dispute arises between the spouses, the husband should define the
points of dispute and explain her mistake to her, if she is the one
who is mistaken. This should be done in a way that involves no reproof
or scolding, particularly if he wants her to admit something. When she
admits, he has the choice to either reproach or forgive her. Attacking
her hastily before explaining her mistakes would end the love and
intimacy and hinder the process of living equitably, because she would
feelthat she has been wronged. Therefore, it is best that the husband
explains to his wife her mistake kindly.
The Prophet knew when his wife Aa'ishah was pleased or displeased with
him. When she was pleased with him, she would say, "By the Lord of
Muhammad"; otherwise, she would say, "By The Lord of Ibraaheem
[Abraham ]." The Prophet knew that she wouldnot swear by the Lord of
Ibraaheem unless there was something wrong. In both cases, she swore
by Allaah, who is of course the Lord of Muhammad and the Lord of
Ibraaheem but she would use the latter to show that she was upset.
This practice was the perfect politeness that only a noble and
honorable lady would practice. Such a lady neither attacks nor scolds
her husband for his mistakes, but rather behaves patiently and
bashfully. Surely, nowoman behaves patiently and bashfully, but Allaah
will grant her success and a good end.
Also, no man encounters harm from his wife patiently and without
saying hurtful or unpleasant words to her but Allaah The Almighty will
grant him a good end in this life and a great Hereafter. It is
reported that one day a student visited a scholar and saw his son
serving him and showing him dutifulnessin an amazing way. When the
sonleft, the scholar asked his student, "Are you amazed at his
dutifulness?" The student replied in the affirmative and said that he
was very amazed at the dutifulness of the son. The scholar explained,
"I lived with his mother for more than twenty years and she never
smiled at me,but I reacted patiently. Thus, Allaah The Almighty
compensated me with what you have seen."
When a man encounters the harm of his wife with abuse, revilement and
curses, she disdains and disparages him. As aresult, she will not
speak of his love or affection in his absence. People say that man
becomes a subject of discussion after his death, so he should choose
for himself the best speech. It meansthat all people who dealt with
him will talk about him after his death. They will mention what hesaid
and did.
The perfection of man appears in the flame of his anger when he
controls himself and does not sayanything but good. May Allaah endow
His mercy upon a husbandwho abstains from saying unpleasant words to
his wife!
Living equitably through speech is an important element in the
reformation of Muslim homes, and Allaah The Almighty increases the
reward of His slave according to the degree of his patience. Allaah
The Almighty favored men over women and endowed upon them patience and
wisdom that are not grantedto others. Thus, the husband should show
patience regardless of whatever he hears or sees from his wife. Also,
the righteouswoman should patiently endure any hurtful and harsh words
of her husband, for Allaah The Almighty will make these words a cause
for elevating her degrees,multiplying her good deeds and forgiving her
sins. Indeed, when Allaah The Almighty loves a people, He tests them.
So Allaah may test a woman by giving her a husband who harms her and
whom she hears unpleasant words from.
Kind treatment:
Living in kindness also entails kind treatment, which emanates from
being an ideal husband, concord and mutual faithfulness of the
spouses. Muslim homes will not be reformed except through righteous
deeds and good companionship that reflect a person's good nature, high
morals and virtue. The Prophet testified that the best of menare those
who treat their wives kindly and become superior with their good
deeds, manners and noble qualities.
It is not enough for the man to claim these qualities; he should
translate them into action. When Allaah The Almighty wants to complete
His favors over His slaveand shower him with His blessings, He
beautifies him with good conduct. So, a Muslim who adheres to Islam
and follows the way of Allaah The Almighty should, after obeying Him,
be keen to maintain noble morals and Islamic etiquettes whereby Allaah
The Almighty would increase His reward. The Prophet said: "Shall I
inform you of those among you who will be closest to me in position on
the Day of Resurrection? [They are] those of you who have the best
morals" [At-Tirmithi]
The Companions eagerly asked the Prophet about what causes men and
women to enter Paradise, saying, "What are the deeds that cause man to
enter Paradise the most?" The Prophet replied: "Fearing Allaah and
[having] high morals." [At-Tirmithi] Words and actions are required
for the spouses to live equitably, and the best person is the one who
has the best and most perfect manners. The Prophet said: "The most
perfect believers in faith are those among them with high morals."
[At-Tirmithi]
The Prophet made man's wifeand relatives the most entitled tohis good
manners. Therefore, he ordered dutifulness to one's parents due to
their closeness. A man asked, "O Messenger of Allaah, who is the most
deservingperson of my good companionship?" The Prophet replied: "Your
mother." The man again, "Then who?" "Your mother," The Prophet
replied.The man asked again, "Then who?" He said: "Your mother."
Hethen asked, "Then who?" Thereupon, the Prophet said: "Your father."
[Al-Bukhaari & Muslim]
The Prophet made the greatest share of man's good manners for his
relatives, so the first thing we look for in the manwhom Allaah has
beautified and enhanced in his manners is his good manners with his
family. This is because a man might behave in a kind and gentle way in
front of people, but once he enters his own house, he behavesbadly –
this is the most evil creation even if he is kind with people. His
kindness in this case is pretentious and hypocritical, but if he were
to behave peacefully, kindly, mercifully and gently with his weak wife
and children who are under his authority and power, it would be
considered a sure sign that he is truthful in his good manners.
For this reason, the man who wants to behave in a good way should
begin with his family. The Prophet led the Muslim Ummah (nation) and
stood on the pulpit, permitting what Allaah The Almighty made
lawful,prohibiting what Allaah The Almighty made unlawful, explaining
the Sharee'ah of Allaahand guiding to His way. He ledthe armies to
make the religion of Allaah The Almighty dominant and His word reign
supreme. Yet, when he entered his house, he would enter with
compassion, mercy, gentleness and kindness.
The Prophet was the best man in treating his wives; the first thing he
would do was to use a Siwaak (toothstick) so that his wife would not
find a bad odor. This indicates that the husband, through living
equitablywith his wife, should take care of his appearance. Ibn
'Abbaas would bring a Kohl container andapply Kohl before the mirror,
saying, "I like adorning myself formy wife, as I like my wife adorning
herself for me." This is the perfection of Islam.
A Muslim man adopts certain practices and perfections with people when
he goes out of his house. Once he returns to his family and wife, he
treats each of them properly. The first thing theProphet would do upon
entering his house was to use the Siwaak. When he was alone with his
wives, he would be kind, use the best speech and act in the best way.
When 'Aa'ishah was asked about the manners of the Prophet at home, she
said, "He was in the service of his family." Sometimes he would stitch
his clothes and had no feeling of belittlement; it was an honor and
perfection as he was the most perfect, most honored and the highest in
rank and status in the sight of Allaah The Almighty.
Seeing one's family should be featured with modesty and humbleness.
The Prophet said: "Shall I inform you of those among you who are
closest to me in position on the Day of Resurrection? [They are] those
of you who have the best morals, and are the most humble."
[At-Tirmithi] The wife is most entitled to this humbleness. When the
Prophet visited his wives, he was keen to bring them happiness, so
that they would feel his love, fidelity and the bond with him after
his departure. To help strengthen this feeling, the Prophet would kiss
his wives before he left, not out of sexual desire because once he
heard the Athaan (call to prayer) he would be busied by that, but
rather because the Prophet would kiss his wife out of affection and
mercy so that she would realize her place in his heart and sentiment.
A guided Muslim, who wishes to abide by the Sharee'ah of Allaah
regarding living equitably, should treat his family in an honorable
manner. Moreover, the Prophet was keen to bring happiness to his wives
when sitting with them, being sad on the sad occasions and being happy
on the happy occasions. Nevertheless, he would never say anything but
thetruth.
(To be continued)
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