their teeth/do their homework/or anything else for that matter? There
is really no right answer because there is really no limit to the
number of times we have to ask our kids to do something.
For most of us, this is a normal part of our daily lives. We ask, and
ask, and ask, and if we are lucky, our kids cooperate after the fourth
request or after a loud but otherwise harmless scolding. We complain
that our kids never listen to us; we ask other moms how they get their
kids to behave, eat their vegetables, or go to sleep. We consult books
and Internet sites at all hours on better childrearing and discipline
and other parenting techniques. And still, our kids just don't listen.
But, they do observe. While we are yelling at them, they are watching
us; while we argue with our husbands, they are watching; while we
mutter curses under our breath at raging drivers, they are watching;
and while we chat with our friends on the phone, they are watching us.
If you have toddlers, you are beginning to see this already. You see
them carrying on animated conversations on their battery operated toy
cell phones. They pace around the house with their heads cocked, their
little shoulders straining to hold up the fake phone with the blinking
lights. Yup, our kids are watching our every move, even when they
don't listen to one word.
The lessons they learn
The truth is that we shouldn't worry that our children never listen to
us. Instead we should worry that they are always watching us. It is
true. When we tell our kids to pick up their toys, they don't listen.
We raise our voices, and they still ignore us. Then, we become irate
and yell, and they have a temper tantrum or break down into a fit of
tears. But not before they have taken careful note of our actions. In
fact, every time we "tell" our kids to do something, we are teaching
them a lesson. We are telling them to do one thing, but we are really
showing them how to do something else. When we yell at them in anger,
we are showing them how to get someone to listen to us. When we throw
toys into the toy box or kick toys out of the way as we point our
fingers, we are showing them how to display their anger.
And think about when you are driving your kids to school in the
morning. A hurried driver cuts you off and you swerve to avoid getting
side swiped. "Moron!" you yell, as you correct the wheel. You shrug it
off and silently thank Allaah that nothing happened. Your kids in the
back saw what happened. In these situations, we rarely explain to our
kids that the other driver made a mistake by changing lanes without
signaling or by turning right just as we crossed a green light.
Instead, we show them how to handle such situations: curse and
complain.
The lessons we want to teach
It is almost impossible to handle every situation of every day in a
manner befitting for teaching our kids lessons. But if we are aware of
the opportunities )and the impending dangers( of such situations, we
can at least make the most out of as many situations as possible. For
example, we know that disciplining our kids is one of the most
challenging aspects of each day. And, during the course of a day's
worth of disciplining, we find ourselves yelling, getting angry,
scolding, and then usually seeking some sort of repentance for angry
words or sentiments. If we could only see ourselves the way our kids
probably do, we might learn a thing or two.
Well, obviously, we can't see ourselves and we can rarely stop
ourselves in the midst of heat and anger, but we can prepare ourselves
for these moments. If we can decide ahead of time what we want to
teach our kids, we can create a sort of game plan for situations. For
example, we want our kids to learn that they don't have to yell to be
heard. So, the next time you ask your son to pick up his puzzle pieces
and get ready for dinner, brace yourself. If you want him to
understand that he needs to listen to you and comply, then figure out
a way to get him to hear you. Ask him to look at you or get down on
your hands and knees and start showing him how to pick up the pieces
and put them in the box. Do anything but don't yell or scream.
The lessons we learn
If we make a conscious effort to remember that our children are
watching us, it will keep us in check. We will mind our manners, we
will speak more soothingly, we will control our emotions, and
ultimately we will see that, by our kids watching us, we are beginning
to behave the way we want them to behave. In other words, it is a
cycle that eventually trains parents and their children towards better
behavior and emotional restraint. If we know that our kids are
watching our every move, we will be mindful of our behavior and set an
example with that behavior. Then, our kids will model that good
behavior and essentially everyone wins.
Making promises is one of the issues that cause sticky situations for
parents trying to model good behavior. Parents, from all parts of the
world, have their own way of making, keeping and breaking promises. It
is easy to make promises, and it is even easier to break them. Many
times parents make promises on a whim and later find out that they
didn't or couldn't keep to their word. Sometimes, they even forget
altogether that they ever made the promise. How many times have you
told your child, "Yes, yes, Inshaa'allaah )Allaah willing(, I'll get
you that_____]fill in your own word[ soon," just to keep your child
quiet? The moment the words leave your lips, you should consider that
promise cast in stone. A child promised a coveted prize/toy/trip will
never forget that promise and will never let you forget it. Actually,
quite sadly, many children roll their eyes when they hear their
parents say "Inshaa'allaah" for fear that Inshaa'allaah really means
"maybe" or "yeah, right" or a plain "no."
Much of our behavior depends on our intentions. If you really mean to
get that toy for your son, then assure him that you will. If you don't
plan on buying it, then be honest. A dishonest promise might grant you
a few minutes of quiet shopping time, but in the end it will lead you
further into the depths of your child's distrust. Leading children on
with false promises is a guaranteed way to display behavior that your
children will never forget and will probably mimic in their own
adulthood.
In essence, we are designing our children's futures by our own
behavior. Why perpetuate behavior in our children that we ourselves
should not be harboring? Keeping in mind that our children are not
only watching us but learning from us should be reason enough for us
to change our behavior before it is cast in the stone of generations
to come.
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