Soul Purification, - A lesson in pain

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Michelle Al-Nasr
Allaah Almighty Says what means:"Say,'O My servants who have transgressed against themselves )by sinning(, do not despair of the Mercy of Allaah. Indeed, Allaah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.'”]Quran 39:53[
Sometimes it takes a lot to make us wake up.... to make us reset our priorities... to make us think about what really matters.
I am certainly no exception. In fact, as of late, I am a prime example.
Today I received a phone call. It was from my daughter, she had been staying with some relatives over the weekend after an emotionally exhausting previous week-long ordeal.
Her voice on the phone, quiet and unsure, asked, “Can you walk now Momma?”
My answer, thanks to Allaah, was “Yes, Alhamdulillah, I am getting around a little now.”
This past week, she witnessed what was the most fragile she had ever seen her Mom.
Laid up in bed with a back injury, I literally could not move. No pulled muscles here, this was the big-time stuff — acute herniated discs were pinching down nerves on, not one, but both sides of my body, one down my left side and another down the right, I was paralyzed for a few days.
This was a result of a botched steroid injection procedure to correct )what was originally( the pain on only my left side. I can walk now, but my right leg is numb. The pain was so intense I thought I may go into shock, and then it was turned off like a light-switch…and just went totally numb. My neurosurgeon informed me that even with surgery, it may stay that way. So now, I get around with a cane.
Everything happens for a reason and it took me some time to realize what that reason was, but it finally dawned on me during that awful and painful time.
This is a test... one of my personal life tests.
Before I go on, let me first provide a little synopsis of my life for the past few years:
I have been extremely career-driven. I started off as a business-owner with wonderful success as freelance writer and project manager that is, until the economy slowed down. Then, I found a position as a project manager for a well-respected national corporation complete with my own spacious office on the 10thfloor.
It took some time, but I gained the respect )or possibly the apprehension, not sure which( of fellow management and co-workers who thought this Muslim girl would be a push-over…but little did they know my character, Al-Hamdulillaah )praise be to Allaah(.
I have surpassed the achievements of many men at my corporate offices— accomplished goals that they were unable to do. I had, in addition to my primary responsibilities, taken over aspects of advertising and most recently had been handed a large-scale project spearheading management and developmental processes for a newly acquired retail chain.
And this was in addition to my at-home business, of primarily, freelance writing... no, I never gave that up. I do not think I could ever, not write; it has always been my first love.
A friend recently asked me in regard to my work schedule, “What are you trying to do, are you trying to prove something?”
I gave that a lot of thought because they really hit the nail on the head…yes, I was trying to prove something to someone - myself, my family and everyone on the face of the earth too, I suppose.
Yes, I can be a Muslim woman - I can dress modestly - I can wear Hijaab - I can have my Islamic values — I don’t have to shake your hand to earn respect and YES I can work in corporate environment and be successful. YES I CAN!
So, I did it. I have lived like a robot. Wake up, go to work, eat, sleep... and achieved success in my career…and lately, I realized I had become increasingly unhappy.
Because, So what?
And, right before all of my medical problems came to the surface, I recognized why.
It was because what I have been doing with my life was not fulfilling…it was not meaningful to me.
It was because I have been lacking something that is worthwhile in my life—truly worthwhile projects-—like helping someone who is needy or teaching a child to read.
My Eemaan )faith( has suffered and my heart was aching because of that emptiness.
This last episode with my back was the last straw for me it was what I needed to realize my priorities had shifted. It forced me to put into perspective everything all over again and understand how to mend my heart so it can become whole again.
The Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, once visited a young Companion who was breathing his last, and asked him how he was feeling. He replied, “O Messenger of Allaah, I am hopeful of the mercy of Allaah, and yet I am afraid of my sins.” Thereupon the Messenger of Allaah, sallallaahu alayhi sallam, said,“When the heart of a believers filled with these two feelings of hope and fear, Almighty Allaah fulfills his hope and saves him from what he fears.”]Ibn Maajah[
The pain was also a cleansing for me. We should never, ever forget that. Pain is not a punishment for a believer, but a cleansing.
It was narrated from Abu Sa'eed al-Khudri and Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with them, that the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said:“No tiredness, exhaustion, worry, grief, distress or harm befalls a believer in this world, not even a thorn that pricks him, but Allaah expiates some of his sins thereby.”]Al-Bukhaari and Muslim[
Also, a hardship is not a penalty, but a chance…an opportunity.
Abu Hurayrah, may Allaah be pleased with him, narrated that the Prophet, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, said:“When Allaah wants to be good to someone, He tries him with some hardship.”
Although my pain was miserable and I am sure my ordeal with it is not over, I am thankful for it; thankful that it cleared my mind and woke up my heart, my Eemaan )faith(, and shocked it into a healthy beat again.
It was a reminder to me that only Allaah can provide true happiness and contentment.
Allaah Almighty Says what means:“Is He )not best( who responds to the desperate one when he calls up on Him and removes evil?”]Quran 27:62[.
Finally, I want to share with all of you something I have always found amazing.
Honestly, sometimes, it just takes my breath away...
Since I have become a Muslim, I have had a game I guess you could call it. I would go pick up the Qur’an and just flip the pages back and forth and with no reason, without thinking of the chapter or place and just indiscriminately open it to any page. It is nothing scientific, there are no rules to it —I just randomly open it to whichever page it happens to land.
After my hectic lifestyle, then my ordeal with my back, as I sat down to write this article I realized that it had been a while since I opened up the Quran…so I ventured with my system to see where I would be taken today.
By Allaah, the following verse is what I randomly landed on:
Allaah Almighty Says what means:“O you who have believed, fear Allaah and believe in His Messenger; He will )then( give you a double portion of His mercy and make for you a light by which you will walk and forgive you; and Allaah is Forgiving and Merciful.”]Quran 57:28[
Right now, I can hardly type this through my tears. I have had to stop writing so many times...
But my tears are not tears of sadness that I may never walk as I once did, they are tears of hope because Allaah blessed me and opened my heart again. I knew my heart was so hard for so long . . . but nothing I did seemed to remedy it.
It took a hard lesson in pain to make me remember that this life is just a test.
I make Du'aa )supplication( that you too can open the Quran and find that special passage that will serve as your personal inspiration.
I make Du'aa that it will touch your heart and remind you of the Infinite Mercy of Allaah.
And, I make Du'aa that gives you the extra Eemaan that you need to endure your own life test.

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