a man controll me. Now the problem is thatmy husband is not from here
and we tend to argue alot.I know more of the laws and commoneveryday
things more than he does.His englishis not that great, so, I have to
explain to him sometimes and he is used to how his country and culture
are, so, in public I tend to do the talking alot.This makes him mad
sometimes but I feel it is the only way to get things done right most
of the time. Now we argue alot and I don't know how to be the "wife"
that I am supposed to be Islamically. I am still in the learning
process, but that is were I have my biggest problem.How can I change
that or try to make the problem better.
Praise be to Allaah.
Firstly:
We praise Allaah for guiding you to Islam, which is the greatest
blessing that Allaah can bestow upon His slaves.
We would like to tell youthat Allaah has given yourights over your
husband, and has enjoined upon you duties towards him. You can read
question no. 10680to find out more about this.
You have to do the duties towards your husband which Allaah has
enjoined upon you. Islam regards the husband's rights as greatbecause
of the husband's great importance in building the Muslim household,
and because Allaah has enjoined him (the husband) to look after his
family's interests and take care of them.
The Muslim woman should be wise in her dealings with her husband,
because man – usually – is pleased with kind words and appreciates
kind treatment. So if that comes from his life-partner, that will
have a greater effect. The wise woman must also keep away from all
kinds of behaviour that will offend her husband,and rid herself of
every kind of action that annoys him, and try not to control him. The
man has the role ofqawwaam(protector and maintainer), and
theresponsibility is his. Making him feel that he is falling short in
certain situations may make himangry and not treat his wife well. One
of them said: "The best wife is the one who knows howto create harmony
in hermarriage and strikes a balance between obeying and respecting
her husband and expressing her own strong personality."
Your speaking to people on his behalf – because he does not speak your
people's language well –is permissible according to sharee'ah, but as
stated above, you have to be wise in doing this. When doing these
thingsyou should not make him feel that he is lacking or that he is
not important. Rather you should refer to him when speaking to the
people, and consult withhim, and do not make decisions in his
presencewithout asking his permission. You should do that in front of
the people to whom you arespeaking so that he will feel that he is
important.Try to make him feel thathe speaks his own language better
than you do, and that you complement one another; and you can help him
to learn your language, and he can help you to learn his language.
This is what we advise you to do, and this is what may reduce his
anger and stop him frombehaving in this manner.It seems that it is
only a matter of time, and you have to be careful in handling this
situation until he becomes more fluent in your language and is able to
do things himself, on his own.
Secondly:
In order to become a good wife, you have to learn what Allaah has
enjoined upon you, so that you can do it. You have to know how
righteous women behave, their attitude and the way they interact with
their husbands. You will need to strive hard until you get used to it,
but it is not impossible. The Prophet(peace and blessings of Allaah be
upon him) said: "Knowledge comes by learning, and patience comes by
trying to be patient. Whoever seeks goodness will be given it, and
whoever fears evil will be protected from it." Narrated by
al-Daaraqutni inal-Afraad; this is a hasan hadeet, as was stated by
al-Albaani inSaheeh al-Jaami', 2328.
Some of these characteristics and attitudes are those of which a wise
mother advised her daughter before marriage, which is comprehensive
advice.We ask Allaah to help you to achieve this. That mother said to
her daughter:
"O my daughter, you are leaving your house in which you grew up, and
going to live with a man whom you do not know,a companion whom you are
unfamiliar with. Be like a slave woman to him and he will be like a
slave to you. Remember ten characteristics whichwill be a stored
treasure for you:
The first and second are to be devoted to him and be content, listen
to him and obey.
The third and the fourth are to consider his nose and eyes; do not let
him see anything ugly of you, or let him smell anything but a good
fragrance.
The fifth and the sixth are consider the time of his sleeping and
eating, for hunger burns and disturbance of sleep causes anger.
The seventh and the eighth are to look after his wealth and to take
care of his family and hisdependents.
The ninth and the tenth are to look after his wealth and take care of
his dependents."
Thirdly:
The husband has to fear Allaah his Lord, and not transgress the rights
of his wife. He should give her her rights as Allaah has enjoined upon
him. He should realize that people vary, and that what he knows, many
people are ignorant of, and what he is ignorant of, many people know.
For him to have a wife who will translate for him and show him what
will benefit him and how things are done is better for him than having
someone with him whom he cannot trust. Knowledge can only be acquired
by learning, and the way tolearn is by striving and working hard.
Advise him to try to control himself at times of anger, and not to get
angry unless you have transgressed one of the sacred limits of Allaah.
This is the kind of anger that is regarded as praiseworthy.
And Allaah knows best.
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