Fathwa, - Pregnant, not getting along with step-children

Question:
I am 20 weeks pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy. My husband and I
have a very good relationship, we seem almost perfect for each other.
The only problem is he has two very hyper, difficult children. We have
had numerous complaints from baby-sitters and teachers. The children
love me very much and I have made it my goal number one to raise them
Islamically to the best of my capability. The problem is, even though
my husband provides a nanny I feel that I can't live with them. I get
so depressed that I wish I would die at times and so stressed that I
get shaky. This happens on a near daily basis. It has been going on
for 2 and a half years with almost no improvement. I have gone to my
sheik for advice about the possibility of a divorce but he basically
said (and I agree with this) that I am being selfish and its not good
to give the ego what it wants all the time. This is true but at the
same time I wonder how much longer I can live like this. I feel like I
have no place to get away to. I am only 20 and when I married him I
had no clue what kids were like. I feel bad and just wish that my
husband could find a wife that was more capable of handling them and
giving them love. Even though it would be heartbreaking for me to
leave my husband. At what point should I go back to my sheik? I have
spoken with him about this so many times that I feel embarrassed to go
back, even though he has openly said I can call him anytime. P.S. I am
a Muslim convert and am unable to return to my parents.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
Dear Sister,
Assalamu alaikum,
I pray this message finds you in good health and spirits.
A difficult situation can seem compounded when one is pregnant.
Nonetheless, you seem to have several factors in your favor. First, as
you mentioned, the children love you. Second, you and your husband are
in love. Third, your husband has been considerate enough to provide a
nanny.
Working from this basis, you need to see what changes can be made at
home to facilitate a healthy environment. A rush to divorce is not the
wisest course of action, considering that you and your husband are
expecting your first child together. I would suggest that you consult
the literature on blended families to see how other couples deal with
the challenges of raising step-children and biological children.
You did marry young and perhaps did not have the time to spend on
yourself, in terms of achieving your personal and religious goals. Now
you have a lot of responsibility. A step in the right direction would
be setting aside relaxation time for yourself and special get-aways
just for you and your husband.
Your husband's role is of the utmost importance. These are his
children and he needs to step in and let them know when enough is
enough. Have you considered what may be the source of their behavior
problems? I suggest that you seek counseling as a family.
Please do not get depressed. There is great reward in being a mother
and, in time, you will be able to look back on this experience,
knowing that you gave it your all.
Finally, you should talk to your Shaykh to see if he can give you any
special invocations or prayers to make to alleviate your depression
and give you more patience.
And with Allah alone is success.