Fathwa, - My rights as a (second) wife

Question:
I wanted to know what rights I had in my Deen in this dilemma. I am my
husband's second wife, and our marriageis undercover from everybody,
my family and his family. We have been married for over three years
now. When we got married my husband assured me that in three years
time he would tell his wife and family, but just a few months laterhe
told me he could never tell her, because he fears he may lose his
children.
All this time I thought things might change, but they haven't and I
think it is very unlikelyto change. He doesn't spend any time with me,
maybe an hour every 6-8 weeks, he doesn't even have timeto talk to me
over the phone, and these things hurt me very much. When I married him
I accepted the fact I had to share him, but this isn't 50/50. When I
complain that he doesn't spend any time with me he says I am
pressurizing him, so I don't say anything,and if I am upset over this
he tells me I am feeling sorry for myself.
If I knew that things would be like this, thatour marriage will never
be public knowledge, I would have never married him. What am I suppose
to tell my family, who except me to get married. How do I explain this
to the world what my relationship is with this man? I've tried talking
to him many times; he just suggestsI look for anther man to marry. I
don't think he knows how much this is hurting me, how much it effects
me. He gets all this rights as my husband, yet he has taken away any
rights Allah SWT has given to every wife.
I cannot talk to anyoneabout my problems, because I'm not allowed to
tell anyone.Every problem I face, I have to face alone. He says he
loves me, but they are just words to me now. I feel like I ambeen
unjustly treated, that's he has misled me.
I would really appreciate if you couldgive me some advice, maybe I am
just looking at this from my point of view, and that I am wrong in
thinking like this. AllahSWT knows best.
Allah Hafiz
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.
Dear Sister,
I pray that this message finds you in in good health and iman.
You are correct: this is a difficult situation.
My first piece of advice to you is to make sure that you have some
documentation of your marriage. Since the community was not informed
of your marriage, you need to besure that you can prove that you are
this brother's wife. Were there any witnesses to the marriage? Do you
have a contract?
You need to go to the person who performed the marriage ceremony and
apprise him of the situation.
Even more importantly, you need to consult a reliable scholar, Imam,
orMuslim marriage counselor and let them know what is happening.
The brother has violated your rights as a wife on several counts.
Sacred Law absolutely requires men to treat their wives equitably.
Equitable treatment includes, but is not limited to:
1. Financial support and maintenance
2. Housing
3. Companionship
4. Fair division of time between households
This is the letter of the law. If a man cannot dealequitably between
wives, it is impermissible for him to enter into a polygynous
marriage.
The scholars on SunniPath caution against men entering into such
marriages for the very reasons you describe. Obviously your husband is
concerned that if he were to tell his first wife about you, then their
marriage would break up. Since there are so many relationships at
stake here, yours, his first marriage, and his relationship with his
children, you need to reconsider the wisdom of staying in such a
situation.
Please ask Allah Most High to facilitate the bestcourse of action by
turning to Him in istikhara, or the prayer for guidance.