What I have to say today to you I have not said before to anyone.
I have ran these thoughts in my head several times and have only said
it to ALLAH. I have been married for 14 years now. From the beginning,
I hadto work although I hated working life. I so much wanted to be a
good housewife and good mother-to-be. This was a love marriage. I
married my husband because the truth is I was never liked by anybody
else but him. My cousins my age were getting married and the truth is
I didn't think anyone like him would like me as I am not fair and not
very beautiful. Anyway, when we marriedhe made it very clear I hadto
work as he didn't earn agood salary and also we were going to live on
our own. I agreed, thinking that after my first son wasborn I could
leave, but then he also said that he didn't like a woman to sit at
home and get fat. Because he is very handsome, I didn't want him to
lose interest in me so I worked.
I always earned a better salary then him. He had an affair and I
caught him. He was very sorry and promised never to do it again. He
lost my trust completely up to today. By then I also wanted to be the
woman he wanted, so I continued to work even after I had my two kids,
which family looked after, and I sometimes think it killed a bit of
the mother in me that I could have been. I changed jobsand always
earned better than him. He used to be very happy with me whenI
worked and if I was out of a job it caused tension. When I brought it
up he would he told me he liked a working woman. I eventually stuck
at a very good job for about 8 yearsand earned very well in this time.
He lost his job and with the help of my family and me he set up his
own business. He promised that when it gotbetter I could leave but I
had to put the pressure onto eventually leave my joband stay home.
The business took care of us for a couple of good years,and then all
of a sudden last year, things began to go bad , and even worse this
year.
I don't have a good relationship with a certain family member on his
sideof the family and noticed that at times my husband is off me when
something comes up about this person. ALLAH alone is mywitness that I
have done no wrong to this person. Also my brother has helped us out
with some money and my husband needs more, gives me the guilt trip
that when my brother cannot help us again. He somehow takes out all
of this on me. I have always been the one to make things happen
forus. My personality is like that. I'm not afraid to make the calls
and pull thestrings. When I get thingsright he is so happy with me
but when things are bad he holds me responsible. I've realised itso
now if ever things do come right I don't feel anyhonesty in his love
because I feel like I spoil him with my personality of making things
happen for us.
Now when I am sitting back and he can't make it, he is taking it out
on me. I am hating my life and myself right now. I've done alot of
good for people who have turned on me and I wonder why. I have prayed
and begged ALLAH but to no avail. Please just listen to me. Maybe I
just needed to tellsomeone and I don't have the guts to bad-mouth
myhusband to anyone -- not even my own family. And now I have no one
to talk to or share my feelings with. I've always been loyal to a
lot of people butI feel like no one genuinely likes me for whom I am
-- not even my husband. I am liked for what I can do for them,not for
who I am, and thatREALLY hurts!
~Razeena
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