imperative for couples to constantly work to revitalize and preserve
it.
Husbands and wives mustdo the following:
1. They have to get in thehabit of saying things that are positive,
like offering compliments and like making little prayers for each
other.
A husband could say to his wife: "If I were sent back to the days of
my youth, I would not choose for a wife anyonebesides you." Of course,
the wife can easily say something similar to her husband.
Affectionate words have an effect, especially on women. They have,
indeed, often been the weapons used by unscrupulous men to gain access
to what is nottheirs.
Sweet words arouse a woman's heart. A husband should take careto say
them to his wife before someone else does.
2. Husbands and wives have to get into the habitof doing those little
things that mean so much. If a man comes home to find his wife asleep,
he can cover her and tuck her into bed.
A husband can give his wife a call from work justto say hello and to
let herknow that he is thinking about her.
If a wife finds that her husband has fallen asleep, she can give him a
little kiss on the forehead, even if she thinks that he will not be
aware of it. Indeed, on some level his senses are working even though
he is asleep and he may verywell be aware of it.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) emphasized the value of these little
things, "…even the morsel of food that you place in your wife's
mouth…" [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]
It may very well be that the Prophet (peace be upon him) was alluding
to the expenditure of a man for his wife's needs. Nonetheless, the
Prophet (peace be upon him) chose to express it in the way he did for
a reason. Most importantly, this is the way the Prophet peace be upon
him) conducted himself with his family.
This type of behavior is governed by the tastes ofthe people involved.
It may take some getting used to, but it really does not take a lot of
effort.
A person who is not accustomed to such things may feel embarrassed
just hearingabout them and may prefer to leave matters the way they
are rather than try to change his behavior and do things that he might
see as ridiculous.
Still, we must be willing introduce new habits into our lives if we do
not want our problems togo on forever.
3. The husband and wife must set aside time to talk to each other.
They should talk about the past; reminisce about thegood times.
Talking about them keeps them fresh in our minds as if they had
happened only yesterday. They should talk about the future andshare
their hopes and their plans. They should also talk about the present,
both the good and bad of it, and discussdifferent ways to solve their
problems.
4. Keeping close physical contact is good for the relationship. This
is not just for times of intimacy,but at all times, like whensitting
in the lounge or walking down the street. This is regardless of the
fact that there are still men in our society who are ashamed to have
people see them walking in public with their wivesat their sides.
5. Emotional support should be guaranteed whenever it is required.
When the wife is pregnant or on her monthly period, she may need her
husband to lend her a little moral support. He should take her mental
state into consideration. Medical experts attest to the fact that when
women go through pregnancy, menstruation, or postpartum bleeding, they
suffer from psychological stress that can aversely affect their
behavior. It is at times like these that a woman needs her husband's
support. She needs him to let her know how much she means to him and
how much he needs her in his life.
Likewise, the husband might fall ill or come under a lot of
difficulties.The wife must take these things into consideration. If
people want their relationship to last, they must let eachother feel
that support.
6. There have to be some material expressions of love. Gifts should be
given, sometimes without there being any occasion for it, since a
pleasant surprise is always welcome. A good gift is one that expresses
feelings of affection. It does not have to be expensive, but it has to
be appropriate for the other's tastes and personality; something that
will be cherished.
7. The husband and wife have to learn how to be more tolerant of each
other and overlook one another's shortcomings. It should become a
habit to forget about the little mistakes of daily life and not even
bring them up. Silence in these trivialities is a sign of noble
character.
A woman said to Aishah: "When my husband comes home, he becomeslike a
cat. When he goes out, he becomes like a lion. He does not ask about
what might have happened." [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]
Ibn Hajar explains her words as follows:
They might mean that he is very generous and tolerant. He does no make
a big fuss about what goes missing of his wealth . If he brings
something for the house, he dies not enquire about it later on. He
does not make an issue of the shortcomings that he might see at home
but instead is clement and tolerant.
It is wrong to go overboard in consideringthe faults of others but
when it comes to ourselves, keep a running account of all our good
qualities.
There is a tradition that goes: "One of you sees the dust in his
brother's eyes and forgets about the dirt in his own."
8. A husband and wife must come to an understanding when it comes to
matters of mutual concern , like the raising of children, work,travel,
expenses, and problems that might posea threat to the marital
relationship.
9. Husbands and wives need to do things to livenup their relationship.
Each one of them can read a book or listen to a cassette that might
give them some ideas on how they can revitalize their marital life and
bring more meaning to it. They can vary their habits when it comes to
relaxing together, dining, taking refreshments, decoratingtheir home,
and in relating to each other both openly and intimately. These are
the things that keep up the excitement and interest in a relationship.
10. The relationship must be protected from negative influences that
can harm it. One of the worst of these is the habit of comparing one's
spouse to others. Many men tend to compare their wives to those of
other men. Some even compare them with the faces they see in magazines
and on television. Women also compare their husbands with other
women's husbands in things like wealth, looks, and how many times he
takes her out. All of this makes people feel bad and insufficient and
it can ruin the marital relationship.
If we must compare ourselves to others, we should do so with those who
have less going for them than ourselves. Allah's Messenger (peace be
upon him) said: "Look towards those who are beneath you and do not
look towards those who are above you. This is better so that you do
not belittle Allah's blessings." [Sahîh al-Bukhârî and Sahîh Muslim]
We must accustom ourselves to living in the real world and to finding
contentment in what Allah has decreed for us. We should not look
longingly at what others have been given. Whatever little that we have
will be a lot if we utilize it well.
It is quite possible that many who speak about their marital bliss and
go on boasting about their husbands and wives are untruthful in what
they say. They just like to brag.
The grass often does seem greener on the other side, but only because
we are not looking at it up close.
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