hand, when a person says something that is untrue, that he actually
believes to be true, he has made a mistake. In this case, he may be
misguided or uninformed, but not lying.
A lot of what a child says begins in his imagination. He may imagine
an action and tell others about it as though it has actually taken
place. This is not considered lying in a deliberate sense. A child
will visualize, dream, hope and fantasize while still lacking the
cognitive and linguistic ability to distinguish between what is
imaginary and what is real. For this reason, he isnot taken as a liar,
but rather a child. We have to understand that fantasy is a normal
part of child development.
Although, it is also true that some children do intentionally tell
lies and conceal the truth. This could have several causes: fear of
power, craving for attention, or purely for entertainment.
Fear of Power:
A child who feels afraid or powerless may think that lying will gain
him the approval of others or cause him to escape punishment. This is
commonplace in homes where the parents are overly controllingand
negative. The child gets no approval or affirmation from the family,
and the only escape from what he perceives as prison, is to lie. This
immediately will bring tomind the teen years, where lying about what,
where, and with whom, are questions that are all subject to
fabrication. But, we should realize that a pattern of lying will have
been well established before adolescence if it is being used as an
escape tactic so we need to identify it in the earliest stages.
Attention:
Lying may help the child to acquire something that he could not
otherwise have. A child who is starved of attention will lie to draw
attention, particularly if he finds that his lies are accepted and
believed. This type of lying often manifests itself in social
interactions. No child wants to admit that he comes from a broken
home, or that his financial condition is below standard. The pressures
of our society force them to face the reality that we are not all
considered equal in the public eye. Other factors as well influence a
child, but peer pressure is a compelling force in a child's behavior.
Entertainment:
Intelligent children may lie in order to entertain themselves or
others by playing jokes. "Is your refrigerator running? You'd better
go catch it before it runs away." Much of modern humor is based in
exaggeration or stereotyping. What seems as harmless as childhood
practical jokes can later lead to more serious deceitful behavior?
What is most important for parents to realize is that it is partof
normal development for a child to lie. For most children thisis a
passing phase, a way of testing their limits, to see how far they can
go before being caught. When it happens, we should step back and try
to determine what the child's goal is. If we identify the cause, we
should be able to address those concerns, if any, and teach them
alternative ways of expressing themselves, in an effort to avoid them
developing a lifelong habit that will be difficult to control later.
If you notice your child telling lies, keep the following tips in
mind:
1.Do not be too lenient or too harsh with your child.Balance is
important, as being extreme in either direction could have grave
psychological and moral consequences even causing the child to become
an impulsive liar.
2. Do not reprimand your childto an extreme if you catch him
lying often.Never call him a liar, even if he does tell lies. One of
the main goals of parenting is to reach a point at which your child
knows right from wrong and is able to discipline himself. For thisto
work, in regard to lying, your child must feel that you trust himand
that you expect the best of him. This is the greatest motivation for
him to stop lying. This can be a symptom of lack of mutual respect in
the parent-child relationship. If the child feels that they have to
lie, they donot feel trusted or understood.
Lying is a way of avoiding the conflict between your perspectiveand
theirs. If you catch the child lying, give him a way to explain
himself that shows him you thinkwell of him: "Perhaps you forgot"or
"Maybe you did not pay attention." When the child is treated this way,
he will be ashamed to deceive those who trust him and will be
motivated to tell the truth.
3. If your child comes and confesses to a behavior that calls for
punishment and apologizes, itis best to forgive him.Praise his honesty
as a reward. This is very difficult to do, but if you react too
strongly, he will be fearful to admit his mistakes in the future. On
the other hand, if you react with kindness and appreciation for his
honesty, while reminding him of the seriousness of his mistake, he
will feel respected and trusted, which will have a much more
productive long-termoutcome for your relationship, Insha`Allaah.
4. The single most effective strategy for dealing with a child who
lies is to model truth and honesty.Your child should never hear you
lie in any way, shape or form. The following Hadeeth)Prophetic
narration( underlines the importance of this: "The Prophet of
Allaahsaw a mother calling for her child to come and get something.
The Prophetasked her what she would give her child and she told him.
Hetold her.'If you do not give it to him, you will have committed the
sin of lying.'"]AbuDaawood and Al-Bayhaqi[
While it is never pleasant to discover that you have been lied to, it
is a fact of life for many parents. Sometimes it is no more than a
passing phase, but how we deal with it could determine the outcome. As
with all aspects of life, the best way to teach yourchild is through
your own example. When you discover that the cashier gave you too much
change, let your child see you return the money. It is small,
seemingly insignificant actions and words that come together tobuild
your child's ideal. Your best tool is prevention, by being the best
Muslim you can use each andevery day investing in your relationship
with your child.
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