dispute arises between the spouses, the husband should define the
points of dispute and explain her mistake to her, if she is the one
who is mistaken. This should be done in a way that involves no reproof
or scolding, particularly if he wants her to admit something. When she
admits, he has the choice to either reproach or forgive her. Attacking
her hastily before explaining her mistakes would end the love and
intimacy and hinder the process of living equitably, because she would
feel that she has been wronged. Therefore, it is best that the husband
explains to his wife her mistake kindly.
The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, knew when his wife
'Aa'ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, was pleased or displeased
with him. When she was pleased with him, she, may Allaah be pleased
with her, would say, "By the Lord of Muhammad"; otherwise, she, may
Allaah be pleased with her, would say, "By The Lord of Ibraaheem
]Abraham, may Allaah exalt his mention[." The Prophet, sallallaahu
'alayhi wa sallam, knew that she would not swear by the Lord of
Ibraaheem, may Allaah exalt his mention, unless there was something
wrong. In both cases, she, may Allaah be pleased with her, swore by
Allaah, who is of course the Lord of Muhammad sallallaahu 'alayhi wa
sallam, and the Lord of Ibraaheem, may Allaah exalt his mention, but
she would use the latter to show that she was upset. This practice was
the perfect politeness that only a noble and honorable lady would
practice. Such a lady neither attacks nor scolds her husband for his
mistakes, but rather behaves patiently and bashfully. Surely, no woman
behaves patiently and bashfully, but Allaah will grant her success and
a good end.
Also, no man encounters harm from his wife patiently and without
saying hurtful or unpleasant words to her but Allaah The Almighty will
grant him a good end in this life and a great Hereafter. It is
reported that one day a student visited a scholar and saw his son
serving him and showing him dutifulness in an amazing way. When the
son left, the scholar asked his student, "Are you amazed at his
dutifulness?" The student replied in the affirmative and said that he
was very amazed at the dutifulness of the son. The scholar explained,
"I lived with his mother for more than twenty years and she never
smiled at me, but I reacted patiently. Thus, Allaah The Almighty
compensated me with what you have seen."
When a man encounters the harm of his wife with abuse, revilement and
curses, she disdains and disparages him. As a result, she will not
speak of his love or affection in his absence. People say that man
becomes a subject of discussion after his death, so he should choose
for himself the best speech. It means that all people who dealt with
him will talk about him after his death. They will mention what he
said and did.
The perfection of man appears in the flame of his anger when he
controls himself and does not say anything but good. May Allaah endow
His mercy upon a husband who abstains from saying unpleasant words to
his wife!
Living equitably through speech is an important element in the
reformation of Muslim homes, and Allaah The Almighty increases the
reward of His slave according to the degree of his patience. Allaah
The Almighty favored men over women and endowed upon them patience and
wisdom that are not granted to others. Thus, the husband should show
patience regardless of whatever he hears or sees from his wife. Also,
the righteous woman should patiently endure any hurtful and harsh
words of her husband, for Allaah The Almighty will make these words a
cause for elevating her degrees, multiplying her good deeds and
forgiving her sins. Indeed, when Allaah The Almighty loves a people,
He tests them.
So Allaah may test a woman by giving her a husband who harms her and
whom she hears unpleasant words from.
Kind treatment:
Living in kindness also entails kind treatment, which emanates from
being an ideal husband, concord and mutual faithfulness of the
spouses. Muslim homes will not be reformed except through righteous
deeds and good companionship that reflect a person's good nature, high
morals and virtue. The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam,
testified that the best of men are those who treat their wives kindly
and become superior with their good deeds, manners and noble
qualities.
It is not enough for the man to claim these qualities; he should
translate them into action. When Allaah The Almighty wants to complete
His favors over His slave and shower him with His blessings, He
beautifies him with good conduct. So, a Muslim who adheres to Islam
and follows the way of Allaah The Almighty should, after obeying Him,
be keen to maintain noble morals and Islamic etiquettes whereby Allaah
The Almighty would increase His reward. The Prophet, sallallaahu
'alayhi wa sallam, said:"Shall I inform you of those among you who
will be closest to me in position on the Day of Resurrection? ]They
are[ those of you who have the best morals"]At-Tirmithi[
The Companions, may Allaah be pleased with them, eagerly asked the
Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, about what causes men and
women to enter Paradise, saying, "What are the deeds that cause man to
enter Paradise the most?" The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam,
replied:"Fearing Allaah and ]having[ high morals."]At-Tirmithi[ Words
and actions are required for the spouses to live equitably, and the
best person is the one who has the best and most perfect manners. The
Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said:"The most perfect
believers in faith are those among them with high
morals."]At-Tirmithi[
The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, made man's wife and
relatives the most entitled to his good manners. Therefore, he ordered
dutifulness to one's parents due to their closeness. A man asked, "O
Messenger of Allaah, who is the most deserving person of my good
companionship?" The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam,
replied:"Your mother."The man again, "Then who?""Your mother,"The
Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, replied. The man asked again,
"Then who?" He said:"Your mother."He then asked, "Then who?"
Thereupon, the Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said:"Your
father."]Al-Bukhaari & Muslim[
The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, made the greatest share of
man's good manners for his relatives, so the first thing we look for
in the man whom Allaah has beautified and enhanced in his manners is
his good manners with his family. This is because a man might behave
in a kind and gentle way in front of people, but once he enters his
own house, he behaves badly – this is the most evil creation even if
he is kind with people. His kindness in this case is pretentious and
hypocritical, but if he were to behave peacefully, kindly, mercifully
and gently with his weak wife and children who are under his authority
and power, it would be considered a sure sign that he is truthful in
his good manners.
For this reason, the man who wants to behave in a good way should
begin with his family. The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, led
the Muslim Ummah )nation( and stood on the pulpit, permitting what
Allaah The Almighty made lawful, prohibiting what Allaah The Almighty
made unlawful, explaining the Sharee'ah of Allaah and guiding to His
way. He, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, led the armies to make the
religion of Allaah The Almighty dominant and His word reign supreme.
Yet, when he, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, entered his house, he,
sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, would enter with compassion, mercy,
gentleness and kindness.
The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, was the best man in
treating his wives; the first thing he, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam,
would do was to use a Siwaak )toothstick( so that his wife would not
find a bad odor. This indicates that the husband, through living
equitably with his wife, should take care of his appearance. Ibn
'Abbaas, may Allaah be pleased with him, would bring a Kohl container
and apply Kohl before the mirror, saying, "I like adorning myself for
my wife, as I like my wife adorning herself for me." This is the
perfection of Islam.
A Muslim man adopts certain practices and perfections with people when
he goes out of his house. Once he returns to his family and wife, he
treats each of them properly. The first thing the Prophet, sallallaahu
'alayhi wa sallam, would do upon entering his house was to use the
Siwaak. When he was alone with his wives, he, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa
sallam, would be kind, use the best speech and act in the best way.
When 'Aa'ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, was asked about the
manners of the Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, at home, she
said, "He was in the service of his family." Sometimes he would stitch
his clothes and had no feeling of belittlement; it was an honor and
perfection as he was the most perfect, most honored and the highest in
rank and status in the sight of Allaah The Almighty.
Seeing one's family should be featured with modesty and humbleness.
The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said:"Shall I inform you
of those among you who are closest to me in position on the Day of
Resurrection? ]They are[ those of you who have the best morals, and
are the most humble."]At-Tirmithi[ The wife is most entitled to this
humbleness. When the Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, visited
his wives, he, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, was keen to bring them
happiness, so that they would feel his love, fidelity and the bond
with him after his departure. To help strengthen this feeling, the
Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, would kiss his wives before he
left, not out of sexual desire because once he heard the Athaan )call
to prayer( he, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, would be busied by that,
but rather because the Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, would
kiss his wife out of affection and mercy so that she would realize her
place in his heart and sentiment. A guided Muslim, who wishes to abide
by the Sharee'ah of Allaah regarding living equitably, should treat
his family in an honorable manner. Moreover, the Prophet, sallallaahu
'alayhi wa sallam, was keen to bring happiness to his wives when
sitting with them, being sad on the sad occasions and being happy on
the happy occasions. Nevertheless, he would never say anything but the
truth.
)To be continued(
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