their children from being undutiful. As it is known that prevention is
better than cure, we advise noble parents who play the greatest role
in this important process, to prepare youth and prevent them from
being undutiful.
The family is the first incubator where the adolescent grows up and
receives an upbringing. Hence, it has a far-reaching effect on the
upbringing of children. It is sufficient to know that children act in
a way that conforms to their environment. So, the environment forms
the way in which the child learns his behavior. If adolescents grow up
with a sense of righteousness and gratitude, undoubtedly, this would
greatly affect them.
The following are some of the important means that parents should use
while building the wall to prevent undutifulness:
1-Extreme warning: An extreme warning lies in bringing up the children
to be undutiful. Perhaps some people wonder about this warning. Yes,
there are parents who plant the bomb which soon explodes. For example,
some families express happiness when the child grows and is able to
speak and move. Consequently, they tell him to beat or insult one of
the parents. They mix jest with seriousness causing the disruption of
the child's moral standards. They are not aware that they are
implanting in the innocent little child, at a very young age,
disrespect to parents. This is the way it has always been, and always
will be.
2-Keenness on teaching the child the parents' favors: It is a key step
on the way of preventing undutifulness. It is to raise the children to
be accustomed to respecting and realizing the status and favor of
their parents. Ignorance of the status of parents and consequent
punishment for being undutiful to them will lead the children to be
undutiful.
3-To be equally dutiful to you: Some parents are trapped in
discrimination by favoring some of their children to others. This is
plain injustice. Therefore,Sharee'ah)Islamic legislation( strongly
forbids this matter and warns of its bad consequences. When Basheer
ibn Sa'dcame to the Prophet,, to give his son An-Nu'maan a gift; the
Prophet,, asked:"'Did you give all your children gifts like
An-Nu'maan?'He said, 'No.' The Prophetsaid:'So, look for another
witness. Do you not like them )your children( to be equally dutiful to
you?'"]Al-Albaani:Saheeh[
Steps of treatment
After dealing with the gravity of undutifulness and suggesting some
methods to prevent it, we should talk about the steps of treatment,
which are:
1-Virtues and punishments: This is one of the foremost steps which the
person who seeks dutifulness should have in mind and realize. One
could change from one state to another if he finds a strong motive.
Undoubtedly, knowing and remembering the fruits of dutifulness will be
one of the best incentives to practice it. Similarly, contemplating
the bad consequences of undutifulness and the resulting distress and
grief in the worldly life before the Hereafter will help one be
dutiful and keep away from undutifulness.
2-Good friends: You should have good friends who correct your mistakes
and inform you about the consequences of your actions. If good company
is sought in the course of worldly journeys and travel, what should be
the case in the travel of the Hereafter where the believer is in
greater need to have a righteous helper and an agreeable companion who
would be, in relation to his friend, like two hands that wash the
other.
They are righteous people who guide you to the way of righteousness
and direct you with their kind words if you commit an undutiful or a
semi-undutiful act.
Hence, it becomes mandatory to get rid of bad friends who are the
reason behind every catastrophe. You should know, especially in this
stage of adolescence, that friends are chosen by the adolescent
according to his desire and inclination. The grave problem is that
this test often comes spontaneously where the child grows up with a
neighbor at school or university. This friend may become the reason
behind his undutifulness through absorbing behavior due to frequent
interaction over a period of time. So, you should select your friends
cautiously and deliberately.
3-O people of the faith: here, you should ask yourself: Are you
faithful? Perhaps, you would quickly answer in the affirmative. This
is a good reply; however, to reach such a degree of faithfulness you
should read some questions, if your answer is in the affirmative,
then, enjoy your faithfulness. Otherwise, you should do your best to
make your answers in the affirmative.
- Do you frequently remember your parents' favors?
- Do you frequently thank them for their care and upbringing?
- Do you supplicate Allaah The Almighty for them in your prayers,
going, coming, with your friends and alone?
- Did you ever think about doing something for them and expressing
your love and faithfulness?
- Do you quickly blame yourself and rush to serve them whenever you
feel that you have fallen short to fulfill their rights?
This is the tip of the iceberg of questions which are well known to
faithful people.Subhaan Allaah)Glory be to Allaah!(, when a friend
does us a favor, we remember it, keep treating him kindly and speaking
well of him in his absence by remembering his good qualities. How come
that we do not adopt this attitude— which we adopt towards our
friends— towards our parents who sacrifice their time so that we can
enjoy our times? They spent their money so that we become rich. They
spent many nights crying because of our illness. Many times they were
preoccupied from life with our needs. There are many of their
supplications for us which were answered. How many times do kind
parents sit watching their children dreaming of the day on which they
become successful Muslim youth, with people delighting in them? By
Allaah, these are only a few matters to remember. Is it not time for
us to become faithful?
Family role
1-Understanding the stage: first, I would like to ask why do
adolescents clash with their parents. What are the reasons which drive
him to argue after he was tractable during his childhood? Why does he
tend to independence and individuality in taking decisions?
It seems that the answer is summarized in the fact that the adolescent
is living through a new stage. The more parents are able to understand
this, the more dutifulness they will get and vice versa. Missing
understanding between parents and children is the gravest matter that
culminates in undutifulness to parents. Children want to build their
own life according to their style and that of their friends. On the
other hand, parents look from their own point of view and through
their own perspectives of their customs. Hence, each party is on a
different wavelength. The deeper understanding of this stage the
parents have, the more capable they will be of dealing according to
methodology and awareness. By the permission of Allaah, it will result
in dutifulness to parents and in having good manners.
We previously clarified that the adolescent in this stage wants to
fulfill some needs such as security, acceptance, feeling responsible,
and so on. The more the parents are aware of these needs, the stronger
and more successful the relation will be. Undoubtedly, such success is
topped by dutifulness to parents. Hence, we need to read a lot on the
needs of adolescents and how to deal with them.
2-Stop the conflict: it is important that parents understand that
their children during this stage need to feel that their parents value
them highly and know that they have moved from childhood to youth. In
many cases, we find that the family's stance towards the child, which
may degrade or mock him, increases the child's tendency to resort to
his friends and compound their influence and effect on him.
3-Feeling rejected followed by loss: It is noteworthy that whenever
the adolescent feels acceptance and esteem, he loves his parents more
and more. Therefore, the more we accept the basic personal traits of
our adolescents, the more they feel at ease with us and their desire
to spend time at home increases. Undoubtedly, such a feeling of
acceptance and esteem leads to a similar result with the children.
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