love 3 times. Sometimes I think I fall in love too easy. Or maybe I
have justbeen lucky. Or have I merely followed the way I think
relationships should go, conducive of media pressures?
The reason I bring this upis a recent actualisation of my long
oppressed feelings towards a guy, who is relatively new in my life.
Warren, a colleague from work, had given me the most emotionally
confusing, yet amazing 6 months of my life. Trying to work out what I
want, and my feelings for him amongst this, has been indescribably
scary. But ithas also brought me to some sort of awakening.
Intrigued?! I hope so.
I'll start with the past. My first boyfriend, Peter, was a great guy.
I was 15 and he was two years older than me in school. He played the
drums and was a little bit rebellious, without being too mad for my
church going parents. We really were madly in love, but in the end we
grew more into best friends than anything else. I don't regret my time
with any of my past boyfriends, but as Peter and I figuredout how this
whole 'relationship' idea worked, we realise we were growing apart and
we had become too different. We had a few months of being on and off,
and then one night I met Matt.
I was just turned 18 and Iwas enjoying going out with my friends to
bars and clubs I never could have before. As Peter wasolder, he had
been there,done that. I met Matt on NYE after Peter and I had a huge
fight. Matt was popular, just a year older than me and clearly worked
out a lot. I thought he has definitelytoo good looking for a slightly
quirky, rocky girl like me. But we had fun together and he took my
number. We texted back and forth for a bit, nothing too flirty even,
until I broke up with Peter a few weeks later, Ihad had enough of
beingignored. Then things changed. We fell in love and had a great
year together. We ended up atthe same university and I loved that we
spent so much time together and could enjoy going out together and
with groups of friends, something Peter would never allow me to do.
After we were together ayear, Matt got a job as a Trainee Paramedic,
and dropped out of university. It was great, a fantastic opportunity
to have a brilliant career. I was so supportive, even though his
training meant I only saw him once a week. For the firstfew months I
made the effort to go visit him some nights after he had finished his
training in Belfast, but when I realised the effort wasn't being
reciprocated, I quickly became bored and felt like there had to be
something more.
Then we have the present. Warren is six years older than me, funny as
hell, a Civil Engineering graduate, currently working in Tesco.
Imagine Clark Kent, that's what he lookslike. I started in Tesco in
May. Matt and I were okay, but nowhere near as good as we were. For
the first while, Warren and I didn't really speak. We were being
nasty; wejust didn't know each other.
One night I was out with my two best friends, Rebecca and Rachel. We
met a guy James, who it turns out was good friends with Warren.
Drunkenly, (but thank god) Rachel and I decided it would be a good
idea to text Warrenon James phone, and do a bit of flirting. I had
always though he was good looking, but as I was in a relationship
andhe was older, it never crossed my mind. That night I got his
number. We started flirting via text. Then we started sexting. It
started as a bit of fun, I don't think either of us ever though it
would come to anything. We started getting closer; I liked his sharp
sense of humour and his emotional and well as academic intelligence.
Then, there was the first night we kissed. I met him in Tesco car
park. (Classy, I know.) He got into my car and we talked for hours
about absolutely everything. And we could have talkedfor longer, but
the sun was coming up. For the first time in my life, I felt like
someone really understood me, and someone was actually interested. He
seemed to want to know everythingabout me. The sexual tension was
still there, we just realised; 'Shit, this might be more than sex.'
We kissed. I freaked out.
I felt so guilty; I never wanted to be the girl who cheated on her
boyfriend. It wasn't who I was. I was meant to be loyal, trustworthy,
and honest. But we kept coming back to each other. At the time I read
astory about passion and saw the word 'inevitability'. To me, this
described us.
But I hated not being in control of my own emotions. I tried to do
what I thought other people wanted, what I thought was right, and what
other people expected. So I told Warren we had to stop. The look on
his face when I told him this was the exact moment I knewI was in love
with him.
Things were weird for a few days, but it gave me the chance to get my
head around the fact thatthings with Matt were over. I secretly
resented Matt, how did he not know I was in love with someone else?
How couldhe not see? I wanted to be with Warren. In every way.
So I broke it off with Matt. It was hard, he was oblivious to it all,
so it was a complete shock. I have never looked back. Iregret hurting
him, but I don't regret what I did.
Warren and I got together. The sex was amazing (and still is), after
all the months of built up sexual tension. He makes me laugh like no
one else. He makes mefeel appreciated. He protects me, but not in a
patronising way. We have both intelligent conversation, and the most
stupid, random and childish conversation. I am head over heels.
For the first time in my life, I am scared. Scared of this
disappearing, scared of what the futurebrings, and scared of how good
things could be.
It's inevitable. It's out of my control, and I fucking love it.
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And Allah Knows the Best!
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Published by :->
M NajimudeeN Bsc- INDIA
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