alone because it's easy to let one's guard down in these
contexts.
Again, if you'd like to stay in touch with your fiancee, which is only
natural, then I suggest that you confer with her and her family about
the most appropriate method. If you're planning to spend the rest of
your lives together, then you need to communicate.
I hope this is helpful.
And Allah knows best.
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