Fathwa, - Women's rights to sexual intimacy

Question:
I have some questions about rights to sexual intimacy (all related questions):
1) If a wife has to always fulfill her husband's sexual desires even
when shedoesn't want to, does this mean that he has to fulfill her
desires when he doesn't want to, as well? Can a wife"demand" sex as
husbands can?
2) Is it sinful for a husband to refuse his wife? If refusing a
husband can lead him to other sin, doesn't refusing a wife lead HER to
sin, as well?
3) What constitutes a"valid" reason for refusing intimacy? For
example, even though husbands can enjoy their wives while they're
menstruating by putting a garment over their privates, does she have
to engage in intimacy if she is having slight cramps, not even
a"valid" sickness?
4) Shouldn't the husband just respect that his wife is simply"not in
the mood"? Wouldn't he enjoy it more if she IS in the mood, or is he
like an animal that needs his desires fulfilled ASAP?
Please help me as I have trouble coming to terms with this seemingly
"unfair" concept, even when the couple is mutually respectful and
communicative. If a sister could answer, that would be appreciated.
May Allah reward you best.
Answer:
In the Name of Allah.
Praise be to Allah.
May Allah's peace and blessings shower upon our beloved Messenger.
Dear Sister,
I pray this message finds you in good health and spirits.
You have raised some very important points:
1) If a wife has to always fulfill her husband's sexual desires even
when she doesn't want to, does this mean that he has to fulfill her
desires when he doesn't want to, as well? Can a wife "demand" sex as
husbands can?
Answer:
The husband is obligatedto keep his wife chaste. While scholars have
distinguished between a man's right to "demand" sex and a woman's
right to "request" sex, it is nonetheless a man's religous duty to
keep his wife sexually satisfied. A woman may not have an explicit
legal right to demand sex in the same fashion as a man; however, this
distinction merely accounts for the inherent temperamental,physical,
and emotional differences between the sexes. Ustadha Hedaya Hartford,
in her excellentguide to Islamic marriage, states that both Hanafi and
Shafi'i scholars hold that a man should make love to his wife at least
every four nights. [Hedaya Hartford,Islamic Marriage: Starting Off On
the Right Foot. Beirut and Damascus: Dar al-Fikr, 2000]
2) Is it sinful for a husband to refuse his wife? If refusing a
husband can lead him to other sin, doesn''t refusing a wife lead HER
to sin, as well?
Answer:
Yes, it is sinful for a man to consistently refuse his wife. Note the
word"consistently." It is a given that sometimes one spouse or the
other won't be in the mood. However, as Ustadha Hedaya says, sex
should never be used as a weapon. There is great blessing in
satisfying your spouse, even if you don't feel like it. A woman who is
not sexually satisfied in her marriage may be led to sin. This is a
possibility for both spouses if they are not receiving their rights.
Scholars emphasize that a man must keep his wife chaste. How can he do
this if he refuses her?
3) What constitutes a"valid" reason for refusing intimacy? For
example, even though husbands can enjoy theirwives while they''re
menstruating by putting a garment over their privates, does she have
to engage in intimacy if she is having slight cramps, not even
a"valid" sickness?
Answer:
Valid reasons include menstruation, postpartum bleeding, illness,
exhaustion, and physical inability. Note that a woman cannot have sex
while menstruating or experiencing postnatal bleeding. However, if
shesimply doesn't feel up to it, then the best thing to do is to
explain to her husband how she feels. Perhaps there are other ways she
can explore to satisfy him. Furthermore,she should let him know that
when she feels better, she looks forwardto having intercourse. This
will create a sense ofanticipation and let him know that she loves
him.
4) Shouldn't the husbandjust respect that his wife is simply "not in
the mood?"Wouldn't he enjoy it more if she IS in the mood, or is he
like ananimal that needs his desires fulfilled ASAP?
Answer:
Yes, both spouses need to understand that sometimes one or the other
won't be in the mood. However, as I stated before, this shouldnot
become a habit. It is very easy to keep puttingoff your husband, but
think of the long term. It may be good to sit downand count how often
youput him off. It may be more than you think. Also worth exploring:
why aren't you in the mood? Is there s0mething he could do
differently? How often do you two just sit and enjoy each other's
company? Talking, laughing, cuddling, and kissing are things couples
should do on a regular basis, not just when they have sex. These
little ways of showing love really do foster a strong relationship and
preparethe couple for further intimacy.
Another suggestion is to look at your husband's timing. Do you have
children? Do you work orgo to school? Perhaps your husband is
approaching you after you've had a long day. There are things you can
do to alleviate this and create a positive, loving environment where
BOTH of you crave intimacy.
Please read these articleson SunniPath. They are of benefit.
*** Turning Sex Into Sadaqa *** www.sunnipath.com/res ources/Questions
/qa00000608.aspx
*** Bedroom: If wife is tired. ***
www.sunnipath.com/res ources/Questions /qa00002906.aspx
May Allah bless you and your husband to find a solution that is
mutually beneficial.
And Allah alone gives success.