I am a practising muslimah who comes from a conservative and educated
practising sunni muslim family (Mashallah). My sisters and I all
observe hijaab and we all try tobetter ourselves as muslims each day.
Last year while at university my brother met a muslimah and they
developed an understanding - through this understanding this Muslimah
started to observe hijaab and also started to pray salah. By the tail
end oflast year they got engaged with my father's blessing.
Earlier this year I heard rumours that my brothers fiancee had removed
her hijaab. Naturally I didn't want to believe it because I hadn't
seen it for myself. Eventually I saw it for myself. As a result other
girls at university started to question myself and my sisters about
the actions of my brother'sfiancee. Given the situation, there is not
a lot we can say since she refuses to speak tous about it.
At this moment in time I am absolutely furious about what this girl
has done. She has not only hurt my brother's feelings but she didn't
stop to thinkwhat consequences her actions would have on others around
her (Firstly displeasingAllah (swt) by withdrawing from a compulsory
Fard and secondly hurting my family's feelings - especially my
parents).At this moment in time I have lost all respect for this girl.
I feel she is unsuitable for my brother and I feel that she would
never fit into our family. We are inclinedto believe that her decision
to wear hijaab in the first instance was to merelygain approval for
engagement, following which she removed it, hence deceiving us - may I
stress that we made absolutely no indication that we required her to
wear the hijaab in the first place but naturally we were very pleased
with her decision to do so and built respectfor her. For her to
voluntarily take on a fard and then withdraw from it is wrong.
The question I would like to raise is therefore - as future in-laws to
this muslimah, are my parents entitled to question her actions and
request that she re-adorn her hijaab before marriage?
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, the Gracious, the Merciful.
Dear Sister,
I pray this message finds you and your family well.
If your parents want to talk to your brother's fiancee about her
hijab, they need to do so with the utmost caution and discretion. I
can understand how everyone has been upsetby this, but there are
several points to keep in mind:
1. Your brother met this young woman and became attracted to her even
though she did not cover. It's possible that her motivation in
covering may have been to please your brother. The problem with
speculating about her motivation is, firstly, she is not here to tell
us. Secondly, only Allah Ta'ala knows what is in her heart. And,
thirdly, we need to learn to deal with people as we find them, and not
how we want them to be. If your brother wanted someone who was strong
about her hijab, then choosing this particular sister may not have
been ideal to beginwith.
2. The decision to wear hijab may be one of the most important
decisionsa woman ever makes. Consequently, this decision should come
about as a result of reflection, remembrance of Allah, and one's own
personal volition. Unfortunately, when sisters cover under pressure,
the desire to please Allah is submerged under the desire to make
everyone else happy. The bottom line is: we don't cover to please
people. We cover to please Allah.
3. Your parents can certainly discuss their expectations with this
young woman. But this brings me back to my original point: we don't
bring people into our lives, determined to change them. Change has to
be from within. It is very possible that this sister may decide to
wear hijab again. And it's also quite possible that she may never do
so. All you can do is pray for her, wish the best for her, and
continue to encourage her. Being judgmental or harsh will not help.
4. Finally, this is really a decision your brother will have to make.
Is he willing to have a wife that is uncovered? Men are responsible
for the wellbeing of their families, and part of this includes making
sure that everyone is carryingout his or her religious duty. This will
have to be approached with sensitivity.
I pray that Allah Ta'ala gives this young woman the conviction to do
what is most pleasing to Him.
And Allah knows best.
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