Salam,
As per my first post, I am in a secret marriage with amarried
co-worker. The story is such a long and strange one that at times, I
feel soo evil, so hypocritical, so sinful and so lowly. But deep down,
Iknow I have a goodness inme, I am not a bad or evil person. I have
never intended to get involved with him nor get married to him whether
publicly orsecretly nor allow the marriage to continue up to now.
There are moments I feel Allah SWT is testing me through this marriage
thus I should patiently endure but most of time, I believe that He is
punishing me for succumbing to my nafs. God knows that I want to be a
BETTER person. I wantto put to be on the right path! I really want to
be a better Muslimah; A role model to my siblings: I never want to let
them down as they hold me at such high esteem yet I am weak and
indecisive in doing the right thing.
I just want you to advice me on how to break awayfrom this marriage as
I know it is not good for myDunya and Arkirah!! As you mentioned in
your previous post, the tendecyof him telling his wife and family
about me is very very slim. Each time I give him an ultimatum to
publicize our marriage so Ican live as dignified life as a married
girl instead of allowing people who always see us together to thinking
that we are in a secret affair, he always keeps on giving me excuses,
excuses and empty promises?
He always says that I haveto endure a little as marriage is always
about enduring, that I should endure just as his first wifeis
enduring, etc etc. But, I always tell him she is in a sense the
"official" wife whilst for me, he has decided to keep me as
the"unofficial" wife that the insecurity that comes withthat alone is
enough reason to make any endurance unjustifiable.
I know that if I had another job, I will be able to avoid him and make
my separation from him effective, but the close proximity and the fact
that I have to see and work with him every single work day is just
making things way difficult for me. I really want out! I have to get
out of this marriage for my own sanity. I have been repenting, doing
dhikr and Duas but still I always listen to his empty promises and
hope things will get better but I know it wouldn't. That they will in
fact get messier.
Please don't want Allah to punish me any further as aresult of staying
in this secret marriage. I have already suffered a lot. Please tell me
what to do under these circumstancesbefore I ruin myself!
Khadija./