asalaamu alaikum,
By Allah's grace, I have recently come in contact with a brother with
whom I share a deep connection. The level of our connectionis so
intense that it is either too good to be true or too overwhelming.
Whatever it is, both of us agree that we have never had such an
exprience with anyoneelse ever.
We are both dedicatedmuslims and sincere inour path of
spirituality.However, it has come to our attention that we may have
certain differences in how we view our deen. It seems to me that for
him the beauty of Islam is in all its details. Where as I want to make
sure that I keep my practicesimple yet extremely sincere. That works
best for me as compulsion tends to make me lose sight of what is
really important which is being the best servant to Allah.
Do you think that in the end, two people should follow their hearts
and go with thepassion Allah has put in their hearts for one
another?... or is it best to make sure all the Islamic views match
before more feelings are involved?
thank you... wa salaam.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah the Absolutely Gracious, the Absolutely Merciful.
Praise be to Allah.
May Allah bless our Beloved Prophet and give him peace.
Dear Sister,
I apologize for the delay in responding.
I pray you are in good health and iman.
The number one thing todo is to make the Guidance Prayer, or
Salatal-Istikhara._______________________________________________Both
you and the brother need to make this prayer. Once you have turned to
Allah MostHigh for guidance, then take the next steps.
The Prophet, Allah bless him and give him peace, gave us certain
criteria to use when selecting a spouse. The first and foremost is
religion. In a rigorously authenticated hadith, the Prophet, Allah
bless him and give him peace, said, "A woman is married for her
wealth, her reputation, her beauty or her religion. Choose the
religious one or you may be ruined." Scholars explain that this hadith
also applies equally to choosing a husband.
Our first choice may be to go with our feelings. However, it is
important to note that the fires of passion can be quickly
extinguished, particularly when the novelty of the spouse wears off
and the realities of married life set in.
After making istikhara, it is important to have some serious
conversations with this brother. Obviously, the conversations must be
chaperoned, so why not choose someone with experience in marriage
counseling? Allah willing,this person can help you identify areas of
potential conflict and suggest useful strategies for dealing with
these issues.
Make no mistake. Every marriage has some degree of conflict, even when
the spouses appear to be completely compatible. What's important is
how the spouses react to each other during the conflict.
Are these issues so fundamental in nature that they could drive
youapart? That is something you and the brother will have to
determine. It is difficult, if not impossible, to find someone who has
completely matching views. On the other hand, such differences,
ifstrong enough, can be a source of constant bickering.
My advice is to take theseconcerns to a reliable scholar. You may also
want to consider running the household according to a particular
school of thought. If both husband and wife agree to run the household
according to a particular school of thought, this may resolvesome
potential conflict.
Last but not least, please consult Ustadha Hedaya Hartford's excellent
guide to Islamic marriage. You can find Initiating and Upholding an
Islamic Marriage at a lmuhajabat.com. This book addresses some of the
key issues you've raised: romantic love, selecting a spouse, and
conflict resolution.
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