Father: I told you to clean your room.
Child: But I don't know how to dothat!
Father: I said clean the room! Don't you understand? Does thisneed
any explanation? You are old enough and you can do this by yourself.
If you clean your room, I will buy you whatever you like.
Child: Really, Dad?
Father: Yes, my dear boy. However, if you don't do so, the
consequences will be bad.
After cleaning the room…
Child: Dad! I cleaned my room.
Father: Do you call this cleaning?
Child: I did my best, Dad.
Father: Why didn't you clean under the bed? Remove the dustfrom the
glass? Arrange the clothes?
Child: I forgot to do that, but I will do it now.
After cleaning the room again...
Child: I have cleaned everything!
Father: Good! Well done!
Child: I deserve the prize now, right?
Father: Yes, you deserve it!
Child: You told me that you will buy me whatever I want.
Father: Yes, I did say that. What would you like me to buy you?"
Child: I want you to buy me a motorcycle!
Father: What, a motorcycle?! That is too expensive, and I can't buy it now.
Child: But you said that you would buy me whatever I wanted.
Father: But you should ask for something reasonable.
Child: But I want a motorcycle and nothing else.
Father: I don't like those who talk and argue too much, you have to
ask for something reasonable or Iwill buy you nothing.
Child (weeping): But I love motorcycles!
The child then returns to his room that he has just cleaned feeling
remorse for every second he had spent in cleaning it. At thesame time,
he has lost confidence in his father's repeated illusionary promises
that he never fulfills. He closes the door and falls asleep.
Dear educator, be precise, logical and motivating. In the light of the
previous story, let us ask the following questions:
Was the father precise and logicalin his request? Did he succeed in
motivating his child?
Dear parent, let us answer the following three questions:
First: Was the father precise (in his orders and requests)?
Why do parents always think badly of their children if they refuse to
respond to their orders or if they respond wrongly? Why do we
immediately accuse the child of negligence?
In fact, we should accuse ourselves in many cases and inquire, "Were
we precise in our demands from the child?"
Was it sufficient for the father to ask his child to clean his room?
Isthis request sufficient or does it need some clarification?
The reward that the child will receive when he obeys his parents
represents the real incentive that makes him feel confident and
strong. Therefore, the parents who are not specific with their
children when they give them orders unintentionally lead their
children to failure.
For example, the father could have explained his request to his child
from the beginning in the following way:
· Use the broom when cleaning the floor
· Arrange the clothes and put them in their place
· Remove the dust from the glass and furniture
Putting it this way helps the childto know what is exactly required of
him easily. In such a case, if the child does something wrong, then
he, rather than you, would be the negligent party.
Specification and clarity is required in motivation: You should not
tell your child that you would buy him whatever he wants if he does
such-and-such. That is because the child has an intrinsic powerful
imagination and there is no limit to his demands. Therefore, if you
are not specific and do not respond to your child's requests, he will
be disappointed and will lose confidence in his father's promises and
incentives. On the contrary, such motivation will turn in the future
into frustration.
This explains what happened in our story. The child asked for a
motorcycle, and the father could not fulfill this difficult request
and the result was disappointment and frustration.
The father has to be specific even in motivating his child. For
example, he could motivate him by saying, "If you clean your room, I
will allow you to watch a cartoon."
Likewise, the parents should be specific in punishment. Therefore, it
is unfavorable to tellthe child, "If you do not do such-and-such, the
consequenceswill be bad."
The punishment should be specific. For example, one should say to his
child, "If you do not do such-and-such, you will not have any pocket
money, or you will not play video games, watch a cartoon movie, and so
on."
The father should choose the most effective (not severe) punishment,
because unspecified punishments encourage the child to be careless as
long as he does not feel its effect on him.
However, the best thing that you can do to be specific in your demands
from your child is to arrange your room in his presence. In other
words, you should be an example to your child just as the Prophet, ,
was the best example to his Companions. The Prophet, , was the perfect
example of the educator that people follow. He used to be ahead of his
Companions guiding them in wars, and encouraging them to spend in the
cause of Allaah The Almighty. He was also ahead of them when they were
digging the trench and he endured hardships and treated his wives
well.
My dear educator, you should know that giving a clear messageis
considered one of the key introductions to good education. Parents
should tell their children exactly what they want them to do, and how
they want them to do it. They should also determinewhen their children
act properly or improperly.
Second: Was the father logical in his demands and the expected results?
Many parents ask their children to do things that exceed their ability
or age. Therefore, they are in fact leading them to failure,
especially when they expect excellent results. An example of this is
when a parent asks his three-year-old child to wash the dishes or
clean the room. On the other hand, many parents degrade their
children's abilities and ask them to do what they cannot accept,
because they can actually do more due to their age and mature
mind. For example, when the mother asks her ten-year-old child to
sit so that she can study every single word with him, she is in fact
asking herchild to do something that he cannot bear. That is because
this implies an offence and accusationof ignorance. However, the
mother expects excellent scores at the end of the year, while she has
made her child completely dependent upon her.
The parent should be logical in what he asks his child to do and the
results he expects. This requires taking two things into
consideration:
1- The child's capabilities including his age, strength, intelligence,
vitality and self-confidence
2- The nature of the request itself
Then, the parent should comparethe child's capabilities and the
capabilities that are required for responding to his request after
avoiding and treating the physical and the psychological problems.
The parent should understand the Quranic verses in which Allaah The
Almighty Says (what means):
· } Allaah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its
capacity. { [Quran 2:286]
· } Allaah does not charge a soul except [according to] what He has
given it. { [Quran 65:7]
By understanding these verses, parents can successfully compareresults
and judge whether or not they comply with their expectations of the
child.
Third: Was the father motivating?
This point is very important because the human soul likes praise, and
treating disobediencethrough encouragement is one ofthe most important
educational methods. The effects of this encouragement upon the child
include generating consciousnessof success in the work for which he
has been rewarded. Of course, this satisfies the child's motivations
and activates his learning habits in the future. The result would be
strengthening the child's confidence and encouraging him to be more
adventurous, creative and determined.
This method is very important in encouraging children, however, the
following issues should be observed:
· This should not be the only method, namely, the parents should not
use this method in cases when they see that there is a necessity for
punishment. Thereshould be a balance between reward and punishment.
· Motivation should be specific and precise, as we have mentioned.
· Parents should fulfill their motivational promises under all circumstances.
· Parents must implement their warnings if the child did not keephis promise.
· The motivation should not be exaggerated.
· Motivation should be using something loved and desired by the child.
Dear parent, you can also use some words to praise your child when he
obeys you such as "I like the way you handled this" , "Iknow you well
and I am sure that you will behave properly," or "I think you can do
it".
Finally, dear father and mother do not forget when you ask your child
to arrange his room, for example, you should be specific and explain
things to him. Do notask your child to do anything thatexceeds his
abilities. Likewise, be specific in motivating your child.
