the most of your relationship and your life together.
"When I was getting married, the most important thing for me was
idyllic love… This was to be my perfect, fairy tale ending," says
Hoda.
After sixteen years of marriage, Hoda is wiser from her experience.
"Love is very important, but it's not sufficient for a relationship to
endure," she says now. "If you are going to depend on love, then you
should know that it needs daily renewal… You have to make sure on a
daily basis that feelings are unchanged, devotion is in some way
expressed, and problems aren't slowly creeping up on you. That is
easier said than done, of course, and it takes two."
Did you know what to expect from marriage? Or were you a bit
disillusioned that you didn't simply "live happily ever after" like in
the fairy tales?
The reality of marriage presents many challenges, but you can create a
good life together if you know what to expect and how to handle it.
Below, a psychiatrist and experienced wives give us the inside story.
You are two very different people and that's okay
Dr. Aly Mokhtar advises married people to realize that, "My husband or
wife is very close to me, but definitely an individual. Differences
are an essential part of a relationship," he explains.
Leena admits that when she first got married, she thought that all
people were essentially the same. She was surprised to discover that
the man she had fallen in love with differed from her on many issues,
big and small. For example, he is an early riser, while she doesn't
like to be disturbed in the morning; he doesn't mind if the house is
messy, and she likes it neat.
Leena's first reaction was to be judgmental of her husband and try to
change him. "You always go in [to marriage] thinking, 'This is my way,
and this is the right way,'" she points out.
After being married for 20 years, Leena has learned that it's very
important to try and see your partner's perspective, and that her
husband's style can be equally as good as hers. "Don't try to make the
other person like you. Celebrate the differences," she advises.
Hoda agrees, "Don't expect that the way you did things at home is the
ONLY way… Consider marriage a time to step into other people's shoes
and to explore alternatives to even the most taken for granted
things."
Dr. Mokhtar explains that many married people either avoid discussing
their differences or see them as a source of conflict. But what
couples should do instead, is invest time and effort in really trying
to understand each other. That means more than just passively
accepting your partner's point of view; it means allowing yourself to
experience life from his perspective.
Dr. Mokhtar notes that "celebrating the differences" is a wonderful
way to look at your relationship, but points out that it usually takes
several years to reach that point. So be patient.
Conflicts are natural
While many couples find it upsetting to disagree, it is normal and can
actually be good for your relationship. "Conflicts are natural," says
Dr. Mokhtar, noting that couples should not consider disagreements a
disaster.
"To have a passionate reaction actually reflects the depth and
strength of the emotions," says Dr. Mokhtar. "Arguments are a healthy
way of ventilating feelings and expressing them," he adds.
"You should expect to have arguments. They are part of learning how to
communicate," confirms Dalia, who has been married for 15 years. She
feels that arguments can be very healthy if you really listen to each
other, because you learn more about each other's point of view.
Dalia describes a healthy argument as "more like a conversation where
people are expressing different opinions. You can differ but there's a
level of respect you maintain. I think arguments are an important part
of how you get to know the person. You work on how you argue and how
you listen. As you understand each other more, you argue less and
less," she says.
Dr. Mokhtar cautions partners not to simply dismiss their spouse's
view without really trying to understand it or reach a resolution.
"Stop this attitude of 'me versus the other,' or 'I'm right and the
other is wrong,'" Dr. Mokhtar advises.
Instead of trying to win the argument for yourself, you should aim for
the marriage to win. "When two individuals have committed themselves
to each other, this bond could often benefit, even when one person
'wins' and one person 'loses.' The relationship is a bigger entity
than either one of the two [partners]," Dr. Mokhtar explains.
You can't change a person's character
If you are hoping to solve problems by changing a character trait of
your spouse's, forget it. Our experts say it's not going to happen.
"People do change, but not that much," says Leena. "Expecting to make
the person you're married to change is iffy," says Amel, a mother of
three.
"Don't think you can change someone," advises Dalia. "They are not
going to be flawless, but the flaws are things you can learn to live
with," she says.
Dr. Mokhtar agrees, "You cannot change the personality much." He says
that when you get to the point when you are "celebrating the
differences," you will be proud of your spouse as he is. So if your
husband is essentially an introvert, you won't expect him to be the
life of the party. Rather, "you will be proud that he appears to be
composed and wise at social gatherings," says Dr. Mokhtar.
He notes that while you can't change your partner's character, over
time, you can change habits, or what he describes as "the many
trivialities that could be quite annoying. "Through love, compassion
and mutual interaction, a lot of habits could change," Dr. Mokhtar
says.
"When you're getting along, you make little adjustments for each
other," says Dalia. For example, while growing up, she had always
slept with the air conditioner on while her husband never did. When
they got married, each tried the other's way, and now Dalia says they
both can sleep with the air conditioner or without it.
Don't expect your partner to make you happy
"It's a realistic expectation that you should be able to get something
out of the relationship. It's a bond that both of [you] will work to
develop," says Dr. Mokhtar. But he adds that thinking it is your
partner's responsibility to make you happy is not the right way to
look at the issue of happiness.
The wives we spoke to noted that it's important to be happy as an
individual. Don't expect your marriage or your husband to do that for
you. "Looking for someone to fill an empty spot in your life is not
realistic. You have to find your own things to live for," says Amel.
Dalia agrees, "It's not realistic to expect that you're going to get
married and the other person will be there to make you happy. You have
to be happy anyway… Have things that you enjoy. You're not going to
rely on someone else to entertain you… Create the balance between
having your own interests and making the best of your time together
[as a couple]," she advises.
The women also note that it's natural that you won't spend as much fun
time together when you're married as you did when you were engaged.
That is because you both have more responsibilities now. Dr. Mokhtar
notes with regards to enjoying your time together and sustaining a
successful marriage, "It's very important that you have shared family
activities and have common friends."
He also encourages married people to look at their life together as a
package of many things, and to accept the whole package.
"Marriage is a life experience. It has happy moments, sad moments,
conflicts and resolution of conflicts, a bond, fear of breaking the
bond, dependency, insecurity… It is such a mixture. It actually
entails all of what life means," says Dr. Mokhtar.
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