up, education, our relationships with relatives, and about many
marital matters. What should I do with her? I asked her to pray and
read Quran, but she did not listen. Please make du'a that Allah guides
her.
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
Happy homes are those which are built on mutual understanding and love
and consolidated with affection and compassion between spouses. None
of this can be achieved without the spouses doing the duties that are
specific to them. For example, the husband is obliged to spend on his
wife and children, and the wife is obliged to obey her husband. If the
wife wants to deny her husband the right of qawwaamah (being in charge
of the household) or to be wilfully defiant and refuse to obey him,
then she is destroying her home by her own hand, and she will be the
cause of her children being lost and neglected because of her bad
actions.
Wives in general have to understand that obedience to their husbands
is an Islamic duty that is required of them. The husband should do a
good job of being in charge of his wife and family, by guiding them to
that which is in their best interests and will bring them happiness.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has
made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to
support them) from their means"
[al-Nisa' 4:34]
Wives should ponder the following ahaadeeth:
1-
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet(peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said: "If I were to command anyone to prostrate
to anyone else, I would have commanded women to prostrate to their
husbands."
Narrated and classed as hasan by al-Tirmidhi (1159); classed as saheeh
by al-Albaani inSaheeh al-Tirmidhi.
2-
It was narrated that Abu Umaamah said: The Messenger of Allaah(peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "There are three whose
prayer goes no further than their ears: the runaway slave until he
returns, a wife whose husband remains angry with her overnight, and a
imam who leads the people in prayer when they object to him doing so."
Narrated and classed as hasan by al-Tirmidhi (360).
3-
It was narrated from Mu'aadh ibn Jabal that the Prophet(peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: "No woman offends her husband
in this world but his wife among the hoor al-iyn says, 'Do not offend
him, may Allaah kill you, for he is only with you for a short time and
soon he will leave you and come to us.'" Narrated by al-Tirmidhi
(1174) and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani inSaheeh al-Tirmidhi.
4-
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him)
that the Messenger of Allaah(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) said: "It is not permissible for a woman to fast when her husband
is present except with his permission, or to allow anyone to enter his
house without his permission."
Narrated by al-Bukhaari (4899) and Muslim (1026).
Shaykh al-Albaani (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, commenting on
this hadeeth:
As a woman is obliged to obey her husband and satisfy his desire, so
it is more appropriate that she is required to obey him with regard to
things that are more important than that, such as the upbringing of
their children, the well being of the family, and other rights and
duties.
Al-Haafiz said inal-Fath: This hadeeth shows that the husband's rights
over the wife are more important than doing voluntary good deeds,
because fulfilling his rights is obligatory, and that which is
obligatory takes precedence over voluntary acts.
Adaab al-Zafaaf(p. 210).
Secondly:
The husband has to look for the causes of his wife's wilful defiance
and find out the ways in which he can treat her sickness and lead her
to the way of guidance and salvation, so that she will be protected
from the wrath and punishment of Allaah. These causes may include the
husband! Yes, you may be one of the causes of her wilful defiance,
either because of sins that you are committing - as one of the salaf
said: "I see the effect of my sins in my mount and my wife", in her
bad attitude or refusal to obey him - or the husband may have a bad
attitude towards his wife so her behaviour is a reaction against the
way he deals with her.
Other causes may include her family, relatives, neighbours or friends
who share a role with the shaytaan in causing separation between man
and wife.
If the cause has to do with her - due to the weakness of her faith and
her ignorance of the rulings of sharee'ah - then he should remind her
of Allaah and play a role in strengthening her faith and teaching her
what she does not know about the rights that her husband has over her.
If that does not work, then he may hit her in a way that is not severe
and that does not cause injury, and if that does not work, then he may
forsake her in her bed.
If his efforts do not succeed and she does not respond to good advice
from him or from someone else, then he may divorce her once (one
talaaq). This may serve as a reminder and "wake up call". But if she
persists in her defiance and disobedience, then there is nothing good
in her and Allaah may give him someone better than her.
The basic principle for this gradual approach in setting things
straight is to be found in the verse in which Allaah says
(interpretation of the meaning):
"As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them
(first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them
(lightly, if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not
against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High,
Most Great"
[al-Nisa' 4:34]
Shaykh 'Abd al-Rahmaan al-Sa'di (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
"As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct" means: who
refuse to obey their husbands in word or in deed; he may discipline
her by using the lightest means then the next lightest.
"admonish them" means: explain the ruling of Allaah with regard to
obeying and disobeying the husband, and encourage her to be obedient,
and warn her against disobedience. If that produces the desired
results, all well and good, otherwise the husband should refuse to
share her bed, by not sleeping with her or being intimate with her, to
whatever extent will produce the desired result. Otherwise he may hit
her in a way that is not severe and that does not cause injury. If one
of these methods produces the desired result, then
"seek not against them means (of annoyance)" i.e., you have got what
you wanted, so stop pursuing rebuking her for what is past and seeking
out faults mention of which will cause harm and provoke evil.
Tafseer al-Sa'di(p. 142).
Whatever the case, the husband is the one who knows his wife best. If
he knows that the reason for her wilful defiance is something that he
can remedy, then he should do that. If he cannot deal with her, then
he should appoint someone else from among his family or hers to
undertake this mission. Someone else may have a stronger influence
over her than him.
Thirdly:
What we have said above is general in meaning and applies to any
husband who is suffering because of his wife's wilful defiance. It
would also include the wife asked about here, if she was one of those
who pray. But as she does not pray, what we have said does not apply
to her, because dealing with her is different. By not praying she is a
kaafir woman and it is not permissible for him to be close to her or
have intercourse with her, unless she prays.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
"But if they repent [by rejecting Shirk (polytheism) and accept
Islamic Monotheism], perform As-Salaah (Iqaamat-as-Salaah) and give
Zakaah, then they are your brethren in religion"
[al-Tawbah 9:11]
And the Prophet(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
"Between a man and shirk and kufr there stands his giving up prayer."
Narrated by Muslim (116).
And he said: "The covenant that distinguishes between us and them is
prayer; whoever does not pray is a kaafir."
Narrated and classed as saheeh by al-Tirmidhi (2621); al-Nasaa'i
(463); Ibn Majaah (1079); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani inSaheeh
al-Tirmidhi.
Hence you have to start with this important matter and try by whatever
means are available to you to remind her of the ruling on prayer, and
that not praying is major kufr, and that your marriage contract with
her will be rendered invalid if she persists in this grave sin. If she
responds, then praise be to Allaah, and you can go on to do the things
that we have mentioned above. If she does not respond, then do not try
to deal with her wilful defiance, and do not ask about her
shortcomings in raising the children, because it is not permissible
for you to remain married to her. Warn her before her marriage is
annulled - and annulment may be by your divorcing her, because most
courts do not regard not praying as a reason for annulling a marriage.
Give her another chance; perhaps Allaah will guide her and open her
heart to the truth.
See also the answer to question no. 47425which describes the best way
to call one who does not pray.
See also the answers to questions no. 12828and 91963.
We ask Allaah to guide her and help her to pray regularly, and to
guide her to all that is good, and to guide her hearing, sight and
physical faculties, and to enable her to give thanks for the blessings
that Allaah has bestowed on her.
And Allaah knows best.
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