Islamic Marriage Articles, - Sex Roles in Muslim Families in the U.S. 2

Continution:
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The modern industrial culture upset the past norm of family life and
greatly changed the purposes of marriage. New opportunities of
material gain were opened to married and unmarried. Women making them
eco- nomically independent from their husbands and male providers. The
women's emancipation movement accordingly declared that there was no
more reason for tolerating subjugation to the male and cultivated the
eccentric tendencies against the traditional functioning and sex-roles
in the family. "The woman's new freedom has greatly increased sexual
opportunity outside marriage, supported by contraception and
abortion." The main purpose of marriage has become to satiate the
desires of the couple, or what the libs call to achieve individual
fulfillment and to ascertain the spouse's identity. The new concept
has become tantamount to fulfilling the "desire of each other's need
for individual happiness" and "the development of man-woman
relationship." This, according to them, would lead to giving the wife
the same status as the husband without differentiation or
discrimination. Thus, a new concept of marriage rooted in the family
had to be developed, and four substitutes are being practiced in modem
societies:
1. Serial monogamy, where a series of marriages take place one after
the other. This is what prevails in the United States at present where
divorce occurs in 40% of marriages and where 75% of the divorced
remarry. There are some modernists who suggest the "bypass of divorce
by requiring renewal or cancellation of all marriage contracts at
three year intervals."
2. Open marriage, where the exclusivity of husband-wife (sexually and
otherwise) is eliminated. Those who advocate this category of marriage
practice "wife swapping" or "swinging." They claim that extramarital
experiences would reduce jealousy, relieve tensions and ease the
pressures of personal conflict.
3. Polygamy and group marriage, where an association of husbands and
wives and their children mix together without restriction or
constraint. The claim here is that multiplicity of parenthood for
adults and children would offer a wider variety of interactive
experiences in meeting individual needs.
4. Homosexuality, where women "marry" women and men "marry" men
without the usual conflict which is inevitable in every new normal
marriage.
All such approaches can never succeed in creating a happy family
because they ignore the biological and the spiritual elements. Humans
cannot survive without a society and no society can survive without
the family. As individuals, "to live is to love and to love is to
live," as Havelock Ellis puts it. Serial monogamy, open marriage,
group marriage and homosexuality lack the premodial basics of the
family. Humans are the only species where the offspring needs parental
catering for a relatively long period after birth, not only physically
but emotionally as well.
The new frustrated efforts, as reflected in the modern abnormal family
life do not unite man and woman in a bond where both enjoy material
and emotional security, stability and contentment. They do not cure
the ailments created by the prevailing technological culture:
alienation, loneliness, anomie, lack of love, and anxiety. "Search any
average human being and you soon find evidence of heart-hunger for
closeness and intimacy and the shared life as the only dependable
sources of a sustained sense of self-esteem and of personal worth."
The women's emancipation movement in this country is revolting against
long-standing inequitable treatment, against a biased, unjust legal
system and a domineering economic exploitation. In their revolt, and
in the absence of any effective religious or moral guidance, women
have gone to the extreme which has brought down on them the misery of
"civilized prostitution and adultery."
Such are the circumstances of the culture under which a Muslim family
lives in this country. It would be a gross mistake to assume that
Muslims will not be affected by the American way of life, the American
materialistic values and American laws. Hence, the complex of problems
of Muslim families start. If we add to the above anomalies the
problems arising from the educational systems and its repercussions on
the youngsters and adults, we could better understand the vast
dimension of the Muslim dilemma. An example of this confusion is the
so-to-speak highly educated Muslim wife who believes that it is her
legitimate right to invite any male friend into the home, even in the
absence of her husband, to accept an invitation in another city or
another country without his permission, or the right to choose hard
work in a locality other than where he lives. It is not a rare case to
come across a Muslim woman who believes that she has the right to work
as she has spent long years qualifying herself in a certain
profession. In most cases, she would be motivated by her desire to
material gain, especially when she can have some fulfillment out of
the social activities in her professional domain. Such wives are
deeply influenced by the American materialistic mentality and would
claim the best of two worlds: to keep her job and to claim her Islamic
right to be sustained by her husband.
The problems of children born in Muslim families are well known to all
and have been repeatedly discussed by Muslim sociologists and thinkers
in numerous conventions and symposia. They revolve on the cold fact
that the American environment and culture affect the Muslim child's
mentality and code of ethical values. When both parents are working,
the child does not get enough care and domestic orientation to protect
him against anti-Islamic practices. More serious a menace is the loss
of the child's Islamic identity and his relatedness to a Muslim
community. But these children's problems are mainly derived from the
principal family problems which, if solved, would automatically bring
relief to the chil- dren's ordeal.
THE ISLAMIC SOLUTION- BIOLOGY AND SOCIALIZATION
There is nothing more compatible with human nature than Islamic
teachings and injunctions, if only because they take the individual as
a fallible being, subject to trial and error and subject to correction
and evolution."On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it
can bear."(2:286)
It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it
earns. As we are concerned here with the Muslim family, it is natural
that whatever solution we may suggest, it must be in accordance with
Islam. Luckily enough, Islam decides upon every issue, taking human
nature in consideration and exhorting us to abide by the eternal laws
of creation.
Empirical sciences have discovered many facts concerning our
biological structure and physiological functioning, but there are
still many more of life's secrets to be uncovered. There is not one
single established scientific fact that runs contrary to any Islamic
injunction; but there are many postulates, ideas and theories that may
be incompatible with Islamic teachings. Under such uncertain
conditions, the Muslim is supposed to follow the Islamic rules
irrespective of the scientific dubious points of view and his personal
desires.
Regarding the traditions and cultures that affect our socialization,
we must bear in mind that these are the product of certain practiced
ideals and established ideas prevailing at one time in a certain
society. This is an extremely important element in the Islamic
syndrome of solutions to societal problems. Islam is a philosophy that
defines the purpose of human life, the relation between man, nature,
and the Creator. It is a doctrine that sets up the broad outlines of
the social, political, economic and esthetic systems which should be
applied in our daily transactions and intercourse. Such philosophical
definitions and doctrinal delineations are confined to the basic facts
which do not evolve or change in accordance with the continuous human
evolution. Facts are absolute and are not subject to change, otherwise
they are neither facts nor absolute.
Whatever solutions we find in Islam, they are based on such absolute
facts whether known to our contemporary scientists or unknown to them.
The entire concept of the family and roles of its members is a part of
the general concept of the Islamic society. Let us bear in mind that
marriage is dictated by our biological needs and is a part of the
indispensable human society and not just a matter of individual
option."And of everything we have created pairs."(51:49).
The word 'zawj' is used in the Quran as meaning a pair or a mate. Both
words connote marriage."Do they not look at the earth, how many pairs
of noble things we have produced therein?"(31:10). Even in Paradise,
the Quran informs us that we shall have mates (see 2:25, 4:57). Allah
created humans from one soul, which could be the first cell. From this
soul He created the male and the female. The story of creating Eve
(the first female) from a rib of Adam (the first male) is not
mentioned in the Quran."And among His signs is this, that He created
for you mates from yourselves that ye may find rest (and peace) in
them."(30:2 1)."O mankind, heed (in reverence) your Lord Who created
you from a single soul, and from it created its mate, and from them
both spread a multitude of men and women."(4:1).
Our Prophet orders us to get married as soon as we can. The family is
the nucleus of the Islamic society and marriage is the only way to
bring about such an institution. Extra-marital relations are
categorically condemned and prohibited."Nor come nigh to adultery (or
fornication) for it is a shameful deed and an evil, opening the road
to other evils."(17:30).
It is only logical that Islam set up the rules to regulate the
functioning of the family whereby both spouses can find peace, love,
security and relatedness. The elements are necessary to accomplish the
greatest purpose of marriage: the worship of Allah. By worship it is
not only meant the performance of rituals, but it essentially implies
righteousness in all transactional behavior. Every good deed, every
service to humanity, every useful productive effort, and even every
good word are a part of a true Muslim worship of his Allah. If both
husband and wife observe this main purpose, this cardinal purpose of
their union, they would easily learn how to help each other achieve
this goal which is greater than themselves. They would learn how to
tolerate each other, how to love Allah in themselves and in other
beings, and how to overcome their difficulties and their shortcomings.
The second purpose of marriage is to respond to the basic biological
instinct of procreation. Children are the realization of motherhood
and fatherhood. Islam is particular in providing the most possible
wholesome atmosphere for bringing up the offspring. To give birth to
children and neglect them is a crime towards society, the children,
and the parents themselves. The child who is deprived of the ample
love of his or her parents, who is not properly tutored at an early
age, and who is left to babysitters and nurseries will develop many
anti-social behavioral patterns and may end up with crime, perversion
and corruption. Such a child may never find his or her identity as he
or she could have felt it in a systematic manner during his or her
childhood. Without a family life, governed by Islamic order and
discipline, how can we expect a child to have the Muslim conscience
and the Islamic value of righteousness.
Islam prescribes clear rights and obligations on parents and their
descendent Parents are legally responsible for the education and
maintenance of their children. These, by turn, are legally responsible
for accommodating and maintaining their parents, if they so require,
in their old age. Both parents and children inherit from each other
according to a prescribed and accurate law of inheritance specified in
the Quran. Neither of them can deprive the other of their respective
shares in the legacy. This is only part of the long family code in
Islam. What is of import here is the husband-wife relationship-their
sex roles-within the context of Islamic comprehension:"And among His
Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves,
that you may find rest (and peace) in them. And He has put love and
mercy between your (hearts); Verily in this are signs for those who
reflect."(30:21).
Despite the importance of these moral values: rest, peace, love and
mercy, Islam did not stop there. It bolstered its original concept of
the family by defining the roles of man and woman in such a manner
that each should act in accordance with his or her biological merits.
The man, with his aggression, is charged with what is called the
instrumental functions: maintenance, protection, dealings with the
outworldly matters and leadership within the family. The woman is
entrusted with caring for and rearing the children, organizing the
home, and creating the loving atmosphere inside. Let us be clear from
the beginning that in an Islamic society the wife is not expected to
be pushed to work to gain money. Even the unmarried, the divorcee, and
the widow are guaranteed, by law, an income that helps them lead a
reasonably comfortable life. Work or trade are not prohibited to
women. Yet, they are not recommended to undertake such activities
unless there is a justification for them and without prejudice to
their husband's rights. Once the woman gets married, she accepts the
Islamic ruling on the functioning of the family. Her role becomes
mainly to achieve the welfare of her household and to look after the
internal family affairs. If she wants to work, she is bound to ask the
explicit approval of her husband. However, if she has her own property
or fortune, and if she opts to run or invest such wealth, she is
entitled to do so without her husband's permission, but provided this
does not infringe upon her marital obligations.
THE ISLAMIC FAMILY
In Islam, as in biology, there is no family without marriage, and
there is no marriage without rules and discipline. The family in Islam
is a unit in which two independent persons unite and share life
together. The husband's dignity is an integral part of his wife's
dignity. Accordingly, neither of them is better than the other. To
unite and share, there must be mutual love and compassion-a genuine
feeling which unless translated into action and behavior would be mere
illusion and futile emotion. One can hardly accept the claim of love
of the spouse who does not care for his or her sick partner or who
does not share the family responsibilities.
This fundamental basis, if well understood and observed, makes the
first loyalty of both spouses to their family which is supposed to
serve Allah in piety as the main purpose of marriage. It implies that
they act as if they were one person with many organs. The head of the
human is not better than the heart, and the hand is not better than
the foot. If the man is charged with the duty of leadership and
maintenance, he is not better than the woman who is assigned the duty
of keeping the household, even if the first duty is more difficult and
perhaps more significant. Imam Muhammad Abduh emphasizes this point as
vital for the right understanding of the sex roles of spouses. He adds
that the Quranic verse,"And in no wise covet those things in which
Allah hath bestowed His gifts more freely on some of you than on
others; to men is allotted what they earn, and to women what they
earn"(4:32) does not imply that every man is better than every woman
or vice versa. According to him, each sex, in general, has some
preferential advantage over the other, though men have a degree over
women.
There has been much controversy about this 'degree'. Some interpret it
as the delegation of leadership, surveillance and maintenance which
are bestowed on men. Others say that it is the tolerance with which
men must treat their wives. A third view is that it is men's natural
gift for judging matters and managing external problems. However, the
consensus is that this 'degree' comprises the principle of
'guardianship' or 'qiwamah'.
Imam Abduh in the course of interpreting the preceding Quranic verse,
stated that qiwamah or guardianship has four elements: protection,
surveillance, custody and maintenance. Dr. Abd al-Ati considered the
element of obedience over and above the aforementioned four elements-
the most important indication of qiwamah. Obedience, to him, and in
accordance to the Quran and Traditions comprises the following:
1.She must not receive male, strangers or accept gifts from them
without his permission. Nor must she lend or dispose of any of his
possessions without his approval,
2.The husband has the legal right to restrict her freedom of movement
and prevent her from leaving her home without his permission. She must
comply with this right unless there is a necessity or legitimate
advantage for her to do otherwise. However, it is his religious
obligation to be compassionate so as to relax his right to restrict
her freedom of movement. If there arises a conflict between this right
of his and wife's parents' right to visit and be visited by their
daughter, his right prevails.
Yet it is religiously recommended that he be considerate enough to
waive his right and avoid estrangement within his conjugal family or
between any member of this family and close relatives, e.g. the wife's
parents.
3.A refractory wife has no legal right to object to the husband's
exercise of his disciplining authority. Islamic law, in common with
most other systems of law, recognizes the husband's right to
discipline his wife for disobedience.
4.The wife may not legally object to the husband's right to take
another wife or to exercise his right of divorce. The marital contract
establishes her implicit consent to these rights. However, if she
wishes to restrict his freedom in this regard or to have similar
rights, she is legally allowed to do so. She may stipulate in the
marital agreement that she too, will have the right to divorce, or
that she will keep the marriage bond only so long as she remains the
only wife; should he take a second wife, the first will have the right
to seek a divorce in accordance with the marriage agreement.
5.Finally, if the husband insists on patrilocality or neolocality, the
wife Must Comply."
CONCLUSION
The problems facing Muslim families living in the States can be dealt
with in compliance with Islamic teachings and principles once we
accept them as binding. If the spouses are really devout, they will
have no difficulty in encountering the evils of the Western culture
and in escaping the anti-Islamic societal factors that may run
contrary to Islam. The guidelines as we see them would be:
1.The main purpose of marriage is to live in piety and to serve the
Islamic Cause. The wife has the right to discontinue working whenever
she pleases. The husband may allow the wife to work with the condition
that her gain belongs to the family and not be considered as her
personal property.
2.Household: When the wife is not employed, the household becomes her
first occupation. By household it is meant the rearing of the children
and all domestic services required for maintaining a clean and
comfortable habitation. The Prophet (PBUH) said, "Cleanliness is a
part of faith." Motherhood is highly appraised in Islam and is the
most elated value second to the worship of Allah.
MARRIAGE, DISPUTES AND DIVORCE
Marriage:Muslims should marry according to Islamic traditions and
rules. The marriage will have to be registered with the State in which
they wed in order to give it a legal force. This legal procedure
subjects the marriage contract to the jurisdiction of American laws
which, in most cases, contradict many Islamic rulings. However, such
contradiction does not happen unless there is a dispute that both
spouses fail to solve in accordance with the Shariah.
Disputes:These are expected to arise in all matrimonial relations.
Muslim abiding spouses must learn how to compromise and tolerate each
other. Their guide is the teaching of their religion and their good
example is their Prophet. However, in case they fail to solve their
own problems, they have to resort to arbitration. The spouse who
refuses this Quranic injunction or who defies the other partner taking
shelter under the umbrella of American laws is failing in his or her
religious commitment. The Quranic arbitration is meant to be binding
on both spouses and would, indeed, relieve the Muslim family of most
of its problems.
Divorce:If one to the spouses refuses arbitration, non-Islamic divorce
is bound to take place, leaving a deep painful scar on both of them.
Arbitration may end in divorce, but in this case it would be least
harmful as both would feel more content when Shariah is justly
applied.
It is a pity that many recalcitrant (nashiz) Muslim women think that
American law would serve their interest more than the Islamic Law.
This is not only wrong but the consequences of litigation generally
leaves more ill feeling than should be.
ENVIRONMENT AND CHILDREN
Nobody can deny the impact of environment upon adults and children. Up
until now, one can safely say that Muslims of America could not
constitute any physical or moral community comparable to that of the
Jews or the Chinese. Granted that there are some groupings in
scattered localities and spiritual guidance from different sources,
yet there is no community that could respond to many basic needs. The
family must live in a society, and unless an Islamic community is
created, the Muslim family will have no alternative but to merge in a
non-Muslim one.
The danger is so imminent that it forms the major part of the family
problems in the United States. Both adults and children are influenced
by American values and traditions, and by American behavior and
manners. There is no escape from this "assimilation" except by
strengthening the family bonds and by steadfast observation of Islamic
teachings. The husband must lead here by strict adherence to Islamic
ways of life and by requiring the same from his wife.
Such are the sex-roles in Islam and the main problems facing Muslim
families in the United States and, indeed, in all non-Muslim
countries. The solutions mentioned above entirely depend upon the
faith of the spouses and their earnest desire to live up to their
religion. Allah, according to the Holy Quran, has made men in charge
of their wives, has ordered them to maintain and protect them and has
ordered women to obey their husbands and guard their secrets (see
4:34, 35). As for those spouses who claim the right to twist the
meanings of Quranic texts so as to suit their personal desires, and
those who try to subject Islam to non-Islamic laws are sick in their
hearts and are transgressors. Most probably, such persons would not
like to read this essay, though we pray to Allah to guide them to the
right way:"Say: This is my Way: I call on Allah with sure knowledge
and (so does) whosoever follows me - glory be to Allah! and I am not
of the idolaters"(12:108).
NOTES
1. L. Cadmure and L. Larson, "The Center of Life," The New York
Times Book Co., 1977, p. 8.
2. Ibid., p. 9.
3. Ibid., p. 28.
4. Ibid., p. 38.
5. 1. R. Symthies, "Brain Mechanisms and Behavior." New York:
Academic Press, 1970, p. 156.
6. Shirley Weitz, "Sex Roles." New York: Oxford University Press,
1977, p. 7.
7. K. E. Moyer, "Sex Difference in Aggression." Quoted in R. C.
Friedman, R. M. Richart, R. L. Vande Wiele, eds., "Sex Differences in
Behavior," Wile, 1974, p. 156.
8. Weitz, op. cit., p. 42.
9. D. B. Lynn, "The Father: His Role in Child Development,"
Monterey, CA: Brooks Cole, 1974, pp. 14-21.
10. Weitz, op. cit., p. 42.
1 1. M. A. Diamond, "A Critical Evaluation of the Ontogeny of
Human Sexual Behavior," Quarterly Review of Biology, 50 (1965), pp.
147-175.
12. Weitz, op. cit., p. 5.
13. Cadmure, op. cit., p. 8.
14. Ibid., p. 39.
15. Hammudah Abd al-Ati, "The Family Structure in Islam." Indiana:
American Trust Publications, 1977, p. 19.
16. Ibid., pp. 54-55.
17. Lately a few states have allowed married women to use their
maiden names.
18. R. H. Williams (ed). To Live and To Die. "Marriage: Whence and
Whither," NY- Springer-Verlad, 1973, p. 298.
19. Ibid., p. 299.
20. Ibid., p. 304.
21. Tafsir al-Manar, vol. 5, p. 68 ff.
22. Abd al-Ati, op. cit., pp. 172-173. These rights and obligations are
corroborated by the Quran and Hadith.