Family Issues, - The Ideal Muslim and His Wife Part 2

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...Part 1 continued... Let them listen to this hadith, those foolish husbands whose eyes flash with anger at their wives’ mistakes, when their food is a little late or not to their liking. Their poor wives may have genuine, pressing reasons for making these mistakes, but these husbands become angry without caring to know those reasons, on the basis of an incorrect understanding of the phrase “men areqawwamunover women”!
The true Muslim husband does not stop at showing kindness and generosity towards his wife, but he extends his respect and kindness towards her decent (female) friends. This is in accordance with the practice of the Prophet (S.A.W). ‘A’ishah narrated:
“An old woman came to the Prophet (S.A.W.) and he smiled at her, showed her respect, and asked her, ‘How are you? How have you been doing?’ She answered, ‘I am fine, may my father and mother be sacrificed for you, O Messenger of Allah.’” When she had left, ‘A’ishah said, “Why did you welcome this old woman so warmly, in a way that you do not welcome anyone else?” The Prophet (S.A.W.) replied, “She used to come and visit us when Khadijah was alive. Do you not know that honouring the ties of friendship is part of faith?” 15
A wife may become angry for any reason, and keep away from her husband, making him feel her anger. In this case, the Muslim husband responds with tolerance and kindness, based on his deep insight into the psychology and nature of woman, as the Prophet (S.A.W.) used to treat his wives whenever they were angry with him and kept away from him all day until night fell.
‘Umar ibn al-Khattab (R.A.A.) said: “We Quraysh used to have control over our women. When we came to Madinah we found a people whose women had control over them, and our women began to learn from their women. I used to live in al-‘Awali, among Banu Umayyah ibn Zayd. One day my wife was angry with me, and was arguing with me. I did not like this, but she told me, ‘Do you not like me arguing with you? By Allah (S.W.T), the wives of the Prophet (S.A.W.) argue with him. They get angry and keep away from him all day, until night falls!’ So I went to see afîah and asked her, ‘Do you argue with the Prophet (S.A.W)?’ She said, ‘Yes.’ I asked her, ‘Do you get angry and keep away from him all day until night falls?’ She said, ‘Yes.’ I said, ‘The one who does that is doomed to loss! Do you not fear the anger of Allah (S.W.T.) on the account of the anger of His Prophet? Soon you will be condemned! Do not argue with the Messenger of Allah, and do not ask him for anything. Ask me for whatever you need.’” (Bukhari, Muslim, al-Tirmidhi and al-Nisa’i) ‘Umar came to the Prophet (S.A.W.) and told him about what had happened in his house, and the conversation he had withSafîah, and the Prophet (S.A.W.) smiled.
The Muslim should develop this tolerant attitude, so that he will be following the example of the Prophet (S.A.W.) in his behavior and deeds. Then he will be living proof that Islam is the religion of a superior lifestyle; and that the misery, disintegration, confusion and anxiety that individuals, families and societies are suffering from are caused by man’s ignorance and misconceptions of the noble values promulgated by Islam. These are precious principles which, if adopted by the husband, would put an end to arguments and divisions in family life, and would bring peace, stability, happiness and security to the home.
One of the most successful husbands
Hence the smart Muslim husband is one of the most successful husbands ever, and the most beloved to a faithful, pure, righteous wife, because of his adherence to the guidance of Islam. He has a deep and compassionate understanding of her nature and psychology, and he directs her towards the straight path of Islam, which is in complete harmony with the true nature of mankind. He recognizes her inclinations, desires and moods, and tries to reconcile between them and the ideal life and behaviour he wants for her, while never forgetting for an instant that she has been created from a bent rib, and straightening a bent rib is impossible.
He understands his wife and respects her feelings
The true Muslim always understands his wife and respects her feelings. He does not criticize her family or any of her relations in front of her, out of respect for her feelings. In return, she respects his feelings and does not do or say anything that may adversely affect any member of his family.
He does not disclose any secret that she has entrusted to him, or spread any story that she has told him in confidence, for carelessness in such matters all too often explodes into conflict between the spouses and extinguishes the love between them. The sincere Muslim husband is protected from all of that, so long as he continues to follow the guidance of Islam.
He helps her to make up for her failings and weaknesses
The sincere Muslim husband tries to make up for what his wife lacks, if he feels that she is lacking in knowledge or manners. He does this in the gentlest, kindest and most positive manner. If he encounters defiance or wilful deviance on her part, he brings her back to the straight and narrow in a gentle, humane and intelligent manner, avoiding harsh criticism or rebuking her in front of people, no matter what the reason. The most hurtful thing for a woman is that someone should hear her being reprimanded or witness her being scolded. The true Muslim is the most sensitive and respectful towards the feelings of others.
He knows how to strike a balance between pleasing his wife and treating his mother with due kindness and respect
The sincere Muslim husband draws upon his intelligence, compassion and strength of character in his dealings with both his wife and his mother, in such a way that he does not offend either of them. So he cannot be disobedient towards his mother or oppressive towards his wife. Rather, he recognizes his mother’s rights and treats her in the best possible way, while also recognizing his wife’s rights. He does not detract from his wife’s rights in the course of fulfilling his duty towards his mother and taking care of her. The truly sincere Muslim is able to do this, as long as he is truly conscious of Allah (S.W.T.) (i.e., hastaqwA.)and follows the guidance and teachings of Islam, which treat both mother and wife with fairness and give each her due status.
He fully understands his role as a protector and maintainer (qawwam) of his wife
With such good attitudes and gentle treatment, the Muslim husband wins the heart of his wife, so she does not disobey him in anything. Therefore the Muslim man has been given the position ofqawwamover women, because of the characteristics which Islam instills in him, the qualifications it has given him and the conditions and limits it has imposed on him:
"Men are the protectors and maintainers [qawwamun] of women, because of Allah has given the one more [strength] than the other, and because they support them from their means...]" (Qur’an 4:34)
This position ofqawwambrings with it some inconveniences, for it gives men responsibilities. The man is completely responsible for his wife:
“Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for those under his care. A ruler is a shepherd; a man is the shepherd of his family; a woman is the shepherd of her husband’s house and children. For each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for those under his care.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
This responsibility applies to every individual in an Islamic society, in which everyone is responsible in one way or another, because according to Islam, life is a serious matter, not something to be taken lightly.
Just as Islam has enjoined good treatment of woman and raised her status, so it has also commanded her to understand her role in life, and to stay within the limits of the Shari‘ah, so that she may better fulfil her role in life as a partner to man in bringing up the next generation and making life more pleasant and enjoyable.
Similarly, just as Islam has required man to treat his wife kindly and take care of her properly, so it has commanded the wife to obey him within the limits of permissibility, fairness and justice. This obedience is most strongly emphasized, as is illustrated by the words of the Prophet (S.A.W.):
“If I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would have ordered the woman to prostrate to her husband.” 16
Indeed, he said that the husband’s satisfaction with her would be a cause of her entering Paradise:
“Any woman who dies, and her husband is pleased with her, will enter Paradise.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
He assured the defiant, rebellious woman that the angels would heap curses upon her until she goes back to her husband:
“If a woman stays away from her husband’s bed, the angels will curse her until morning.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
The concern of Islam to affirm man’s position ofqawwamover women and reinforce her obligation to obey and please him, goes as far as forbidding her to fast at times other than Rama¼an or to receive any guests without his permission:
“The woman is not permitted to fast when her husband is present, without his permission, or to invite anyone into his house without his permission.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
Islam gave the husband this right to beqawwamover his wife so that he will be a real man, knowing how to steer the ship of family life towards the shore of safety and guidance. Islam warns all men against the trial and temptation (fitnah) of women, which may make them heedless and weak, and lessen their religious commitment, so that they turn a blind eye to the waywardness and un-Islamic behavior of their wives. In such a case a husband has no say: his wife is controlling everything in the home, so that he dare not disobey her, or answer her back, or refuse any of her whims. The Prophet (S.A.W.) was right when he said that this is the most damaging of trials and temptations that a man can be faced with:
“There will be nofitnahafter my death that is worse for men than thefitnahof women.” (Bukhari and Muslim)
The Muslim husband is a man who is not weak in dealing with the trial of having a wayward wife, no matter how difficult thatfitnahis. He gently makes it clear to her that no matter how much he loves her, he loves Allah (S.W.T.) and the Prophet more, and his desire to please Allah (S.W.T.) is stronger than his feelings for her:
"Say: If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates or your kindred; the wealth that you have gained; the commerce in which you fear a decline; or the dwellings in which you delight - are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger, or the striving in His cause, then wait until Allah brings about His Decision: and Allah guides not the rebellious." (Qur’an 9:24)
In this way, the female waywardness which we see in many so-called Muslim homes will be done away with. The man who sees his wife, daughters and sisters going out in the street with make-up, uncovered heads and bare arms, clothed but seeming naked, and does nothing to stop this disobedience of Islam, has surely lost his manhood, abandoned Islam and earned the wrath of Allah (S.W.T.). There is no way out of his predicament but sincere repentance which will wake him up, restore his manhood and set him back on the straight path.
Islam has set out standards for women, and has defined the kind of clothing she should wear when she goes out in the street or appears in from of men who are not-mahram. This type of clothing is known ashijab. The Muslim woman who has been nurtured in pure Islam and has grown up in its protective atmosphere accepts thishijabwillingly and with a deep sense of conviction, knowing that it is from Allah (S.W.T.), and that it is not a tyranny designed by men to satisfy their egotistical desires to control women, or a custom invented during the decadent Umawi (Umayyad) period, as is claimed by those worthless fools who have no sound proof from the Qur’an whatsoever.
In a report narrated by Bukhari, ‘A’ishah said: “May Allah have mercy on the early muhajir women. When Allah (S.W.T.) revealed: ". . .they should draw their veils over their bosoms. . ."(Qur’an 24:31) they tore their aprons and covered their heads and faces with them.” In another report, also given by Bukhari, she said: “They cut their waist-sheets at the edges and covered their heads and faces with the cut pieces.”
Safiyyah bint Shaybah said:
“While we were with ‘A’ishah we mentioned the women of Quraysh and how good they were. ‘A’ishah said: ‘The women of Quraysh are good but by Allah (S.W.T.) I have never seen any better than the women of the Anîar or any more convinced of the Book of Allah (S.W.T.) or with a deeper faith in the Revelation. WhenSurat al-Nurwas revealed "… they should draw their veils over their bosoms..."the men turned to their wives, daughters, sisters and other female relatives and recited these words to them. Not one of them failed to take her decorated wrapper and wrap it around her head and face, in acceptance of and belief in what Allah (S.W.T.) had revealed. The next morning they were behind the Messenger of Allah (S.A.W.) wrapped up in their veils, looking as if they had black crows on their heads.’”17
Many Allah (S.W.T.) have mercy on the women of the Anîar: how strong was their faith, how sincere was their Islam and how beautiful was their response to the Truth when it was revealed! Every woman who truly believes in Allah (S.W.T.) and His Messenger cannot do other than to adhere to the distinctive Islamic dress, regardless of whatever nakedness andtabarruj(wanton display) surrounds her. I remember a veiled Muslim student at the University of Damascus whose attitude was no less commendable than that of the women of the Ansar; when a visiting journalist asked her about herhijaband why she was putting up with it in the heat of summer, she quoted: "…Say:‘The Fire of Hell is fiercer in heat…’ " (Qur’an 9:81)
It is pure, sincere Muslim girls like this who will establish Muslim families, raise the next generation in a sound way and fill society with strong, productive men. Nowadays there are many such girls,al-hamdulillah!
The sincere Muslim is responsible for his womenfolk’s adherence to the Islamic teachings regarding her going out, and thehijabwhich is the badge of the Muslim woman. The day when a husband lets his wife or his environment take over and dispenses with this Islamic ruling without being able to stand up to them, is the day he says good-bye to both his religion and his manhood.
The husband’s responsibility for his wife does not stop with her outward appearance, but also includes her worship and conduct. He is responsible for her if she omits some act of worship, or if she neglects or deliberately ignores her duties towards Allah (S.W.T.). He is responsible for her good behavior and completion of her duties. Any shortcomings on her part will detract from her husband’s manhood, diminish his Islam and damage the role ofqawwamwith which Allah (S.W.T.) has honored him.
Islam considers women to be a trust which has been given to men for safe-keeping. As the wife is usually influenced by her husband, he may take her with him to Paradise or lead her to Hell. Therefore Allah (S.W.T.) ordered the believing men to protect both themselves and their families from the Fire and gave a terrifying picture of the awful fate that awaits them if they neglect their responsibilities towards their wives and families and fail to compel them to adhere to the truth:
"O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones, over which are [appointed] angels stern [and] severe, who flinch not [from executing] the Commands they receive from Allah, but do [precisely] what they are commanded." (Qur’an 66:6)
The role ofqawwamover women which Islam gives to men cannot truly be fulfilled unless the husband is a successful leader of his family. The Muslim husband does not assert his manhood through roughness, cruelty, violence and harsh words. This is the manhood of ignorance (jahiliyyah); Islamic manhood is something else altogether. The Islamic ideal of manhood is: a strong and likeable personality; a noble attitude; tolerance and forgiveness of minor mistakes; strong adherence to the laws of Allah (S.W.T.) and determination to apply them to every member of his family; brilliant leadership in guiding his family to the truth; generosity without being extravagant; a thorough understanding of his responsibilities in this world and the next; and a clear idea of the ideal Muslim home. These are the characteristics of the true Muslim as Islam wants him to be.
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1 Reported by al-Nisa’i, with a îa sahih isnad.
2 Reported by al-Nisa’i and Ibn Majah, with a îa sahih isnad.
3 Reported by al-Hakim, who said it is îa sahih according to the conditions of Bukhari and Muslim.
4 Reported by Imam Ahmad in al-Musnad, with a îa sahih isnad.
5 “Iyyakum wa khadra’ al-diman” (literally, “Beware of the greens of dung”) is a well-known saying in Arabic. It is a proverb, not a Hadith of the Prophet (S.A.W). [Author]
6 Reported by al-Tirmidhi, who said it is a Hasan îa Sahih hadith.
7 Reported by al-Tirmidhi, who said it is a hasan îa sahih hadith.
8 Reported by Abu Dawud, al-Nisa’i and Ibn Majah. Ibn Hijr said in al-Isabah: “Its isnad is Sahih.”
8 The words with which Muslims should greet one another are “al-salam ‘alaykum” (peace be upon you), not “Hi,” “Hello,” or “Good morning.”
10 Reported by al-Tirmidhi who said: it is a hasan gharib hadith.
11 Al-Haythami, 4/316; al-Muntakhab 4/393; Kanz al-‘Ummal, 7/302. Al-Haythami said: It was narrated by Abu Ya‘la, and its narrators are those who narrated in Sahih (Bukhari), except for Muhammad ibn ‘Amr ibn ‘Alqamah, whose hadith is hasan
12 A sahih hadith, narrated by Ahmad and Abu Dawud.
13 Reported by al-Nisa’i via Yazid ibn Ruman from ‘A’ishah. See also different reports from her in Fath al-Bari, Bab al-‘idayn (chapter on the two Eids).
14 Reported by al-Hakim in al-Mustadrak; he said it is îa sahih according to the condition of Bukhari and Muslim
15 Reported by al-Tirmidhi, who said it is a Hasan îa sahih hadith.
16 See Fath al-Bari, commentary on Sahih Bukhari
17 See al-Hilyah, 1/106; Tabaqat Ibn Sa‘d, 3/394; al-Kanz, 8/305.

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